Gangnam Style Parody Censored: WTF?

Thanks to STFU Parents for sharing this video on Facebook today. It's a gangnam-style parody video made by the obstetrics/ gynecology department at Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto, Ontario. Apparently, the hospital pulled the video because some yahoo at the organization Humanize Birth criticized the hospital, stating she took offense to it. Because apparently, BIRTH IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

I really wish the hospital would have stuck to its guns: The staff was merely blowing off steam, making a funny video. There were no racist/ sexist/ detrimental remarks. So what if someone doesn't like it? The internet is filled with things we may or may not like, and as reasonable, sane adults we are fully capable of exiting a window and looking elsewhere. And considering how anti-hospital moms criticize the cold, "businesslike" demeanor of hospital staff, you'd think something like this would be a breath of fresh air. Maybe I'm just completely out of touch with reality? Maybe moms lose their sense of humor? The world will never know.

I'm not bashing the organization and its grass-roots followers. I'm all for women who want to deliver their babies in whatever environment works for them. You want to have a kid in a tree? Go for it. But don't get all huffy over a parody video. There are lots of people who would love to see their doctors dancing around the hallways, acting like a South Korean pop star. I had a team of doctors this past summer whom I'd LOVE to see do something like this. Medical staff are REAL people with personalities and interests and I think it's great that we get to see them.

(The video may redirect to YouTube. I was getting a notice about copyright something-or-other.)

My favorite part of the video: ENDO GOT A SHOUT-OUT!

What do you think about this censorship business? Do you think it's ruining all the fun, like I do?

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Christmas Card 2012.

This year, I wanted our Christmas cards to have a vintage, "yesteryear" kind of feel to them.

...With just a touch of "creepy."

To get this look, Eric and I created a studio setting in front of the living room drapes. A lamp, minus the lampshade, was placed directly behind us to give backlighting. We also used a spotlight, borrowed from Eric's friend Kevin, to make sure we had enough lighting on our scary beautiful festive visages. My mom came over and helped out behind the camera.

Once we had selected the optimal photo, Eric ran some coloring effects. This gave it the worn, aged look. (The photo, not my face. That's worn and aged for other reasons.)

I found the card template online by doing a search for vintage holiday cards.

While Eric and I look completely smashing, the real star of the show is Pearl's front tooth. Or lack of, I should say. She lost it RIGHT BEFORE we started taking our photos.


Feast your eyes...

ON THIS!

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You Will NEVER Guess What Happened This Weekend...

Friday night, Eric and I had plans to see The Shining at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. We had both been looking forward to it as we both LOVE The Shining and an actual showing in a theatre is not something that happens everyday. We left home early and spent time walking around The Grove. For anyone not familiar with the LA area, The Grove is an outdoor shopping mall where celebs are always spotted. In fact, we were walking next to a couple who (apparently) was famous and a TMZ photographer was trying to strike up a conversation with them.


We admired the sights...

And enjoyed the sounds...

We ended up in The Farmer's Market, which is a labyrinth of covered, outdoor food vendors. There were LOTS of places to choose from and it was kind of overwhelming.

We decided to take a break and have a drink at one of the vendor's stalls, 326 Bar. Eric ordered Golden  Monkey, a Belgian ale. I ordered a chardonnay because I felt like being fancy. We struck up a conversation with the female bartender, who had a booming voice and looked like she would be a contestant on Chopped. We were having a great time, hanging out, talking about anything and everything.

And then something amazing and unbelievable happened...

ERIC ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!!!!!

! ! !

And, of course, I said YES.

We hugged and kissed and I asked him a million questions about the whole thing. I was SO surprised and had no idea it was coming, so naturally I wanted to know all of the details. It turns out, he had consulted with two very important people the night before: My mom and Pearl. He got the thumbs up from both and decided to pop the big question while we were out seeing one of our favorite films. He was originally thinking he would ask me in front of a light exhibit at the museum, but we were having such a good time at The Farmer's Market, that the mood struck him and he went for it then and there.

