Easy Pasta.

This recipe started out as a total fluke one night when groceries were slim and Boyfriend and I were being "resourceful". It turned out to be one of my favorite quick meals.

EASY PASTA

Ingredients:
-egg noodles
-butter
-red sauce
-bell pepper, diced
-mozzarella cheese
-salami, chopped to bite sized pieces
-truffle oil (optional)

Forgot to include the damn bell pepper.

Directions:
Cook pasta in salted water according to package. Once cooked, mix with a little butter and truffle oil (this helps it not stick AND the truffle oil adds a nice flavor). Add diced bell peppers, salami, red sauce and mozzarella in any amount that you like. I go easy on the sauce and heavy on everything else. Throw it in the microwave until cheese melts.

I know it looks pretty questionable here, but it's actually really good. And it's really easy to make because, if you're like me, you always have these items on hand.

Boner'ppetite.

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Very Important Question.

Last night, Boyfriend and I went buck wild on some Popeyes chicken. Which reminded me of a convo I had with some family members about a month ago.

My mom suggested we get Popeyes chicken on our way over to my Grandma's house. Well, you would have thought she'd just committed a mortal sin/ burned the flag/ turned down tickets to The Ellen Show with the way my relatives reacted.

Apparently I was in Kentucky Fried Chicken territory. And the mere mention of Popeyes sent everyone into a shit-talking frenzy.




In my opinion, Popeyes wins. Every time. Hands down.

The chicken is crispier and lighter and not dripping with oil. The biscuits taste like they're coated with butter (flavoring). They serve sweet tea which makes me feel like I'm about to sunbathe.



So, friends. I'm asking you...

WHICH DO YOU PREFER: KFC OR POPEYES?


Disclaimer: I'm well aware that I'm comparing two basically identical, fast food corporations that offer a shitload of deep-fried calories and instantly clog every artery in your body. And I know many of you are going to shit your pants at the thought of ever putting that kind of (crispy, delicious) poison into the temple that is your body. Blah blah blah. Whatever. I eat shitty food. We've already established that.

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Sundays with TILTE.

Yesterday morning, we decided to mess around with some face paint.

Boyfriend donated his artistic abilities, while Pearl and I donated our facial abilities.

I now present to you: A Sunday Morning at TILTE's House.






Hope you enjoyed!

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Bitchin' Kitchen.

Have you guys heard of this show called Bitchin' Kitchen?

It's on The Cooking Channel.

For a while, I flat out refused to watch Bitchin' Kitchen because the host, Nadia G. seemed fucking ridiculous. And I watch a lot of ridiculous shit, so that says a lot if even I refuse to watch it.


And then one day I made the mistake of lingering too long on an episode (in the hopes of spitting hate all over it). And the fucking obvious happened.

I fell in love with it.

The premise of the show is an Italian-American (by way of Canada) bombshell who has a Brooklyn/ Jersey/ Unidentifiable accent makes good food and cracks jokes along the way. She also has regular guests on the show who add helpful tidbits and sometimes pointless drivel, but at least they're semi-good-looking.

So, have you guys seen this show? What do you think?? Am I crazy for loving it?

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Salmon and Orzo.

Tonight Boyfriend and I made what I would consider a "fancy dinner". It didn't involve cheese sauces or butter, which is pretty strange, I know.

I've had this salmon recipe since I was in my early 20's. I'm sure I saw it online, but who knows how I found it.

The recipe for orzo was something I tried at Trader Joe's. It was one of those samples you get and hope they're not looking when you stop in for round #2 and #3 because you're starving and it was so fucking good and if you could just get ONE MORE TASTE you'd be able to decide if you want to try it at home.

EASY BAKED SALMON

Ingredients:
-2 cloves of garlic, minced
-6 tbsp olive oil
-1 tsp dried basil
-1 tsp salt
-1 tsp ground black pepper
-1 tbsp lemon juice
-1 tbsp parsley
-2 filets salmon

Directions:
Prepare marinade by mixing garlic, olive oil, basil, salt, pepper, lemon juice and parsley.



Place filets in marinade and refrigerate about 1 hr, turning occasionally.



Preheat oven to 375. Place filets in aluminum foil, cover with marinade, and seal.



Place sealed salmon in glass dish. Bake 35-45 min.



NOTE:
-I got my salmon filets straight from the fish market. Both cuts came to a total of just under 1lb and it was juuuuust over the right amount for two people.

-I used fresh parsley and fresh lemon juice (I'm sure you can use dried parsley and the lemon juice that comes in that plastic fake-ass lemon, but it's probably more flavorful if you use fresh.)
-I cooked the filets for 40 min and then let them sit in their tin foils for another 5 min before serving. They came out moist and flakey. Fucking perfect.

TRADER JOES ORZO SALAD

Ingredients:
-Orzo
-Cherry tomatoes
-Greek Style Feta dressing
-Feta cheese
-Artichoke hearts (frozen)



Directions:
Cook orzo according to package. Cook artichokes according to package.



Slice tomatoes in half.



Combine cooked orzo, artichokes, salad dressing, tomatoes, and feta. Serve room temperature or cold.



NOTE:
-Since this was a Trader Joe's sample, there's no accurate measurement for the ingredients. Just add enough stuff to make it taste good.
-I made the mistake of not cutting the artichokes into bite-sized pieces and they were kind of a mouthful. Next time, I would cut them post-cooking, pre-eating.
-In my opinion, it needs a generous portion of dressing and feta. That's where most of the flavor comes from. So if you're not big on cheese that smells like feet, this recipe probably isn't for you.
-This recipe seems perfect for big groups and potluck type events.

