Everything's Better With Bacon. Especially Bacon.

Last night Boyfriend and I decided to make a full-on, sit-down, pig-out meal. The recipe below kind of formed out two other recipes I chopped up and combined: See Chunky Monkey and Rachel Ray if you want the originals. I can't guarantee everyone will like it (Vegetarians, I'm talking to you), but if you like cheese and meat, you'll probably eat the shit out of this.

Bacon Wrapped Chicken

Ingredients:

-Chicken breasts (2)

-Swiss cheese

-Ricotta cheese

-Italian seasoning

-Bacon

Directions: Fillet chicken breast.

Use a meat tenderizer to smash your chicken to a flat pulp. Tip: If you don't have a meat tenderizer (like me), put your chicken in a plastic bag and use a a rolling pin to beat it up.

In a bowl, combine ricotta cheese and Italian seasoning. I didn't measure anything, but I'm guessing it was about 1 tspn of seasoning to 3 heaping tbsp of ricotta. Place a thin slice of swiss cheese, along with half of the ricotta mixture along one side of the chicken.

Roll up chicken, starting with cheese side first. Wrap uncooked bacon around the outside. Use toothpicks to keep bacon in place, if needed.

Cook for roughly 20 minutes at 400 degrees. Or until juices run clear. Or until you're starving and can't wait any longer.

This feast for the eyes and palate was followed up by a dessert I found in my new favorite magazine, Anyone Can Cook.

Lemon Cream Cheese Phyllo Cups

Ingredients:

-Frozen phyllo sheets

-Spray oil

-1 stick melted butter

-1/3 cup Sugar

-8 oz package Cream cheese

-3 tbsp Lemon curd

-Sugar for sprinkling

Directions: Separate one sheet of phyllo dough, brushing with melted butter, and sprinkle with sugar.

Repeat with three more sheets, stacking each on top of the previous sheet, until you have 4 sheets buttered, sugared, and stacked. Cut stack into even squares. (I cut mine into 4 even squares, but they came out too big for the cups. Sue me.) Stuff each square into the cup of a muffin tin that's been sprayed with oil.

Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes or until crisp.

While the cups are in the oven, combine cream cheese, sugar, and lemon curd.

Once cups have cooled, fill with cream cheese mixture. I didnt want to crush my precious phyllo cups and make a mess with the filling and then cry all over the place, so I created a piping bag out of a Ziplock baggie to avoid any spillage.

Decorate with berries or mint leaves or lemon zest or whatever's laying around the house.

Try these recipes the next time someone fancy comes over. They're sure to be dazzled.

Boner'ppetite.

Bloggers: I Don't Get Them.

I recently read an entry by The Tsaritsa about a recent run-in she had with another blogger. Now, I don't know anything about the blogger in question (I've actually never heard of her before), so I'm not trying to bash on anyone. But what I did find really interesting were the some of the points The Tsaritsa has noticed about bloggers in general:

"- Egotists will say anything to make themselves sound better than they actually are.

- Super self-absorbed people have a hard time taking a good look at their own reflection, oddly enough, and seeing themselves for who they truly are.

- If an egomaniac disagrees with your opinion, they will delete your comments, no matter how level-headed you were in your post. It's their way or the highway-- either you agree with their opinion or you have no opinion at all-- which only serves to make them look like an even bigger egotist."

It was actually perfect timing when I read this post because I'd just had a conversation with a friend about a very similar topic. This friend and I used to follow a blogger who seemed funny and cool and like someone we'd probably hang out with in real life. At one point, I emailed the blogger asking about some vitamins or something that she had mentioned in her blog. We emailed a few times and I thought we were buddies, so I sent her a friend request on Facebook. Well, apparently that was too hot for the blogger to handle because she straight up immediately changed her profile to Undercover Brother status, denied my olive branch of friendship, and didn't respond to any more emails. I was a little "WTF- I thought we were friends!!!", but eventually got over it.

