A Year Ago Today.

A year ago today I was coming off of a three-day, bowel-cleansing bender. I was waking up early and making an exciting-slash-nervous drive into Santa Barbara. I was sitting in a waiting room with Eric, my mom, and sister. I was getting needles jabbed into my arms, pulling up dopey-looking grippy socks, and cracking jokes with people wearing scrubs. I was getting wheeled down long hallways and looking around at Dr. Frankenstein-looking medical equipment. I was trying to look alive as my mom and sister snapped drugged-out photos of me, laying on a stretcher, wearing a crown that read "Chili Peppers."

Today is ONE WHOLE YEAR since I had my big surgery.

You know, the one where I had my butt-guts pulled through my stomach and PART OF MY BOWEL WAS REMOVED.

It's hard for me to believe it's already been so long because I can still clearly remember my excitement at the thought of being "healthy." In fact, as crazy as it sounds, I STILL get excited when I think about my surgery! Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, it was such a positive experience for me. I loved- LOVED- my hospital stay. I still remember several of my nurses names and faces. Which makes me think, it's strange how brains holds tighter to some memories over others- for some reason, my brain tells me that I'm, like, best friends with these nurses. They were just so thoughtful and friendly, and I think because of the nature of the situation, their helpfulness was magnified that much more. (I guess getting catheterized multiple times or having post surgery tar-poops wiped from your butt by a team of complete strangers will do that to you.)

If you had asked me a year ago what my health would be like today, I think I would've probably had a different answer from how things actually turned out. I think both Eric and I were counting on my surgery to be the miracle drug for all of my ailments and that we would start churning out the kids in no time. Unfortunately, things don't always go according to plan. And while I could go on and on about how unfair life is, or how painful and torturous (and sometimes rude) people can be when endlessly bragging (or better yet, complaining) about their kids/ pregnancies, or what it's like to have to endure another Mother's Day as a non-mom, I'll save that rant for another day. I mean, everyone has something to complain about, right...?

I sent Thank You cards to all of my doctors, as well as the hospital staff yesterday. My doctors have selflessly gone beyond their obligatory scope of work and I'm SO grateful for all they've done for me. And while I'm sure they don't exactly sit around, feeling unappreciated, I sent the cards anyway because it's nice to be reminded.

Since my surgery- and recovery- I feel like I've gained my life back. I'll still never be 100% because an asshole named endometriosis ruined that forever, but I feel much healthier than I have in the past several years. Longer than I can remember.

Things are looking up, my friends.

Another perk, I never gained any of my pre-surgery weight back. Win-win. #HumbleBrag

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My Post-Thanksgiving Bod.

I gained four pounds between Thanksgiving and Sunday.

For all you non-mathletes out there, I reckon that's one pound per day.

Showcasing all my hard eating work is the laparoscopy aftermath strewn about my midriff. The combination of five tightly cinched scars on the overextended potbellyness of my new physique is something akin to high-quality, Baroque furniture.

For a nominal fee, I'm available to sit in your tea rooms/salons/ parlours and look fancy.

Basically me.

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Surprisingly, It Doesn't Take Long For Muscles to Forget Everything They Know About Working.

After my surgery, I took it easy on my "core". You know, I cut back on all those P90X workouts and spinning classes and whatever other cliche workout routines exist these days. With five cuts through my abdomen and a newly crotchet'd colon, I did NOT want to risk bursting any seams.

At my post-op appointment on August 10th, my doctor told me to keep taking things easy for at least another week. No workouts. No stretches. No lifting more than 10 pounds at a time. Plenty of resting.

So here I am, eleven days later and I figure it's safe to start putting my ripped core to good use. Nothing fancy. Just using my straight up 6-pack to launch myself out of bed/ off the couch, instead of rolling off the edge like an inchworm.

This is where the sadness happens.


What little stomach muscles I had before the surgery are fucking loooong gone.

Not only do I not have ANY working muscles in my abdomen, but everything is still sore. Which pretty much means I'm just going to remain in this comatose-type existence until I have to use my Medic-Alert or Jitterbug to call for help.


And adding insult to injury, my colon is a whole other set of lazy problems.

For the first three weeks after my surgery, I was on a low-fiber diet. For those of you who don't know, fiber is what makes you poop. If you're not eating it, you're not pooping. Which is exactly what my doctors wanted: plenty of "alone time" for the resection to heal. Only now, we're on week four since my surgery and my colon has not only been sliced and diced, but it's completely zoned the fuck out on what it's supposed to do. So I get the feeling like "Oh my God, Yes! I need to go poop!!" and I run to the toilet and nothing happens. Do you know how hard it is not being able to get your butt to work??

Because I had a resection, and the muscles and nerves were actually CUT through, it takes a while for things to start working like normal again. They need to be retrained. They need to learn how to "work things out." Unfortunately, I'm no ass trainer and it's getting pretty frustrating sitting on a toilet, feeling like I'm doing the work with no results. My stomach is holding up its end of the deal, and my butt is like "I like turtles."

I've given up on trying to look human.

