Scarier Than Anything Halloween Related.

I want you to know this entry is not for the squeamish or for those who happen to be interested in eating in the near future. I'm putting this out there because you're my fans friends and if there's anything I want in life, it's to be the most popular girl in the world an honest person.

AND I'D LIKE TO CLARIFY: My hospital visit was not because of some weird or crazy Jackass stunt. The following events have taken place because there is some kind of miscommunication somewhere in my lower GI area. I've suffered with a nervous stomach, hernia operation, and overall shittiness in my digestive tract my whole life. Just add this to the list.

So, remember way back a few weeks ago when I landed in the hospital?? Well, here's the juicy deets. And by juicy, I mean the complete opposite of juicy.

I've had a real asshole of a stomach my whole life, and it seems to be an asshole-to-the-10th-degree when I'm under a lot of stress. So when it started acting up the other week, I didn't think too much of it. -Mostly because I was in so much pain, thinking wasn't even a function I was capable of. And what really pushed me over the emergency-status edge was when I started pooping out things that should only be seen in Stephen King thrillers.

Following my mom's orders, I called my doctor. Because I have Kaiser insurance, I have to call a generic appointment number, leave a message with the attendant, and depending on how hilarious the office thinks my bodily malfunctions are, a nurse will call back within 24 hrs. Well, it seemed like they were taking my particular situation very seriously- passing me around to three different nurses, the last of which instructed me to go straight to the ER.

After I showered and made myself look closer to a normal human being, my mom took me to a nearby hospital. The nurse who escorted me to my room had warned me of the possibility of a certain exam... At which I scoffed and mentally filed under the category of "General Hospital Malarkey That Definitely Would NOT be Taking Place". But once the head honcho came in, it was time to face reality. There was going to be a rectal exam.

Did I mention it was a male doctor...?

A youngish, male doctor...??

A youngish, male doctor who brought in two trainees with him...???

Did I also mention I was also on my period...????

Yep. This was definitely one of my finer moments.

Dr. McButthole and I shared some some intimate details over a nice chardonnay and before I even had a chance to request the Surf N' Turf dinner, my exam was over. I was released on my own recognizance and sent home with instructions to get a referral from my general practitioner to see a Gastro Intestinal Specialist.

Thank god that's over with.

A few weeks later I go in to see my regular doctor so I can get this stupid referral and get back to having a normal, functioning lower half. It's only when I'm at my appt do I realize I'm going to have to take some more tests. Some more fun tests. The funnest of which involved ANOTHER rectal exam, only this one was much more dignifying and involved something that can only best be described as a Monistat suppository applicator. -Only it wasn't going in the Monistat hole.

Yep. Round two for the old poop chute.

This time went just as smoothly and included just as little wining n' dining.

After my doc and I had the old "it's not you, it's me" talk and decided to go our separate ways, she instructed me to go to the main Kaiser center to get some MOOORE testing done. At this point, I've learned my lesson on which tests I'm cool with and not-so-cool with and am thankful to learn that the next set of tests will be easy: blood work and stool sample.

By the time I get to the other office, I'm ready to go poop like STAT because, as my doctor so eloquently put it, "your butt doesn't know the difference between a finger a poop" and apparently rectal exams are often followed by a turd.

The nurse gives me a tiny "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" sized plastic bowl and points me in the direction of the nearest toilet. And it's at this point I realize... I have no idea where to hold this bowl in order to catch the thunder down under. My backside is all a mystery to me and my shit could be falling out of the back of my neck for all I know. So I take a guess, position myself, say a prayer- and like the sound of a Vegas jackpot- I strike shit gold.

As I'm at the sink, scalding my flesh of my hands off, I notice the nurse hadn't given me my brown paper bag. You know the one. -My "don't look at my shit" bag. At this point, I consider myself to be well beyond any kind of embarrassment, so me and I my shit make our way back to the waiting area. When the nurse sees me waiting, she waves me over, hands me a tiny test tube, another ICBINB plastic bowl, and a miniature 31 Flavors spoon, and instructs me to go BACK to the restroom and divide my shit up.

So... me, my shit, and all my newly acquired lunch containers head back to the ladies room. I lightly push open the first stall... and it quickly gets slammed shut. -But not before I saw the bare knees and granny panties of a 500 year old woman taking care of business. :::nightmares for days::: I go into the next stall and play Ring Around the Rosies with my turds for the next 20 minutes, paying careful attention to not contaminate anything (shit OR bathroom). Another round of scalding the hands, and we make our way back to the waiting area.

From this point on, it's smooth sailing and today I'm only left with a minor bruise on my arm that makes me look like a heroin addict and my pride that's only been somewhat damaged.

I got a call from my doctor's office this morning. Everything came back normal. Phew. At least I went through all that trouble for nothing.

So what have you learned from this entry? Absolutely nothing.

-But I'm telling you right now, I expect E.V.E.R.Y. one of my readers to comment on this shit because if this isn't Blogger of the Year material right here, I don't know what is.

Kim Jong-Il, OUT.


