I'm sure you've all seen plenty of other bloggers or writers talk about how annoying Facebook can be. And I'm here to tell you, this post probably isn't going to be any more interesting/ funny/ enlightening/ heart-warming than those others.
But I feel like venting about that stupid site. So that's what I'm going to do.
Everyone has seen a status or 20 that made them ask "Why am I even friends with (insert name here) still...?" Or "Ugh, I wish (insert name here) would quit with these stupid mother fucking statuses already".
Here are a few examples of Facebook friends who make my eyes roll double-time.
1. The Cryptic Poster: "I don't know why I even bother..."
What the fuck does this even mean?? If you don't want people to be all up in your business, don't post that shit on Facebook. And if you want people to be all "Ohhhh, what's wrong sweet baby girlfriend rock-star-of-the-world???" then just say what's going on in the first place. Or better yet, call someone. Human contact is great for that kind of stuff.
2. The Illiterate Fool: "If your going by the skool later on, hit me up becuz I'll be going there n-e-wayz." (That sentence actually took a lot of thought to come up with.)
I get that people want to be cute and use text slang. It's not cute. So quit.
3. The One Trick Pony: This is the person who just keeps posting the same damn photo over and over and over and over again. One might be at the beach, another might be at a club. Whatever. It's the same head tilt, the same smile, the same Paris Hilton stance with maybe a costume change or a different buddy next to them. OR! Better yet, and this basically applies to every teenager I've ever seen on Facebook, the backwards-camera move. These typically include shots from the neck up and (if you're lucky) duck lips and giant anime style eyes. Now, I'm the first to admit that I've taken many backwards-camera photos, but I try to minimize the assholeyness and I definitely don't make it my signature look.
4. The Radical Thinker: "By not speaking out, you're part of the 1%!!!"
I don't even know if that example makes sense because I made it up and clearly I'm not a radical thinker. My point here is that I get it, you're super over the top passionate about something. Great. But that doesn't mean you have to "Like" or repost every fucking anti-religion or pro-breastfeeding-till-the-age-of-82 article you come across. And I know what you're going to say: "TILTE, that's what Facebook is for- to express our likes and interests" and yes, you're right. But I'd like to ask the following question: If we ran into each other at Target (the only store I really ever go to these days), would we even be talking about this radical topic? If you answered no, then your Facebook statuses probably sound loco to anyone who isn't as radical as you. (And I know I'm a hypocrite because I post articles about adopting pets and saving lives, but I at least try to do it very sparingly, OKAY.)
4. The Scheduler: "Going for a run, then washing the car, then going to the beach, then going to work at 5pm."
Oh really? No one cares.
5. The Bragger: "Just got another raise AND was offered a position with the next president of the United States!"
This person is constantly updating their statuses with accomplishments that are secretly filled with smugness and superiority. You know the ones.
6. The Gatherer: This person "Friends" every person they've ever met in their life. Shared a cab with someone? Become friends on Facebook. Handed off your shopping cart at the grocery store? Become friends on Facebook.
7. The Non-Commenter: This person is actively ON Facebook, posting status updates left and right. But they never comment on any of your statuses, photos, or activities. They're basically either stalking or hating.
8. The Fake-Lover: "I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world and I love him so much!!!!"
My theory about people who are 24-7 ooey gooey about their significant other? It's fake. And transparent.
Have I left any out?
Feel free to add them in the comments below.
Also, if any of you are actually friends with me on Facebook and have secretly been annoyed with my posts, take this chance to unfriend me with no hard feelings. Seriously, a Get Out of Jail Free card. (Unless we're friends through my TILTE page, in which case I beg you to still be my friend.)