Greek Festival.

If you live in the southern California area, you should head up to Camarillo for the Greek Festival this weekend. It's small, but the dancing is fun, the people are friendly, and the food is frighteningly good. And if you need some help deciding what to eat, well that's where I come in.

GYRO: Gyro is actually the name of the meat that is typically served in this pita delight. From what I know, it's a combination of lamb and beef that's been slowly cooked on a rotating spit for a long ass time. As it cooks, the outer layers are sliced off. Add some tomato, lettuce, onion, and tzatziki sauce, and you've got a fucking Greek treasure.

SAGANAKI: Saganaki is basically a flaming cheese. When you order it at a restaurant, the waiter will dazzle your balls off by dousing it with some unknown alcohol and lighting it on fire. Americans love this kind of stuff. When you order it at the Greek festival, it probably won't be on fire because they will be serving it up en masse. But I can guarantee it's still going to taste like the bomb shizzle. If you're a greasy-cheese connoisseur like me, this is right up your alley.

TZATZIKI SAUCE: Greeks use tzatziki sauce like Americans use ketchup. This shit goes with everything. The recipe usually consists of Greek yogurt (there's a difference, trust me), lemon, garlic, cucumber, olive oil, and dill, but it can probably vary depending on who's making it. This sauce really does go with everything, so don't be afraid to dip any of your favorite Greek savories into it.

BAKLAVA: This is the sticky sweet dessert that everyone is familiar with. If you happen to be reading this and you're actually NOT one of my family members, then there's a chance you don't receive a box of this every Christmas and have no idea what it is. Baklava is a dessert made up of crispy phyllo dough, chopped nuts, cinnamon, and lots of syrup. If you're not into ooey, gooey sweets, this might not be the thing for you. But if you're anything like me (lucky you), you're going to want a few for the road.

GALATABOUREKO: This dessert is similar to baklava, only it has custard instead of nuts. It uses phyllo dough and has syrup, but it's not crispy. If you have issues eating softer foods like cooked peaches or cooked mushrooms, you might want to skip this one. But if you like custards, give this lesser known treat a shot.



KOURAMBIETHES: This is the safest route if you're not feeling very adventurous. They're basically airy shortbread cookies, covered in powdered sugar. If you're bringing the kids, these are a surefire crowd pleaser. Just make sure not to inhale as your biting. I've made that mistake more than once.

Lastly, no Greek party would be complete without a beer tent. See? There's something for everyone.

Admission is only $3. And if you go the festival link above, you can even print out free admission vouchers so you can visit my friend, Manolis.

So don't forget this weekend: Drop that zero and get with a gyro.

DISCLAIMER: If any of this information was incorrect, I apologize. It was based on my extensive knowledge of hostessing in a Greek restaurant and eating my way through the entire menu.