What I've Learned From Being Unemployed.

Even though I've accepted that this is the WORST time to be unemployed because A) it's Christmas, and B) nobody is hiring at the end of the year, I'm still searching in the hopes that a beacon of hope will someday shine in my direction.

In the meantime, I've noticed some really irritating things going on in the job market right now. I'd like to share them with you.

SHIT PAY: I love it when companies throw out a whole laundry list of qualifications that they expect their potential new-hires to have...... For a position that pays $8/ hr. Bitch please. If I was looking for a job that paid $8/ hr, it sure as hell wouldn't be for an uptight box of corporate drones. I'd rather be stress-free, secretly drinking/eating my weight in Jamba Juice smoothies or In-N-Out burgers.

AMBIGUOUS JOB POSTS: This is commonly seen on Craigslist, mostly because it's filled with lying assholes who pretend they're hiring for really great jobs, when in fact, they're just looking for people whom they can send emails about Viagra and Cialis. If you see a post that doesn't state a pay range, company name, contact name, or even city location, keep clicking. Unless of course you're looking for Viagra or Cialis, in which case, they'll totally hook you up.

TEMP AGENCIES: I always thought temp agencies were an easy "in" to getting into a new company. Apparently, I was wrong. I've been with one agency for four months now and they have yet to send me on ONE fucking interview. It's not like I'm looking for rocket-scientist/brain-surgeon/Mandarin-speaking/supermodel-looking job positions. I have ten years of administrative experience. I'm proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, Outlook, PowerPoint, Basecamp, Dropbox, PeopleSoft, and Google documents. I can easily use a Mac or PC computer. I know how to implement SEO keywords and I'm an awesome copywriter. Aren't those enough qualifications for a position that involves typing up correspondence and making coffee?

While we're on the topic of temp agencies, I've also submitted my resume to at least three other agencies in the hopes that I could spread my search through their companies. None of them ever emailed or called back to set up an initial interview or anything. I even had to call one of them several times just to make sure they received my resume in the first place. The woman on the other end said they would have someone review it and call me back the next day. I'm still waiting for the call. I'd expect this kind of malarky from the actual company who's doing the hiring, but from a temp agency? Aren't these companies supposed to be working WITH the employee, teaming up so they both benefit in the long run?

LONG-ASS APPLICATIONS: I hate it when I'm applying for a position that requires three hours worth of boasting, bragging, researching, and making up stupid-ass imaginary responses to stupid-ass imaginary scenarios. Experience tells me this application is going to result in a denial letter, so why bother? Because I need a job, that's why.

PART TIME VS FULL TIME: It seems to be a trend that companies are now looking to hire people to work 35-37 hours per week. Which is precisely the cut-off time for when employers would need to chime in with benefits. So essentially, they want practically all of your full-time work assistance, without having to kick down with luxuries like health insurance, 401K, or paid time off. It should be a crime.

REALLY COOL JOBS THAT I'M NOT NEARLY COOL ENOUGH FOR: I come across super cool job postings pretty regularly for journalistic/ creative/ hipster types. But I guess since I only have a year and a half of copywriting experience (and three years of blogging experience), I'm still a total newb in the world of writing. And therefore, I obviously have nothing to contribute that any random reader would want to read about. Unless you're interested in reading about butts and stuff, in which case, I'm practically an expert. I just get the impression that I'm being passed up left and right because I didn't go to a creative, artsy-fartsy school, or because I don't have any "connections" to shoo me in the door. I mean, it couldn't possibly be my actual work experience that's preventing me from getting these jobs, right?

I'm really hoping I don't have to bite the bullet one of these days and take a totally crappy job. Fingers crossed something good comes my way. In the meantime, I'll just keep searching job boards and running errands during the middle of the day, when every other asshole is off at work and the stores are empty.


tara said...

Ugh looking for a job is the WORST. If it makes you feel better, I got hired at my current job in December. So...you never know.

I hate those "too cool for you" jobs. I always get excited when I apply and then promptly realize they would never hire me for various reasons.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Lord I just had the worst "looking for jobs" flashbacks. My 6 months of looking for work only to finally take a job where I worked 20 hours a week at shit pay and (no kidding) drove a forklift half the time STILL gives me hives.

December is the month I was laid off and you're right, officially the worst month for looking for a job. But, it's the BEST time of the year for eating. So, silver lining?

Hang in there...

Stash said...

Hilarious, this is the best post yet and I feel like you can probably talk more about other things like, day time TV and creating a shit ton of job board accounts. Speaking of long online applications, anything "powered by Taleo" use to make me cringe because that was a sign it was going to be a long application

Erin said...

This is all dead-on. I was recently perusing the job listings on Craigslist and came away totally disgusted. The things employers expect vs what they give back to employees is utterly preposterous. I think you're so hilarious, you should be freelancing for various hip websites.

Adam said...

If all workers were full time (if wanted) there would be no economic crisis. A good job for every man creates demand. But people at the top want that green and more and more and more for themselves.

G. B. Miller said...

I had this kind of aggravation when I got laid off in 2003 as a state employee (you can insert snide comment here, I've heard them all).

I average about one job interview a month (was out of work for six) and for each one, the fact that I was a former guv'ment worker was held against me.

They figured why should they take a chance on hiring me if I was going to leave? At the time, nothing was further from the truth. But trying convincing potential employers of that and see how far it will get you.

Bigger than Average Mom said...

I feel you sister. It took me about me about 5 months to get my "dream job". I bring home less than I did on unemployment. we were supposed to go permanent in one week, but our contract is being extended for another three months. I don't have insurance, so my doctor don't see me and my anti-dp meds end in about a week and oh... this company recognizes all the cool holidays, so I'm not getting paid for full weeks. Lastly, I work wi

Bigger than Average Mom said...

I got cut off on my smart phone earlier... Lastly, I work with THE mean girls and the queen bee Regina sits next to me. As "someone" (anyone) once said... I don't get paid enough for this sh!t.

MRanthrope said...

this post = my past 7 months in a nutshell.

Also, In-N-Out starting pay is $10. Management @ burgerland can make six figures a year also. I know..fucked up huh?

A Lady Reveals Nothing said...

Sorry, dude. Hang in there. And don't stop writing about butts.

Simone DeBlasio said...

enjoy your time off, you'll be working again in the new year. also, work is over-rated.

© Things I Like to Eat (...and Other Nonsense), AllRightsReserved.

Designed by ScreenWritersArena