Special Thoughts with TILTE...

Let's get nostalgic for a sec...

When I was thirteen, I had saved up like a shitton worth of birthday/ Christmas money ($100!!!) and was able to buy myself- get ready for it- A BOOMBOX (cue the angels singing). I remember my mom driving me to the electronics store and inspecting all my options, weighing the pros and cons for each of those magical beasts that not only let me record all my fav songs from the radio, but also play CDDDDD's. I know, you're probably thinking "TILTE, were you born in the stone age or what?" No, I was not born in the stone age. We had a "house" stereo, but after going through 4 kids, that thing was totally beat. I'm talking, just barely breathe on the volume lever and it would go SCREEEECHING up or down in volume. Anyway. I got my own boombox and i loooooved it. My first cd was Stone Temple Pilot's Core and I remember sitting next to my bed, not doing anything other than listening to the cd over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You get the idea.

Not sure where I was going with that... just wanted to share.

Have you ever noticed you can always hear songs you liked in high school and still like them? See where I'm going with this...? Here's my list of songs that will ALWAYS remind me of high school (in no particular order)...

Hole - Miss World (Poor Court... She was so young and not on [as many] drugs.)

Liz Phair - Supernova

Foo Fighters - I'll Stick Around

Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock (Have you tried playing drums to this song on Rock Band? This is some tough shit, seriously.)

Soundgarden - The Day I Tried to Live

Silverchair - Tomorrow (Man, I thought Daniel Johns was hot like nobody's business...)

Space - Female of the Species (I specifically remember being at a Baskin-Robbins and singing this song.)

Ice Cube - Check Yo Self (Hands down, this song always get my shoulders pumpin.)

Big Pun - Still Not a Player (I'm only marginally embarassed by this one.)

The Breeders - Cannonball

Folk Implosion - Natural One

Eels - Novacain for the Soul

Spacehog - In the Meantime

Butthole Surfers - Pepper (I specifically remember being at a Spudnuts and singing this song.)

God Lives Under Water - From Your Mouth

Which songs always remind you of high school? Let's share!


In more essiting news...

I came across two websites designed for people just as narcissistic as you and me (okay, more me). They're called MorphThing and In20Years. (EDIT: I totes forgot to give thanks and praise to Brooke and Andie for sharing these blessed sites with me.) Examples below:

(Okay, so I can't actually save my "In 20 Years" pic, so you'll have to click on this link.) (Also, I'd like to add, this is me in THIRTY years, not twenty. And it's also after I've become a drug addict. And a zombie.)

And for the morphing finale... this is what you get when you cross TILTE...

And Charlize Theron as famed female serial killer, Aileen Wuornos...

Aaaaaaaaand TA-DA!

You can thank me for that later. (Thanks to Ali Z. for inspiring me to post this pic of my alter ego, TILTE Wuornos.)

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Attempt at Cooking: Part Deux

Welcome back, friends- I'm still alive! This weekend was a tribute to meeting new people, going new places and trying new recipes. Essiting, isn't it?!?!

Friday night was my mashup with Junks from Junket Juice. Keith was worried Junks was really a super creepy pervo in disguise and wanted me to call him every 5 min on the way to her place. I'm 95% sure he was trying to scare me because last weekend I convinced him that even though he *thought* he was going to meet up with his old mate from school in Newcastle, he was in fact meeting up with three dudes for a gay excursion.

I digress.

So I got to Junks place and- shock and awe- she was a totally normal, non-creepy girl! We said our hellos and the fact that we've only been friends on the 'net and this was the first time we were actually meeting in person was like no biggie. By the time I got there, I had to use the bathroom (despite Keith's advice to avoid entering the premises) and thank God I did or else I wouldn't have met this little Love Machine:

Long story short, Junks and I went to see Tristen Prettyman perform in Venice. Junks had heard that the venue didn't have a liquor license and that it was BYOB. Well, being the classy dames we are, we showed up with a few of these:

(all the essentials for a celebloggers night on the town.)

Highlight of the night (that should say lowlight of the night): Not because she was wearing a ragged old slip as a dress. Not because she was also wearing hideous cliche emo hipster pumps from Payless circa 1994. But because of the distasteful haircut that looked uncomfortably similar to those of the Auschwitz survivors. Allow me to introduce you to... girl-standing-in-front-of-us-all-night-who-gives-dirty-looks-to-anyone-who-passes-by-her.

