Let's Take a Poll!

I was just having a discussion with my friend about bathroom etiquette. What's appropriate these days and what's not?

I'll tell you right now some things that get on my nerves (which I've already mentioned before, but they still bug me):

1. Cell Phone Talkers- Take.The.Convo.Outside. Everyone can tell you're in the bathroom. If the echo doesn't give it away, the flushing toilets, running water, and strained vocal chords probably do. It's gross and it makes me cringe at the thought of ever having to borrow someone else's phone.

2. Lingerers- This isn't Friday night happy hour- do your business and leave. Some of us want to get our poop on and don't want to do it when you're playing Sorority House at the soap dispenser.

3. Ghost Poopers- It's a bathroom, we all know there's going to be sound effects. Pretending like you're not there and not pooping, when you're clearly clenching buttcheeks for dear life and probably about to 'splode, doesn't help either one of us. In fact, it throws off MY evacuation process. Let's just call a truce- We both poop and never speak of it again. Okay???

This brings me to the conversation I just had...

Do you ever worry about stink following you out of a particularly unfortunate bathroom??

I always do. Especially if it's like a punch in the face when I first push the ladies room door open. I have to do a full body imaginary scrubdown when I exit the premises.

And while we're on the topic- I'd like to get to the poll part of this entry...

If someone is coming out of a stall and and it's a real fucking doozy, would you prefer to be given advance warning???

In my experience, people don't like getting advice from strangers in the toilets. But I always feel the need to give a little heads up, like "Hey buddy. You're gonna want to give that some time, if ya know whatta mean." It's polite, if you ask me. I would MUCH rather receive a warning from a stranger than receive a full blown assault on my nostrils. And actually, I would appreciate it so much (especially in particularly nasty situations), I would cry tears of joy over this act of kindness. And throw confetti streamers in the air. And probably buy them lunch too.

Am I alone on this...?


Elizabeth said...

i walked into the restroom, at work, earlier this week and was told "i wouldn't go into that one" (meaning the stall) i was very happy and told her i'd take her advice.

we (joe and i) have a family friend that has no shame telling everybody her's and other's business and needless to say she'll do this while in a stall too. very tacky!!!

and i can't stand lingerers. sometimes i plan my departure upon their departure. i know pooping is natural, but only my kids and joe are aloud to see me leaving the can after taking a dump.

lastly the "ghost," if it hurts that much to poop that you need to strain and push and make silly faces, then don't go yet. drink some more water and have more fiber in your diet. other wise i have one word for you - hemmorhoid!

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

the ghost pooper isn't someone who CAN'T poop, they're someone who WAITS until everyone else is gone. which is useless bc i'm usually waiting for some kind of noise (a bell, a horn, something) so i can begin. if we're both sitting in our stalls silently, not making any moves, it's like an Asshole Showdown.

Elizabeth said...

well... if privacy is an issue, maybe they need to work closer to home so they can run home to poop. That's what i do every day at lunch. TMI???

Chrystal said...

thank you for the laughs today! If I have to poop I just flush so no one has to hear. I also have been in bathrooms where I feel like the smell is so bad that I'm worried the smell will get into my pores and never leave me.

Julia said...

I agree with giving a heads up if you make an extra stankay!! Let me know, I'll find a different bathroom, hold it, or in the worst case hold my breath for dear life. And if you know its gonna be a bad one, do us all a favor and COURTESY FLUSH!!!

Sounds in a bathroom are bound to happen BUT WHAT GETS ME is that freakin old lady moan after they start to pee. It bugs the s@#! out of me.

I have the same fear of the bathroom smell following you out. I once worked in a place where the bathrooms had about zero ventilation and heat producing ceiling lights (which are always a fantastic addition to any bathroom...ugh!!)you could smell the bathroom 15 feet away everytime the door opened, anyhow, I started carrying mini scented lotions with me for that specific reason..and still do.

for the ghost poopers, find a private bathroom, or at least a less busy one, get in, handle your business, and GET OUT!!!

Ally said...

All I'm gonna say is I hate when I have to go #2 anywhere but home :(

FabuLeslie said...

I would really just prefer that grown women would make sure they don't leave giant yellow pee drops on the seat.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

ughhhh... you just totally grossed me out, leslie.

thank you for doing that.

smArtee said...

...Im from the group that likes to act as if it were there before I arrived..so in answer to your question..yes i would let them know..but I would blame another..such as.."Oooh the smell is still fresh since the last person"...at least that takes the pressure off...hahahah..!

mina2 said...

this is why people need to wear depends. just dispose of the poop diaper, freshen up with some wipes and move on with your day.

LaceyRee said...

thank you!!! sometimes I can't believe that I'm walking into a "ladies" room. I know that doing the business never really smells like roses, but when it smells like my nasty fat uncle just dropped several enchilada-inspired deuces, I would at least like a heads up. I wouldn't even mind going to another floor of the building if it meant avoiding the cloud of suffocating stink that awaits me in there.
Maybe Bed Bath & Beyond should come up with a line of portable bathroom spray. It would make it trendy to carry it around in our purses and just do a little courtesy spray as we leave the stall.

Coyote Rose said...

For the record this post is fantastic. I am seriously like in love with it.Especially the part about cell phone talkers. That is so weird.

For the poll, i really have no idea which is better. I mean does the heads up really change anything for me?- I'm not sure.

