Food Review: Odwalla Super Protein

I think this pretty much covers it.

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Make a Hot Dog, Dummy.

Are you starving?

Yes!

Want something easy and fast because if it takes longer than 5 minutes to make you'll probably roid rage out and flip a table over?

Yes!!

Want to avoid going to the store because you have Charlie Manson hair and you're still in your pajamas even though it's 2:48pm, and also because Judge Judy is about to start in 12 minutes?

YeSsSsSs!!!

Well. Make a hot dog, dummy.

INGREDIENTS

-weenie

-bun

-Heinz baked beans

-cheddar cheese

DIRECTIONS

Heat weenie. Heat beans. Put it all together.

Boner'ppetite.

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Get Mom to the Greek. OR... Weekend Recap.

You know those awful blog entries that are total cop-outs because they're just a shitload of pictures and nothing of real value? Yeah. This is going to be one of those.

GREEK FESTIVAL

Pile of gyro.

The kids doing arts and crafts.

Me, mom, and sister.


This is my friend, Aris. He has strong teeth.

I had to include this video is of my nephew, Hogan. It was taken there at the Greek festival. It still made me laugh this morning.

TALL SHIPS

We went to see the Tall Ships on Sunday. But these aren't them. These are just regular boats.

Coasty, the talking animated boat.

Apparently, I was the only one making an "Arrggghh!" face. Losers.

The "Surgery". You can tell by the amount of blood on the doctor's apron that he knows what he's doing. Pay no attention to the stash of arms and legs under the table.

Civil War kids playing cards.


Isn't this a great pic??!? It totally goes with my screenname, You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun.

Anyshoot.

This is a "Ladies" gun. I need it for when I get in a hairy situation. Like when the line at the grocery store is too long and they refuse to call another cashier.

What did you do this weekend? More importantly, were you wishing you had a ladies gun?

In other nonsense, check out my entry at Sprocket Ink if you follow The Next Food Network Star.

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Greek Festival.

If you live in the southern California area, you should head up to Camarillo for the Greek Festival this weekend. It's small, but the dancing is fun, the people are friendly, and the food is frighteningly good. And if you need some help deciding what to eat, well that's where I come in.

GYRO: Gyro is actually the name of the meat that is typically served in this pita delight. From what I know, it's a combination of lamb and beef that's been slowly cooked on a rotating spit for a long ass time. As it cooks, the outer layers are sliced off. Add some tomato, lettuce, onion, and tzatziki sauce, and you've got a fucking Greek treasure.

SAGANAKI: Saganaki is basically a flaming cheese. When you order it at a restaurant, the waiter will dazzle your balls off by dousing it with some unknown alcohol and lighting it on fire. Americans love this kind of stuff. When you order it at the Greek festival, it probably won't be on fire because they will be serving it up en masse. But I can guarantee it's still going to taste like the bomb shizzle. If you're a greasy-cheese connoisseur like me, this is right up your alley.

TZATZIKI SAUCE: Greeks use tzatziki sauce like Americans use ketchup. This shit goes with everything. The recipe usually consists of Greek yogurt (there's a difference, trust me), lemon, garlic, cucumber, olive oil, and dill, but it can probably vary depending on who's making it. This sauce really does go with everything, so don't be afraid to dip any of your favorite Greek savories into it.

BAKLAVA: This is the sticky sweet dessert that everyone is familiar with. If you happen to be reading this and you're actually NOT one of my family members, then there's a chance you don't receive a box of this every Christmas and have no idea what it is. Baklava is a dessert made up of crispy phyllo dough, chopped nuts, cinnamon, and lots of syrup. If you're not into ooey, gooey sweets, this might not be the thing for you. But if you're anything like me (lucky you), you're going to want a few for the road.

GALATABOUREKO: This dessert is similar to baklava, only it has custard instead of nuts. It uses phyllo dough and has syrup, but it's not crispy. If you have issues eating softer foods like cooked peaches or cooked mushrooms, you might want to skip this one. But if you like custards, give this lesser known treat a shot.



KOURAMBIETHES: This is the safest route if you're not feeling very adventurous. They're basically airy shortbread cookies, covered in powdered sugar. If you're bringing the kids, these are a surefire crowd pleaser. Just make sure not to inhale as your biting. I've made that mistake more than once.