I kept following her blog for a while, until it seemed like it was starting to take on a different tone. All of a sudden, everything was about how great and funny and cute she is. Her followers started multiplying by the hundreds, all of them kissing her butt with every comment they left. Her blog was no longer a snarky look at life, it was about the blogger stroking her own ego. My interest waned and it didn't take long for me to unfollow.

Sometime later, I learned that the blogger was in some kind of online contest. She was bitter and hateful because (Gasp!) someone else was in first place. Apparently, the blogger wrote an entry being catty and immature about the first-place blogger, which in turn, got her army of darkness to go to the other girl's blog and leave rude comments. So my friend commented on her blog with something like "You shouldn't make fun of her just because you're in second place- she's winning fair and square." (Or something to that effect.) Well, that just set the blogger's face on fire because apparently she emailed my friend several times going apeshit. And OF COURSE her followers jumped on my friend like flies on shit. I guess this went on for several days until the blogger realized my friend wasn't playing along.

So this brings me to the question: What the fuck is going on with bloggers who think they're the shit? Is it something that happens when you hit the 600 follower mark? Or does it happen when you get 85 buttkissing comments in a row?? (Which, by the way, seems sooo boring to me.) If so, don't worry friends, we've got a loooooong time before that shit happens here. I may joke about being hilarious and famous, but we all know it's a joke. I don't take myself seriously and I especially love my readers because they comment like normal human beings, not starstruck morons. (And I'd like to add, I basically approve all comments unless they are making fun of other people in my blog. Making fun of me is fine- Making fun of my friends and family, not fine.) If you disagree with me or think something I said is crazy, tell me. I'm not going to turn into a pile of ash because you have a different opinion.

In a totally separate, but somewhat related note- I was reading another blogger's entry recently where he asked for readers' opinions. So I left mine. I was honest, but made sure to still be respectful. I even asked Boyfriend to read it over and make sure it wasn't rude or offensive in any way. It got a thumbs up from him, so I posted. Not even an hour later, the comment was deleted. No sign of it anywhere. Why do bloggers ask for opinions if they don't really want them? Any answer, as long as it's respectful should be valid, right...? When I ask questions in my blog, it's because I really want to know what you think, not because I want you to agree with me. -Unless I actually do want you to agree with me, in which case I'll say "What do you think? -Just agree with me."

When you have a blog, you're putting yourself out there to be liked or not liked. I'm okay with not being liked. I mean, let's call a ham a ham- I want people to like me and think I'm entertaining and maybe I also hope one day Ellen Degeneres will read this and ask me to be on her show. But I'm still okay with the fact that this blog isn't for everyone. When you blog, do you expect everyone to see things your way, or are you open to other points of view...?


PS: Ellen- I'm waiting for the call.

St. Patrick: I Love Him.

In case you missed the updates plastered all over Facebook, Twitter, blogcity, the internet, children at your kid's school, coworkers in the next cubicle, or the world in general, today is St. Patrick's Day. You know what that means... Time for me to eat my weight's worth in corned beef and cabbage (and some potato skins for good measure) because clearly this is the only day all year long when I can eat these items. Did I mention I LOoOOoOoOVE this shit???

But while we're on the subject of getting intoxicated off beef products, I'm going to take a quiiiick second to remind you not to be a drunk driver tonight. And when your stupidass friend INSISTS that he's totally fine to drive, but can't remember where he placed his ID and is sporting a shirt soaked in Guinness and/ or a stupid, green and white striped Cat-in-the-Hat style piece of shit on his head, find him a ride home.

MADD paid for this Wreckage on Display and placed in front of a local Irish pub. Apparently, the driver of this car walked away fine, while the driver of the other car was killed. Moral of the story: Don't be an asshole.

Last night, I decided to whip up some mini cupcakes for Pearl's class. Not because I'm Mother Theresa or anything. But more because I just like baking and I LOVE the idea of making baked goods for a kid to share with classmates. Ten 4-year-olds are going to be verrrrry happy today. -At least, in my head they are.

This morning, Pearl was dressed to impress.

