The Story of TILTE, as Told by TILTE (AKA It's My Birthday So I'm Making This One All About Me).

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I'm pretty sure it's going to be a bust. This is why: It's on a Sunday, which means A) It will get overlooked by coworkers and B) People are either hungover or doing dumb family shit.

I guess that's all fine and well, it's not like it's a special-number birthday or anything. I'm going to be the magical age of 32, which means absolutely nothing in the spectrum of "special birthdays".

I always fancy myself as being much more important than I really am and usually like to celebrate with "Birthday Week", a time in which I don't acknowledge anyone else's plans and typically fall asleep elbows deep in a bag of taco flavored Doritos. (Just kidding, taco flavor only came out a year ago.) (It's usually nacho flavored.)

So if you don't have anything better to do, head over to my Facebook page and say Happy Birthday! Or ask me any question you want! I'll answer it as long as it's not creepy.



For now, I'm going to tell you the story of TILTE, based on photos found on my Facebook, Myspace, and Photobucket accounts.


Once upon a time, TILTE was born. Actually, it wasn't really "once upon a time" so much as it was actually April 1, 1980. She had a head full of crazy fucked up hair that is an embarrassment even to this day. Thank God it didn't take long for her to get cute.



She did all the usual kid stuff like hoard neighborhood cats and sneak bites out of the butter stick when no one was looking.

She made it all the way through kid'dom without ever breaking a bone or getting majorly busted for anything.

In high school, she studied French and spent her free time making collages and reading Choose Your Own Adventure books doing super cool things like riding in convertables and hanging out with celebrities.

She also went to prom with her cousin.

Although I can't put my finger on why she could never get a date.

In college, she dyed her hair all kinds of ridiculous colors that were completely unnatural for someone of her ethnicity (What is her ethnicity anyway...?).



There was also a lot of this...





After college, she backpacked through all the important countries in Europe.



She liked it so much, she made the move to London.


And married a Brit.


...And then divorced a Brit.


Along the way, she was blessed with the beautiful and talented, Biscuit the WonderDog.


She spent several years working in a dental office.



And then someone very special came into her life.


And brought along one of these.



And now her days are filled with things like this:


...and this:



...and this.


And she wouldn't have it any other way.

The end.


Wasn't that a good story?

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Styrofoam Apple Slices: They're Actually Pretty Good.

Have you seen these?



A coworker of mine purchased them for the office. And in my bear-like starving stupor, I decided to try them out.

According to the package, they're:

"Fuji apple slices with cinnamon"

-and-

"100% real fruit"

Which is usually not my style, so I was pretty skeptical that it would be settle my rage-a-holic hunger.

But surprisingly, they were really pretty good.

Just like the package states, it's just fruit. There's no fireworks or laser beams inside. And the texture is a lot like what I imagine styrofoam to be like if I were to eat it. It's light as air. Also, within a few seconds of putting it in your mouth, the consistency changes to a marshmallowy blob. (Is that how all freeze-dried food is? It's kind of cool at first, but I can't imagine being able to fill up on this stuff. Astronauts must starve when they're in outer space.)



I know I'm doing a horrible job at selling these things, but it's not like Kirkland is paying me or anything. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I actually DID like them.

Has anyone else tried these? What did you think of them?

Boner'ppetite.

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What's That? An AWARD You Say???

Back when I was relatively new to the blogging world, I received several awards and memes from fellow bloggers.

It's been a while since I've received any awards.

I don't think it was because my writing was any better then than it is now (If you think my stories are stupid now, just take a look through my archive. You'll have a fucking field day.), but I think it had more to do with my newness. Now I'm too old to be considered a "new" blogger, and I'm not famous enough to be considered a "real" blogger. I'm just lost somewhere in the middle, with millions of other bloggers. Which is probably why I haven't gotten any awards lately. I mean, that's the only logical reason. It can't be my writing, that's for sure.

UNTIL!

Until two weeks ago when The Number Whisperer from Original Thoughts of an Unoriginal Thinker laid The Liebster Award on me.



If you're not familiar with The Liebster Award, it's specifically for bloggers with less than 200 followers. It's a great idea because the point is to spread the good word about our little-known pearls of wisdom.

And if you're not familiar with The Number Whisperer, she's my sister. And I don't mean like "Yo girl, you my sista!" I mean, literally. She's my sister.

She also happens to be a great writer. And if you follow her blog, you may even catch a story that has yours truly in it.

She also happens to have three boys and a dog. Which is basically like comic gold right at your fingertips. And as is that weren't enough, she takes pictures like this:


Make sure to add her to your blogroll/ feed/ reader. It's worth it.