(Maybe if you double-click you can really appreciate the short buzz avec mullet drape for added effect. :::barf:::)

Saturday I took full advantage of Keith's newly acquired willingness to try new/ different foods and decided to cook dinner. COOK DINNER, YO. Did you see what I said? Things usually go downhill at olympic speed when I attempt a feat like this, so there was a lot of weight on my shoulders.

I went with a recipe I'd tried once before, Easy Chicken and Potatoes (Pay no attention to the veneers, flabby belly and chicken wings on the righthand side of the page. They're kind of unappetizing.). Although last time it hadn't turned out according to plan, I knew it was something that, if done correctly, Keith would like.


Well, someone in the Heavens must have been looking down on me that day (*Bea Arthur*), because my dinner came out great! This recipe is REALLY easy, even for a novice meal-hijacker like myself. I will definitely keep this in my cookbook (stack of printed out recipes crammed in a cupboard) for future reference. For anyone else who is interested in trying it out, I would just up the seasoning and Parmesan cheese.. and maybe even the Italian dressing. This meal has a great flavor, it just needs more of it.

Also, if you have a badass crockpot like this, it totally helps:

(Disclaimer: I do NOT watch Nascar, nor do I endorse Bobby Labonte. This was merely a joke wedding gift that was way too kitsch to part ways with.)

Sunday morning, we got up bright and early to visit the Beverly Hills Farmers Market. Now, maybe I was just expecting more than what it really is, especially from BevHills, but I have to admit to being a little disappointed with the market. If you click on that link and see the picture of all the vendors, that's it. That's pretty much all the vendors that are actually there. And I think maybe I was hoping for more ready made food that I could go hog wild with. Also, if you go to that page, you'll see little kids with their faces ear deep in pie. I.wanted.to.be.one.of.those.kids. It was mostly produce and flowers, with a panini or crepe stall here and there. I know, it's a farmers market, not a food court. I can't help it if my mouth was all hungry for sloppy, greasy food and all they had was cabbage and strawberries. Rest assured, I will not make this mistake again.

Anyway, here are a couple of highlights:

Some kid getting ready to battle a cow.


Me and my flowers.

All in all, it was a great weekend. And I even have some nice flowers on the dining room table to show for it.

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A Food Double Header and Some Blog Shout-Outs!

Just for your hungry little eyeballs, I have not one, but TWO meals to share with you.

Yesterday at lunch I was having some trouble deciding what I could shove down my gullet that wouldn't make me sick. Just a little background info- I have a bad stomach. All the time. With the exception of my rock solid abs (lies.), I wouldn't even know what a normal stomach feels like. And lately, finding meals that sound good and don't add to my misery has been quite a feat.

After receiving some facebook suggestions for nachos, chorizo, and anything-but-cup-o-noodles (thanks Alicia, Julia, and Nycole) I ended up going with a local place that I'd been to once before with my sister, Catch 21. I wanted to stear clear of anything too heavy or dairy based, so I ordered the BBQ Chicken Breast. Thank the heavens above, it was GOOD. It was actually just what I needed and only $7.99.

The BBQ chicken breast came on a sultry bed of rice with steamed vegetables on the side. I had the option to go with cole slaw or french fries, but since slaw grosses me out and I'm *trying* be healthy, I went with the veg. Everything about this meal was right on target and I would give it 4 out 5 chins. It gets 4 and not 5 because although it was very good, I wasn't dreaming about it all night long.

Today's lunch was tres fancypants because it was at the Four Seasons.

(This is the actual room where we ate... like on fancy recliners and chit.)

