I'm Running Out of Time.

The title of this post makes me think of those emails you get from that Nigerian Prince you never met who needs your "asistanse" getting you that large inheritance from his independently wealthy uncle who just died and has no other heirs to give it to. (What?) And since those emails always have complete success, I'm only assuming the same thing will happen with this blog.

Anyway.

Time has been going by so fast lately.

I'm in a little bit of a routine. I don't really mind it. Because it's a good routine that keeps me busy and entertained. But it just seems like there are things I want to do, stories I want to write, accomplishments I want to make. And there's not enough time.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to speed things up and see what's in my future. Or if I want to slow things down and stop to smell the flowers. I guess I'm a little like that crazy bitch Jesse Spano when she took some stupid caffeine pills and started dancing around, singing The Pointer Sisters. "No time! Never any time!!!"



Maybe it's the time of year? School just started (not that it makes any difference to me), holidays are around the corner. The next couple of months are going to fly by, and before you know it, it'll be 2012.

Maybe it's my age? Everyone around me is starting (or continuing) to grow a family. They're doing special "parenty" events like taking their babies to the pumpkin patch and planning birthday parties and posting on Facebook about first teeth and first steps. Yeah. This kind of stuff bums my shit out.

Maybe it's my new job? Did I tell you about that? My new job? I'M GETTING PAID TO WRITE. Crazy shit, right? Anyway, I LOVE everything about my new job. Really, everything. But considering I'd been totally used to working from home for the past year (and by "working from home", I really mean blogging and watching The People's Court), I guess it's possible that actually GETTING UP and going INTO work might be making me feel like my days are slipping by, like the sands of time on the opening credits of Days of Our Lives.

Does this feeling ever slow down? Or have I reached a point of no return because I'm all old and shit and soon I'll be lecturing teenagers with anecdotes that start out with "When I was your age..."?

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I just thought I'd share.


Oh- and mega thanks to those who commented on my last post about Kids: Yay or Nay? I'd still love to hear all of your thoughts on the topic, guys especially. There's no right or wrong answer, so don't worry, I'm not going to bash you for saying babies suck and they ruin everything.

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The One Where I Complain About Being Old.

Before you flip the fuck out and slap me across the face for pretending like I'm old, allow me to explain myself.

I've never thought as the "30's" as old. Never. And when it comes to fashion and humor and maturity (see: Immaturity) level, I definitely think I'm far from being old.

But lately, my shit's been saying otherwise. And by my shit, I mean my body. Not my actual shit.


When I turned 30, my friend Melody said something along the lines of "Good luck. Your body totally changes like the second you turn 30. It happened to me." I thought she was bluffing her balls off and I didn't bat an eyelash at it. And here I am, 31, and now I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

-At 30, my mystery stomach problems kicked into high gear leaving me in such severe pain that I ended up in the ER. A year later, it was diagnosed as endometriosis. It was such a relief to finally get a fucking answer about what my problem was... but that feeling of relief was quickly followed by the realization that I might not be able to have kids. And that pretty much sucked.

My future.

-I started getting melasma spots on my face that now make me look like I have a permanent Hitler stache. And if you don't know what melasma spots are, they're those unfortunate looking dark spots that some women get on their face that make them look like they've been playing in dirt ditches and shit. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be winning America's Next Top Model this season.

My future.

-My metabolism slowed waaaaay the fuck down and I'm getting rounder by the second. I know what you're saying- "TILTE, maybe it's because you eat all kinds of fatty shit and you're the laziest person I know." Well, to that I say "I KNOW. QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE ALREADY." The thing that gets me about gaining weight is that I've always eaten like this and I've never had a problem staying thin. But now, it's like all the cranks and shafts and pulleys and levers inside my body have rusted over and come to a complete deep-fried halt. Even just getting dressed in the morning makes me FUCKING IRATE because it's like WWIII trying to break into a pair of freshly laundered jeans. And when I'm sitting at my desk and lean over to get something, my belly rolls are fighting their way to make it past each other. And as much as I hate to admit this, I've even worn loose fitting yoga type pants OUTSIDE of the house. -Which is fine for some people. But I'm just not one of those people. And to make matters worse, almost all of my friends have kids and they're still in just as great shape as always. And don't even get me started on the ones who've had kids and look BETTER.THAN.EVER. (I'm talking to you, Rachel C.) I'm not even pregnant and I'm already letting myself go. :::suicide:::

My future.