With that said- thanks, Number Whisperer!

So, here are the instructions for the award:
1. Thank the person who gave me the award and link back to them.
2. Nominate up to five others for the award.
3. Let them know via comment on their blog.
4. Post the award on your blog.
5. Bonus step: Follow this link and at least consider signing up for the A-Z Challenge. It's a great way to find new and interesting blogs, have people find your blog, and meet new people.

My Liebster-awarded bloggers are!:

Attracted to Shiny Things - FUNNY writings about family life.
Musings of a Mad Woman - Entertaining, funny, AND we're actually friends IRL!
The Sky is Falling... - Everyday life stuff and she loves rescue dogs as much as I do.
Kazoo - Funny everyday life stuff.
Six-Fingered Monkey - Funny everyday life stuff written by a MAN.

As you can tell, I really like the funny blogs. I'm mostly a one-trick pony when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Make sure to check them all out.

Happy readings!

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"What is TILTE Doing Right Now...?"

ALL THIS...

Potato-leek mashed potatoes, Shepherd's Pie, vegan corned beef and cabbage, and Rosemary-potato loaf with Kerrygold Dubliner cheese.

Desserts.

Buffet line.

Green beer.

An early St. Patrick's Day feast.

Boner'ppetite.

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Have You Heard About Marilyn Hagerty?

Marilyn Hagerty is an 85 year-old woman who works as a freelance writer. She wrote a review for her local newspaper about a new restaurant that had recently opened in her hometown of Grand Forks, North Dakota.

The restaurant was Olive Garden.

Hagerty doesn't care about going to hotspots where she can look cool or impress. She eats where she wants.

And she also manages to throw in a jab about "bloggers" in her interview with Today.

:::swoon:::

This woman is my hero.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

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Facebook: The Most Annoying Website Ever.

I'm irritable and I'm on week two of an endless sea of mind-numbing work at my job. I feel like talking shit and the easiest prey right now seems to be Facebook.

I'm sure you've all seen plenty of other bloggers or writers talk about how annoying Facebook can be. And I'm here to tell you, this post probably isn't going to be any more interesting/ funny/ enlightening/ heart-warming than those others.

But I feel like venting about that stupid site. So that's what I'm going to do.

Everyone has seen a status or 20 that made them ask "Why am I even friends with (insert name here) still...?" Or "Ugh, I wish (insert name here) would quit with these stupid mother fucking statuses already".

Here are a few examples of Facebook friends who make my eyes roll double-time.

1. The Cryptic Poster: "I don't know why I even bother..."
What the fuck does this even mean?? If you don't want people to be all up in your business, don't post that shit on Facebook. And if you want people to be all "Ohhhh, what's wrong sweet baby girlfriend rock-star-of-the-world???" then just say what's going on in the first place. Or better yet, call someone. Human contact is great for that kind of stuff.

2. The Illiterate Fool: "If your going by the skool later on, hit me up becuz I'll be going there n-e-wayz." (That sentence actually took a lot of thought to come up with.)
I get that people want to be cute and use text slang. It's not cute. So quit.

3. The One Trick Pony: This is the person who just keeps posting the same damn photo over and over and over and over again. One might be at the beach, another might be at a club. Whatever. It's the same head tilt, the same smile, the same Paris Hilton stance with maybe a costume change or a different buddy next to them. OR! Better yet, and this basically applies to every teenager I've ever seen on Facebook, the backwards-camera move. These typically include shots from the neck up and (if you're lucky) duck lips and giant anime style eyes. Now, I'm the first to admit that I've taken many backwards-camera photos, but I try to minimize the assholeyness and I definitely don't make it my signature look.

4. The Radical Thinker: "By not speaking out, you're part of the 1%!!!"
I don't even know if that example makes sense because I made it up and clearly I'm not a radical thinker. My point here is that I get it, you're super over the top passionate about something. Great. But that doesn't mean you have to "Like" or repost every fucking anti-religion or pro-breastfeeding-till-the-age-of-82 article you come across. And I know what you're going to say: "TILTE, that's what Facebook is for- to express our likes and interests" and yes, you're right. But I'd like to ask the following question: If we ran into each other at Target (the only store I really ever go to these days), would we even be talking about this radical topic? If you answered no, then your Facebook statuses probably sound loco to anyone who isn't as radical as you. (And I know I'm a hypocrite because I post articles about adopting pets and saving lives, but I at least try to do it very sparingly, OKAY.)

4. The Scheduler: "Going for a run, then washing the car, then going to the beach, then going to work at 5pm."
Oh really? No one cares.