I like to pretend we went here because I'm super rich and famous, but it's really just because my boss treated. But enough about him. On what seemed like a surprisingly small menu (maybe rich people don't like to have many options...?) there were only a few items that sounded appetizing. I went with the frittata. According to the Four Seasons menu the frittata goes something like this: "Cast-iron vegetable frittata, choice of eggs or egg whites, organic feta cheese, golden tomato coulis". Without having google nearby, I wasn't really sure what a tomato coulis was supposed to be. Well, it kinda tasted like ketchup. Only fancier. The menu description failed to mention the frittata is also topped with avocado. Delicious in any language. At first, the vegetables in the frittata tasted a little foreign, but that could be because my mouth/ stomach was like "wtf is this??". But after a while, my tastebudz adjusted and it was really very good. The eggs were fluffy and moist, there was a nice variety of veg, and the avocado was the perfect Omega-9 addition. Most importantly, it didn't leave me feeling weighed down or with a stomach ache.

Since Boss Hog was footing the bill, I also ordered a strawberry smoothie. (Loooove me a good smoothie...) I was very happy with my decision because it was very delicious. Better than the coulis, in fact. I don't remember exactly what was in it... I think it was strawberry, banana, mango, and some protein booshet. I dunno, but it was exactly what I was looking for.

This was my view. I told you it was fancy.

Yeah, I would have to give the old Four Seasons 5 out of 5 chins. The food quality was great and the service was like ridiculously outstanding.

In other blog-related news...

My friend Chrystal just started her own blog! It's all about the music she has playing in her head when she wakes up each morning and the memories they relate to. Check it out here! It's her first blog, so make sure to tell all your friends about it. (Hey wait... this is my first blog too... tell all your friends about my blog first, then hers.)

And lastly, tonight will be an event to top all other momentous events. I will be hanging out with fellow blogger and bbff (Blogger Best Friend FoReVeR!), Junks at Junket Juice. Feel free to stalk her here. This is seriously earth-shattering, mind-blowing, diary-logging news here and I'm sure all of you will be on the edge of your seats till my next entry. Fingers crossed she finds me as hilarious and adorable in real life as I do.

In related news, if I go missing, you know where to look.

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More Parties?!?!

I'm still recovering from the massive amounts of partying I did this weekend. Just like Paris and Kim Kardi, I'm a must-have if you want your event to be the hit of the century.

Saturday night was Grant's bday party. It was at Candelight in Ventura and he and Pris reserved a cabana because we're all high-profile celebs. I'd never been there before, even in it's former glory as Landmark 78, partly because I heard it's haunted. Also partly because no one had ever taken me there.

The history of this place goes something like this: Carlo Hahn built this beautiful house in the early 1900's. Rosa, a young, Italian immigrant who lives at the house, is forced into a loveless marriage to an older man. Rosa is unhappy and falls in love with a young Italian man. She shits herself when she finds out she's pregnant, and pulls a switcharoo by hanging herself. Word on the street is, she has been seen staring out a second story window, walking in the stairwell, and in the ladies room. (Oh shit... I was in the ladies room... that bitch better not have followed me home.)

Anyway, it was a great location for Grant's party. The outside had several cabanas and ultra-mod white pleather sofas. :::drool::: Each cabana had it's own chandelier (fancy!) and heat lamp.

The birthday boy and his laydeh.

This place has a smallish menu, but it had a pretty good representative sample to choose from. I ordered the Three Cheese Flatbread Pizza. Grant had ordered this pizza as an appetizer and based on the one slice I had, it seemed pretty good. Unfortunately, it kind of lost its appeal once it was served as a meal. Don't get me wrong, it was still good, it was just a liiiittle too garlicky and would have been better off as a smaller portion. Other than that, it was a good pizza. The thickness of the flatbread was just the right amount of crust to avoid disintegrating like a saltine when I bit into it. And the flavor on the cheeses was great combination- slightly tangy, maybe like a parmasan or something. Really, if they had gone a little easier on the garlic, it would have been perfect.

I would like to revisit this place someday. An inside source says this place tends to lean more towards le douche side on a regular Fri/ Sat night. And to those of you thinking "Ok, how douchey are we talking...?", I have one word: Afflictionwear. But just because I'm a sucker for a beautiful building with badazz decor, I may brave the wilderness.

The outside bar area. It was pretty early when we left so the cougs weren't out on patrol yet.

Sunday was back-to-back baby fiestas. Now, we all know I'm not really down with les enfants, but these ones happen to belong to lifelong friends so I guess we're cool. First was Gabe's Fantastic-Circus-Themed-One-Year-Bday.

Happy birthday, babeh boy!

