This past weekend, I saw Oz the Great and Powerful.
...Allow me to save you the $17 per IMAX ticket.
WARNING: This post is one big spoiler.
The movie starts out in Kansas.
Of course, he gets stuck in a giant tornado. Oz pleads for his life and promises to be less of a conniving slimeball.
The balloon suddenly makes a safe landing!
But it's not in Kansas anymore.
I'd never noticed how similar-looking James Franco and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are. My eyeballs give them both two thumbs up.
Mila: "Hold me." Oz: "Girl, I got things to do."
Mila's sister is the evil-yet-strikingly beautiful, Rachel Weisz and she's dressed like a cross between Ms. Scarlette and Mrs. Peacock, from Clue.
"Bitches better recognize."
She totally plays on Mila's single-white-female feelings for Oz, and makes Mila feel like an asshole for falling in love with such a trickster. Rachel sends Oz out into the world to steal all the specialness from Glinda, AKA Michelle Williams, who Oz thinks is a bad witch, but is really a good witch.
"I'm so sweet and anglo-saxon looking. Poof!"
Glinda convinces Oz that she's good and begs for his help in defending the land of Oz from the raven-haired sisters. And due to some stupid "No killing" rule in the land of Oz, Oz (the magician, not the land) needs to come up with a way to basically make Mila and Rache shit themselves in terror and willfully retreat.
By this point, Mila's gone fucking insane with broken-hearted misery and her sister tricks her into biting a poison apple. The apple turns Mila into a wicked, old witch and then things get REALLY ugly because Mila's like "OH HAILS NO. I'M GOING TO WRECK SHOP ON OZ'S STUPID ASS."
Hell hath no fury like a single lady.
Glinda begs Oz for his help and he totally pulls through. With help from the villagers, he builds a giant projector, which will shine his face into the night sky and make Mila and Rachel run for the hills. The whole thing goes off without a hitch and Oz's face is seen floating in a cloud of smoke. Rachel tries to run away, but Glinda goes all girl-fight and rips her necklace off. Without the magical necklace, Rachel turns into a balding, haggard mess and looks like Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
The sisters fly away, or something, I don't really even remember at this point because I thought the movie was a little boring. But Glinda is happy and Oz is happy and all of the hipster-extras who played villagers are happy and that's pretty much how it ends.
Did you see the movie? What did you think?