Lastly, no Greek party would be complete without a beer tent. See? There's something for everyone.

Admission is only $3. And if you go the festival link above, you can even print out free admission vouchers so you can visit my friend, Manolis.

So don't forget this weekend: Drop that zero and get with a gyro.

DISCLAIMER: If any of this information was incorrect, I apologize. It was based on my extensive knowledge of hostessing in a Greek restaurant and eating my way through the entire menu.

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Restaurant Review: Ktchn 105

A couple weekends ago, I met up with my friends Jimmy and Michael. These are the clowns I met while living abroad in London. They're both from the Southern California area and we usually meet up a few times a year to pig the fuck out.

Take note readers: These two are single and ready to mingle.

Anyway. Jimmy suggested a place that supposedly has the best brunch in LA, Ktchn 105.

This place is like one of those eye-magic-voodoo-stare-at-me-long-enough-and-you-see-an-image kind of places. It's on a small street that's almost more like an alley, in the middle of the Produce District, and has a gate where you need to be buzzed-in in order to enter the premises. There are no signs or blinking lights or golden arches. In fact, if you weren't specifically going to this restaurant, you wouldn't even know it existed.

View from the main gate.

We sat outside in the patio area. It was a nice day.

Apparently, Ktchn 105 has a rotating brunch menu that changes weekly. There are about eight entrees to choose from and they're all a bit on the fancy pants/ "organic" side. I went with the Harissa Scramble. Not knowing what harissa was, all the other ingredients sounded pretty inhaleable.

Harissa Scramble: Eggs, harissa, pumpkin seeds, and goat cheese. Topped with crispy shoestring onions and some green shit. Includes side of fried potatoes and a brioche bun with lemon butter and raspberry jam.

I was pleasantly surprised with my meal. The scramble was nice and soft, not overcooked. The goat cheese and pumpkin seeds turned out to be a DELICIOUS combination and are even making my mouth water as I type this. Potatoes always get a thumbs up in my book. Not to mention, when I first sat down I was feeling all weak and nauseous and fainty, so I wasn't really looking forward to trying something new and adventurous. As i started eating, I felt better in no time. Added bonus: Harissa Scramble has magic healing powers.

The check was presented with freshly made complimentary chocolate chip cookies. I actually don't like chocolate. But I managed to push through my distaste and ate my cookie in .2 seconds flat.

Meal + water + tip = $15

Word on the street is, the owner of Ktchn 105 actually lives at the restaurant. Apparently, this place was originally his loft-style apartment.

According to my sources, that wall of tubes serves as a separator between the main restaurant area and the space where the owner sleeps.

This whole story may be totally made up, and if so, you didn't hear it from me.

I give this restaurant 5 out of 5 chins.

In other nonsense...

Check out my latest post at Sprocket Ink where I recap the season finale of Game of Thrones.

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Mini Meatloaves, Mother Truckers.

The other night, I decided to try out a recipe for Individual Sicilian Meat Loaves. From my favorite mag, Anyone Can Cook, obviously. Here's what you need:

INGREDIENTS
1 egg, slightly beaten
1 3/4 cups garlic/ onion pasta sauce
1/4 cup seasoned fine dry bread crumbs
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground black pepper
12 oz of ground beef
2 oz mozzarella cheese or 2 sticks of mozzarella string cheese
4 thin slices prosciutto or cooked ham
9 oz cooked fettuccine



DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 400. In a medium bowl, combine egg, 1/4 cup pasta sauce, bread crumbs, salt, and pepper. Add ground beef to that mother.


Cut string cheese sticks in half, crosswise. Wrap a slice of prosciutto around each cheese log. Add 1/4 of the meat mixture around each meat stick to form a loaf. Place in a shallow pan and cook for approx 20 minutes.


Arrange meatloaves over fettuccine. Spoon sauce over top. Add Parmesan if you like it.



NOTES
-The pasta sauce I used was regular old Ragu Traditional.
-I used shredded mozzarella and basically used the sliced ham to make a burrito out of it. Then I stuck a bunch of pieces of the ground piece mixture around it.
-The pasta options we had were slim. I went with elbow macaroni. Next time, I'll try egg noodles.
-I may have used less ground beef than called for. I got three loaves out of it.
-I like Parmesan. I added a lot.
-The loaves were very tender and juicy. I'm not sure if that's because I may have under cooked them, but nobody got sick. So basically, I owned that recipe.