Since it was mostly babies, there's not much exciting banter to report. But I will share with you some of the photo highlights.

These cupcakes were DEE.LISH.US. Too bad my sister doesn't check her cell phone when I call 500 times, telling her to bring me another. By the way, these dreamy/ creepy clown cupcake sets can be found here. (I couldn't find the exact ones on the website, so you'll have to deal with just knowing they exist in-store.)

This is what happens when I'm put in charge of facepaint. Anyone else want to look like John Wayne Gacy...?

Nate and one of the baby toys.

Hogan- er... I mean, Zorro, going to town on his beloved watermelon.


My plate. All the major food groups are covered.

So the final party of the weekend was Alys' 6th Birthday ala Sweet Sixteen style. This girl got all the necessities any young debutant could think of. This season's swimwear with matching pool smock- check. Juicy Couture bracelet to make all the other kindergartner's jealous- check. I have to admit, I thought my gift was going to be outdown when she opened up a tiny gold ring and was so in love she didn't even want to put it on out of fear of losing it. But when she opened my gift, the Heavens opened up and the angels sang and this picky little diva loved my gift. As she should. You see, when I went shopping for this mystery prize, I thought to myself "What would TILTE as a six year old like...? Alys IS pretty mature for her age... What would TILTE as a 30 year old like...?" And then I saw it. The gift to oust all other gifts.











THE HANNAH MONTANA WIG.

Friends, feast your eyes on Alys as Hannah Badass Montana...

(Click the photo for true appreciation.)

So there you have it, my weekend in a blog nutshell. I'll throw in one more pic of me and Mel, otherwise known as Hannah Montana's mom.

We go way back. Shout out to high school Mat Stats!

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Hate: It's What's for Dinner.

There's been some unpleasantness going on lately, and as I'm sure you can tell, it's about to get ugly in here. I've been stressed the fuck out and *may* need to do some harmless venting about things I hate to preoccupy myself from the real sadness at hand. Before I begin, let's get the food portion of this entry out of the way.

Last night, Keith and I decided to go with Daphne's for dinner. It's one of the few places we can both agree on and doesn't have the possibility of turning into a sky's the limit bill (ahem- take note, Cheesecake Factory...). I went with a top secret, CIA style option that's not even offered on their website. The only reason I know about it is because I am an internet celeb and I get perks left and right*

*I saw it advertised in-store.

This fantastic deal is called the Three Course Dinner. You get to create your own meal and have several appetizers, main dishes, and two desserts to choose from. I went with my usual fav- the Original Hummus with pita, Street Gyros, and Baklava. As if that weren't enough, it also comes with two sides- I went with the french fries and salad. Salad because I'm on a diet. ALLLLLLL this for only $7.99!!! I know, friends, I was pretty amazed too when I made this discovery. Daphne's gets 5 out of 5 chins, not so much because it's the best food ever, but because it's a really great deal and you get a lot for your money. To the three course dinner, I say Yasou.

Okay, let's get this show on the road. I think the cleanest, fairest way to do this is to list items that really get on my fucking nerves. These items can then have a chance to rebuttal in my comments section below. Let the hate commence.

-I hate when I go into the ladies room and there's a GD sorority pledge going on in there. Ladies, move your house elsewhere. I go in there to take care of business, not talk about which bikinis are in style and braid each other's hair. SCRAM. (This also applies to stall cell-phone-talkers. Pigs.)

-I hate when people try to get shit for free. I was standing in line at Coffee Bean the other day, and the woman in front of me was taking all damn day trying to decide what she wanted. Then she wanted to have tasters of everything. Then- the icing on the cake- she was trying to get the CB associate to offer her a free anything-she-wants if she doesn't like her muffin. Lady, get real. He didn't actually bake your muffin and he doesn't actually care if you like it.

-I hate it when my dogs act like jerks and clobber people out of unrestrained happiness. I know it's my fault for not playing jedi mind tricks with them like Cesar has taught me, but I'm telling you, these two are buck wild. They're total dream dogs when we're just sitting around watching TV. But the second we walk in the house from a hard day at work, those two cujos start hopping around like they're on crystal meth. Yesterday, Kosmo's giant sabertooth got me right on my elbow bone, which immediately made me see red. Did you know there's a connection between your elbow and eyeballs? Me neither.