-My back always hurts. I've turned into one of those crazy old bats who always carries around a heating pack and downs Motrin like it's heroin-laced Skittles. I know my endometriosis plays a big part in my chronic back pains. It's tiresome and frustrating to know I get achy just after a normal day of sitting/ standing. Again, I know what you're going to say- "TILTE, if you just do some exercises and stretches it won't be so bad" to which I say "I KNOW. QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ASSHOLE." And I know you're totally right. But I have zero motivation to do something unless someone else is there telling me to do it. -And doing it with me. -And then taking me out to froyo afterwards to celebrate.

My future.

-I'm going gray. But I'm not like one of those freekazoids who actually lets their hair grow out gray. I dye those sonavabitches every few weeks. Because if I didn't, I would literally develop trichotillomania and pluck myself bald. Gray hairs are disgusting assholes and I hate them.

My future.

-The other night I had an Old Fashioned and a Peach Iced Tea Martini... and the next morning I woke up with a hangover. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?!? When I lived in London, I used to get TANKED on Vodka/ Redbulls. Sure I'd wake up with a hangover, but that would be after like 6 drinks. -You know, when it was totally warranted. Now, I have to match my cocktail/ water ratio, pig the fuck out to soak it up, and take an Ibuprofin before I go to bed just to make sure I can function the next day. Ugh. It's embarrassing, really.

My future.

-My friend Dar (who's a dentist) once told me that a person's saliva changes as they get older. Mostly starting when they turn 30. Apparently, your spit gets thicker, you get more dry-mouth and consequently, you get more build-up. When he told me that, I thought he was full of shit. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure he was right. And you know how I know? Because my teeth feel fuzzy by the end of the day. And I'm blaming that shit on my old-person spit and it's lack of cleaning abilities.

My future.

-I hear motorcycles or cars with loud exhausts rev their engines as they drive down the street and I literally want to shit in my hand and throw it out my window at them.

My future.

I hope I didn't bum any of you about-to-be-30'ers out, but it's about time we face the facts here. Getting old sucks.

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Shit I Hate: House Hunters Edition.

Do you watch House Hunters or Property Virgins or My First Home or any of those other addicting HGTV shows?

I do.

And even though there is GUARANTEED to be at least one person per episode who makes my blood boil like molten hot lava, I STILL watch it. Like a moth to a flame.

The following is a list of stupid shit I hear people say alllllll the time that really makes me want to roll around on the floor like I'm on fire.

"The pricepoint we're looking at is $XXX,XXX." - Why OH WHY can't they just say "PRICE"?? Why is it now "pricepoint"whenever you're talking about how much money you're willing to spend on a house? DUMB. Just say price.

"I just love the open floor concept." - This is suuuuuch a trendy thing to say. We get it, you want one big house with no walls. So does every other moron out there.

"Hm... I was really hoping for granite counter tops/ stainless steel appliances...." You-Can-Install-That-Shit-Laterrrrrrr. Dummy.

(Said by woman/ girlfriend/ female companion in reference to the walk-in closet) "Well, there's enough room for MYYYY stuff." Ladies- making jokes about hogging all the closet space wasn't funny the first 85 times I heard it, and it's still not funny when you say it.

(Said by shopper who currently lives a tiny-ass studio apartment, OR better yet, his/ her parent's home) "Ugh. This bedroom/ extra room/ workout room/ office is WAY to small." Bitch, please. You're coming from a 10x10 ft room and you're complaining that this 1500 sq ft house is too small??? Just stop already.

