The One Where I Complain About Being Old.

Before you flip the fuck out and slap me across the face for pretending like I'm old, allow me to explain myself.

I've never thought as the "30's" as old. Never. And when it comes to fashion and humor and maturity (see: Immaturity) level, I definitely think I'm far from being old.

But lately, my shit's been saying otherwise. And by my shit, I mean my body. Not my actual shit.

When I turned 30, my friend Melody said something along the lines of "Good luck. Your body totally changes like the second you turn 30. It happened to me." I thought she was bluffing her balls off and I didn't bat an eyelash at it. And here I am, 31, and now I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

-At 30, my mystery stomach problems kicked into high gear leaving me in such severe pain that I ended up in the ER. A year later, it was diagnosed as endometriosis. It was such a relief to finally get a fucking answer about what my problem was... but that feeling of relief was quickly followed by the realization that I might not be able to have kids. And that pretty much sucked.

My future.

-I started getting melasma spots on my face that now make me look like I have a permanent Hitler stache. And if you don't know what melasma spots are, they're those unfortunate looking dark spots that some women get on their face that make them look like they've been playing in dirt ditches and shit. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be winning America's Next Top Model this season.

My future.

-My metabolism slowed waaaaay the fuck down and I'm getting rounder by the second. I know what you're saying- "TILTE, maybe it's because you eat all kinds of fatty shit and you're the laziest person I know." Well, to that I say "I KNOW. QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE ALREADY." The thing that gets me about gaining weight is that I've always eaten like this and I've never had a problem staying thin. But now, it's like all the cranks and shafts and pulleys and levers inside my body have rusted over and come to a complete deep-fried halt. Even just getting dressed in the morning makes me FUCKING IRATE because it's like WWIII trying to break into a pair of freshly laundered jeans. And when I'm sitting at my desk and lean over to get something, my belly rolls are fighting their way to make it past each other. And as much as I hate to admit this, I've even worn loose fitting yoga type pants OUTSIDE of the house. -Which is fine for some people. But I'm just not one of those people. And to make matters worse, almost all of my friends have kids and they're still in just as great shape as always. And don't even get me started on the ones who've had kids and look BETTER.THAN.EVER. (I'm talking to you, Rachel C.) I'm not even pregnant and I'm already letting myself go. :::suicide:::

My future.

-My back always hurts. I've turned into one of those crazy old bats who always carries around a heating pack and downs Motrin like it's heroin-laced Skittles. I know my endometriosis plays a big part in my chronic back pains. It's tiresome and frustrating to know I get achy just after a normal day of sitting/ standing. Again, I know what you're going to say- "TILTE, if you just do some exercises and stretches it won't be so bad" to which I say "I KNOW. QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ASSHOLE." And I know you're totally right. But I have zero motivation to do something unless someone else is there telling me to do it. -And doing it with me. -And then taking me out to froyo afterwards to celebrate.

My future.

-I'm going gray. But I'm not like one of those freekazoids who actually lets their hair grow out gray. I dye those sonavabitches every few weeks. Because if I didn't, I would literally develop trichotillomania and pluck myself bald. Gray hairs are disgusting assholes and I hate them.
My future.

-The other night I had an Old Fashioned and a Peach Iced Tea Martini... and the next morning I woke up with a hangover. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?!? When I lived in London, I used to get TANKED on Vodka/ Redbulls. Sure I'd wake up with a hangover, but that would be after like 6 drinks. -You know, when it was totally warranted. Now, I have to match my cocktail/ water ratio, pig the fuck out to soak it up, and take an Ibuprofin before I go to bed just to make sure I can function the next day. Ugh. It's embarrassing, really.

My future.

-My friend Dar (who's a dentist) once told me that a person's saliva changes as they get older. Mostly starting when they turn 30. Apparently, your spit gets thicker, you get more dry-mouth and consequently, you get more build-up. When he told me that, I thought he was full of shit. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure he was right. And you know how I know? Because my teeth feel fuzzy by the end of the day. And I'm blaming that shit on my old-person spit and it's lack of cleaning abilities.

My future.

-I hear motorcycles or cars with loud exhausts rev their engines as they drive down the street and I literally want to shit in my hand and throw it out my window at them.

My future.

I hope I didn't bum any of you about-to-be-30'ers out, but it's about time we face the facts here. Getting old sucks.


Sarah Lindahl said...