These fucking loaves were DELICIOUS and I've been whispering sweet nothings to a package of ground beef in the freezer ever since. The recipe was surprisingly easy to make and pretty much foolproof if I was able to make them on a whim and not fuck anything up.

If you like spaghetti bolognese, you'll like this. Because that's basically what this is.

Boner'ppetite.

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Reupholstering.

Originally, I found our set of seven dining room chairs on Craigslist. They were vintage, had avocado green seats, and were only $20. Aka, they were right up my alley. Well, when I showed up at the seller's house, it turns out there was a major typo and the price was actually $20 per chair. The guy thought I was trying to pull a fast one on him when I said the ad stated "Dining Room Chairs - $20" After going back to his computer, and realizing he should have never asked his teenage son to create the ad for him, he offered $40 for the set. And he even threw in a child's wicker rocking chair for free. SOLD.

So the chairs have been doing their job for the past few months. But in a really annoying and shitty way. The bottom piece of wood that holds the whole seat in place was basically disintegrating before our very eyes and every time someone sat down, the chair would drop major sawdust all over the floor. Plus, the seats were totally flattened out and any life in those cushions had been squashed many years ago. Boyfriend and I were over that shit and decided to reupholster those mofos.

BEFORE:

Tip for taking the fabric off to get the original wood template: DO IT OUTSIDE. That shit is messy. The years of wear and tear on those seats turned the padding into what looked like a shitload of crunched up Cheetos.

We took the wooden template to Home Depot and purchased new cuts of wood. Boyfriend then used a jigsaw to make the shape of the chair frame.

Then we went to Joann's Fabrics for the padding, batting, and fabric. Originally, we went with a burnt orange color upholstery fabric, but when I got it home I realized it sucked. Did you know you can EXCHANGE fabric? Crazy, I know. So, I went back to Joann's and chose a patterned print from the "Outside Canvas" section.

From start to finish, four chairs done in one day.

AFTER:


The print may not be your thing. But seriously, you can't argue with all that padding.

This is the video we watched as a tutorial.

It was really easy and ended up costing roughly $42 per chair (chair, wood, padding, batting, and fabric) for a a matching set of brand new dining room chairs.

Go buy some old chairs this weekend and try it. You'll love the end result or my name isn't Martha Stewart.

In other nonsense, check out my latest post at Sprocket Ink where I discuss cheating husbands who happened to be named Weiner.

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Mac N Cheese.

Has anyone purchased the Anyone Can Cook magazine yet??? I'm STILL enjoying meals from that one first magazine I bought and let me tell you, I have yet to be let down. For the most part, their recipes are pretty easy to follow. And more importantly, none of them require obscure-ass rare spices that I'd have to fly to Ho Chi Minh City to find.

My latest trial and error: Mac N Cheese.

Ingredients:
1 1/3 cups dried elbow macaroni
3/4 cup milk
2 tbsp butter
1/4 teaspoon ground white pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt
4 oz American cheese, cut into half inch cubes
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/4 cup shredded mozzarella cheese



Directions:
Preheat oven to 350. Cook pasta according to package. Drain and return to pan. Add milk, butter, pepper, and salt. Stir in all the cheeses till melty. Transfer to a greased 1 1/2 quart casserole. Bake uncovered for 15 minutes; stir gently. Bake for another 5 minutes or until it's heated through (don't overheat or mixture will curdle (barf.)). Let stand for 10 minutes.



NOTES:
-I used black pepper because I didn't want to spend money on white pepper and never use it again.
-I also used Kraft American singles because I didn't want to spend $6 on a block of American cheese when I already had slices at home. I used 7 slices and ripped them up into pieces before adding to the mixture.
-AND, I also topped my mac with some Italian bread crumbs before putting it in the oven. I like my mac crunchy. (It didn't get crunchy.) (But it was still good.)
-I served it up right away (instead of waiting 10 minutes). I liked it that way.

IMPORTANT: While I would still make this recipe again because it was easy and tasty, this is not a smooth, creamy, gooey Mac N Cheese. It's more like a lumpy, ricotta type, homestyle Mac N Cheese. It also reheats fine the next day.