"I need a house with a MAN CAVE." Always said by some yolked-out, no-neck-having, Geico caveman lookalike.

"I need a house with a MEDIA CENTER ROOM." Usually said by Man Cave dude, but can pretty much apply to any male. Also, this is another one of those trendy things to have right now. When I was growing up, we didn't have "Media Center Rooms" with theater seating and stupid reels of film affixed to the walls. We had a "Den" that had a couch, a beanbag, a 20in TV, and the walls were covered with embarrassing school photos. Media Center Rooms are for pansies.

"Ohhhh, little Bella/ Ashton/ Fido will absolutely LOVE this house!" Your dog and your embryo don't care what the house looks like. They probably won't even notice they moved. Quit acting like your kids/ pets are super geniuses, it makes you look dumb.

"I don't know. The wall color (chandelier/ curtains/ drawer knobs) are ugly." If these people can't even figure out how to visit the local Home Depot, how the hell are they supposed to be trusted with a giant piece of property??

You know what else I hate? That all the carpenters have this stupid hairstyle.

They look filthy and greasy. GET A HAIR CUT.

And lastly, I love it when a house hunter is offering way below their max and they have the nerve to quibble over a negligible amount like $1-5k. When you've already found the house of your dreeeeeams and you're already ready to put down a whopping $400k on it, what does another $1-5k matter. Answer: IT DOESN'T.

Alright. That's the end of my rant.

Anyone else bothered by stupid shit they see on house hunting shows??

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Blogger, Get Your Act Together.

Has anyone else had problems with comments lately? I don't mean a lack of comments because I definitely have no advice on that topic. What I'm referring to is leaving comments.

Ever since blogger had it's little meltdown the other week I've been unable to comment on certain blogs. If the blog comment box is a pop-up, then I can comment without problems. But if it's the kind that shows a static comment box in the blog itself, it sends me through an endless loop of "Must be signed in to comment" and "Type comment here" and "Must be signed in to comment" and "Type comment here". It was bugging my shit and since I was unable figure it out, some of you have gone without my comments. So, what I'm saying is... if you've noticed that your blog has had fewer comments than usual, blame it on blogger. I know I am.

Well, I read online yesterday that this comment problem can probably be solved by switching browsers. I was hoping this wasn't true because I'm a golden oldie and like to stick with Internet Explorer for all my internet needs, but I decided to give it a try anyway. What do you know- it worked. So if any of you have been having problems with the dreaded comment log-in loop, just open the the blog in another browser (Internet Explorer, Mozilla Firefox, or Google Chrome) and you should be able to comment like normal.

Has anyone had this problem? Or am I the only one?

On a totally unrelated note- check out my entry at Sprocket Ink. -Especially if you like breaking news about Tupac being alive and living in New Zealand.

That's right.

TUPAC.

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Lots of Things That Have Nothing to Do With Each Other.

Once again, I've fallen behind on my blogging and now my head is full of mental sticky notes of things I wanted to blog about.

Welcome to all the Weedies visiting from Joshweed.com. If you've never been to his page, Josh's latest entry is about his recent run-in with a colonoscopy, which was not too dissimilar to my own experience. Josh was kind enough to send you new visitors to my page so we could all become acquainted with each other in a totally-acceptable-on-the-internet way, by talking about our buttholes. Nice to meet you. (BTW Josh, I'm glad your results came back negative. It would have been a real bummer if you'd discovered you have endometriosis too.)

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Things that bother me: Loud ass music blaring from cars. It doesn't matter whether it's rap, country, metal mania, or big-top-circus-style tejano. I don't want to hear your shitty music. I want to hear MY shitty music.

