Facebook: The Most Annoying Website Ever.

I'm irritable and I'm on week two of an endless sea of mind-numbing work at my job. I feel like talking shit and the easiest prey right now seems to be Facebook.

I'm sure you've all seen plenty of other bloggers or writers talk about how annoying Facebook can be. And I'm here to tell you, this post probably isn't going to be any more interesting/ funny/ enlightening/ heart-warming than those others.

But I feel like venting about that stupid site. So that's what I'm going to do.

Everyone has seen a status or 20 that made them ask "Why am I even friends with (insert name here) still...?" Or "Ugh, I wish (insert name here) would quit with these stupid mother fucking statuses already".

Here are a few examples of Facebook friends who make my eyes roll double-time.

1. The Cryptic Poster: "I don't know why I even bother..."
What the fuck does this even mean?? If you don't want people to be all up in your business, don't post that shit on Facebook. And if you want people to be all "Ohhhh, what's wrong sweet baby girlfriend rock-star-of-the-world???" then just say what's going on in the first place. Or better yet, call someone. Human contact is great for that kind of stuff.

2. The Illiterate Fool: "If your going by the skool later on, hit me up becuz I'll be going there n-e-wayz." (That sentence actually took a lot of thought to come up with.)
I get that people want to be cute and use text slang. It's not cute. So quit.

3. The One Trick Pony: This is the person who just keeps posting the same damn photo over and over and over and over again. One might be at the beach, another might be at a club. Whatever. It's the same head tilt, the same smile, the same Paris Hilton stance with maybe a costume change or a different buddy next to them. OR! Better yet, and this basically applies to every teenager I've ever seen on Facebook, the backwards-camera move. These typically include shots from the neck up and (if you're lucky) duck lips and giant anime style eyes. Now, I'm the first to admit that I've taken many backwards-camera photos, but I try to minimize the assholeyness and I definitely don't make it my signature look.

4. The Radical Thinker: "By not speaking out, you're part of the 1%!!!"
I don't even know if that example makes sense because I made it up and clearly I'm not a radical thinker. My point here is that I get it, you're super over the top passionate about something. Great. But that doesn't mean you have to "Like" or repost every fucking anti-religion or pro-breastfeeding-till-the-age-of-82 article you come across. And I know what you're going to say: "TILTE, that's what Facebook is for- to express our likes and interests" and yes, you're right. But I'd like to ask the following question: If we ran into each other at Target (the only store I really ever go to these days), would we even be talking about this radical topic? If you answered no, then your Facebook statuses probably sound loco to anyone who isn't as radical as you. (And I know I'm a hypocrite because I post articles about adopting pets and saving lives, but I at least try to do it very sparingly, OKAY.)

4. The Scheduler: "Going for a run, then washing the car, then going to the beach, then going to work at 5pm."
Oh really? No one cares.

5. The Bragger: "Just got another raise AND was offered a position with the next president of the United States!"
This person is constantly updating their statuses with accomplishments that are secretly filled with smugness and superiority. You know the ones.

6. The Gatherer: This person "Friends" every person they've ever met in their life. Shared a cab with someone? Become friends on Facebook. Handed off your shopping cart at the grocery store? Become friends on Facebook.

7. The Non-Commenter: This person is actively ON Facebook, posting status updates left and right. But they never comment on any of your statuses, photos, or activities. They're basically either stalking or hating.

8. The Fake-Lover: "I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world and I love him so much!!!!"
My theory about people who are 24-7 ooey gooey about their significant other? It's fake. And transparent.

Just kidding. Only sometimes.

Have I left any out?

Feel free to add them in the comments below.

Also, if any of you are actually friends with me on Facebook and have secretly been annoyed with my posts, take this chance to unfriend me with no hard feelings. Seriously, a Get Out of Jail Free card. (Unless we're friends through my TILTE page, in which case I beg you to still be my friend.)


Erin said...

Cryptic posters make me batshit crazy. Schedulers are the next worst -- they just NEED for everyone to know everything they've managed to accomplish that day. I would also add parents who talk about their kids potty training. Johnny made poopy on the toilet! Awesome. STFU.

Pam said...

The worst is the combo post! Where you get the recap of the schedule with a brag and then thrown in some sort of rant about why everyone should not be doing (insert radical thinking statement here). Takes up half my newsfeed!

mina2 said...

you left out baby braggers- i am sure that nobody cares that nate pooped the other day, but sometimes i feel like sharing it with fbland.

mina2 said...

okay, sorry, erin already posted that about baby braggers so let me just mention unborn baby braggers...my zygote just did this, my zygote just did that. i don't care if your zygote wrote a haiku.

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

Other things I take offense to are people who's Facebook profile photo is their ultrasound (please, I don't want to see this), people who's Facebook profile is a picture of their kid, people who share the BARE belly preggers bathroom picture every week, people who post EVERY 20 MINUTES, and I second your irritation of people who list out their to-do list via Facebook as well as people who are WAY too over the top about how much they love their significant other. They clearly weren't hugged as children.

