Surprisingly, It Doesn't Take Long For Muscles to Forget Everything They Know About Working.

After my surgery, I took it easy on my "core". You know, I cut back on all those P90X workouts and spinning classes and whatever other cliche workout routines exist these days. With five cuts through my abdomen and a newly crotchet'd colon, I did NOT want to risk bursting any seams.

At my post-op appointment on August 10th, my doctor told me to keep taking things easy for at least another week. No workouts. No stretches. No lifting more than 10 pounds at a time. Plenty of resting.

So here I am, eleven days later and I figure it's safe to start putting my ripped core to good use. Nothing fancy. Just using my straight up 6-pack to launch myself out of bed/ off the couch, instead of rolling off the edge like an inchworm.

This is where the sadness happens.

What little stomach muscles I had before the surgery are fucking loooong gone.

Not only do I not have ANY working muscles in my abdomen, but everything is still sore. Which pretty much means I'm just going to remain in this comatose-type existence until I have to use my Medic-Alert or Jitterbug to call for help.

And adding insult to injury, my colon is a whole other set of lazy problems.

For the first three weeks after my surgery, I was on a low-fiber diet. For those of you who don't know, fiber is what makes you poop. If you're not eating it, you're not pooping. Which is exactly what my doctors wanted: plenty of "alone time" for the resection to heal. Only now, we're on week four since my surgery and my colon has not only been sliced and diced, but it's completely zoned the fuck out on what it's supposed to do. So I get the feeling like "Oh my God, Yes! I need to go poop!!" and I run to the toilet and nothing happens. Do you know how hard it is not being able to get your butt to work??

Because I had a resection, and the muscles and nerves were actually CUT through, it takes a while for things to start working like normal again. They need to be retrained. They need to learn how to "work things out." Unfortunately, I'm no ass trainer and it's getting pretty frustrating sitting on a toilet, feeling like I'm doing the work with no results. My stomach is holding up its end of the deal, and my butt is like "I like turtles."

I've given up on trying to look human.

Because of this backside laziness, I've had to bring out the big guns:
-Cherry tomatoes

I'm still chugging the Senokot/ Miralax like it's a $1 cocktail at Happy Hour. Which makes for a pretty eventful afternoon when I'm at the bank and all of a sudden I feel everything in my stomach drop straight to my butthole and then I have to Mario Andretti myself home before I poop all over my fucking car.

What's the lesson in all this? Muscles are dumb and forgetful. And also, you shouldn't leave the house when you're power-loaded on laxatives.


Jane @ Jane's Junk and Treasures said...

OMG I had a blood clot back in November - right before Thanksgiving!!! THANK. YOU. VERY. MUCH. NO TURKEY! Five days in the hospital!

The stupid blood clot cut off the circulation to my colon which was the most painful thing I have ever had happen to me in my LIFE!! Not to mention the blood coming out of my butt like I was a stabbing victim.

I was on liquids for 3 months and now I'm still trying to get the ole colon to work again!!

For shits sake, I can't take laxatives because they make the colon bleed and Benefiber did nothing. I am now taking that Miralax.....all it does is make the poop soft and messy!! My poor butt hole is sore from all the damn toilet paper.

So my little colon sister I feel your pain and your poop......well I don't want to feel your poop but you know what I mean!!!

the Tsaritsa said...

I'm happy to hear the surgery went well, but the no poop situation is no joke. I hope you feel better soon!

I was constipated for a week once (too much stodgey food, not enough exercise/water), and it was pretty painful, though not close to what you're experiencing I'm sure.

Stool softener? That may assist.

Henri B. said...

"Power-loaded on laxatives" made me think of muskets.

mina2 said...

Your picture is tres jolie. You should definitely buy a Medic Alert, Jitterbug, Depends, and some Bengay. Justin's great grandmother had a Medic Alert and she would hit the button and the following would occur: Operator: Mary, are you okay? Nanny: See they pick-up, hi, my grand kids are here. Operator: Are you okay Mary? Nanny (totally ignoring the operator): See how nice they are. They always pick-up. After the operator would hang up she would press the button again and the same conversation would repeat itself. Your bottom will remember. Your muscles have memories...good pooping memories.

Kara said...

Oh my god no joke, having surpriz poo at the bank is literally my worst nightmare! What an awful ordeal! At least you have a great sense of humor about it, because I'm pretty sure the whole situation is a whole "if you're not laughing, you're crying" type of situation.

Simone DeBlasio said...

so sorry you're having such a rough time. the good side? you'll already be well into a fiber routine when you hit 40. so you have a head start.

sending love and hugs.

feel better.

Sara Louise said...

I'm sorry, but I have to confess: "Do you know how hard it is not being able to get your butt to work?" made me laugh myself silly. Seriously. I'm so sorry that your butt isn't working for you, but thank you so much the laugh.
Good luck with your butt :)

Mandy_Fish said...

I think we should invent a Miralax cocktail. Miralax Martini, anyone? Shaken not stirred.

Sara said...

Why am I laughing?! Stop being so funny so I can be sorry for you. Dude...boo to the butt issues. Hope you get your shit worked out soon, literally. :)

Wombat Central said...

Just getting caught up on your blog and uh mah gah I missed the whole flipping surgery!

Glad they figured out what was wrong and fixed it... hope your colon gets the memo soon.


Deidre said...

Glad to hear your recovering and man do I understand the stomach muscle issues - I promise they do come back...eventually. i had to take 6-8 weeks after I had surgery to let everything heal - and then i started yoga again...ho boy, it was pathetic there for a while.

Good luck - also with the pooping, that sounds horrible. I would never leave the house...ever.

A Lady Reveals Nothing said...

"Unfortunately, I'm no ass trainer"


© Things I Like to Eat (...and Other Nonsense), AllRightsReserved.

Designed by ScreenWritersArena