A little St. Patrick... A little Cheech N Chong. (re Fashion: I LOVE when they're too young to know better.) I wonder where on earth she sees crazy looking outfits and thinks they're okay to wear out in public...

Happy St. Patricks!


In other nonsense...

Don't forget to check out my post today at Sprocket Ink!

Sprocket Ink - You Can Find Me Here.

Something great has taken place here, friends. And I'm not just talking about the return of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish (aka "Catholic Friday"). A blogger by the name of Jerrod (from The Yellow Factor) started up a new blogging site called Sprocket Ink and asked me to one be of the contibuting editors. When I first got the invite I was totally not surprised at all and patted myself on the back for climbing my way up the blogging ladder. But my self-admiration was quickly replaced by flattery and excitement over the idea that someone else (who's actually not a family member) thinks my writing is noteworthy.

So, starting tomorrow I will be featured HERE every Tuesday at 11am PST (I use "at" loosely) and Thursday at 8am. (Heads up- tomorrow's entry is titled "Looking to Start a New Career? Let's Talk.") Please take a few minutes to check out all the great bloggers involved in this project- their bios can be found here. And feel free (please.please.please.) to add Sprocket Ink to your regular blog visits.


Since there was cause to celebrate tonight (Ahem- see above), Boyfriend and I blessed the night with alcoholic beverages and video games. -Whiskey Sours and Super Mario, to be exact. Since I'm sure most of my readers enjoy Mario and drinking as much as I do, I'm going to share our recipe for Whiskey Sour and hope you rejoice as well. (Make them, they're good. I downed two in like eight minutes.) (Just kidding, Mom.) (No seriously.)


WHISKEY SOUR


Ingredients:
2 oz. bourbon
1 oz lime juice
1 oz. lemon juice
1 tbsp sugar
Orange slice
Maraschino cherry


Directions:
In a rocks glass combine bourbon, lime juice, lemon juice, and sugar. Stir until dissolved. Add ice cubes. Garnish with orange and cherry.


Happy drinking, and don't forget to check out Sprocket Ink!

Recipe courtesy of last month's Anyone Can Cook magazine.

Tacos.

I'm going to share with you three ancient Mexican recipes handed down through generations of TILTE family members. Boyfriend and I tried out all three last night (one of them for the first time ever) and it was a SMASH-FUCKING-HIT. Tell your mouth to get ready to water.


MEXICAN RICE

Ingredients:
-1 cup white rice (I used CalRose)
-3 tbsp cooking oil (I used canola)
-1/4 of a yellow onion, diced
-1/4 of a medium sized tomato, diced
-2 cups chicken broth
-salt to taste

Directions:
Combine oil and rice in a medium sized skillet over heat. Mix until browned.


Add onion and mix until it's transluscent. Add tomato and mix until they get wilty. Add broth and salt.


Bring to a boil. Cover and reduce heat. Let it cook for 20 minutes (or until it looks like it's done).



TACOS

Ingredients:
-ground beef
-onion powder
-garlic powder
-salt
-cumin
-cooking oil
-corn tortillas
-shredded lettuce
-grated cheese
-tomato for garnish
-sour cream (If you like that stuff. (I do.))

Directions:

Brown meat in a skillet with spices. There's no real measurement for this stuff- just eyeball it. (My hint: Add a good amount of salt and onion powder. Go the easiest on the garlic.) Save the cumin for the end, when the beef is just about cooked. (For those of you who've never cooked with cumin before, it smells like armpits. I'm serious.) When the meat is done cooking, drain all the fat because that shit's gross.

Stuff tortillas with the ground beef so you can fry them up, tastystyle. Magic TILTE Cooking Tip #1: Use a toothpick to keep your tacos closed while frying, that way the goods won't fall out.

Magic TILTE Cooking Tip #2: To see if your oil is hot enough for frying, dip the back end of a wooden spoon in it. If it sizzles and bubbles, it's ready to go. For reals.

Remove tacos from frying pan when they've reached desired crispiness. Place on a paper towel.

