I Should Have Brought Immodium...

I'm on a family vacation right now with Pearl and Boyfriend and Boyfriend's sister and her family. I was happily enjoying the Disneyland park when all of a sudden my stomach hit the switches and said "OH HELLS NO. You will NOT be having a good time on MY watch." Things went from 0 to 60 in record time and now here I am, laid out in the hotel room while the rest of the group enjoys all the amenities Walt Disney has to offer.

While laying here I decided to look through the camera and pretend I'm not in diarrhea agony, daydream I'm actually back at the park, check out the shots I got. That's when I noticed something that I thought was worth sharing.

Kids have great skin.

I mean, really great, fucking perfect-looking porcelain skin.

In EVERY single shot of Pearl and her cousin, they're both rosy and cherub-cheeked, bright-eyed, happy and natural looking in front of the camera, clear complected, energetic and full of life... I could go on forever.

And the pictures of me? There's a 50/50 chance that I'll look like some kind of Rosie O'DonnellSteven Cojocaru/ Crypt Keeper/ grizzly bear hybrid.

My eyelids are all heavy and bloodshot and look like I haven't slept in 3 years. And the dark circles underneath look like I've been hidden away like Flowers in the Attic. My cheeks are puffy and saggy like fucking Droopy Dog on crack. My teeth are turning 28 shades of "shit" and I have no idea why because I don't smoke OR drink coffee, and Yes, I do brush my teeth on a regular basis. My hair looks like I'm wearing a sorry fucking 1994 Selena wig. I could go on, but I can tell I'm about 5 minutes away from another bathroom visit so I better cut it short.

I'm not telling you all this to get sympathetic "Aw, you look great!".

I'm telling you this so you'll be aware. And join me in cursing that bitch, Mother Nature.

Happy Monday.


Well Rounded Vegan said...

Fucking puberty, man. It's a bitch.

Kim said...

Don't forget that trying to lose weight is like beating your head against cinder blocks... no matter what you do.

Mandy_Fish said...

You do not look like Cojo! That was so awful you made me guffaw.

P.S. As someone on the other side of 40, I have to say, I've become a big fan of my dermatologist.

*Significant look*

Anonymous said...

nate to justin at park, "daddy, your teeth are white...and YELLOW!". i laughed like a psycho. now i have a breakout on top of my wrinkles. karma.

Deborah said...


You are a young un. You will NEVER convince me that you look like crapski.

I'm a GEEZER and it's okay. I look good!

Well, as good as someone my age can look without spending money like Sharon Osborn on my face.

Just sayin'.

You're fine! You are adorable. It's the sickness talking.

Lorraine said...

OH NO. NOT AT DISNEY. That is just wrong, Universe.

Also, I don't think I've ever looked good in a shot I've taken at Disney. Usually I just look sweaty and weird in all of them. Ew.

Feel betters.

Wombat Central said...

Girl, you'll always be younger and cuter than me. So there's that.

© Things I Like to Eat (...and Other Nonsense), AllRightsReserved.

Designed by ScreenWritersArena