So... I Have Some News to Share.

You know how I'm always complaining about how I feel shitty and my insides are all kinds of awful?

Well, there's something I haven't quite let you in on.

And no, it's not that I'm pregnant.

I'm actually FAR from pregnant.

Unless you count endometriosis as "pregnant".

In which case, I'm about 60 months pregnant with the endo-baby from hell.

So, what's been going on (kind of) behind the scenes is that I've been playing scavenger hunt with doctors, trying to get to the root of my health problem. In the hopes that we can kill that fucking root dead.

Long story short: I'm going in for surgery on Monday.


Long story long: It's not exactly a simple little "endo removal" process.

You see, typically an endo removal procedure is around an hour'ish long, it's done laparoscopically (3-5 tiny holes made through the stomach), it's outpatient, and you're approved to go back to work the next day. Shoulder pain can occur due to all the carbon dioxide they pump into you. Over-the-counter pills aren't great, but they get the job done.

In my particular situation, (and this is where all of the male readers get hysterical blindness and quickly vacate the premises) the endo has attacked my colon. At this point, we don't really know how extensive it is, but it's enough to hinder my everyday activity (read: eating and sleeping).

What does that mean?

It means I will be getting laparoscopy surgery for endo removal AND a bowel resection. This procedure will be 3-4 hours long and *may* end up turning into a laparotomy (lateral incision of the stomach).

WTF is a bowel resection?

It's exactly what it sounds like.

They're going to REMOVE a section of my colon and REATTACH the two sections together.

Gross, right?


It's kind of like MAJOR surgery.

Surprisingly, I don't feel nervous about it. Or it could be that I'm just not mentally aware of my nervousness. But actually, if you ask my guts how they feel about things, they'll probably tell you a completely different story about how they shit their brains out 85 times today while I was at the hospital doing my pre-op tests. That was awkward.

So, if all goes well I will keep all of my baby-making organs (minus the crusty endo-bombs), the resection will heal perfectly, and I'll be watching tivo'd Judge Judy episodes from the comforts of my own home in no time.

If all goes horribly wrong, I could end up with a hysterectomy and a poop tube sticking out of my stomach.

Fingers crossed for the first option.


I'm really excited to see what's going to happen. I'm ready to wake up post-op and find out when I can apply for the show Monsters Inside Me.

Hopefully after the surgery, when people ask me how I'm doing, they won't receive answers like "Explosive diarrhea all weekend." or "Bowel cleanse. Couldn't sleep because I thought I might shart myself all night."

I've forgotten what it's like to feel normal and not have to worry about a flare up, or staying close to the bathroom, or being stuck in the bathroom for 30 minutes at a time. I can't wait to get healthy and be able to make plans AWAY from the house. It's going to be a newfound freedom, that's for sure.


Sara Louise said...

Oh lordy! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the first option. I'll be thinking of you, and I know it's cheesy, but I'm sending you hugs from all the way over here OOO
(that's three big hugs)

Anonymous said...

As much as no one wants surgery, I can totally relate to getting to the point where you get a bit excited. You have a diagnosis! You have something they can fix! Bring it on!

So while it's not fun, it's hopeful, and I will keep you in my thoughts. Hang in there!

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Good luck to you. You will be in my thoughts... here is to a speedy recovery and future normalcy!

Anonymous said...

Those doctors are going to slap chop everything into shape so you can be the boss of your body again. You can do this and I am the old zombie cheerleader on the sidelines cheering for you.

PDXFoodie said...

Hope all goes well Sash! I will be thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

Holy shit lady. Sending healing thoughts your direction that you're back to a state of normal here asap. Keep us posted.

monkey momma said...

Good luck to you! I know exactly how you feel too -- you're not exactly excited about the surgery, but you're excited that they finally have a real diagnosis and that there is a treatment plan in place.

Sending you good ju-ju.

Ktprow said...

Hey there, I'm so sorry to hear about your surgery and I'll be sending you non-poop-tubey thoughts (although I general try not to have poop-tubey thoughts though this will be a special effort.)

Sending you hugs and clean bowel vibes.

Erin said...

I definitely did not realize just how extensive this surgery was going to be. You know, I think you're not nervous because you've already experience the worst. How much worse could it get?! It can only get better from here. I'll be thinking about you, sweets.

Jen Deckert said...

I found your blog through Rachel C. and have been following for awhile...just wanted to offer support and let you know a rando is sending white light healing vibes your way. Keep the humor and positivity up and you'll be just fine lady.

Anonymous said...

Holy cow, Girl. I'll be thinking of you and hoping it ALL goes perfectly!

Kika said...

I'll be thinking of you! If you need anything at all, please let me know and if I'm in town I will be there...even if you just need some company! xoxo

Veronica M. D. said...

Oh boy, I will be thinking about you!! I'm glad you finally found someone who wants to be proactive and try to fix your insides. I certainly hope this is the answer. Crossing my fingers and toes for you!!!

Kara said...

WIshing you the best!! Sounds pretty terrifying actually but far less terrifying than the promise of sharting yourself in your sleep.

Logical Libby said...

Sending all my best wishes fir a seedy recovery!

Ally said...

Wow. This is all just so awful. Again I am so sorry, but it sounds like you're now on the road to recovery! Hang on there and thanks for sharing, this is very honest and helpful to those who may have similar issues.

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