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Boyfriend, Pearl and I recently stayed with Boyfriend's sister for the weekend. She and her husband threw together this hearty and delicious breakfast that I'm pretty sure I had thirds and fourths of. If you're anything like me (lucky you), you like to strap on the old feedbag the morning after you've been out on a bender. And if so, this is just the meal to do it with.

Vicki's Hangover Scramble (I took the liberty of naming it myself.)

Ingredients:
-Eggs
-Cheese
-Bacon
-Frozen hash browns potatoes
-Bell Peppers
-Onion

Directions:
Cut bacon into bite sized pieces and cook. In a separate skillet, brown potatoes. Add julienne peppers and dice onions. If you want to save yourself some time, just use the Ore-Ida hash browns that come with potatoes and onion already mixed in. So basically, this is where things get dicey. I'm not sure if Vicki scrambled her eggs in a third skillet or just mixed them straight into the potatoes. I'm going to say just add them to the potatoes. And throw the bacon on top. And also, feel free to add any leftover meat from dinner the night before (she added kielbasa). Heat until cooked. Then eat the shit out of it.


Boner'ppetite.

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Remember my last entry- the one on the royal wedding? Well, it looks like I did such a fab job on my wedding fashion recap that people from all over the world started visiting my page. That's right, I'm big time now. I got a whopping 316 pageviews for that one entry (of which I'm still getting as we speak), 193 of those being unique views. And as if that weren't enough, the average time spent on that post was 2:14. That means people were actually REEEEADING and looking at shit on my page. I know to most of you all that shit above makes no sense. But to a techie blognerd like me, it means a lot. Ahhh, I'm so proud of myself. Nevermind that I didn't get any new followers or even one comment from a new visitor. I'll save that rant for another day.

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I posted this morning at Sprocket Ink. You can check it out HEEERE. Usually my Sprocket Ink posts are more about current events and less about my life and shit. However, today's post DOES have something to do with food... Two birds, one stone.

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Also, if you haven't joined my Facebook group yet, what are you waiting for?? I'll even make it easy for you- JUST.CLICK.HERE. Thanks! Seriously.

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Love Your Pet.

WARNING: There are very sad photos and videos coming up.

I usually don't post this many enties in one week. And I usually try not to post about subjects that make me sound like I'm getting on my soap box. But this topic is something that really fucking bothers me and it really deserves all the coverage it can get.

Do you know who Kisha Curtis is? She's a heartless bitch who starved her puppy to near-death. And then threw him down the garbage chute so he could die in the trash. Just in case you think I'm exagerrating, click here to get the full story.

What the fuck is wrong with people that they think it's okay to abuse animals? This isn't an isolated case either. The SAME shelter that's nursing Patrick the wonderpup back to life is also working on a dog named Marvel who was impaled on a pole and left to die. Maybe if this country had stricter laws about it, there wouldn't be so many cases of animal cruelty. Abuse of an animal is still abuse and $1000 fine is NOT a fitting punishment for it.

This video show images of what Patrick looked like on the day he was discovered. It's sad and hard to watch. But he's getting better and stronger everyday and the hope that he'll pull through a be a great pet makes me want to help him.



He's making huge progress through the help of the Associated Humane Society, Popcorn Park Zoo, and donations from across the nation. I made a donation and you can too by going here. It doesn't have to be huge. And I know it's easy to say "I'd love to, but I'm broke" (and then proceed to meet with friends for drinks tonight). When I thought about donating $25 for a puppy who's been tortured his whole life and still has the will to live- or splurging on two extra cocktails- it was a no brainer.

Here's a video showing his latest progress:



As you can see, he's just a sweet, happy pup who's eager to learn about the world all around him.

I feel so bad for what he's had to endure. And I hope he makes a full recovery and becomes a great pet for a loving family.

And I hope his previous owner rots in hell.

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Bloggers: I Don't Get Them.

