1.18.2011

Another One About Poop (Part II of II).

Remember that one time I couldn't eat for a long ass time and nearly went insane in the membrane because of the starvations? Yeah, I do too. In fact, I'm still having 'Nam flashbacks to it. Every time I see a commercial for something delicious and greasy I start rocking back-n-forth in the corner. And then I realize my test is over and done with and I can eat all the non "clear liquids" my heart desires. And I immediately run to the kitchen and eat my weight in Ritz crackers and Hickory Farms cheeseball.

So the last time we left off, I'd basically blown a hole right through the bottom of my torso where my butt used to be. That night I tried to stay up as late as possible to avoid any middle-of-the-night disasters. I ended up waking up a few times throughout the night, which was totally okay with me because at least it meant I wasn't doodooing all over the bed.

The next morning I was feeling pretty good and looking forward to getting this test (of my willpower and strength) over with. By the time I got checked in at the hospital, my stomach was basically eating itself. Boyfriend and I hung out in the waiting area for a few minutes (I was the youngest person in the room by at least 100 years) before they called me in. The nurse asked me some questions, handed me a gown, and I waited on a gurney for probably another twenty minutes.

TILTE weak from the starvations.

Finally, a nurse came in to set up my IV. This broad must have been new to the game, because she couldn't manage to get her act together. First she tried my wrist. "Try making a fist... hm... Ok, relax your hand... hm... ok... I can't seem to get it to thread... let's try your arm instead." So she poked my arm and then gave me the same old song and dance about not being able to get it to thread. At this point my brain was imagining the needle doing a window-wiper effect, scraping back and forth inside my vein. She ended up calling another nurse over and they finally got me hooked up.

They rolled me- on my gurney- from one room, through a hallway, and into the "official" room. This was the first time I'd ever been on a gurney and it felt weird. Like, real weird. I was pretending I was starring on an episode of ER and I felt like some really top secret doctor shit was about to take place.

I was in and out of sleepiness for the rest of my visit, but from what I remember, it went something like this:

Nurse: Okay, we're going to start the drip.
(five seconds later)
TILTE: UhhHhHhHh... I feel totally wasted...
(and scene.)

Next thing I know, I'm waking up and it's all over with. There was some farting taking place, which the doctor had warned me about. (Not to mention I got to experience the symphony of flatulence from other colonoscopy patients when I was first waiting for the nurse to turn my arm into swiss cheese.) Boyfriend came into the recovery room and I'm pretty sure I thanked him a million times and told him how much I loved him and probably daydreamed about an Arby's Beef n Cheddar.

Once I had become lucid enough to go home, they sent boyfriend outside while a nurse helped me get dressed. Thankfully, I was still like 80% loco from the meds so I wasn't even embarrassed when the nurse wiped my butt not once, but twice. After I was dressed, she put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me out to boyfriend where I greeted him with a "Oh hai! What are you doing here?" (I don't really remember this, but boyfriend said it happened.)

TILTE being "...sooooo wasted..."

As soon as I got home, I fell straight back to sleep for another hour and a half. Boyfriend woke me up to let me know I had to eat (Waking me up because I need to eat?? Match.Made.in.Heaven.). So where did I go for my first meal in a lifetime two days?

THE OLIVE GARDEN.

What. I wanted delicious, knock-off Italian food, okay. Sue me.

HellooOoOoOo all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks.

And for the piece de resistance...

OhhHhHhhh Tour of Italy. You'll never do me wrong.

So that was my experience with a colonoscopy.

13 comments:

Mel said...

I had a very similar reaction ater my colonoscopy! When I woke up a lady came in with a sandwich for me and I told her I loved her, then the butt-camera doctor came in (who I'd never seen before) and told me that it had all gone well, and I told her I loved her.

I don't know what that stuff is, but I wants me some more! Glad it's all over for you.

P.S That food looks all kinds of amazement!.

Suzanne said...

I also had this, and remember nothing, but the drug of choice is Ketamine the horse stuff, better known by its nom de plume 'Special K'.....

jerrod said...

you had me at doodooing.

Also at the randomness of speech after waking up from the sleepy gas. I had surgery last summer on my ankle and told my friend after waking up six times in 10 minutes that I wasn't allowed to put any weight on my ankle for six weeks. Not...ANY. I said it didn't happen, she says it did.

You rock, girl.

Megs said...

You just broke my Sicilian heart with that thing about the Olive Garden. At least you recognize it's not real Italian food I guess.

I'm giving you a pass because of the starvation and the colonoscopy and basically going through what I'm pretty sure hell is like.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

MEL- thanks for visiting! i wish my nurse would have woken me up with a sandwich. instead, mine just handed me a tiny carton of apple juice. and then i told her i loved her.

SUZANNE- i didn't get ketamine. mine was a combo of versed and fentanyl and it was off the chain good.

JERROD- at least you were consistent. and probably didn't put any weight on that ankle.

MEGS- i am totally aware that The Olive Garden is a sorry excuse for italian. but we all know how much i like my crappy foods. also, i'm pretty sure i was near death and my mind was playing tricks on me.

The Barreness said...

Sleepy gas is fun.

Except when you wake up with no pants on and a strange tingling in your 'nether regions'...

Actually, no. It's still fun then.

- B x

Marie a la Mode said...

I remember when my boyfriend had to do this. Oh boy! It's not fun!

StephanieC said...

I posted similarly, about the prep.

I spent all day pooping. Good times.

Glad you survived! I didn't get Olive Garden. I got left alone, fell down and bashed my head into the dresser, and may have eaten a banana. Not too sure.

Also? I didn't get knocked right out - so I FELT EVERYTHING.

Fuckers.

:-)

Sara Louise said...

After my last one, I don't even remember how I got home, but I remember waking up on my couch with a half eaten bag (one of the big bags) of peanut M&Ms. I think I was munching on them in my sleep.

Wombat Central said...

I had a scope of the other end of the digestive tract, and I think I got the same meds you did. Very nice cocktail of drugz. I don't remember getting to the car. My MIL took me and had fun laughing at my inability to get dressed on my own and the fact that I don't remember our conversation. Nice.

Deborah said...

I'm one of the peeps over a hundred that should be in the waiting room.

Not for any reason, but when you hit an 'age' you're supposed to have one.

Reading this; oh hell no. Someone wiping my butt. Oh hell no. Unrepentant gas? Oh hell no.

Sigh

Jamie said...

I hope they figure out what's going on with your insides! Ugh. I've had not one but two colonoscopies in my short life. Pretty much the same experience, except the second one, they used an anesthesia with an egg base, after I told them several times I was allergic to eggs... then broke out in a horrible, painful rash that lasted a few days. Of course, when I was being put under for my first one, the nurse let air get in the tube and I almost died... So I'm pretty sure I'm never doing another colonoscopy again, ever.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

BARRENESS- this was even better than sleepy gas, it was being pumped straight into my veins. i seriously don't even remember getting drousy or anything and then all of sudden i'm waking up and it's over. i'm going to see if i can request that same medication cocktail anytime i have to anything slightly unbearable, ie., physical exams, jury duty, going to the DMV.

STEPHANIE- i read your post the day before my "cleanse". it made me feel better to know you didn't die of post-colonoscopy asshole-itis.

WOMBAT- you're braver than me. for some reason i have more fear of doing the upper GI test. (thankfully i don't have to.)

DEBS- seriously, it's not that bad. don't listen to me, i write this shit for comic relief. plus, you get to pig the fuck out afterwards. :)

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