-I hate it when I order food and somehow it comes not exaaaactly how my mouth had envisioned it. Since my lunch at CPK the other day was so good, I decided to go back yesterday. BAD IDEA. The CPK chef thought he'd be a real wisecracker and put about 5,000 scallions in my salad, resulting in not only my inability to whisper secrets for the rest of the day, but also a debilitating case of the heartburns. Hey chef, if I wanted a lunch based solely on the plant genus Allium, I would have gone to Outback and ordered myself 20 Bloomin' Onions.

-I hate when all my jeans keep shrinking everytime I wash them. Same thing goes for my shorts. And my underwear. -Eventhough I actually hang dry anything that has the potentional to lose .00001% of it's original size. I guess my real fear on this one is that my waist/ belly/ chins just keep multiplying as I sleep and one day I will wake up looking like the mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

-I hate when people have no manners. If you're at the cashier/ hostess/ counter and someone is expected to give you some sort of service, get off your ridiculous looking Calabasas bedazzled phone and act like a normal human being. Have some respek.

Alright, that's it for now. I know there's a shazload more where that came from, but right now I have too many things going on to really concentrate. Stay tuned, friends. I'm sure this list will have many more updated versions to come. If you really need more hate, visit this youtuber. (Warning, mom- it is filled with f-bombs and your ears may bleed after listening to it. But it's still funny and totally blogworthy.)

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CPKizzle in the Hizzle!

For those of you not down with the cool kids, CPK stands for California Pizza Kitchen. That's where Chrystal, Guy and I went for lunch today. My stomach has been a real jerkoff lately so I thought it would be best to stear clear of my usual M.O. (anything smothered in 4 lbs of butter and/or cheese). Instead, I opted for the the Original Chopped Salad (I know- salad- wtf?!?!) Trust me, this is a salad for non-salad eaters. According to the CPK menu it has the following items: chopped iceberg, salami, basil, roasted turkey breast, tomatoes, mozzarella, and garbanzo beans tossed in an herb-mustard parmesan vinaigrette. Long story short, it tasts like a Subway Cold Cut Trio minus the bun... and with a lot more lettuce. It's the perfect thing to order on a warm day or when you want to try a salad but don't want your stomach to get all sadfaced. I used to work at a CPK when I was in college and can pretty much tell you the pros and cons of every item on the menu- circa 2005, that is.


So this CPK in particular has something very creepy going on. No, it's not the manager who always reminds me of Borat. It's the mural on the second story. Allow me to explain. In the waiting area, the ceilings are extra high, but there's no actual second story. It's just wall. This is what you see when you look up............



(Click to maximize creepiness.)

Aside from the night terrors I'll be having tonight, CPK was just what The Doctor ordered (remember I call my belly The Doctor...? I know- I'm hilare.)

So yesterday, there was a bit of a shit-my-pants moment in the TILTE house. While I was getting ready for work, I got a call on my cell, but didn't answer because I figured it was something non-important, like my boss or something. So I continued getting ready- brushed my teeth, dried my hair, etc. Finally, I went over to check my voicemail. It was a number I didn't recognize... and a voice I didn't recognize... saying "Hi, I have your dog, Kosmo..." WHAT.THE.FRAG. How the hizzell did wonder pup escape my mental deathgrip??? I called the number back right away and made arrangements to meet them in 10 minutes. So 10 min later, I grabbed my purse and went into the livingroom and noticed the front door was wide open! Shit, now I have TWO wonder pups running rampant around the neighborhood. Luckily, Biscuit loves me too much and could never stray. Instead, she chose to use her moment of freedom to run through the bushes, covering her head with a doile of spider webs.

I drove down to meet the couple who found Kosmo and hoped they wouldn't decide to hold him for ransom. Thankfully, they came walking up a minute later. It was a young couple and they were SO nice! They fed him water with milk in it because they "didn't have anything for puppies". (Soooo cute- they thought Kosmo was a pup!) I thanked them a bazillion times and much to Kosmo's dismay, brought him back home.

Welcome back, dream dog.

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Graduates, Pub Scouts, and Mothers.