With tears of joy in our eyes (and a swollen red nose from crying), we told our new friend, the bartender, about our new relationship status. It didn't take long before everyone at the bar knew and were clapping for us.

Time flew by and the next thing we knew, we had to book it if we wanted to make it to the film on time. We snapped a couple of photos on our way out to commemorate the moment and made our way to the museum.

We made it with a few minutes to spare. And then we watched The Shining.

And took pictures of the light exhibit on our way home.

And celebrated with Pumpkin Spice and Chocolate Sprinkle cupcakes at 12am.

And that was my weekend.

I am SO happy. My life has been so much fun and so little stress since Eric and I met. If we had decided to stay boyfriend/ girlfriend forever, I would have been totally fine with it because I felt like I had already won: I didn't need to get married to have the best partner. So the fact that he went out of his way to surprise me with this special moment means even more. Plus, he gets mega points for proposing in the middle of a food haven.


Did I mention we're totally engaged???

:)

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Have You Heard About Portable North Pole?

My good friend Melissa emailed me one of these videos that Santa made just for me. I instantly fell in love with it and wanted to make videos for everyone I know. But since that would take way too long and Judge Judy was on the horizon, I just made one for Pearl.

Portable North Pole is a customizable video where you can upload photos and give somewhat personalized info about a person on Santa's Naughty/ Nice list. It's kind of like a Christmasy Choose Your Own Adventure, as the options have slight variations depending on your answers.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to embed the actual video because I didn't feel like paying $6.99 to download it. But if you CLICK HERE you can watch it on their website.

Children and adults alike will get a kick out of this website. It only takes a few minutes to make a really cool, personalized Christmas video that your kids will remember for a while. If nothing else, your kids may try a little harder to stay in line now that they know Santa's watching. Just last night, Pearl tried extra hard to "behave at the dinner table" last night. Lol.

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What I've Learned From Being Unemployed.

Even though I've accepted that this is the WORST time to be unemployed because A) it's Christmas, and B) nobody is hiring at the end of the year, I'm still searching in the hopes that a beacon of hope will someday shine in my direction.

In the meantime, I've noticed some really irritating things going on in the job market right now. I'd like to share them with you.

SHIT PAY: I love it when companies throw out a whole laundry list of qualifications that they expect their potential new-hires to have...... For a position that pays $8/ hr. Bitch please. If I was looking for a job that paid $8/ hr, it sure as hell wouldn't be for an uptight box of corporate drones. I'd rather be stress-free, secretly drinking/eating my weight in Jamba Juice smoothies or In-N-Out burgers.

AMBIGUOUS JOB POSTS: This is commonly seen on Craigslist, mostly because it's filled with lying assholes who pretend they're hiring for really great jobs, when in fact, they're just looking for people whom they can send emails about Viagra and Cialis. If you see a post that doesn't state a pay range, company name, contact name, or even city location, keep clicking. Unless of course you're looking for Viagra or Cialis, in which case, they'll totally hook you up.

TEMP AGENCIES: I always thought temp agencies were an easy "in" to getting into a new company. Apparently, I was wrong. I've been with one agency for four months now and they have yet to send me on ONE fucking interview. It's not like I'm looking for rocket-scientist/brain-surgeon/Mandarin-speaking/supermodel-looking job positions. I have ten years of administrative experience. I'm proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, Outlook, PowerPoint, Basecamp, Dropbox, PeopleSoft, and Google documents. I can easily use a Mac or PC computer. I know how to implement SEO keywords and I'm an awesome copywriter. Aren't those enough qualifications for a position that involves typing up correspondence and making coffee?

While we're on the topic of temp agencies, I've also submitted my resume to at least three other agencies in the hopes that I could spread my search through their companies. None of them ever emailed or called back to set up an initial interview or anything. I even had to call one of them several times just to make sure they received my resume in the first place. The woman on the other end said they would have someone review it and call me back the next day. I'm still waiting for the call. I'd expect this kind of malarky from the actual company who's doing the hiring, but from a temp agency? Aren't these companies supposed to be working WITH the employee, teaming up so they both benefit in the long run?