Top with cheese, lettuce, sour cream, and tomato.


BEANS

Ingredients:
-can of beans (Iused Rosarita Spicy Jalapeno Refried Beans)
-1/4 cup cheese

Directions:
Heat beans over medium flame. Add cheese. (This is a hard one to remember, you may want to print out the instructions for future reference.)


And there you have it. Invite your friends over and blow their minds with your extensive knowledge of fine Mexican cuisine. Or, just make all this food for yourself and watch a marathon of Law & Order SVU.


Boner'ppetite

(Thanks for the recipes, mom.)

Monkey Brains for Breakfast.

Have you ever tried Monkey Bread? It's the shit and I'm going to teach you how to make it.

Ingredients:
1/2 of a 34.5oz package of frozen cinnamon sweet roll dough (or the equivalent of 1.5 tubes of Pillsbury Cinnabon Roll Dough)
1/3 cup chopped pecans (I used pecan chips and just eyeballed how much I wanted to put)
1/4 melted butter or margarine (I suggest real butter because margarine's stupid)
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup caramel flavored ice cream topping
1 tbsp maple flavored syrup

Directions:
Place frozen rolls an inch apart on a large greased baking sheet. Cover rolls with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight. (I'm not sure how important this step is- my rolls didn't do shit overnight.)



Preheat oven to 350F. Grease your muffin tin (not to be confused with muffin top). Divide up pecans evenly and sprinkle in each cup. (I realized I accidentally skipped this step when I was about to put them into the oven. So I just used a spoon to lift each cup out one at a time and sprinkled some pecans in the bottom of each cup.)

Cut each roll into four pieces. (I messed up on this part too. I only cut my rolls in half. Which is why the final result looks like monkey brains. Sue me.) Dip pieces in butter, then sugar, and place two in each cup.


Drizzle any remaining butter and sugar over the tops. In a small bowl, combine caramel and syrup.


Drizzle over rolls.


Bake for about 20-22 minutes or until you can't wait any longer. Cool muffin tin on a wire rack for one minute. Place a large platter or cookie sheet on top of the muffin tin to flip them over without throwing caramel sauce all over your kitchen.


Save yourself the walk-time back to the kitchen by serving yourself 4 of these badboys. You can thank me later.

Original recipe can be found in the March edition of Anyone Can Cook magazine.

Wedding Planning Tips According to TILTE.

My friend, (What. We read each other's blogs. That means we're friends, okay.) Stephanie C from Seriously??... Reeeally?... Seriously?, just did a great entry about being engaged and planning a wedding and how ridiculously expensive everything in the wedding industry is. I know it's a total detour from what I'm supposed to be writing about, but I was inspired. Plus, this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want.


WEDDING INVITATIONS:
-Right from the getgo, the wedding industry welcomes you to the wonderful world of marital debt by punching you right where it counts: Your wallet. Plan on having guests at your wedding? Plan on spending an arm and a leg. And that's not even if you want to have stylish hipster invites either. I bought do-it-yourself invitations at Michael's and printed them all up on my home computer. They weren't very cool or special, but they got the job done. And considering all those badboys were going to be mailed away and then thrown away, it didn't seem to like it was worth busting the budget over.


BRIDAL PARTY:
-The more people in the wedding, the more gifts/ accessories/ bouquets/ boutonnieres (and even sometimes dresses/ suits) you have to pay for. Keep it small and affordable. And I use the word "affordable" loosely.


WEDDING ATTIRE:
-My wedding shoes were actually normal, "going out" shoes from a local department store. They were cheaper than all those foofoo lacey nightmares and I was able to wear them with many an outfit afterwards.

-Don't feel pressured to buy overpriced shit just because the staff at "Engaged and Lovely" looks down their nose at you. Shop around. Check out the cheesey looking quinceanera shop next to the grocery store. They'll probably have the exact veil you're looking for and it will only cost $30. Also, check out stores on ebay. My bff purchased her dress from a wedding shop in Korea (or something) and it was a fucking steal.

