Another One About Poop (Part I of II).

So the last time I was at my doctor's office we had a conversation that went something like this:

DR: I'm giving you a referral for a colonoscopy.

TILTE: Nah, I'm cool.

DR: A colonoscopy might be able to give us a better idea of what's bothering your stomach.

TILTE: Ugh. Another test involving my butthole? AND I have to drink rancid laxative juice?? Is it going to make me nauseous, because if so, I don't want any part of it.

DR: No, just get the Miralax kind and mix it with lemonade Crystal Light. Usually sour drinks calm an upset stomach. Anyway, the specialist's office will call to set up your appointment.

:::Two weeks later:::

SPECIALIST: Colonoscopies are great and they will show us if you have endometriosis, ulcers, colitis, abnormal growths, or cancer and here are your instructions and I'll meet you at the hospital in two weeks!

TILTE: Oh. Uh. Cool. See you then...

Now flash to the present. Today I've been prepping for my big day tomorrow. For anyone who's never had a colonoscopy, it's loads of fun. And by fun, I really mean misery. My diet has consisted of clear liquids ONLY (with NO red, orange, or purple dye). Do you know what that means? Let me tell you what that means. It means I fucking starved to death today.

To add insult to injury, there are special "pre op" instructions to follow the night before the procedure. They involve laxatives. Lots of them.

Basically, this is what my day has looked like:

7:30am: Wake up.

8am: Decide it's a bad idea to watch anything on The Food Network and/or The Cooking Channel today.

8:30am: Have plain tea for breakfast.

9-11:30am: Chug water and gatorade.

12pm: Pig out on lunch (aka broth).

12:30-2:30pm: Chug water and gatorade.

3pm: Have some more "lunch".

4pm: Take two Dulcolax pills.

4-6pm: Watch a movie and try to forget how suicidal you are.

6pm: Drink 8oz of Crystal Light mixed with a shitload of Miralax every 30 min. until all 64oz are gone.

7:42pm: Have first asshole explosion of the night.

7:53pm: Have second asshole explosion of the night.

Note: It's important to note right here that at NO time is it safe to fart. Stay close to a toilet because diarrhea will be so Niagara-Falls-like, you'll begin to wonder when your butthhole stopped pooping and decided to take up peeing.

8:30pm: Start to seeth at the sight of a lemon flavored drink.

8:30-10:30pm: 100th asshole explosion of the night.

Also, throw in about 500 "Think about what you're going to eat today, remember you'll only be eating water all day, then proceed to cry" intermittently throughout the day.

All in all, I guess it could have been worse. I could have taken the other type of laxative that the specialist originally perscribed (GoLYTELY), which I've heard tastes like shit and makes everyone nauseous. In which case, I would have had firehose-like liquids spewing from both ends.

Fingers crossed nothing crazy happens at my appointment tomorrow. -Like the specialist accidentally piercing my colon with her fancy medical camera.

I'll keep you posted.


jerrod said...

this is why i nominated and voted for you in best female blog.

love it. not "it"... just that you talk about it.

you get me...

hed said...

"you'll begin to wonder when your butthhole stopped pooping and decided to take up peeing."

omg, I'm still laughing. So hard.

hed www.hedabovewater.com

Margot said...

i hope you get paid for this kind of stuff. and by stuff i mean both the butthole exploration and writing this hilarious blog.

Kim said...

Good luck, lady.

And don't sneeze. Cuz that sounds kind of dangerous right now.

Rawnie said...

The doctor better find something this time, like buried treasure or your adoption papers. If not, I swear they are just wanting to stick things up your butthole.

Megs said...

Good luck!

Julia said...

I have tears rolling down my cheeks, You are Hilarious! Good luck with your test!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh man. Good luck for the big butt pipe thing. Just remember, it'll be over soon and then you can eat again. And take a solid shit without decorating the walls at the same time.

Seriously though, good luck!