Man, I feel better all of a sudden.

Sarah Lindahl said...

I loved this! And your commentors too. Hilarious! The cryptic people are the ones who bug me the most. Wa wa, you have EMOTIONS about something but won't tell anyone what it is. Or when they say, "Today is the day! Cross your fingers!" and then if you ask what is up they say, "We're not telling anyone yet." Well, I sure as hell am not going to cross my fingers for something I don't even know what I'm crossing my fingers for. Maybe today is the day they are going to murder me. Lately my peeve is the people who post pictures of sayings. What is that about. Who gives a rat's ass. Oh! And the ones who start out with "Let's see how many of you are paying attention..." and then tell some random shit and then say that you should copy and paste for your status. Don't tell me what to write for my status, and don't admonish me for not reading your stupid updates.

Whew! That felt good!

aki! said...

I'm not even sure I have words to express how much I agree.

Everything on the list is so, so, so true.

Mandy_Fish said...

People who have political opinions that differ from mine.


No, I'm completely serious. I block myself from seeing any of their status updates. I also block anyone who annoys me. I guess that's why I can say I love Facebook.

Simone Says... said...

i use it to promote the shit out of my writing and sometimes my music - so i'm pretty sure that bugs a ton of people. but i don't care. unfriend me if it bothers you, or unsubscribe.

facebook is so interesting to me. i love hearing what my friends are up to and i love getting validation on my blog posts. i don't hate it. BUT i totally see your point of view and agree with the different types of "posters". quite hilarious.

The Sweetest said...

You also left out the Workout Poster: "Just got back from an 11 mile run and now heading to the gym!" or "CrossFit has changed my life!" WTF is Crossfit, anyway?

MRanthrope said...

I can sense the genuine passion/hatred in this post and made it all the more entertaining. Highlight of the post and probably my day:

"sweet baby girlfriend rockstar of the world."


Coyote Rose said...

I agree with everything you have said here. These people are sooooo annoying and I swear to never be one of them.

Also I hate facebook for other reasons right now, but not enough to unjoin the site (It rules my life!).

Bigger than Average Mom said...

I absolutely hate preaching the Lord's word or Bible Thumping on FB. I'm happy for everybody that has faith in their life, but I'm also happy with my life and don't need to be converted.

And... I hate people that are only promoting their work. "Buy this, it will change your life!" "Do you need a job, then work with me." If I wanted a job, I wouldn't be looking for it on FB.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Great post. So true... Sadly, I an totally #6... likely because deep down I want to be loved. Kidding... sort of. The thing is... with all the douchebags on Facebook, us normal folks should really go on strike and delete our accounts... but I can't do that. I've tried, but I can't. Does that make me a douche?

jerrod said...

breast feeders. what about picky eaters or those that don't shower an acceptable amount of times during a week?

I'm painting a clear picture here.

sherri said...

I am "friends" with all of these fools you've listed here.

Kara said...

This. Is. The most brilliant piece of writing since the Harry Potter series!!

Wombat Central said...

Yes, the mushy lovers must stop the FB affairs. Gag.

The one that bugs me most is the angry liberated woman who has strong opinions on all things woman-related and feels we all need to know about it.

Nikosmommy said...

Yes yes yes! U hit the nail on the head perfectly....all true.

Megs said...

But without Facebook I can't re-enact high school whenever the mood strikes me...

Also, I am one of those people who is actively on facebook but doesn't comment very much on other people's statuses. I feel like it's more that I am waiting until I have something worthwhile to post to their status that doesn't sound stupid. By the time I come up with something we are 17 status updates past the one I finally have a decent response to. So...

Lorraine said...

Everyone should bookmark this post and then run their statuses by this list. People of the world: DOES ANY OF THIS APPLY?



Twisted Susan said...

Serves you right for spending time on Facebook.
Really, does anyone ever write anything interesting or funny?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Allow me to begin the slow clap!

I hate that fucking site, which is why I'm not on it. 99.9% of people saying things on Facebook are saying the most boring things on Earth to anyone not themselves.

aziasaidwhat said...

If all your posts are this hilarious, I will become a faithful follower- because this is fucking awesome.

ChristinaC said...

Don't forget about the negative nellies out there! The chick that has to complain every day that her damn head hurts, that her kids are bad, that every day is a bad day, etc. The FML posts are super annoying!!

Deborah said...


I'm very very new to FB and was nearly immediately bitch-slapped by a young un I work with.

Yes, I got a cryptic wall message. I had to unsub.

My daughters both said, "Momma, we warned you."


I am loving Words with Friends though. Addicted!

you are not annoying :)

Colleen @ Mommy Panda said...

I hate people who pimp their blog fb page (wait wait wait) for like a week, and THEN post every single blog entry on BOTH the blog's fb page AND their own...why would I "like" your blog's page then? You're spamming all of your friends who don't care to read your blog!!!

A Lady Reveals Nothing said...

I hate it when people use Facebook as a forum to announce publicly to the world that they're leaving Facebook. And why.

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