Welcome back, friends! I hope you had a great weekend- I know I did. Before I go on to brag about my celebrity lifestyle, I want to raise the roof for all my mom-readers and say Happy Belated Mother's Day! Let me say major "thank yous" to all the moms out there on behalf of the following people:

-Children who hated going to swimming lessons every summer so much, they would cry the whole way to the pool and then give themselves diarrhea and/or constipation by the time the lessons actually started. (Sorry about that, Mom.)

-Children who were constantly late to first period classes due to having meltdowns because "I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR!!!" (Sorry about that, Mom.)

-Children who invited 30 second-graders over to their house for their birthday "party" the day before said "party", despite there not actually being a "party" and whose mothers had to scramble around the night before the "party" to accomodate 30 wild kids. (lolz... I'm not really sorry about this one, that was the best party ever.)

Alright, onto this weekend's events. Saturday was Danielle's graduation party- the day my freshly tanned hamhocks had been looking forward to all week. The party was held at Malibu Family Wines and it was the perfect location, with the perfect weather, for a perfect party. There were tons of people all throughout the location, there was live music, and there were even areas for recreational fun like horseshoes and bocce ball.

The event was catered by Blue Table (Mmmm...). There was a variety of sandwiches to choose from- I went with the Caprese since that was something I'd been eyeing on the menu the last time I was there. The mozzarella cheese was so fresh and had such a light flavor, I've been dreaming of it ever since.

There was also an impressive spread of cheeses to dazzle the palette.

And for dessert, cupcakes from the most legit cupcake shop in all the world* (*Southern California), Lark. Seriously, folks. These cupcakes are OFF.THE.CHAIN.RIDICULOUS. I can testify that these are without a doubt the best cupcakes in the area because Danielle and I conducted major scientific research for about two weeks straight on this exact subject.

(I know, this isn't the best picture, but it was the best I could do considering I was blinded by the hearts in my eyes.) This is the Berry Cupcake. It consists of a light, airy vanilla cake, with a little custard filling, and topped with a light and airy, non-greasy whipped cream. These blow all other cupcakes out of the water because they are super light and airy (are you catching on yet?), the cake itself is very moist, and the frosting isn't very sugary. The best part is that they are only like $2.50 each. TOTALLY worth it.

There were tons of photo opps at Danielle's party, so I'll just post some of the highlights:

The fresh fruit was deelishus.

Grant and Pris.


A pitcher with chalkboard on it for easy labeling. (Ingenius!)


Chrystal and Jason.


Bao and Emily.


The graduate with sister and mum.

And yours truly.


Saturday night, Rawnie and I met up for our monthly meeting of the Pub Scouts. These meetings usually consist of us eating and drinking our way through downtown Ventura like we just turned 21. And usually ends with me being slightly handicapped the next morning. This time around, we went to El Rey and Dargan's. I'd only been to El Rey once before and I loved it and wanted to see if the magic was still there. It wasn't. The carne asada quesadilla was still definitely worth the $9, but overall, it wasn't that great this time around. Much to my expectation, Dargan's wasn't much better.

Geeeev me a quarter, I'll tell you your fooooortune...


Diiiiiiitto.....

At least we met this hunk.

So yesterday, mom made lunch for me and The Doyles. She made a real staple (and treasure) in the TILTE household- tuna noodle casserole. You know how you always like certain foods just because you're used to them and they're something you've grown up eating? In our house, it's tuna noodle casserole. I didn't get a pic of it because it pretty much doesn't look all that tasty and I wouldn't want to give you the wrong untasty idea. We all went over to my grandma's house so we could say our happy mother's day and so grandma could spit hate all over the place. Mom and Tanya both made desserts and both desserts made my day.

Mom's cherry fluff pie.


Tanya's coconut pineapple rice pudding. (Usually, Tanya's recipes are questionnable because one of her kids had MAJOR food allergies so she used to replace all the eggs/ dairy/ nuts/ soy/ ingredients with other MUCH LESS glamorous substitutes. But even I had to admit, this rice pudding was so good, I brought extras home for dessert tonight.)

In closing, I will leave you with a magical poem penned by my nephew, Wyatt. As you can see, we put butter on a high pedestal 'round these parts.

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