5. The Bragger: "Just got another raise AND was offered a position with the next president of the United States!"
This person is constantly updating their statuses with accomplishments that are secretly filled with smugness and superiority. You know the ones.

6. The Gatherer: This person "Friends" every person they've ever met in their life. Shared a cab with someone? Become friends on Facebook. Handed off your shopping cart at the grocery store? Become friends on Facebook.

7. The Non-Commenter: This person is actively ON Facebook, posting status updates left and right. But they never comment on any of your statuses, photos, or activities. They're basically either stalking or hating.

8. The Fake-Lover: "I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world and I love him so much!!!!"
My theory about people who are 24-7 ooey gooey about their significant other? It's fake. And transparent.

Just kidding. Only sometimes.

Have I left any out?

Feel free to add them in the comments below.

Also, if any of you are actually friends with me on Facebook and have secretly been annoyed with my posts, take this chance to unfriend me with no hard feelings. Seriously, a Get Out of Jail Free card. (Unless we're friends through my TILTE page, in which case I beg you to still be my friend.)

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Look-a-Like.

My coworkers think Amir and I could be brother and sister.

This is me.


This is Amir.




At least he's funny.

See more at CollegeHumor

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A Surprise Party at Work! (Unfortunately, Not For Me)

Last week we celebrated a surprise birthday party for our Creative Director.

It was about a month in planning. And it was really hard to keep a secret because we're an office full of loud mouths. Also, I get really stressed out when it comes down to the wire and I always worry that surprise parties are going to suck and the guest of honor is going to get all down in the dumps because their friends don't know how to throw parties.

Luckily this one went over without a hitch.

On the day in question, one of our co-founders took the birthday boy out for a (fake) "business development" meeting. He had previously emailed him a brief rundown of this new (fake) client- working with a local fitness company who was unveiling some new (fake) workout product. In theory it was perfect because it was a great excuse to get him to the beach- where our surprise party would be waiting.

Only the birthday boy was actually really stoked on this new (fake) potential client. Which made me cringe because it probably meant he was going to be fucking saaaaad when he saw his surprise party, instead of a new badass product, waiting at the beach.

This reaction gave me nervous diarrhea for two days.

All day long, we had a private group chat going that looked something like this: "When are they leaving?? Are they going soon? I'm getting nervous!! I'm ready for the party!!" The second our co-founder and Creative Director left the office, the wheels were in motion. Everyone took turns quickly signing his gift and we all zoomed up to Malibu. After stopping to pick up some pizzas, I made it to the beach about 10 minutes before the big surprise. In that time, we set up a card table, put the food and drinks out, and laid down some picnic sheets.

Everyone was on high alert for when they would be pulling up. When we saw them cluelessly drive by, we all hid behind a minivan.

As they parked and made their way over in our direction, we jumped out and yelled "SURPRISE!!!"

The birthday boy played it pretty cool and didn't seem to shocked, despite his allegations that he had no idea what we had planned. I bet he was just sad over the realization that his new client had just gone down the tubes.

This is how we spent the rest of the day.

Cupcakes courtesy of SusieCakes

Pizza and pasta salad courtesy of Blue Table

Happy Birthday!

This is my favorite shot of the day. It makes me laugh every time.

"Let's open up this pit!"

Cocktails courtesy of The Sunset Restaurant

It turned out to be a success!

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Another Endometriosis Post. I.e. Men, Look Away.

Several of you have asked me to keep you posted on the progress of my acupuncture visits.

By now, I should have had three visits. I actually only made it to two, but I'll get to that later.

I'm not sure if it's the acupuncture itself or the Chinese medicine I've been taking, but SOMETHING has made my non-period time MUCH better. Almost immediately after starting my first session, I noticed I wasn't feeling super exhausted all the time, I wasn't feeling nauseous all the time, and I didn't have the pains in my back that had been gnawing away at my left flank for the past X months. There's no question about it, I've felt considerably better since starting the visits with my acupuncturist.

However...

I've since started and ended my last cycle, or as I prefer to call it "Hell Week" (HW for short) and, MUCH to my dismay, it's been a much different story.

Once my insides kick-started this endo party, pretty much everything went back to normal in the unbearable department. -Which is why I couldn't make it to my last appointment. Extreme gut-wrenching, bowel-twisting pain on and off for three days straight. The toilet action was right on par for HW. Which was really great when it had me up in the bathroom for 30 minutes at a time in the middle of the night all three nights. The only difference between pre-acupuncture HW and post-acupuncture HW is that I had no back pain this whole time. Which is actually pretty surprising now that I'm thinking about it. That's usually a guaranteed party-killer. So I guess that's one more point for the Traditional Chinese Medicine side.

