Have You Heard About Portable North Pole?

My good friend Melissa emailed me one of these videos that Santa made just for me. I instantly fell in love with it and wanted to make videos for everyone I know. But since that would take way too long and Judge Judy was on the horizon, I just made one for Pearl.

Portable North Pole is a customizable video where you can upload photos and give somewhat personalized info about a person on Santa's Naughty/ Nice list. It's kind of like a Christmasy Choose Your Own Adventure, as the options have slight variations depending on your answers.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to embed the actual video because I didn't feel like paying $6.99 to download it. But if you CLICK HERE you can watch it on their website.

Children and adults alike will get a kick out of this website. It only takes a few minutes to make a really cool, personalized Christmas video that your kids will remember for a while. If nothing else, your kids may try a little harder to stay in line now that they know Santa's watching. Just last night, Pearl tried extra hard to "behave at the dinner table" last night. Lol.

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I'm Going to End Up Eating Kibble When No One's Looking.

I'm sure everyone* (*no one) has been majorly concerned about my whereabouts lately and wondering why my posts have been so few and far between.

So I'm here to tell you all* (*mom) not to worry, everything is going great. And by "great", I mean "fat". And before you embarrass yourself and ask if I'm pregnant, let me say No, I am not pregnant. So when you see me out at happy hour, don't be worried that I'm damaging my unborn baby. There's no baby. It's just waffles.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way.

I have something to share with you today. It's something that I'm pretty fucking excited about, but I realize that you probably won't give a shit about it. That's totally fine. Based on my analytics, I've come to accept the fact that our friendship "honeymoon" may have come to an end.

Alright, so the big topic of discussion is... my diet.

My diet is shit and I'm gaining weight and I'm not looking good.



With that said, I'm taking a stand against my chins and butts, y'all.

And I'm inviting YOU to stand against my chins and butts with me. (I know what I said.)

I created an account on DailyBurn to track everything I eat. With every item I track, my counter updates and lets me know how many calories, grams of fat, grams of protein, and grams of carbs I have left in the day in order to stay within my "lose weight" range.

If you're interested in making a DailyBurn account to track your food, let me know and we can be buddies! We can totally keep each other motivated AND get ideas from each other for healthy meals. And don't worry- nobody can see your private details (weight). And if we become buddies and it turns out you actually CAN see my weight details, you better fucking pretend like you never saw that shit.
Disclaimer: If you're one of those super competitive people and you have no problem going all anorexic and shit, we can't be friends.

And to get the ball rolling on this bitch, I'm even going to share my digits for today:

See that exclamation point in the "Fat" category? That means I did an OUTSTANDING job at overeating fat today. Also- it looks like someone needs to drink more water.

So... Who's in???

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In Case You Need a Laugh.

Yesterday I came across two things that made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a while.

The first one is a website I found on StumbleUpon. The page in question involves a guy who steals his friend's photos from Facebook, slightly alters them, and then places them back online on his own account. This page seriously had me laughing out loud, by myself, in my office. And then again on my drive home. And then again when I got home.

OLI AND ALEX - JAMES' FACE


The second is a clip from that horrifying, redneck, disaster of a show, Toddlers and Tiaras. When we first watched this scene, Boyfriend was silent, jaw on the floor. I, on the other hand, immediately burst into a fit of cackles and had to rewind/ rewatch like eight times. And then I recorded it. To share with all of you. Because that's what good friends do.




To those I'm friends with IRL or in my Facebook group: Apologies for the repost. These things were just too good to not share.

And speaking of too good to not share...


Happy Friday.

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BlogHer.

Here's a little video I just whipped up. It's about BlogHer.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

(Since I can't preview the video before posting, I'm not sure if it's going to be all glitchy and possessed looking. If so, I'm blaming it on Blogger.)

Also- Are you going to BlogHer???



For more BlogHer intro videos, visit the blogs below.

Musings of a Madwoman

The Sweetest

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Lots of Things That Have Nothing to Do With Each Other.

Once again, I've fallen behind on my blogging and now my head is full of mental sticky notes of things I wanted to blog about.

Welcome to all the Weedies visiting from Joshweed.com. If you've never been to his page, Josh's latest entry is about his recent run-in with a colonoscopy, which was not too dissimilar to my own experience. Josh was kind enough to send you new visitors to my page so we could all become acquainted with each other in a totally-acceptable-on-the-internet way, by talking about our buttholes. Nice to meet you. (BTW Josh, I'm glad your results came back negative. It would have been a real bummer if you'd discovered you have endometriosis too.)

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Things that bother me: Loud ass music blaring from cars. It doesn't matter whether it's rap, country, metal mania, or big-top-circus-style tejano. I don't want to hear your shitty music. I want to hear MY shitty music.

