8.19.2010

Cheap Cheater's Chinese Dinner

First thing's first- I am OFFICIALLY AN INTERNET SENSATION!!!. How do I know? Because I googled myself. And if anyone speaks the truth, it's the Google.

So, the other day at the grocery store I decided to make some homemade Chinese food. And by homemade, I mean, home-heated.

Let's start with the ingredients, shall we?

You'll need rice. I went with this cheapo "Rapid Rice" because 1) I'm lazy, 2) I'm cheap, and 3) I don't really like rice all that much and it all taste the same to me when I put a shitload of butter on top.

Most important ingredient: Orange Chicken. This time around, I went with Crazy Cuizine. I've tried one other brand before and they both came out pretty good, but I'm going to give the upper hand to Crazy Cuizine because I like their gusto in the spelling department.

And lastly, you'll need a vegetable because that's how real Chinese people do it. I went with broccoli because it seems very Asiany. Also, because it was the only vegetable in the house.

So here's how the chicken works. First you have to thaw the little pouch of orange glaze under warm running water. Once you've racked up an extra $25 on your water bill, place the glaze aside and save for later. In a pan with oil, cook up them chickens for 12-15 minutes. I tend to cook on the longer side of directions because I'm always worried about catching the salmonellas. Last step, get your orange glaze on.

Try to start the broccoli at the same time as your chicken. Put, like, two cups of water in a pan with a lid, and steam those badboys for about 15 minutes. I don't have any exact numbers on this one because I'm a total pro and know these things just by looking at them. I mean, I knew just by looking at the broccoli my mom was cooking that it was totally ready to eat.

When you have like two minutes left on your chickens, get your rice-a-cookin. Now, I may lose you on these directions, so I'll try to keep it simple.

Tear the tab off the top of the Rapid Rice. Place in microwave for 1.5 minutes (or however long it takes).

. . . . .

Dinner is served.

Aaaaaaaand scene.

Boner'Ppetite, my friends.

18 comments:

Junket said...

That looks delicious. Thanks for inviting me to dinner to taste it. Oh wait...what?

Coyote Rose said...

This food looks so yummy. I'm too lazy for cooking Chinese though. For 6 bucks i can order it from across the street.

Elizabeth said...

15 min??? Are you crazy. They'll be olive green and soggy if you steam/boil them that long. 7-8 minutes is the amount of time you steam broc.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

liz- that's what i thought too. but i'm pretty sure mom started them when i started the chicken and they came out cooked to perfection.

disclaimer: if you steam broccoli for 15 min and they come out shitty, don't blame it on me.

Steve G. said...

hahaha, These instructions are great and hilarious. But I also totally add fresh veggies or even fruit to any sort of dish I actually cook. It freshens it all up incredibly well.

So nice to see that you have a burgeoning famiousity as well.

erin said...

I can't eat any of those frozen boxed stuff without tasting the weird frozen box taste, no matter what I do to get rid of it.

Jeremiah and my Momma tell me it's all in my head. And then they get pissy at me for being strange and picky.

Elizabeth said...

erin you aren't strange and picky. you have advanced taste buds...

Deborah said...

You made me google my blog name! I'm weak-minded to be sure.

This is funny. You make me laugh!

Chrystal said...

I'm glad you didn't get salmonellas because I like reading your blog.

roberto said...

Nice work on your rapid ascent up the internet sensation scale. However, you are still four places lower than "things I noticed," which is a pretty damn boring thing to google.

Sara Louise said...

Congratulations on the Google! Very impressive :-)

Margot said...

You don't like rice? What kind of Asian are you?! You need to room with three Asian girls again. Wow that sounds dirty.

smArtee said...

I knew you would be famous soon...and you can even make frozen food look exotic...nice work..!

Nikosmommy said...

It looks like it was an Asian sensation! Delish!

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

steve- thanks! in case you haven't noticed, i'm the world's worst cook. i try to keep the kitchen time to a minimum to avoid any unfortunate mishaps.

debs- you've never googled yourself before? it's a prerequisite for any blogger.

chrystal- not yet, but there's still plenty of time in my future to catch the salmonellas.

roberto- thank you for pointing that out. i like your style.

margot- apparently there wasn't enough asian going on in the all asian hostel.

thanks for all the compliments!!!!

FabuLeslie said...

Haha! That's my kind of recipe. Looks good.

pomegranate101 said...

I just had that stuff like about a year ago, I bought the orange chicken from trader joes. It's pretty tastey, cruchy, and the sauce is pretty accurate.

Sara said...

Hahaha! Love it! And actually (although I'm not really surprised) it looks really good! I'm starving!

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