LONG-ASS APPLICATIONS: I hate it when I'm applying for a position that requires three hours worth of boasting, bragging, researching, and making up stupid-ass imaginary responses to stupid-ass imaginary scenarios. Experience tells me this application is going to result in a denial letter, so why bother? Because I need a job, that's why.

PART TIME VS FULL TIME: It seems to be a trend that companies are now looking to hire people to work 35-37 hours per week. Which is precisely the cut-off time for when employers would need to chime in with benefits. So essentially, they want practically all of your full-time work assistance, without having to kick down with luxuries like health insurance, 401K, or paid time off. It should be a crime.

REALLY COOL JOBS THAT I'M NOT NEARLY COOL ENOUGH FOR: I come across super cool job postings pretty regularly for journalistic/ creative/ hipster types. But I guess since I only have a year and a half of copywriting experience (and three years of blogging experience), I'm still a total newb in the world of writing. And therefore, I obviously have nothing to contribute that any random reader would want to read about. Unless you're interested in reading about butts and stuff, in which case, I'm practically an expert. I just get the impression that I'm being passed up left and right because I didn't go to a creative, artsy-fartsy school, or because I don't have any "connections" to shoo me in the door. I mean, it couldn't possibly be my actual work experience that's preventing me from getting these jobs, right?


I'm really hoping I don't have to bite the bullet one of these days and take a totally crappy job. Fingers crossed something good comes my way. In the meantime, I'll just keep searching job boards and running errands during the middle of the day, when every other asshole is off at work and the stores are empty.

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Recipe: Apple Spice Cake with Caramel Sauce.

As you may or may not remember, I recently made an apple cake. While the recipe was good, I wanted something a little more cakey and a little less bready. I wanted something with real apple chunks (instead of apple sauce) with an icing that wasn't as heavy as the cream cheese frosting from the previous cake.

I knew if anyone would know their shit when it comes to baking, it would have to be Martha Stewart.

I found this new recipe on Martha Stewart's website and tried it out for Eric's family's Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, I basically ate my weight in French onion dip and Fritos and turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and chardonnay, so there wasn't much room for dessert. But being the devoted baker I am, I managed to shove a slice down my throat. And let me tell you, it was gooooood. The caramel glaze REALLY makes this cake a treat.

APPLE SPICE CAKE WITH CARAMEL SAUCE
According to MarthaStewart.com

INGREDIENTS
1 1/3 cup vegetable oil
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 cups sugar
3 large eggs
4 Granny Smith apples, cored and cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans
1 tsp pure vanilla

CARAMEL SAUCE
1 cup light brown
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1 tsp pure vanilla
Pinch of salt


DIRECTIONS FOR CAKE
1. Preheat oven to 350 F (176 C). Spray a bundt pan with cooking spray; set aside.

2. Working over a large sheet of parchment paper, sift together flour, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to combine vegetable oil, sugar, and eggs. Mix on high speed until batter is lemon yellow.

4. Fold parchment paper in half, creating a valley where the sifted ingredients gather. With a mixer on medium speed, slowly add in dry ingredients until just incorporated.

5. Add apples and nuts to batter. Mix till just incorporated. Same for vanilla.

6. Pour batter into prepared pan and bake for 75 - 90 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into the the thickest part of the cake comes out dry.

7. Remove from oven and cool slightly on a wire rack.


8. Invert cake onto rack; turn cake right-side up to cool completely on rack.

9. Serve with drizzled caramel sauce.

DIRECTIONS FOR SAUCE
1. Combine ingredients in a small saucepan over medium heat. Cook, stirring, until sauce has reached desired consistency.

NOTE:
-The apples and nuts were my favorite parts of the cake. You really can't overdo the apples in this recipe, in my opinion.

-I added more evaporated milk to the caramel sauce than what the recipe called for. I'm guessing it was closer to 1/3 cup. I like the taste of evaporated milk (Ew! Gross!) and I wanted a runnier consistency.