Nikosmommy said...

Well having had a colonoscopy before I can honestly say that you "will survive". (in the words of Gloria gaynor!)

Totally uncool experience with redic prep require. But soon enough it will be all fodder for your next blog post. hope it went well!!

Bonnie said...

I laughed out loud and then I almost vomited.
Thanks for that.
And good luck with your butthole.


Kara said...

OMG, dying, tears flowing, gasping, choking...

My mom had her first colonoscopy a year or so ago and she had very much the same experience. She'd call me after each ass explosion to describe in detail how awful it was. Seriously, I got at least 12 calls from her that day.

Good luck and I hope all your buttpee was worth it and you get some answers!!

jess said...

when i have diarrhea i tell my family i am peeing out my bumhole. so, i totally get that analogy.

i've had several colonoscopies. i basically cry all day and say things like "i would even eat a tomato right now." and the shitty tasting prep that you didn't have to drink is the kind they A L W A Y S make me drink. it's tantamount to torture and should be illegal.

good luck! once you're done with the prep, the hard part is over! but just fyi, you will fart for like, 1 hour straight after the procedure.

Chrystal said...

Omg dying laughing-especially "at no time is it safe to fart" lol!! I hope everything goes ok kid!

Sara Louise said...

I have to have one every 9 months. It sucks but I milk it for loads and loads of sympathy and presents (much more than are deserved). Good luck, you'll be fine!

Jeff F said...

Not a fun process with all those laxatives - but "this too will pass" - o.k. that was a bad pun :)

thisgirlbeck said...

hahahaha... oh man. you are too funny. Really.. I hoope everything goes well and make sure you keep us updated, and if you can get pics.. well then post those mofo's!


You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

JERROD- omgggg, thank you so much!!! i doubted your honesty and immediately went over to Studio30Plus to check it out. low and behold, there i am. :::drool::: i'm such a celeb now.

HED- thanks for commenting! but seriously, this was diarrhea to the 10th degree.

MARGOT- unfortunately, this is just my life and i don't get paid for sharing these little gems with you. but thanks for the compliment. <3

KIM- i don't even want to think of the disasters that could have taken place if i had sneezed.

RAWNIE- i haven't gotten my test results back yet, but she did mention seeing an old Daft Punk cd in there. sorry, i guess i'll have to buy you a new one.

MEGS- thanks! it actually wasn't too bad... but it's ALWAYS great to hear words of encouragement.

JULIA- thanks! i'm glad my crying butthole was able to cheer up your day. ;)

VEG- you hit the nail on the head. it did NOT take long before i was painting the back of the toilet, jackson pollock style.

NIKO- it did go well, thank you! and you're right, at the very least, i got some blog entries out of it.

BONNIE- thanks. i'm glad i could make you smile and vom at the same time. it's a little known talent i have.

KARA- i was doing the same thing with boyfriend that your mom did with you. every time i came back from the bathroom, it was like announcing winners at the academy awards.

JESS- next time you have to do it, try the Miralax/ lemonade combo (lemonade as in american lemonade, not fizzy soda). it seemed to be a breeze compared to some of the stories i heard about golytely.

CHRYSTAL- i'm sure your dad could vouch for me on the hazards of pre-colonoscopy "situations". ;)

SARA- omgggggg, i can't even imagine doing it every 9 months. there would end up being some major classical conditioning taking place and i'm sure i would work myself up into a diarrhea storm without even needing the laxatives. you are a brave person.

JEFF- thanks for visiting. you're right, this too did pass. in fact, i'm pretty sure there wasn't one thing in sight that DIDN'T pass.

BECKY- funny you should mention pics. i need to follow up with the specialist and see why i didn't get a picture of the goods. the photo was the only part of the procedure i was looking forward to.

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

That post even made my butthole hurt.

Wombat Central said...

Glad your ass is okay. Mine's gone. I just laughed it off. You slay me.

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