Junket said...

True Story.

Picture it. 1988. We are on a road trip and my Dad stops to get gas and get rid of gas. He runs back to the car and yells, "Go Go Go" and we get back on the interstate. I thought perhaps he robbed the gas station? Turns out, he was shitting bricks with a soundtrack and the man in the next stall started to mimic him. He was mortified and never used a public restroom ever again.

Biscuit said...

I prefer to be warned....

And I too wait for some auditory signal, I need running water, another person going, or like, music. All bathrooms should have music.

pomegranate101 said...

I just transferred from Rick Maughan's site onto yours, and I just got to say...

There was this one time I was at a club a few years ago and this girl I was making out with brought me into the women's bathroom, and it was empty, and within seconds the really small bathroom got super packed from wall to stall. And there were girls knocking onto the stall bathroom, and eventually we both had to come out, hands intertwined, encountering literally like 15 girls in the bathroom. 15! At least more than ten.

I'm totally embarrassed about it, it's not something I speak highly of, but I just had to put it out there because your post was about bathroom etiquette.

erin said...

I have never ever pooped in a public restroom. I'm leaving it at that.

But I have been warned and not warned by people exiting the restroom and I much prefer to be warned.

The worst is when the toilet didn't flush and they don't tell you. So you get both the stench and the sight! Crap.

Megs said...

Hate the cell phone talkers. HATE. I'm one of those shy in the bathroom people. Its hard for me to go when ANYONE is in there, even though they also are doing what I'm doing. But then to think that not only are the people in the bathroom hearing me, COMPLETE STRANGERS WHO AREN'T EVEN IN THE BATHROOM ARE LISTENING TO ME PEE, stop that, stop that RIGHT NOW.

thisgirlbeck said...

hahaha..oh man, i totally know what you mean. Especially at bars on a Saturday night...its like "look, sit, piss, and wash your hands or whatever and just go!" fuck.. what takes them so goddamn long. Those are times I wish I was a boy
At work we do warn people if the bathroom is not exactly rose and lilac smelling.. some people at this company don't give a fuck and will stink the place up! I always warn my co-workers.. at least have the decency to spray a little lysol or something (they do supply us with that)
Man... I could go on about this topic forever


Wombat Central said...

I totally plug my ears so I can't hear myself in the stall. I convince myself that no one else can hear me either. Works for me.

And sometimes the smell in the public restrooms = beyond horrific. Yes, I'd like advance notice.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

smArtee- aggressive move. i like your style too. i also lolled while reading your comment.

rose- thanks for calling this entry fantastic. i guess i just have a way with the poop words.

junks- your dad is my hero.

biscuit and becks- i think you're onto something here. every bathroom should have music- preferably something loud, like danzig- and lysol spray. mandatory.

pomegranate- thanks for visiting! you should have lived up that moment and walked out of the stall like rocky balboa.

erin- how can you have NEVER pooped in a public restroom....? your body control is beyond me.

wombat- lol... i've never heard of anyone plugging their ears to not hear themselves go. i think you just got the most creative response award.

Kim said...

Dude. I just wrote about this. I am 10000% with you on the ghost poopers. I feel like a total champion when that's happening and I just let it out and they are still down there praying for me to leave. Sometimes I want to shout "Yeah! I pooped, sucker!" as I leave.

I generally don't.

As far as the heads up... I dunno on that one. I think I'm so used to poopins at this point that I just figure, hey, I'm stinky, too. Sure it's not fun, but I probably wouldn't be able to tell someone I'd just dropped a deuce cuz our bathrooms have like 7 stalls and I just bank someone thinking it was someone else. The smell lingers in there man. For like hours.

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

I think a heads up is a fabulous idea and NOT enough people do it.

But I have to admit that I'm sometimes too embarrassed to give the advice. Like I kinda want to pretend that I have no idea what just happened in there.

So it seems I am a bathroom etiquette hypocrite.

12ontheinside said...

I am a ghost poper. I aplogis on behalf of all my people.
I am also aheapskate - my current budget hint is to always waittill u et to work to o- saves olo paper. I'm only half joking but oh well, we all do it sometime. (except erin)

12ontheinside said...

I also have a problem with my keyboard!

Deborah said...

I have totally been a ghost-pooper! I just want to poop in peace. I don't want any competition.

But here's my thing, you MUST wash your hands after pooping. Duh yes? There was a woman on my floor at work that would poop and RUN out the door. I never found her. She squidged me out! yick and ick

And please, courtesy flush people! heh

This post made tears come. In more ways than one.

asha lanae said...

My real question is this:

Is it sooooo hard to a) flush the toilet when you're done, b) clean up after yourself, and c) not leave you toilet paper, sanitary napkins (yes, sanitary napkins), or other easily disposed of bathroom yucky stuff all over the floor? I mean, really...is a public restroom code name for "being filthy because I don't have to clean it up?" It always makes me cringe to think what peoples homes look like if they don't have the decency to flush a friggin toilet!

Ok...I'm calm now...

Opto-Mom said...

If I've just left a stinky in the bathroom and someone else is coming in, I warn them by blaming the person before me. Example: "Oh, you don't want to go in there. I barely made it out alive. The lady before me must have had Taco Bell for lunch."

Stumbled across your blog today, and LOVE it!!!

For more poopy fun, check out my shitty fairy tale: http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2010_08_01_archive.html

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