-Keep an eye on the cake as it gets closer to its "done-cooking" time. I made this cake again two days later and left it in the oven a touch too long. It resulted in the apples along the outer edge looking like mini burnt briquettes. Since I didn't want those burnt bits ruining my cake, I just plucked them all out and figured the sauce would hide the holes. In actuality, the sauce did not hide the holes, and instead, my cake had a  Swiss cheese effect to it... with caramel sauce pooling in the potholes.

-The caramel sauce really is the star of this cake. The more sauce you can get on your slice, the better. It has a little more flavor than standard caramel, maybe closer to a thinned out dulce de leche. It was gooood.

This cake is really easy to make. And it feeds a lot of people. Try it out for your next holiday gathering!

Boner'ppetite!

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A Recycled Vlog from My Facebook Page.

A couple weeks back, I asked on my Facebook page for some on-the-spot vlogging topics. I was bored, and had important things to do. Which essentially means, I was not doing said important things, and instead, wasting time and begging for vlog topics.

Michael chimed in and asked about restaurants that I'd recommend in the Ventura County area.

And then... the vlog was reborn.

The bad news is that it probably won't benefit you if you don't live in the area. The good news is that it might not even benefit you if you DO live the area because I'm the world's worst restaurant critic.


RESTAURANT RECOMMENDATIONS IN VENTURA COUNTY


Here's the link to my Facebook post. I'd upload the actual video, but it's too big and I can't figure out how to resize it and The People's Court is starting in 15 minutes and I need a nap.

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Things I Hate: Generic Family Photos

Eric and I were talking the other night about family photos. Specifically, the fact that we need to take a picture for our Christmas cards before Christmas has come and gone and we're sending out Christmas-themed Easter photos.

The conversation quickly reminded me how much I hate certain types of family portraits. That "certain type" being the staged, contrived ones where everyone in the family wears a white button-down shirt and jeans/ khakis because that's what lame-brain photographers tell them will make them really "pop" and that these photos will be "timeless."

In case you happen to live on another planet, allow me to show you exhibits A, B, and C:

(This is also Xzibit. But this pic doesn't really apply to the scenario above.)

I don't usually use stock watermarked stock photos, but I opted to this time in order to avoid photographers suing me for talking shit about their dumb photos.

I know where photogs are going with this advice- it's an easy trick to make the subjects stand out. 

I still think it's generic. And when I see photos like these, my laser eyeballs automatically hone in on the crazy matching outfits, not the subjects' faces.

With that said, I love family portraits. I love studying the faces and seeing which characteristics were taken from which parent. I love seeing portraits that span several years of time because then you can see how each person has changed. I love holiday-themed portraits that show the change in seasons or decor. I love seeing portraits from generations past and recognizing fashion styles that have rerun over and over, like old episodes of Gilligan's Island. 

But I really dislike the cookie-cutter, lack of creativity, boring Webers-bread'ness of these white shirt portraits.

If you have family portraits like these, I apologize for pooping all over them. 

Does anyone else feel the same...? I realize I could be way out in left field here and maybe this template for photography is really the best thing ever invented.

Also, if I receive any holiday cards that use this template, we'll pretend this conversation never happened.

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A Trip to the Lady-Doctor.

(Originally written December 04, 2012)

This is going to be one of those posts that makes men- and probably women too- cringe and vacate the premises.

Today I had to go for another medical procedure. Although this one was much less risky/ invasive/ potentially damaging, I was much more stressed/ panicked/ scared shitless. I guess my fear came from the fact that I was going to be wide awake for this procedure. With my surgery, I was knocked the fuck out, so I didn't care what happened. But this time... Knowing there was going to be business going on in my own personal Netherlands while I was totally wide awake to suffer through it all...?? Just thinking about it made me want to take a long walk off of a short pier.

The procedure I went in for is called a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG for short (because nobody can ever remember how to pronounce that long-ass name). It's typically performed on women who have period issues. And since I have, like, every issue known to womankind, I was a prime candidate.