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Boyfriend, Pearl and I recently stayed with Boyfriend's sister for the weekend. She and her husband threw together this hearty and delicious breakfast that I'm pretty sure I had thirds and fourths of. If you're anything like me (lucky you), you like to strap on the old feedbag the morning after you've been out on a bender. And if so, this is just the meal to do it with.

Vicki's Hangover Scramble (I took the liberty of naming it myself.)

Ingredients:
-Eggs
-Cheese
-Bacon
-Frozen hash browns potatoes
-Bell Peppers
-Onion

Directions:
Cut bacon into bite sized pieces and cook. In a separate skillet, brown potatoes. Add julienne peppers and dice onions. If you want to save yourself some time, just use the Ore-Ida hash browns that come with potatoes and onion already mixed in. So basically, this is where things get dicey. I'm not sure if Vicki scrambled her eggs in a third skillet or just mixed them straight into the potatoes. I'm going to say just add them to the potatoes. And throw the bacon on top. And also, feel free to add any leftover meat from dinner the night before (she added kielbasa). Heat until cooked. Then eat the shit out of it.


Boner'ppetite.

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Remember my last entry- the one on the royal wedding? Well, it looks like I did such a fab job on my wedding fashion recap that people from all over the world started visiting my page. That's right, I'm big time now. I got a whopping 316 pageviews for that one entry (of which I'm still getting as we speak), 193 of those being unique views. And as if that weren't enough, the average time spent on that post was 2:14. That means people were actually REEEEADING and looking at shit on my page. I know to most of you all that shit above makes no sense. But to a techie blognerd like me, it means a lot. Ahhh, I'm so proud of myself. Nevermind that I didn't get any new followers or even one comment from a new visitor. I'll save that rant for another day.

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I posted this morning at Sprocket Ink. You can check it out HEEERE. Usually my Sprocket Ink posts are more about current events and less about my life and shit. However, today's post DOES have something to do with food... Two birds, one stone.

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Also, if you haven't joined my Facebook group yet, what are you waiting for?? I'll even make it easy for you- JUST.CLICK.HERE. Thanks! Seriously.

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I'm Working on It.

Check out my entry for today at Sprocket Ink. I know, it's a little bit of a cop out since it's not really a legit "Things I Like to Eat" entry, but so what. I was super busy this weekend with Friday being my birthday and all.


ApRiL FoOlS!!!!


No, really. Friday really was my birthday.


So in the meantime, check out Sprocket Ink. And I'll most likely have a birthday recap up by tomorrow morning.


TILTE, out!

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Sprocket Ink - You Can Find Me Here.

Something great has taken place here, friends. And I'm not just talking about the return of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish (aka "Catholic Friday"). A blogger by the name of Jerrod (from The Yellow Factor) started up a new blogging site called Sprocket Ink and asked me to one be of the contibuting editors. When I first got the invite I was totally not surprised at all and patted myself on the back for climbing my way up the blogging ladder. But my self-admiration was quickly replaced by flattery and excitement over the idea that someone else (who's actually not a family member) thinks my writing is noteworthy.

So, starting tomorrow I will be featured HERE every Tuesday at 11am PST (I use "at" loosely) and Thursday at 8am. (Heads up- tomorrow's entry is titled "Looking to Start a New Career? Let's Talk.") Please take a few minutes to check out all the great bloggers involved in this project- their bios can be found here. And feel free (please.please.please.) to add Sprocket Ink to your regular blog visits.


Since there was cause to celebrate tonight (Ahem- see above), Boyfriend and I blessed the night with alcoholic beverages and video games. -Whiskey Sours and Super Mario, to be exact. Since I'm sure most of my readers enjoy Mario and drinking as much as I do, I'm going to share our recipe for Whiskey Sour and hope you rejoice as well. (Make them, they're good. I downed two in like eight minutes.) (Just kidding, Mom.) (No seriously.)


WHISKEY SOUR


Ingredients:
2 oz. bourbon
1 oz lime juice
1 oz. lemon juice
1 tbsp sugar
Orange slice
Maraschino cherry


Directions:
In a rocks glass combine bourbon, lime juice, lemon juice, and sugar. Stir until dissolved. Add ice cubes. Garnish with orange and cherry.


Happy drinking, and don't forget to check out Sprocket Ink!

Recipe courtesy of last month's Anyone Can Cook magazine.

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Famous People Like Me.

Believe me when I tell you the most unbelievable thing happened Saturday night. -Which was quickly followed by the next most unbelievable thing.

I received a friend request on Facebook from a CELEB! -And by celeb, I really mean pseudo celeb. But he gets paid to be on TV, so that's all that matters to me.