After going through both of those experiences, is it worth it?

In my opinion, yes. If I hadn't been feeling any difference and was getting a load of shit from my acupuncturist about how it will happen over time, I would probably feel differently. But I felt better right from day one. And despite the letdown I felt during HW, I think it makes up for it during the other three weeks of the month.

Since someone has already asked me about the name of the pills I'm taking (and also since I'm feeling generous because it's actually really expensive to keep getting this ish straight from the acupuncturist), I'll tell you I've been taking Shao Fu Zhu Yu Tang. Like I said, I'm not sure if it's been the pills or the acupuncture that's been helping me, so don't sue me if you run out, buy a Costco-size supply of them, and nothing happens. Also, don't sue me if you start taking them and you die. I'm no doctor. I'm not prescribing shit.

Some other semi-related stuff going on...

I went for an ultrasound a few weeks back. The ovarian cyst that's been chillin' like a villain over the past several years has grown. Disgusting, right? I know. I'm totally grossed out. They also found that I now have two "tiny, tiny" uterine fibroids, "but it's nothing to be concerned about", according to my doc. Fuck you. I TELL YOU WHEN IT'S TIME TO BE CONCERNED, GOT IT??!

After being laid-up over the past few days, I made my way back into work today. Within 10 minutes of walking in, my creative director gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. Which was precisely when my face crumbled like bleu cheese and I started crying like a mega psycho. That was a pretty special moment.

I'm not really sure why I started crying, it just happened. And I couldn't stop it. For like an hour. While sitting at my desk. I guess the best explanation is that endometriosis really wears you out, physically and emotionally. Not to mention, it's kind of like the hormone capital of the body. So when things are out of whack there, they're probably out of whack everywhere. Like your brain. And your eyeballs. That's why they cry. All on their own. Even though you're like "GET A FUCKING GRIP, EYEBALLS!! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!?"

In other nonsense...

Boyfriend and I watched "Behind the Scenes: The Go-Gos" last night. It was pretty interesting. And all day I've had this song stuck in my head.



I also learned that Belinda Carlisle grew up like 20 miles away from me.

Weird.

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Recipe: Baked Ziti with Ground Beef

Did I tell you I'm ALLLLLL over this whole "grass-fed beef" business?

I am.

I get it from my local Farmer's Market. And as cheap as I am, it's totally worth the $6.00 per pound.

What's the difference between grass-fed beef and regular-ass grocery store beef, you may be asking.

Well, regular-ass grocery store beef was probably fed a lot of corn (which bulks up the animal, but doesn't really do much in the taste/ health department), as well as anything else under the sun (including bedding and feces) and may or may not have been pumped full of hormones or antibiotics.

Now, I'm not one to get on my soapbox about eating healthy. Obviously. Because I'm actually probably the worst eater on the planet.

However, grass-fed beef actually TASTES so much better than store-bought beef. The color of the raw beef is much richer, there's absolutely NO scent to it when you open the package, and the second you start cooking it, it smells hearty and tasty. Not like rotting meat, which is something I've noticed with grocery store meat. Also, according to a bunch of endometriosis shit I've read, it's highly advised to eat organic foods because all the synthetic hormones in non-organic foods can aggravate the devil in my uterus. (Actually, it's even more highly advised that I completely cut meat out all together.) (Not going to happen.)

Anyway.

We picked up a package of grass-fed beef yesterday that was begging to be made for dinner tonight. Since I didn't have any specific cravings, I decided to consult my cooking sidekick, the Internet. Low and behold, I came across this recipe.


Baked Ziti with Ground Beef

INGREDIENTS
1 lb. ground beef
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper
1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomato, undrained
1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1 small garlic clove, minced
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
8 oz of ziti, cooked and drained
2 cups shredded mozzarella



DIRECTIONS
Saute ground beef, onion, and bell pepper in a large skillet until onion is tender and beef is lightly browned.



Drain fat/ liquid. Add tomatoes, sauce, basil, oregano, garlic, salt, and pepper. Mix well.



Add ziti and one cup of mozzarella; mix well. Transfer to 2.5qt casserole dish. Top with remaining cheese.



Bake at 350 for 30 minutes.


NOTE:
-This casserole was a little salty for both me and Boyfriend. Next time, I'd take it down to 1 teaspoon of salt.
-We added freshly grated parmesan on top before it went into the oven. I like to think that made it more "Italian" and "delicious".

Boner'ppetite.

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