I recently read an entry by The Tsaritsa about a recent run-in she had with another blogger. Now, I don't know anything about the blogger in question (I've actually never heard of her before), so I'm not trying to bash on anyone. But what I did find really interesting were the some of the points The Tsaritsa has noticed about bloggers in general:

"- Egotists will say anything to make themselves sound better than they actually are.

- Super self-absorbed people have a hard time taking a good look at their own reflection, oddly enough, and seeing themselves for who they truly are.

- If an egomaniac disagrees with your opinion, they will delete your comments, no matter how level-headed you were in your post. It's their way or the highway-- either you agree with their opinion or you have no opinion at all-- which only serves to make them look like an even bigger egotist."

It was actually perfect timing when I read this post because I'd just had a conversation with a friend about a very similar topic. This friend and I used to follow a blogger who seemed funny and cool and like someone we'd probably hang out with in real life. At one point, I emailed the blogger asking about some vitamins or something that she had mentioned in her blog. We emailed a few times and I thought we were buddies, so I sent her a friend request on Facebook. Well, apparently that was too hot for the blogger to handle because she straight up immediately changed her profile to Undercover Brother status, denied my olive branch of friendship, and didn't respond to any more emails. I was a little "WTF- I thought we were friends!!!", but eventually got over it.

I kept following her blog for a while, until it seemed like it was starting to take on a different tone. All of a sudden, everything was about how great and funny and cute she is. Her followers started multiplying by the hundreds, all of them kissing her butt with every comment they left. Her blog was no longer a snarky look at life, it was about the blogger stroking her own ego. My interest waned and it didn't take long for me to unfollow.

Sometime later, I learned that the blogger was in some kind of online contest. She was bitter and hateful because (Gasp!) someone else was in first place. Apparently, the blogger wrote an entry being catty and immature about the first-place blogger, which in turn, got her army of darkness to go to the other girl's blog and leave rude comments. So my friend commented on her blog with something like "You shouldn't make fun of her just because you're in second place- she's winning fair and square." (Or something to that effect.) Well, that just set the blogger's face on fire because apparently she emailed my friend several times going apeshit. And OF COURSE her followers jumped on my friend like flies on shit. I guess this went on for several days until the blogger realized my friend wasn't playing along.

So this brings me to the question: What the fuck is going on with bloggers who think they're the shit? Is it something that happens when you hit the 600 follower mark? Or does it happen when you get 85 buttkissing comments in a row?? (Which, by the way, seems sooo boring to me.) If so, don't worry friends, we've got a loooooong time before that shit happens here. I may joke about being hilarious and famous, but we all know it's a joke. I don't take myself seriously and I especially love my readers because they comment like normal human beings, not starstruck morons. (And I'd like to add, I basically approve all comments unless they are making fun of other people in my blog. Making fun of me is fine- Making fun of my friends and family, not fine.) If you disagree with me or think something I said is crazy, tell me. I'm not going to turn into a pile of ash because you have a different opinion.

In a totally separate, but somewhat related note- I was reading another blogger's entry recently where he asked for readers' opinions. So I left mine. I was honest, but made sure to still be respectful. I even asked Boyfriend to read it over and make sure it wasn't rude or offensive in any way. It got a thumbs up from him, so I posted. Not even an hour later, the comment was deleted. No sign of it anywhere. Why do bloggers ask for opinions if they don't really want them? Any answer, as long as it's respectful should be valid, right...? When I ask questions in my blog, it's because I really want to know what you think, not because I want you to agree with me. -Unless I actually do want you to agree with me, in which case I'll say "What do you think? -Just agree with me."

When you have a blog, you're putting yourself out there to be liked or not liked. I'm okay with not being liked. I mean, let's call a ham a ham- I want people to like me and think I'm entertaining and maybe I also hope one day Ellen Degeneres will read this and ask me to be on her show. But I'm still okay with the fact that this blog isn't for everyone. When you blog, do you expect everyone to see things your way, or are you open to other points of view...?


PS: Ellen- I'm waiting for the call.

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