Hate: It's What's for Dinner.

There's been some unpleasantness going on lately, and as I'm sure you can tell, it's about to get ugly in here. I've been stressed the fuck out and *may* need to do some harmless venting about things I hate to preoccupy myself from the real sadness at hand. Before I begin, let's get the food portion of this entry out of the way.

Last night, Keith and I decided to go with Daphne's for dinner. It's one of the few places we can both agree on and doesn't have the possibility of turning into a sky's the limit bill (ahem- take note, Cheesecake Factory...). I went with a top secret, CIA style option that's not even offered on their website. The only reason I know about it is because I am an internet celeb and I get perks left and right*

*I saw it advertised in-store.

This fantastic deal is called the Three Course Dinner. You get to create your own meal and have several appetizers, main dishes, and two desserts to choose from. I went with my usual fav- the Original Hummus with pita, Street Gyros, and Baklava. As if that weren't enough, it also comes with two sides- I went with the french fries and salad. Salad because I'm on a diet. ALLLLLLL this for only $7.99!!! I know, friends, I was pretty amazed too when I made this discovery. Daphne's gets 5 out of 5 chins, not so much because it's the best food ever, but because it's a really great deal and you get a lot for your money. To the three course dinner, I say Yasou.

Okay, let's get this show on the road. I think the cleanest, fairest way to do this is to list items that really get on my fucking nerves. These items can then have a chance to rebuttal in my comments section below. Let the hate commence.

-I hate when I go into the ladies room and there's a GD sorority pledge going on in there. Ladies, move your house elsewhere. I go in there to take care of business, not talk about which bikinis are in style and braid each other's hair. SCRAM. (This also applies to stall cell-phone-talkers. Pigs.)

-I hate when people try to get shit for free. I was standing in line at Coffee Bean the other day, and the woman in front of me was taking all damn day trying to decide what she wanted. Then she wanted to have tasters of everything. Then- the icing on the cake- she was trying to get the CB associate to offer her a free anything-she-wants if she doesn't like her muffin. Lady, get real. He didn't actually bake your muffin and he doesn't actually care if you like it.

-I hate it when my dogs act like jerks and clobber people out of unrestrained happiness. I know it's my fault for not playing jedi mind tricks with them like Cesar has taught me, but I'm telling you, these two are buck wild. They're total dream dogs when we're just sitting around watching TV. But the second we walk in the house from a hard day at work, those two cujos start hopping around like they're on crystal meth. Yesterday, Kosmo's giant sabertooth got me right on my elbow bone, which immediately made me see red. Did you know there's a connection between your elbow and eyeballs? Me neither.

-I hate it when I order food and somehow it comes not exaaaactly how my mouth had envisioned it. Since my lunch at CPK the other day was so good, I decided to go back yesterday. BAD IDEA. The CPK chef thought he'd be a real wisecracker and put about 5,000 scallions in my salad, resulting in not only my inability to whisper secrets for the rest of the day, but also a debilitating case of the heartburns. Hey chef, if I wanted a lunch based solely on the plant genus Allium, I would have gone to Outback and ordered myself 20 Bloomin' Onions.

-I hate when all my jeans keep shrinking everytime I wash them. Same thing goes for my shorts. And my underwear. -Eventhough I actually hang dry anything that has the potentional to lose .00001% of it's original size. I guess my real fear on this one is that my waist/ belly/ chins just keep multiplying as I sleep and one day I will wake up looking like the mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

-I hate when people have no manners. If you're at the cashier/ hostess/ counter and someone is expected to give you some sort of service, get off your ridiculous looking Calabasas bedazzled phone and act like a normal human being. Have some respek.

Alright, that's it for now. I know there's a shazload more where that came from, but right now I have too many things going on to really concentrate. Stay tuned, friends. I'm sure this list will have many more updated versions to come. If you really need more hate, visit this youtuber. (Warning, mom- it is filled with f-bombs and your ears may bleed after listening to it. But it's still funny and totally blogworthy.)


Jessica said...

I was in a public restroom the other day and the lady in the stall next to me was listening to her voicemail on speaker. Who does that?!?!

Biscuit said...

this: "my inability to whisper secrets for the rest of the day" near-bout put me into a coma.

I hate it when heathens try to talk to me while I'm gettin shit done IN THE STALL. "So hey, whatdya think of this movie eh, REAL STINKER HUH?!"

Deborah said...

Dogs! Your paragraph on dogs is lovely.

And I see that you have met my dog?

And once again - gimme that dinner for $7.99. I want it.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

Jess- i just don't get the bathroom-stall-phone-user. sometimes i really want to let one rip while they're on the phone (God knows i have the power). you know, just to let 'em know i mean business.

biscuit- welcome. don't be confused when you read entries about my dog whose name is also biscuit. you'll know it has nothing to do with you when you realize i'm talking about a dog.

debs- only a fellow dog lover would appreciate that section. everyone else just cringes at the thought of being mauled by my two personal labradorean beasts.

LaceyRee said...

I am sad that you are experiencing "unpleasantness", but I love this post! Your hatred toward these things is filled with just the right amount of humor :)
I used to have a lab who liked to jump up and try to give hugs the way us humans do, but now my parents have two little dogs and one of them gets so excited when people come over that she loses control of her bladder. It's funny, unless you're wearing expensive shoes. Or if you're barefoot, I guess that's not very funny either.

Junket said...

"Calabasas bedazzled phone"....ahhh man. Let's go to Coffee Bean and demand total satisfaction while talking on our cells in the bathroom. I'm no good at french braids...FYI.

RN Mama said...

I love that you gave the restaurant "5 out of 5 chins!"

As far as the stall-cell-phone-talkers...can we make that illegal please? The whole time I'm in there with someone like that I just want to yell "Hey, person on the other end of the phone...she's on the shitter!!!!!"

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

lacey- biscuit went through the pee-my-pants thing also. i had to have 409 on hand anytime someone came to visit. thanks for enjoying my hate-spitting session.

junks- let's do it. we'll make sure to demand satisfaction while calling from the ladies room.

RN- it should be illegal bc 1)anyone with an ear can tell if the person on the other side of the phone is in the restroom, and 2)it's unsanitary and disgusting. pigs.

Elizabeth said...

joe has a really good friend that is a cellphone shitter. i want to rip the phone out of her hand and tell her bathroom ettiquetee is pee and shit, but don't talk. but she's double my size if you can believe that. so i'm afraid she may want to sit on me.

dog days... oh that reminds of my devil dog highlander.

Wombat Central said...

Cell phone in stalls = pathetic. Really? You can't wait until you're done dumping your tanks to talk to that person about nothing?

PS Love your name.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

liz: "she's double my size if you can believe that. so i'm afraid she may want to sit on me." that explains it, she's given up on life. -and toilet etiquette.

wombat: i know, it's pure filth. and thanks for the compliment. i find myself saying it a lot.

one of you readers PLEASE have the nerve to rip a real 4th of july firecracker next time someone is cell-stalling. and then come back and tell me all about it.

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