Eat it with a hot dog.

Boner'Ppetite.

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Estate Sale.

This past weekend we went to an estate sale. For those of you who've never been, it's basically like walking through someone else's home after they've died and you're rifling through all their prized possessions. Let me rephrase that- it's not LIKE you're rifling through someone's shit after they've died, you ARE rifling through their shit after they died. It's creepy as hell, but sometimes you can get some great finds.

A RAAAAD vintage typewriter. In mint green, no less. I wanted this for decor alone, but their prices were too extravagant for my sad wallet.


A weekend bag. Also perfect for pet items when going on a trip.


A scaryass bathroom. With a sign like that, on a door like that, you better believe I'm NOT going to enter.


A vintage Kitchenaid mixer. In working condition with the original manual. ONLY $20. It was a fucking steal if you ask me, but I already have a Kitchenaid mixer, brand new, that I've never used. (That's right, I mix everything by hand. That's why all my food turns out like shit.)


A "Wedding Night" negligee that can evoke both tears of sadness and tears of the night terror kind. Note the holes throughout the lace. Garter included.


A cool little vanity with mirror. Worth noting: my childhood bedroom had almost the exact same wallpaper. Ours had a touch more lime green in it.


A 7-piece vanity/ dresser set for $80...? Not worth it, IMO.


The pièce de résistance: A giant organ. ("I'll show you a giant organ!") Apparently, the patriarch of the house built this with his own two hands. He was in the process of changing it over from analogue to electric (or something), when he passed away. Sadz.


Remember that giant organ? This wall is filled with 70-something speakers that were connected to it. The owner must have blown the lid off the neighborhood when he felt like getting jiggy with it. I bet his neighbors loved it.


I didn't end up buying anything there. I could have made several purchases based on want alone, but I didn't see anything I actually needed. Maybe next time, estate sale... maybe next time.

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Sprocket Ink.

Just a quick blurb-

This morning I did a fashion recap on the MTV Movie Awards over at Sprocket Ink. Check it out and feel free to Stumble/ Facebook/ Tweet that ish!

DO IT!

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Ladies Who Lunch.

Last week, my blogger-and-real-life friend Crying is the New Croquet decided to host a Ladies Who Lunch. And since we all know I like to eat, and in some parts of the world I might be considered a lady, I was all over it.

On the Menu:
Bruschetta
Black Bean and Corn Salad
Chef's Salad

For the Kids:
Dino-Bites
Pizza Roll-ups

I'm sure you'll be shocked to know I was too busy strapping on the old feedbag to get recipes for everything. But I did manage to get the deets on my two favs, the Corn and Bean Salad and the Pizza Roll-ups.

Black Bean and Corn Salad
1 can of black beans.
1.5 cups frozen sweet organic corn.
2 scallions chopped
2 cloves of garlic (crushed through a press)
1 tomato diced
Olive oil (about a tbsp or less if you want it lighter)
Lime juice
Salt

Rinse beans. Combine all ingredients. Let it sit and mingle for a few hours. (Can also be served wrap style with Bibb lettuce.) (I ate it with a shit ton of tortills chips.)

I couldn't stop eating all her beans and corns.

Worth Noting: Word on the street is, this is a Weight Watchers recipe. Which is shocking because it was fucking delicious and usually I only like stuff when it's one Weight Watcher's "EAT THIS AND DIE" list.

Pizza Roll-ups
Pillsbury pizza dough
Sauce
Cheese
Pepperoni
and any other toppings you might like

Flatten out pizza dough. Prepare with toppings as usual. Roll up into a log. Slice into generous 1 inch thick rounds. Fit rounds side by side in a round pie dish. Bake according to dough instructions or until tops brown.



Here are some other shots of the stuff I ate.

Every lunch should have Mimosas. Whether you're on the clock or not is irrelevant.

Bruschetta vs. TILTE. (Spoiler Alert: I won.)

A salad topped with potatoes, avocado, and chicken (among other things) is MY kind of salad.

More pizza roll-ups.

Bailey, the Wonder Weiner/ Butler. He sat on his butt like this the whole time we were at the table.

Boner'Ppetite.

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