Because of this backside laziness, I've had to bring out the big guns:
-Prunes
-Cherry tomatoes
-Apples
-Benefiber

I'm still chugging the Senokot/ Miralax like it's a $1 cocktail at Happy Hour. Which makes for a pretty eventful afternoon when I'm at the bank and all of a sudden I feel everything in my stomach drop straight to my butthole and then I have to Mario Andretti myself home before I poop all over my fucking car.


What's the lesson in all this? Muscles are dumb and forgetful. And also, you shouldn't leave the house when you're power-loaded on laxatives.

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Eating and Pooping: My Life After Surgery

I'm sure you've all been wondering how my bowels are doing since the surgery.

Lucky for you, I'm here with all the details. Well, except for the details from my rectal exam. That's a horror I don't care to relive.

I had my post-op appointments and things are looking good. Both of my surgeons said my incisions are healing well and my belly feels fine. The internal stuff seems to be on track as well. Yay!

My clothing has progressed from nightshirts to loose fitting pajama pants and loose fitting stretch pants. Or basically anything that's loose fitting. Unfortunate for me, my normal wardrobe usually consists of jeans that cook up my muffin top. The thought of wearing jeans right now makes my stitches cry. So if you see me around town and I'm wearing drawstring hobo pants, that's why. I'm also still wearing hospital underwear. Which is practically one step away from Mormon underwear.

Mormon underwear.

More great news- my diet was promoted!! For the first several weeks, I was on a low-fiber diet. It was basically no raw fruits/ vegetables, only cooked fruit/vegetables that are fork tender, nothing with skin or seeds, no whole grain products, no nuts, no beans, and no tough or thick cuts of meat. Essentially, I was on a "white-flour only" diet. I knew that ahead of time and going into this, I was like HALLELUJA ALL OF MY FAVORITE FOODS!!! But it's surprising how many foods have sneaky little "non-approved" items in them that you don't even think about on a normal basis.

Now I've been given the green light for going back to my normal diet. I'm excited to be able to eat pretty much whatever I want again. However, this "normal" diet seems to be causing some EXCRUCIATING indegestion pains. We're talking the churning gurgle that groans from the depths of the bowels and feels like someone is blowing up a balloon inside of you, but no matter how hard you try and wish and pray, no farts are exiting the premises. Because of these pains, which are totally normal, along with my newly built butthole, I have to take the following medications on a regular basis:

- 4 Ibuprofen every 6 hours, round the clock
- 2 to 4 Senekot-S per day
- Gas-X at least once a day, or as needed
- Miralax if it's been more than three days since a poop
- Norco for pain as needed


Let's talk more about poop!

So, before I had the surgery, I spent lots of time reading chat boards about bowel resection. I wanted to know what was common, what to expect, etc. Based on what one of my surgeons told me, it was a safe bet that I could count on lots of sharting in my near future. This is apparently because the colon has been cut through and, obviously, the nerves are basically shot for a good amount of time. What I found online only added to the weird factor: "several small stools throughout the day." To be exact, "10-20 small stools throughout the day."

When I read that, I was like "What the fuck...?" The likelihood for that happening to me was low since I barely pooped like 2-3 times a week. Well, with that said, we obviously know where this is going.

The "10-20 small stools throughout the day" thing is no joke. It happened to me. Every hour, on the hour, your butt is like "Hey! I'm really happy for you. I'ma let you finish. But first we're gonna make a lotta little baby poops."

In the two weeks since I came home, my days pretty much look like this:

Day 1-3: no poop
Day 4: 10-20 small turdlets
Day 5-6: no poop
Day 7: load up on laxatives because my guts are full of solid gold shit
Rinse and repeat


What else is about it?

I've had some pretty great visitors over the past week. I haven't driven since before the surgery since I'm still taking Norco, so without these visitors, and Boyfriend at work all day, I'm pretty much losing all social interaction skills. I'm sure by the time I go back to work, I'll be acting like Jodie Foster in Nell.

Some of my favorite gifts:

A "Get Well Soon" soup spoon (thanks, Melissa!)

Kitchen items for when I'm back to cooking (thanks, Christina!)

My favorite cupcake, from Susie Cakes (thanks, Dr. Busch!)

And of course, the chili pepper crown (thanks, Mom and Tanya!)

Since I got my first of two clearances to eat whatever I want, Boyfriend and I celebrated by going to a local favorite spot. I took it easy with an avocado taco and iced tea. After being on a limited diet, that taco was like dining with Julia Child.

I never thought I'd say this, but... It's good to be eating healthy food again!!!

At my second post-op appointment (I had two surgeons), my doctor gave me the following advice: Don't focus on your anus. Only, she's French, so it sounded a lot more like "Zon't focuz on yo anuz." Which I thought was super funny. She went on to explain that when you've been experiencing pain for so long, it's easy to focus on any feeling you have in that same area. That's what you shouldn't do. Discomfort is expected, as it will take six months to fully heal. But don't think about that, just focus on enjoying life. Which I thought was great advice.

And with that, I leave you with: Zon't focuz on yo anuz.


(To anyone with endometriosis, or anyone who may be thinking about undergoing surgery: If you have questions that you're not comfortable posting in the comments section, please feel free to email me! My email address is TILTE at live dot com.)

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