DR: I'm giving you a referral for a colonoscopy.
TILTE: Nah, I'm cool.
DR: A colonoscopy might be able to give us a better idea of what's bothering your stomach.
TILTE: Ugh. Another test involving my butthole? AND I have to drink rancid laxative juice?? Is it going to make me nauseous, because if so, I don't want any part of it.
DR: No, just get the Miralax kind and mix it with lemonade Crystal Light. Usually sour drinks calm an upset stomach. Anyway, the specialist's office will call to set up your appointment.
:::Two weeks later:::
SPECIALIST: Colonoscopies are great and they will show us if you have endometriosis, ulcers, colitis, abnormal growths, or cancer and here are your instructions and I'll meet you at the hospital in two weeks!
TILTE: Oh. Uh. Cool. See you then...
Now flash to the present. Today I've been prepping for my big day tomorrow. For anyone who's never had a colonoscopy, it's loads of fun. And by fun, I really mean misery. My diet has consisted of clear liquids ONLY (with NO red, orange, or purple dye). Do you know what that means? Let me tell you what that means. It means I fucking starved to death today.
To add insult to injury, there are special "pre op" instructions to follow the night before the procedure. They involve laxatives. Lots of them.
Basically, this is what my day has looked like:
7:30am: Wake up.
8am: Decide it's a bad idea to watch anything on The Food Network and/or The Cooking Channel today.
8:30am: Have plain tea for breakfast.
9-11:30am: Chug water and gatorade.
12pm: Pig out on lunch (aka broth).
12:30-2:30pm: Chug water and gatorade.
3pm: Have some more "lunch".
4pm: Take two Dulcolax pills.
4-6pm: Watch a movie and try to forget how suicidal you are.
6pm: Drink 8oz of Crystal Light mixed with a shitload of Miralax every 30 min. until all 64oz are gone.
7:42pm: Have first asshole explosion of the night.
7:53pm: Have second asshole explosion of the night.
Note: It's important to note right here that at NO time is it safe to fart. Stay close to a toilet because diarrhea will be so Niagara-Falls-like, you'll begin to wonder when your butthhole stopped pooping and decided to take up peeing.
8:30pm: Start to seeth at the sight of a lemon flavored drink.
8:30-10:30pm: 100th asshole explosion of the night.
Also, throw in about 500 "Think about what you're going to eat today, remember you'll only be eating water all day, then proceed to cry" intermittently throughout the day.
All in all, I guess it could have been worse. I could have taken the other type of laxative that the specialist originally perscribed (GoLYTELY), which I've heard tastes like shit and makes everyone nauseous. In which case, I would have had firehose-like liquids spewing from both ends.
Fingers crossed nothing crazy happens at my appointment tomorrow. -Like the specialist accidentally piercing my colon with her fancy medical camera.
I'll keep you posted.