Magician's Assistant

I know. I'm totally falling behind again. I'm a shitty friend, I'm never there when you need me, etc. But on the bright side, I got REALLY great deals on face cream, foot scrub and TWO shower gels at TJ Maxx today!!! Every cloud has a silver lining, right...?

I have an entry all lined up, but I just can't get myself to get to work on it. In lieu of this imaginary blog baby, I'm going to give you a recycled blog entry I wrote on my MySpace wall (shock, I know, MySpace??? Wtf is that???) back in June of '08.

Picture it, Sicily, 1928...

Keith and I decided to take our 20th holiday this month and go to Vegas again. We were fooled into thinking the Luxor is a nice hotel because the casino plays dance music that makes me want to wiggle and "stars" like Audrina from The Hills have their birthday parties there. Our room sucked and this is why: The window had greasy forehead prints on it, there was no full length mirror, and the 85 thread-count bedspread had a print that looked like Egyptian Where's Waldo.

(This is Audrina, not TILTE. I know, people make that mistake ALLLLLL the time. It's ridiculous, really.)

Other than the room, we actually had a really good time. We went to see the shark reef at Mandalay Bay and now I want to own a giant swimming turtle. We also went to the Titanic exhibit, which was totally fabulous. Despite it not having a cheezy photo opp for Keith to hold on to me as a lean out over a fake ocean, it was definitely something I would recommend going to. It had lots of cool photos, recreated ship rooms, and explained some really interesting stuff like the differences between the passenger classes. Most interesting fact at the exhibit: Most of the people who died from the Titanic crash actually died from freezing to death, not drowing. I want to become a Titanic aficionado.

The best part of the whole trip was Penn and Teller. Do you know who Penn and Teller are? They're the best magicians in the world because they don't try to wine and dine you with magic wands or clouds of smoke or Affliction t-shirts or goatees from 1994. Instead, they tell you exaaaaactly how they're going to trick you. AND.THEN.THEY.TRICK.YOU. And even then, it's still amazing. The highlight of the show was when Penn came down into the audience to pick an assistant from the crowd. Being the suave and sophisticated babe I am, Penn naturally fell in love with me and took me on stage to be the girl-who-stands-in-front-of-a-wall-while-magician-throws-daggers. I could see exactly what they were doing, but still, it was pretty radical that I was selected to be a magician's assistant in Vegas. And by I could see exactly what they were doing, I mean I shit my pants the second Penn made eye contact with me.

I have to admit, I was pretty fucking nervous when he stood me up against the painted female silouette on the wall... -Because she just happened to have one arm positioned up over her head... And I just happened to have the sweatiest armpits on the face of the planet. I thought my drippy pits were going to make both Penn and Teller do a vanishing act fosho. Luckily, Keith told me afterwards you couldn't see anything. After the whole show finished, I took a picture with P&T in the foyer and audience members kept coming up and telling me I did a great job. -Which probably means they could tell I looked nervous as hell. It doesn't really matter... I'm still a celeb and I'll be signing autographs after this blog is posted.

(Teller totes wanted to adopt me. I could tell.)

(Penn totes wanted to marry me. I could tell.)

You are friends with a bonerfied celebrity.


Wombat Central said...

Good recycle--I hadn't see that one. How cool! Was Teller creepy? Did he talk?

RIP, Boner. You were a true dude.

Kim said...

I am so jealous! That whole trip just sounds FANTASTIC.

Also, Penn and Teller are wearing matching striped vests and you are wearing a striped shirt: HELLO SIGN FROM THE GODS THAT YOU ARE MEANT TO BE A THREESOME! And take this shiszit on the road.

Coyote Rose said...

That is so awesome. I have never been to Vegas (that's the problem with living on the East Coast). Heck, i've never been to a magic show. I need to get out.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

Wombatz- Teller didn't really "talk", but he did whisper to me to like calm the fuck down or something. maybe it was more like "you're doing a great job", but i knew what he meant.

Kim- before the show started, the audience was instructed to go up on stage and sign in on big sheet of paper. i'm pretty sure that's when they made their decision. and obviously, they were bowled over by my natural stage presence.

Rose- i don't think i'm really THAT big on magic, en generale, but i'm gonna go out on a limb and say i loved their show.

Chrystal said...

Sweaty pits! LOL!

RN Mama said...

I'm still waiting for my autograph, I made good money for that on eBay!

LaceyRee said...

so jealous :) thanks for recycling the P&T story!

Alison said...

Penn and Teller?

Jealous. That is a pretty awesome Vegas story. And I agree, Teller really did want to adopt you.

Sara said...

I love this post! That's so awesome! I've never been to a Penn & Teller show, how fun!

PS, you could totally be Audrina's sister!

sleepyjane said...

OHMYGOSH! Myspace...those were the days. LOL

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

Chrystal- you know it's true. i have the sweatiest armpits this side of the everything.

RN- i love it when you feed my ego.

Lacey, Alison, & Sara- i'm glad you all enjoy P&T as much as i do. and major thanks for the audrina comment. i'm pretty sure (if anything) i look like a mentally handicapped version of her, but i'll take what i can get.

Jane- i know. myspace is sooooo 2005.

pomegranate101 said...

I just got back from Vegas like three weeks ago. The pool at the Mirage and Ceasar's Palace were so awesomepants. All the statues in Ceasar's palace actually really freak me out. I have a phobia :)

Caleb said...

Cool! I hear Penn is hilarious. Or is it the other one? I always get them mixed up. If they changed their act to "Hobo and Scheister" I probably wouldn't make that mistake.

PS Myspace? Bwahahahaha!!!

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