Some background info: I MAY be a little obsessed with Current TV. (I use the word "obsessed" loosely. This is actually nothing like my obsession with Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.) The person who friend requested me happens to be one of the main Current TV personalities: Ben Hoffman. So when I saw his picture pop up as wanting to be friends with me, I nearly diarrhea'd all over my computer. I mean, if we're going to be honest here, I wasn't really THAT surprised that he wanted to be friends with me seeing as how worldly and clever I am. So naturally, I accepted.

I immediately clicked on his wall to see if this was the real deal Holyfield. And it was. It was not a fan page or a group page or any of that shit. Ben Hoffman and I were about to be fucking besties.

I imagined all the comically genius insults that were about to go flying. I would make fun of his hat. He would make fun of my mustache. It would be great. So I started the new-friend banter by going to his wall, where it says "Ben Hoffman and TILTE are now friends" and adding the comment "La-la-la-LIKE!" I then patted myself on the back because if there's anything that's funny, it's liking your own comment.



Well friends, this is where things got ugly.

Not five minutes later, WE.WERE.NO.LONGER.FRIENDS.

I know. I'm just as shocked as you.

I thought it MUST be a computer glitch- The Hoffster and I were like THIS. I refreshed my page 500 times and each time, we were STILL no longer friends. I was a little bit in shock and awe over the whole episode, but actually managed to shrug it off because he's a TV personality and that's one of the perks of being famous: "Let's be friends!" :::lurk lurk lurk::: UNFRIEND.

But then this morning, it all came back to me and I realized Ben Hoffman and I should totally be friends. So I sent him the following message:

"My name's TILTE and we were friends once, remember? I know we had our ups and downs, but I say let bygones be bygones and let's start this party train over again, shall we?

We can totally forget about that time I commented
"La-la-la-LIKE" on our friendship status. That was sofa king lame.

Your
friend,
TILTE"

If this doesn't win him over, I don't know what will. (Ben- if you're reading this, we're still cool, right...?)

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Special Thoughts with TILTE...

Let's get nostalgic for a sec...

When I was thirteen, I had saved up like a shitton worth of birthday/ Christmas money ($100!!!) and was able to buy myself- get ready for it- A BOOMBOX (cue the angels singing). I remember my mom driving me to the electronics store and inspecting all my options, weighing the pros and cons for each of those magical beasts that not only let me record all my fav songs from the radio, but also play CDDDDD's. I know, you're probably thinking "TILTE, were you born in the stone age or what?" No, I was not born in the stone age. We had a "house" stereo, but after going through 4 kids, that thing was totally beat. I'm talking, just barely breathe on the volume lever and it would go SCREEEECHING up or down in volume. Anyway. I got my own boombox and i loooooved it. My first cd was Stone Temple Pilot's Core and I remember sitting next to my bed, not doing anything other than listening to the cd over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You get the idea.

Not sure where I was going with that... just wanted to share.

Have you ever noticed you can always hear songs you liked in high school and still like them? See where I'm going with this...? Here's my list of songs that will ALWAYS remind me of high school (in no particular order)...

Hole - Miss World (Poor Court... She was so young and not on [as many] drugs.)

Liz Phair - Supernova

Foo Fighters - I'll Stick Around

Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock (Have you tried playing drums to this song on Rock Band? This is some tough shit, seriously.)

Soundgarden - The Day I Tried to Live

Silverchair - Tomorrow (Man, I thought Daniel Johns was hot like nobody's business...)

Space - Female of the Species (I specifically remember being at a Baskin-Robbins and singing this song.)

Ice Cube - Check Yo Self (Hands down, this song always get my shoulders pumpin.)

Big Pun - Still Not a Player (I'm only marginally embarassed by this one.)

The Breeders - Cannonball

Folk Implosion - Natural One

Eels - Novacain for the Soul

Spacehog - In the Meantime

Butthole Surfers - Pepper (I specifically remember being at a Spudnuts and singing this song.)

God Lives Under Water - From Your Mouth

Which songs always remind you of high school? Let's share!


In more essiting news...

I came across two websites designed for people just as narcissistic as you and me (okay, more me). They're called MorphThing and In20Years. (EDIT: I totes forgot to give thanks and praise to Brooke and Andie for sharing these blessed sites with me.) Examples below:

(Okay, so I can't actually save my "In 20 Years" pic, so you'll have to click on this link.) (Also, I'd like to add, this is me in THIRTY years, not twenty. And it's also after I've become a drug addict. And a zombie.)

And for the morphing finale... this is what you get when you cross TILTE...

And Charlize Theron as famed female serial killer, Aileen Wuornos...

Aaaaaaaaand TA-DA!

You can thank me for that later. (Thanks to Ali Z. for inspiring me to post this pic of my alter ego, TILTE Wuornos.)

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