2011: Let's Get This Party Sharted.

I don't know what it is about the new year that makes everyone decide to throw their money down the nearest 24Hr Fitness' toilet, eat nothing but water and dust (<-- that vid made me lose my shit the first time I saw it), and swear up and down how they're going to be a better person.

It seems like I've come across a bevy of emo blogs lately that are all about how shitty life is. I get it, sometimes life reeeeeally sucks. Mine included. But if there's one thing I don't want to read about when life hands me shit it's someone else's unhappiness. I lurk on other people's blogs because I like to read hilarious/ interesting/ gossipy shit and I assume that's why other people come to my blog. So I'm not going to bore you with sad tales from yesteryear.

Instead, I'm going to share my master plan for 2011 and why it's going to rock my fucking face off.

1. Being proactive about my guts. I'm taking vitamins, Lactaid, and Oil of Evening Primrose RELIGIOUSLY. "Oil of Evening Primrose? What's that for, TILTE?" Well, all symptoms seem to be pointing to endometriosis up in my shit and since I don't want to pay the $300 copay for a Colons Gone Wild video, I'm just going to assume that's what it is. Oil of Evening Primrose is supposed to help ward off that fucking monster that rides the party train all around my insides every month and makes me want to hari kari my brains out. So far it seems to be doing it's job. Fingers crossed, mother fuckers.

2. Staying on top of my blog. Shit happens all the time that I take pictures of and have a good chuckle to myself while saying "Ohhhhhh man! I can't wait to share that with my best friend, Blog!!!" And then one tivo'd episode of Judge Judy later and it's forever erased from my memory bank. This year I want to up my facebook group members, get some commentary going (don't be escared- I LOVE facebook comments) and DEFINITELY get my blog followers to the big fucking 100 milestone. (To all you secret lurkers- I see you stopping by. I see your visits from Prior Lake MN, Ridgecrest CA, Mcminnville TN. It's time to join the club already. Unless you've already joined. In which case, thanks for joining.)

3. Experimenting in the kitchen. No, I'm not referring to crazy shit like drugs or placentas. These past few months I've really enjoyed trying out new recipes. Some have been winners, some have been losers, and some have been WTF's, but I realized that I fucking love cooking, baking, eating, sharing, and repeating. This is going to be the year of TILTE in the Kitchen. In related news, it may also be the year of Small Kitchen Fires, Accidental Food Poisoning, and Antacids: A Hero in the Making.

2011, I'm ready for you, you sonuvabitch.


Marie a la Mode said...

These are great resolutions/goals! This post made me lol! Happy New Year! I'm ready for 2011, too...I think.

Julia said...

I love all your resolutions!!I tried to help with #2, Here's to you making 2011 your B@*#h!!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'd like just one year to resolve to eat MORE. I'd resolve to eat cake every day, drink soda till it's pouring out all of my orifices simultaneously, like a body hole fountain of fizz, because I'm THAT FULL OF SODA, not exercise at all, drink too much tequila, swear twice as much and laugh harder at people who fall over stuff and look comical.

Here's to a mean 2011! :)

Nikosmommy said...

I'm with you on wanting to read the hilarious/interesting/gossipy shit type blogs. While blogging can be a real outlet, I prefer to unload my woes on my in-real-life friends whenever possible.

Sorry to hear about your possible endometriosis. My BFF has it terrible but with being on the right birth control pill and a few surgical zaps (laparscopy style minor procedures) she's now actually expecting her first bambino. Though her periods have always been a biznatch. (yes that's totally unrelated and anecdotal, but don't let the endome get you down.)

Hopefully 2011 will be a great year. Here's to lots of cooking and blogging amazingness.

Wombat Central said...

You had me at sharted.

Kim said...

Why would you post such happy things when I just want to sit in the corner in the dark and cry? That was very inconsiderate of you and my intense inner turmoil. Now I am forced to turn my mouth into a funny C-shape like an upside-down umbrella.

D$mn you, TILTE.

Bonnie said...

These are some resolutions that I can support. Congratulations. You're the first person to whom I have said this.
Good luck fighting endometriosis. I have liver disease, and it's a bitch.
P.S. Who doesn't love Facebook comments!?!??!


Anonymous said...


Megs said...

Welcome to the wonderful world of endometriosis! It's so awesome you just want to shit (seriously).

Also let me know how the evening primrose works. That may be the one thing I HAVEN'T tried.

Kara said...

Oh man, that video just definitely made me lose my shit.

And I love your "resolutions" or whatever those are.

Please make pterodactyl poop for #3!!

Brooke said...

you're cute. i used to take EPO for severe breast pain. can't hurt. hope it helps!

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

MARIE- thanks, happy new year to you too! i don't know if i'm really REEEADY for 2011, but i'm taking that mother on like i am.

JULIA- thanks for posting my blog on your fb page!! i saw the two new adds from your connections. <3

ASSASSIN- this is the year. more cake and no exercising are DEFINITELY on my to-do list.

NIKO- YES, the periods are a biznatch! and... i'm not toooooo concerned with the baby business just yet, but i know it's something i may have to deal with in the future. guh.

WOMBAT- i will always have you at sharted.

KIM- sorry. i won't blog for a few days (which already breaks goal #2). feel free to be miserable for the next few days.

BONNIE- thanks for the vote of confidence. -and good luck to you and your liver!

MINA- i'm ready for my kettle korn, mr. demille.

MEGS- "it's so awesome you just want to shit." that's EXACTLY how i've felt about it. i'll have to message you about this stupid waste of my uterus.

KARA- the pterodactyl poop is my sister's signature recipe. i don't know if i could replicate it even if i tried.

BROOKE- i'm beginning to think EPO is like a woman's secret best friend. did it work for you?

otherworldlyone said...

1) I love you because you said "rock my fucking face off". It turns me on.

2)I resolve to stay on top of things too. ....

Deborah said...

More cooking! I love cooking as well! Too bad no one wants to eat it. (I'm lying; I like to eat it.)

Love your list of resolutions. I'm one of the club-resolutioners this year. What a phoney/phake I am.


jerrod said...

might have been the best resolution post i've ever read. and if that ending pic doesn't scream originality... well i don't know anything anymore.

well i have to stick around NOW.. ugh.

Sara Louise said...

Happy New Years to you! And cheers to tackling the sonuvabitch!

michael said...

I am glad you are cooking at home which saves $ for tea time. Who knew cooking can be fun AND great on the pocket book.

:::the more you know-star stripe:::

RN Mama said...

Happy New Year! That last picture made my whole year.

If you find easy, delicious recipes, that down start your kitchen on fire or make your asshole burn....then I'm in!

RN Mama said...

P.S. What's up with this comments must be approved by the blog owner bullshit?! Is the papparazi after you?

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Oh, MAN, I love this last picture!! You make me laugh! I'm going to join you in the kitchen thing. I've been ridiculously uncreative there of late, and it's time to turn that around! Good luck with your resolutions!!

StephanieC said...

I am keeping my fingers crossed like a good motherfucker. Just 'cause you asked.

Also? I hope the small kitchen fires stays at a relatively low number. Just sayin'.

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