Getting old TOTALLY sucks. Wait till you hit 40. One word ~ bifocals.

Agora tô pronta said...

Hi, I really enjoyed your blog ...
What do you think of following one another?
Van Kisses ♥

Tanya said...

I think being >30 would be awesome if there really were such a thing as heroin skittles.

Ally said...

Dude, I hate being old. I've had nothing but problems since I turned 30 as well. Harder to lose weight, had my GB removed, just found out I have to live on thyroid meds forever, somehow I now eczema on my toes and fingers. Life sucks when you're over 30.

Nikosmommy said...

Ok so maybe your prognosis for the future is a bit extreme, but I have to agree that the aging process does blow goats. The grey hair, low alcohol tolerance and weight gain is all part of the process. Join the fabulous-thirty club missy!

MRanthrope said...

I've got 4 more years....thats when I'll turn fat and bald as my grandmother gleefully reminds me =/

Danger Boy said...

Yep. The body changes have been a pain, indeed. I'm right with you on the loud vehicles, though...would love a focused EMP device to shut them down.
Also, where do we sign up for the heroin-laced skittles?

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

My favorite part of this post are the accompanying pictures. Someone needs to Photoshop all those people together to make the "real" you.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

F**K YES! And you find yourself saying things your mom used to say like, "What is he WEARING?" when passing a teenage boy.

I do the noise thing too. Any noise at night will make me livid if I'm trying to sleep. Because it's now ALL ABOUT ME AND MY SLEEP.

And I'm spending next weekend painting out a "get off of my lawn" sign for the yard outside my apartment. While peeing every five seconds.

Also I never had belly fat around my rib cage but lately I feel like I could probably use it as a life floatation device if the situation merited it. UGH!

Kim said...

I don't know that 30 is the tipping point persay because at 25, I already require a walker to move to and fro about the world. It may be a side effect of my desk job, but sometimes I have to roll myself out of my work chair and contort into a pretzal just to move. It's fucken hot.

Megs said...

Dude. I'm 29, and some of this has already started, which makes me think that it is only going to get worse and go ahead and shoot me now.

Simone Says... said...

wait until you hit 40. that's when the real fun starts!

how about ridges in your fucking finger nails? creepy-ass papery thin nails that curl over like a decrepit old sea hag.

also, i just unbuttoned my jeans. and i haven't even eaten yet.

Simone Says... said...

also... i have melasma too. and i've spent thousands - not even joking - of dollars trying to fix it. to no avail.

looks like someone splashed coffee all over my face.

Chrystal said...

You are friggin hilarious! I laughed so hard...for 2 reasons: one because it's funny and second is because it's true! Fuzzy teeth = amazing & thank you for the pics to drive the point home!

Queen Scarlett said...

Dude. This post just made me adore you even more. Also, I'll be sending you a bill for the busted gut laughing...because that's what happens when you're in your 30s.

You reminded me of the episode of FRIENDS where Rachel turns 30 and Joey tells God they have deal.

Sara said...

OMG, this just might be the greatest post of all time. I'm dying! This post makes me love you SO fucking much! :) Welcome to the dark side of the moon.

Serial Monogamist said...

I'm totally there with you. I was diagnosed with ARTHRITIS in my late 20s. I have lady problems that made my gyno say "well ... you probably won't have problems having kids. Let's just cross that bridge when we come to it, eh?" I keep getting fatter every DAY despite eating healthier than I have in ages, and booze has become my enemy. My dear, sweet, darling, booze!

However, you should follow up with the things that are awesome about being in your 30s. Confidence, the realization that you don't know everything and the ability to laugh at girls in their early 20s who are total frigging knowitalls, etc.

Deborah said...

You are KILLING me with this one.

I won't even say what is springing to mind.

Okay . . . yes I will . . . JUST WAIT UNTIL 50s!


You are in the fun years now. And I have to tell you that your 40s will be even more awesome. My fav so far I have to say.

I'm thinking that the 60s are going to rock.

That is all. Out. Hee!

P.J. said...

"-I hear motorcycles or cars with loud exhausts rev their engines as they drive down the street and I literally want to shit in my hand and throw it out my window at them."

When I read this, I had tears streaming down my face. So true. Get to 30 and want to smoke these people. I hear college kids going down the street now with loud bass and I want to throw my walker at them! Oh wait... the walker isn't with me yet. Eventually. Maybe at 40?

A 'lil HooHaa

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