Basically, the procedure goes like this: The patient lies on a table in the exam room, legs in the old heave-ho position. (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.) There's a big X-ray machine overhead that takes photos of the belly area when needed. The radiologist inserts a speculum in your hooha, followed by a catheter that goes into the uterus. A dye is injected, making its way through the uterus, fallopian tubes, and spills out into the body cavity. They take X-rays and send them to your physician for review. The end.

I had read a lot of chat boards about HSGs. While there were women who said it was no biggie, there were a lot more who narrated tales of horror. No joke, I read more than one account that said the pain was worse than being in labor. And I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not down with labor. Other stories included horrible cramping, the dye burning, getting light-headed with the dye injection, nearly passing out afterward. Not to mention: the use of a CERVICAL CLAMP. (Guh. The name alone makes me queesy.) A whole treasure trove of delightful descriptions. All of this, combined with the fact that I have a known condition (endometriosis) that already makes things difficult? Which is why I would randomly burst into weepy tears over the past few days at the thought of VOLUNTARILY subjecting myself to this.

How did your visit go, TILTE? Cut to the chase already.

I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

As soon as my radiologist entered the room, I blurted out that I was scared as shit and I'm sure the insanity shooting from my eyeballs reaffirmed it. He was friendly and comforting and we sat chatting for a bit. -A trick I've seen the veterinarian pull a million times with Biscuit. (You doctor-types know your stuff.) He did the whole procedure very slowly and explained exactly what was happening each step of the way. No pain with the speculum. No pain with the catheter. And I didn't even feel the dye. Sure, it felt awkward and uncomfortable, but what do you expect when your private parts are cranked open and there's a tube hanging out of you? But it wasn't painful. And I was so grateful.

With help from the radiologist- who kept the the tech gear in place- and his assistant- who literally pulled the paper lining that I was laying on to slide me up the table and into X-ray position- it was time for photos. There was some minor tilting of the hips in order to get the right view of my internal organs. And the next thing I knew: It was over. I never got light-headed. I never felt sick. I totally worked myself up over nothing. And! I got to watch the whole thing on a TV screen. My insides lit up like normal!

Maybe I should mention I totally loaded up on meds before my appointment. Norco, Ibuprofen, and Xanax. They are my friends.

If you're planning on having this procedure done, DON'T STRESS ABOUT IT. I did and it totally turned it into an insurmountable obstacle that was messing with my brain. Also, take a sanitary napkin with you to your appointment. Otherwise, you'll walk out of there looking like you just peed your pants.

(Have questions about this procedure? Email me at TILTE at live dot com.)

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"Ladies Who Lunch."

Back in October, I hosted a Ladies Who Lunch. It was essentially an excuse to get together with friends who are either A) unemployed, or B) have random work schedules that give them time off during the work week.

I didn't know how successful the event was going to be since most of my friends are usually busy with their spouses and kids.

Turns out, they'd easily toss those babies aside for a weekday jaunt over to a friend's house for food and drinks. Which is probably why we're such good friends.

I provided two options of finger sandwiches- tuna salad and cucumber/ cream cheese. I also threw together a mixed greens/ goat cheese/ candied walnuts salad. And no luncheon would be complete without booze. But since we're ladies, I classed it up with orange juice and served mimosas. Lastly, I used leftover CandyMelts to make souvenirs. Which I then forgot to distribute and ended up eating myself.

The event was a potluck and my friends did not let me down. They brought a meat/ cheese platter, corn/ black bean salsa, and cupcakes.

Oh my God, did I end up going to town with all that food. I think my face was buried so deep in my plate, I didn't even contribute one word to the conversations.

It ended up being a total success! Thanks to the people involved (Rachel, Rawnie, and Christina) the food, the gossip, the timing- everything went off without a hitch. I've been meaning to plan another get-together, but this whole "unemployed during Christmas time" is totally cramping my style. Hopefully, I'll host another in the near future.

Boner'ppetite!

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