Elizabeth said...

oh my fricken goodness!!!! all that and nothing!!!! you don't even have a fix for your "stress" issues? aside from stay away from stress - i'm sure.

well here's a little for you. when a certain son of mine (okay my only son) was a baby, he'd have explosive poops. after taking him to the doctor and watching him have one of his poops that ranged from the parking lot to the inside of the lab, the doctor told me i needed to push my finger up his but 3x a day. I hope my son never takes me to jerry springer about this.

The Worst said...

You are waaaaaay braver than me. I was supposed to give a poop sample longs times ago for my stomach problems and I flat out refused because of the embarrassment. Which is strange, because I would have no problems leaving "samples" on certain people's doorsteps. With or without flames.

So for all I know, I could have walking butthole herpaids of the stomach. The world will never no because I refuse to give the lab the satisfaction of handling my poops.

Anonymous said...

I have NEVER laughed out loud while reading a post as many times and I just did. I am 110% mortified for you, but also entirely grateful that it happened to you and not me.

My doc once mentioned having a colonic and I vetoed that idea before she even finished her sentence. I don't put anything up there...or play with my poop. ☺

Nikosmommy said...

Oh the HUMANITY!! Why is it that our illnesses/bodily functions have to be so damn embarrassing? Much of this experience is known and understood to me as I suffer from the evil that is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I suppose after dealing with it for years plus having birthed 2 children, nothing really "bothers" me anymore.
Sorry to hear you've been dealing with all this poopiness, and I SO understand how stress makes it worse. Hope you're feeling 100% now!
P.S. Pennywise is the scariest clown ever. EVER.

Junket said...

Can I call you The Pooper Scooper? All hands on the poop deck? Let me stop being shitty.

Oh man....

allison said...

holy shit.

Megs said...

They make you divide up your own poo?!?! Do they not have someone on staff for that? Good God.

I am sorry.

I am also sorry you posted that picture of the clown because I will not sleep for weeks now.

Biscuit said...

that's some crazy shit.

also, thanks for the shot of that motherfucking clown from IT. I was JUST getting over that shit.

Kara said...

Oh my effing god. That is horrifying to the umpteen millionth degree!!! At any point during that adventure, did you start to giggle uncontrollably? Because I'm pretty sure that would have been my only mechanism of dealing with the horror of it all.

Thanks for landing on my blog. Glad you agree about the long johns guy...ridiculous underwear or not, I want him in my business.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My.

Kim said...

Wow. Just. Wow. I'm glad that after all of that, it was nothing, but I also wished they been like "Well, hey! Look! There are little gnomes in your butt making your stomach hurt, here's some antibiotics, now be on your way, good lass!"

As a comrade of the IBS and the stress-inducing-death-like-poos, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

But what doesn't kill you, makes you... no. No it still sucks.

3GirlKnight said...

Besides the fact that your post is hilariously written (not the subject so much), it's almost as funny for me that this is the first of your posts I've read.

Although right below this comment window, I see a picture of chili cheese Fritos, Yoplait, and cookies with the heading "Breakfast of Champions". It's already promising to be an awesome post.

Wombat Central said...

I will never buy a container of ICBINB again. I just... can't.

LMAO. Glad you're ok!

Sara Louise said...

This sucks so hard! But on the bright and cherry side, everything came back normal. Normal besides the emotional scarring of tupperware poop and the visual of granny.

Deborah said...

Aaaah, you poor girl!

Gives the phrase 'sucks ass' a whole new meaning.

Sucks ass little girl!

Marsy said...

LOL and eeeeeuurrr at the same time.

I was fully entertained with this dirty post! Do you want to share some more Nutella with me, the jokes could be endless :p

Chrystal said...

First of all I'm sorry you had to go through all of that-it just sounds horrible. But may I say you tell it so well! I thank your upset stomach and your violated bum hole for the laughs!! Miss u!

RN Mama said...

Holy balls. My jaw hit the floor when you said that bitch asked you to divide up your shit. No way. No way would I have done that.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

Niko and Kim- i'm just a few tests short of being in the same IBS category as you. do you take anything for it? feel free to email me.

3GirlNight- thanks for visiting and commenting. you just happened to land on my page on a quality entry. don't expect them all to be pearls of wisdom like this one.

RN- NO.SHIT. i still can't believe i had to get all up in my poo. you'd think they would PAY someone to do that. fortunately, i'd already been through enough embarrassing events that it didn't even faze me.

Brooke said...

I would have went home to suffer as soon as I realized it involved a rectal exam. You're a brave girl.

I have just one fear when it comes to childbirth...just ONE: pooping while pushing. I can't even think about it for too long, I get very upset.

StephanieC said...

Hey there, I'm new to the blog and this post was uber funny.

I could talk with you for days on G.I. issues and horrible butt test prep work, but I'm sure you are busy and scarred enough.

Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

The Weed said...

This story is the most remarkable thing I have ever read and I don't know whether to thank you for the laughs or curse you for the mental images seared into my psyche.

One thing's for certain though. Archive spelunking here is gonna be fun, and I'm glad we're blogging friends.

Elizabeth said...

dis.turbing. I would have died of humiliation before making it through that. so glad you lived!

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

Okay....my post is about poop too, but ARG! You win the gross out award!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

What a nightmare!!

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