I know I made a big, giant, cooking faux-pas by serving these two items together because the orzo has feta in it and everyone knows that fish + cheese = barf. Whatever, I did it anyway. Next time I'll probably split these two lovers apart and serve them with other items.

This post goes out to my vegetarian readers since I pretty much never make anything non-meaty. (Fish counts as vegetarian, right? It does today.)

Try these recipes out and let me know what you think!

Boner'ppetite.

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In Case You Need a Laugh.

Yesterday I came across two things that made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a while.

The first one is a website I found on StumbleUpon. The page in question involves a guy who steals his friend's photos from Facebook, slightly alters them, and then places them back online on his own account. This page seriously had me laughing out loud, by myself, in my office. And then again on my drive home. And then again when I got home.

OLI AND ALEX - JAMES' FACE


The second is a clip from that horrifying, redneck, disaster of a show, Toddlers and Tiaras. When we first watched this scene, Boyfriend was silent, jaw on the floor. I, on the other hand, immediately burst into a fit of cackles and had to rewind/ rewatch like eight times. And then I recorded it. To share with all of you. Because that's what good friends do.




To those I'm friends with IRL or in my Facebook group: Apologies for the repost. These things were just too good to not share.

And speaking of too good to not share...


Happy Friday.

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The One Where I Complain About Being Old.

Before you flip the fuck out and slap me across the face for pretending like I'm old, allow me to explain myself.

I've never thought as the "30's" as old. Never. And when it comes to fashion and humor and maturity (see: Immaturity) level, I definitely think I'm far from being old.

But lately, my shit's been saying otherwise. And by my shit, I mean my body. Not my actual shit.


When I turned 30, my friend Melody said something along the lines of "Good luck. Your body totally changes like the second you turn 30. It happened to me." I thought she was bluffing her balls off and I didn't bat an eyelash at it. And here I am, 31, and now I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

-At 30, my mystery stomach problems kicked into high gear leaving me in such severe pain that I ended up in the ER. A year later, it was diagnosed as endometriosis. It was such a relief to finally get a fucking answer about what my problem was... but that feeling of relief was quickly followed by the realization that I might not be able to have kids. And that pretty much sucked.

My future.

-I started getting melasma spots on my face that now make me look like I have a permanent Hitler stache. And if you don't know what melasma spots are, they're those unfortunate looking dark spots that some women get on their face that make them look like they've been playing in dirt ditches and shit. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be winning America's Next Top Model this season.

My future.

-My metabolism slowed waaaaay the fuck down and I'm getting rounder by the second. I know what you're saying- "TILTE, maybe it's because you eat all kinds of fatty shit and you're the laziest person I know." Well, to that I say "I KNOW. QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE ALREADY." The thing that gets me about gaining weight is that I've always eaten like this and I've never had a problem staying thin. But now, it's like all the cranks and shafts and pulleys and levers inside my body have rusted over and come to a complete deep-fried halt. Even just getting dressed in the morning makes me FUCKING IRATE because it's like WWIII trying to break into a pair of freshly laundered jeans. And when I'm sitting at my desk and lean over to get something, my belly rolls are fighting their way to make it past each other. And as much as I hate to admit this, I've even worn loose fitting yoga type pants OUTSIDE of the house. -Which is fine for some people. But I'm just not one of those people. And to make matters worse, almost all of my friends have kids and they're still in just as great shape as always. And don't even get me started on the ones who've had kids and look BETTER.THAN.EVER. (I'm talking to you, Rachel C.) I'm not even pregnant and I'm already letting myself go. :::suicide:::

My future.

-My back always hurts. I've turned into one of those crazy old bats who always carries around a heating pack and downs Motrin like it's heroin-laced Skittles. I know my endometriosis plays a big part in my chronic back pains. It's tiresome and frustrating to know I get achy just after a normal day of sitting/ standing. Again, I know what you're going to say- "TILTE, if you just do some exercises and stretches it won't be so bad" to which I say "I KNOW. QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ASSHOLE." And I know you're totally right. But I have zero motivation to do something unless someone else is there telling me to do it. -And doing it with me. -And then taking me out to froyo afterwards to celebrate.

My future.

-I'm going gray. But I'm not like one of those freekazoids who actually lets their hair grow out gray. I dye those sonavabitches every few weeks. Because if I didn't, I would literally develop trichotillomania and pluck myself bald. Gray hairs are disgusting assholes and I hate them.

My future.

-The other night I had an Old Fashioned and a Peach Iced Tea Martini... and the next morning I woke up with a hangover. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?!? When I lived in London, I used to get TANKED on Vodka/ Redbulls. Sure I'd wake up with a hangover, but that would be after like 6 drinks. -You know, when it was totally warranted. Now, I have to match my cocktail/ water ratio, pig the fuck out to soak it up, and take an Ibuprofin before I go to bed just to make sure I can function the next day. Ugh. It's embarrassing, really.

My future.

-My friend Dar (who's a dentist) once told me that a person's saliva changes as they get older. Mostly starting when they turn 30. Apparently, your spit gets thicker, you get more dry-mouth and consequently, you get more build-up. When he told me that, I thought he was full of shit. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure he was right. And you know how I know? Because my teeth feel fuzzy by the end of the day. And I'm blaming that shit on my old-person spit and it's lack of cleaning abilities.

My future.

-I hear motorcycles or cars with loud exhausts rev their engines as they drive down the street and I literally want to shit in my hand and throw it out my window at them.

My future.

I hope I didn't bum any of you about-to-be-30'ers out, but it's about time we face the facts here. Getting old sucks.

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