-Instead of paying $85+ to get your make up done for a one-time deal, make an appointment with Clinique or Estee Lauder or M.A.C. It may or may not end up costing a little more, but you'll walk away with a makeover, a tutorial, and new items to add to your arsenal. Department store makeup counters usually do makeovers for free as long as you purchase $X amount in product. If you have to pay the amount anyway, you might as well get some new shit that lasts a lot longer than one day.

-You know on those wedding shows where the bride gets a separate "party dress" for the reception? Forget that shit. It's expensive and since this is the only day you have to legitimately enjoy your wedding dress (unless you happen to wear it in a future vlog), you're going want to wear the hell out of it as long as possible.


FLOWERS:
-After pricing out some modest looking bouquets, I realized flowers are a fucking rip-off. The ones you want are never in season, which means you have to special order them from New Zealand or Holland or some other expensive exotic location. And don't forget, they'll be a wilted mess by the end of the night. Instead of taking on a part time job to pay for my bouquets, I found a local wholesaler. Sure, his office was a tiny shack on the side of a dirt road. Sure, I walked into a giant mac-truck sized freezer where he could have chopped me up into a million pieces and served me as TILTE soup. Did he have a huge selection of beautiful flowers at a fraction of the cost? Fuck yeah, he did.

CHAUFFUER:
-Driver services can be expensive. They usually have a flat rate for X amount of hours and then have the nerve to add on fees based on extra hours/ locations. My solution? If you see a cool vintage car driving down the road- honk, ask them to pull over, and then ask if they'd be interested in a sidejob. (Who wouldn't want tax-free cash for driving their own car around town for a few hours, and then getting a free meal too???) (Sidenote: I'm hoping one day someone will be dying for a Mazda3 on their wedding day and then I'll make some bigtime scrilla.) I did that for my wedding. My sister did that for her wedding fourteen years prior. It worked both times and saved us both a good chunk of money.


DJ:
-Try to find a DJ who has their own lighting. If it's not already covered by the event location, and your DJ doesn't have his own, you'll have to sign another contract with another vendor, which means another set of payments.

FOOD:
-Don't go overboard on cocktail hour hors d'oeuvres. It's only a small window of time and guests will probably be more interested in getting shitfaced then eating some Ritz crackers and cheese.

-Buy a cheaper off-menu item for your vendors' meals (like a burger or club sandwich). To a vender, a free meal is a good meal, no matter what.

-If you or your fiance have certain eating restrictions (or you want imported truffles on your risotto, but don't want to foot the bill for everyone else's), tell the catering manager you two want special meals. Having a set menu for all your guests based on your specific needs may end up being costly.

-Get a kids meal option for anyone under 13. It will be cheaper and kids haven't earned the right to be wined n' dined by filet mignon or lobster tail. Besides, they'll be much happier with chicken nuggs and fruit anyway.

BRIDAL PARTY GIFTS:
-Don't bother wasting the time or money on stereotypical "bridal party" gifts. They're dumb, nobody appreciates them, and they end up being sold for $0.25 at garage sales. Instead, buy your bridesmaids a mani/ pedi or pay for their "formal updo". This ensures they won't show up looking like an asshole and ruin all of your precious photos. -And you're still actually buying them something nice. Two birds, one stone. (Sorry, Maid of Honor, I don't think I ever actually paid you back. Lol?)

SOUVENIRS:
-It's great if you can afford to get personalized souvenirs designed by Andy Warhol himself. I couldn't. So instead, I ordered a bunch of fold-it-yourself boxes, along with my favorite type of See's candy to put inside. Another option would be to get those Candy Melts and make your own lollipops.

Like these things, only on a stick and in a plastic bag.

There you have it- TILTE's tips for keeping your wedding on budget. Happy planning and I hope your wedding days are beautiful!!

...Did I mention 75%* of all marriages end in divorce...?

*I totally made that statistic up. I think it's closer to 50%, but I'm not really sure.