12.07.2011

A Funny Story About My Dog.

I know what you're saying.

YES, it's another post about Biscuit. And YES, this blog is supposed to be about food. And YES, I am looking great today.

I'm still a little burnt out from the Thanksgiving fiesta, so I don't really have much to share on the food front.

Which means you get another story about my dog.

And before you get too involved, BE FORWARNED: This story has to do with poop.


On the December 24, 2008 (two weeks after we'd adopted Biscuit), my boss called an in-office meeting even though we all had the day off. It was going to be a short meeting and my coworker Grant and I were both allowed to bring our newly adopted pups.



During the meeting, Biscuit was full of energy. She was only a 2.5 month old puppy, so it wasn't surprising that she spent the hour pulling and tugging and yelping and just being an overall nuisance. I had to put her on a leash because otherwise she would take off running throughout the office or chew up naughty things like the Play Station cords. (I'd like to add- Grant's dog Stella was a total DREAMBOAT and just slept in his lap the whole time. Some dogs should take note (Biscuit, I'm talking to you.).)

My boss, who thought he was a fucking dog whisperer extraordinaire, offered to take the leash so he could demonstrate how to get a dog "under control".

Not long after, Biscuit wandered outside the conference room. Still inside the office suite, but outside of view.

I noticed the slack on her leash wasn't moving. Like all of a sudden she wasn't curious about anything and everything in sight.

Something seemed wrong.

I quietly got up from my seat and walked towards the door to see what she was doing.

That was when I saw it.

She was squatting to take a pee.

After a quick "Oh fuck", I ran to the kitchen to grab the roll of paper towels. I ran straight back and unrolled what I can only guess was about 500 paper towels to soak it up.

As I pressed them onto the floor, making sure to BLOT, not WIPE, I realized something was wrong again. In the split second between realizing "Uh-oh" to when I lifted my head and looked over at Biscuit, I saw the last thing any employee (who actually LIKES their job) wants to see...

Biscuit was positioning up for a shit.

INSIDE.MY.BOSS'S.OFFICE.

I quickly leapt (like an actual leapfrog) from the lesser-important pee spot over to Biscuit.

Somehow in my horrible realization of what was about to go down, I forgot to bring the paper towels with me.

And it was too late to turn back for them.

Because the shit was coming.

Literally. She was shitting.

It was just like in the movies where the main character is looking left and right for something and then at the last second they do something real crazy-like.

Which is exactly what happened.

Because I reached my hands out...

And caught Biscuit's poop.

In my hands.

Hot, steamy, soft-served poop. In my hands. While I'm kneeling in my boss's office.

This was seriously the biggest poop I could have imagined coming out of that little body, because not only was there enough to fill my hands, some turdage also landed on the carpet.

Thankfully, I managed to be hidden behind walls during this whole disaster. And lucky for me, nobody has the image of me sitting on the ground holding hot dog turds on Christmas Eve burned into their memory (like the way it is in mine).

From here, the action wraps up pretty quickly.

I throw the shit out in a trash liner, tie it up tight, and toss it in the main trash. I soak the carpet through with 409. And I burn my hands off in an incinerator.


A few months later, I was laid off due to company cut backs.

I didn't feel so bad about the shit anymore.

14 comments:

StephanieC said...

That is true puppy love.

I have waded and scooped so much poo in this lifetime... with so much more to go.

Nevermind BABIES.

Dear lord.

At least you are well prepared for THAT, should you choose to accept said mission.

Sara Louise said...

That is so funny! I can't believe you caught it! You are the ultimate dog Mom. You're quick like a ninja.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

As I was reading this, I could SMELL dog crap. In fact, I am still smelling it, though there is no poop in my hands.

Sorry about having to burn your hands off in an incinerator. That sucks big time. But on the upside, I'm sure Biscuit TOTALLY appreciated all your efforts.

Erin said...

NOOOOOOOOOO. That is fricking gross dude. There's something about women going to great lengths to prevent others from being subjected to poop... I read a post the other day by this woman who clogged a toilet at her work with her dookies, and then because it was beginning to overflow she REACHED IN THE TOILET to unclog the hole. I mean, seriously. That is dedication to the cause of preventing others from being subjected to poop.

Serial Monogamist said...

This is wonderful.

Someday I'll tell you the story about the time my dog got diarrhea in her crate and my poor roommate had to find her - after she'd apparently splashed around in it. I'll give you this image: she's a white dog, and he said she was wearing "poop socks" when he found her.

What we wouldn't do for our lil pups!

Sara said...

Oh my god, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Bahahahaha! I can totally picture myself doing the exact same thing. Oh, what we do for our babies. :)

MRanthrope said...

best company meeting...EVER! Were you tempted to bring biscuit around the outside of your building after the layoff? You know, for one last goodbye? =p

Glad you have such a good sense of humor about the whole ordeal.

Simone Says... said...

dogs are so intuitive. love it!

Megs said...

I would not do that for anyone, under any circumstances. The poop can hit the floor and then be picked up with a paper towel THE WAY GOD INTENDED.

I think that story just triggered my OCD a little bit. I seriously need to wash my hands now.

Deborah said...

cannot breath right now . . . i'll leave a remark later . . . lolololol

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

DYING.

The things we do for our dogs....

Chrystal said...

Hahahaha I'm so glad I'm not the only crazy person who didn't know what else to do but to go diving like a wide receiver catching a football for a dog turd. When Brando was a pup I did a turd dive at my moms house. Thank god no one was around & I never told anyone. But his poop was a nugget & thankfully solid...but still disgusting. Hahaha!

Logical Libby said...

The only way this story would be better is if you were wearing a Santa hat. Please tell me you were wearing a Santa hat.

tjyoung82 said...

Are you SHITTING me with this story?!?!? Hahaha, oh how I wish I was there!!!

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