Shit I Hate: House Hunters Edition.

Do you watch House Hunters or Property Virgins or My First Home or any of those other addicting HGTV shows?

I do.

And even though there is GUARANTEED to be at least one person per episode who makes my blood boil like molten hot lava, I STILL watch it. Like a moth to a flame.

The following is a list of stupid shit I hear people say alllllll the time that really makes me want to roll around on the floor like I'm on fire.

"The pricepoint we're looking at is $XXX,XXX." - Why OH WHY can't they just say "PRICE"?? Why is it now "pricepoint"whenever you're talking about how much money you're willing to spend on a house? DUMB. Just say price.

"I just love the open floor concept." - This is suuuuuch a trendy thing to say. We get it, you want one big house with no walls. So does every other moron out there.

"Hm... I was really hoping for granite counter tops/ stainless steel appliances...." You-Can-Install-That-Shit-Laterrrrrrr. Dummy.

(Said by woman/ girlfriend/ female companion in reference to the walk-in closet) "Well, there's enough room for MYYYY stuff." Ladies- making jokes about hogging all the closet space wasn't funny the first 85 times I heard it, and it's still not funny when you say it.

(Said by shopper who currently lives a tiny-ass studio apartment, OR better yet, his/ her parent's home) "Ugh. This bedroom/ extra room/ workout room/ office is WAY to small." Bitch, please. You're coming from a 10x10 ft room and you're complaining that this 1500 sq ft house is too small??? Just stop already.

"I need a house with a MAN CAVE." Always said by some yolked-out, no-neck-having, Geico caveman lookalike.

"I need a house with a MEDIA CENTER ROOM." Usually said by Man Cave dude, but can pretty much apply to any male. Also, this is another one of those trendy things to have right now. When I was growing up, we didn't have "Media Center Rooms" with theater seating and stupid reels of film affixed to the walls. We had a "Den" that had a couch, a beanbag, a 20in TV, and the walls were covered with embarrassing school photos. Media Center Rooms are for pansies.

"Ohhhh, little Bella/ Ashton/ Fido will absolutely LOVE this house!" Your dog and your embryo don't care what the house looks like. They probably won't even notice they moved. Quit acting like your kids/ pets are super geniuses, it makes you look dumb.

"I don't know. The wall color (chandelier/ curtains/ drawer knobs) are ugly." If these people can't even figure out how to visit the local Home Depot, how the hell are they supposed to be trusted with a giant piece of property??

You know what else I hate? That all the carpenters have this stupid hairstyle.

They look filthy and greasy. GET A HAIR CUT.

And lastly, I love it when a house hunter is offering way below their max and they have the nerve to quibble over a negligible amount like $1-5k. When you've already found the house of your dreeeeeams and you're already ready to put down a whopping $400k on it, what does another $1-5k matter. Answer: IT DOESN'T.

Alright. That's the end of my rant.

Anyone else bothered by stupid shit they see on house hunting shows??


Bonnie said...

That haircut is reason enough for me to never watch this show.

Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Crying is the New Croquet said...

I watched one episode where this chick was Indian and made a big deal that she was a practicing hindu (I call bullshit) and every house she went to had to have a spiritual space for her to chant and drink cow urine, or some shit like that. Every word out of her mouth was how the space was or wasn't conducive to her religion. We get it. Fuck off. I wanted to punch her right in the bindi.

Anyway, I hate it when people say shit like, "Ugh, I hate the color of these walls." Although, I did stuff like that when I was looking for houses and the realtor kept getting mad at me. My excuse was that I would be putting every cent I had into buying the house, I had to be careful knowing what I could or couldn't live with until I had money to make improvements (read: never.)

Erin said...

THE CLOSET JOKE MUST STOP. What is wrong with people? Have they no shame of being a walking, talking cliche?? The first carpenter dude -- Scott McGillivray (yes, googled it) -- is always getting hit on by someone's daughter and I feel like one of these days he's just gonna be like: Dude, I'm gay. Also, I have a love/hate relationship with "Sarah's House."

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Oh my god, the closet thing! "Where will you put YOUR stuff? Hahaha!" Makes me want to stab. I saw one episode where this guy was so obsessed with a specific size of garage that they got NOTHING else they wanted, and a shitty house, but he got his god damn garage dimensions. Good god.

Nikosmommy said...

Ridiculous! You absolutely nailed it! I LOVE these shows too, House Hunters and House Hunters International are my faves...

My biggest beef is when a newly married couple (undoubtedly from Tennessee, sorry don't know why I'm picking on the South but I've seen it again and again) walk into a brand new, 2600sq ft house that's only like $200 000 (practically free really), and start complaining bitterly about all that's wrong with it, like the fact that it's going to need a fence/new paint or as you said, granite countertops. Makes me go insane!!!

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian said...

I agree with all the comments you made EXCEPT the squabbling over 1-5k off the price. Sure it doesn't seem like much, but each 1,000 you knock off is one less mortgage payment you have to make. And sure, you're already in debt FOREVER, but you also get tunnel vision when you're buying a house and the idea of buying a single thing more than you need to becomes terrifying.

Or, at least it did for me.

If they'd given me 20 extra bucks off and a bucket I would have been happy I was in such sticker shock.

Damn homeownership.

abbyhasissues.com said...

I've never watched these shows and this post will continue to reinforce that behavior.

When I bought my house, I knew it was "the one" when I walked in. My requirements were high but revolved around cleanliness and minimal improvements much more than closet space and color coordination. I had a couch and a TV. I needed to put them somewhere.

If some douche canoe with a haircut like that was involved in the process, I'm pretty sure I would still live with my mom.

Brutalism said...

Oh my God. I love all of these shows and watch them all the time. And I must agree. If I hear, "well, that's enough space for MY stuff" about a closet or someone saying that they like a certain house "because I can make it my own" I am going to scream. (Who else's house would you make it?) Also, it always seems to be the people with the lowest PRICE POINTS that seem to demand the most out of a house. (what? my 73,000 budget does not mean a 3000 squre foot house with an updated kitchen and a pool?) "Man Cave" should be permanently stricken from the lexicon.

MRanthrope said...

those carpenter dudes all look like Joey Lawrence circa the Blossom years.

Simone Says... said...

i love flip this house. mostly when there is a team and they get into a big fight because they're about to go over budget.

also - excellent call on the hair!

too much.

Deborah said...

OMG I am totally addicted to this shit. And I throw crap at the TV when beotches say the dumb stuff.

#1 - granite it out you dumb ass-hats.
#2 - stainless will make you lose your mind. Awful
#3 - I have to know why they LOOK at houses OUT OF THEIR PRICE-POKER???

The first time I ever heard the phrase "mancave" I thought it was kinda cute. Now I want to stab my ears with hot pokers to never hear it again.

Love when you rant!

Deborah said...

Oh - forgot to say . . .

I'm shallow and love all those boys with the bad haircuts. Especially Scott. I want him to renovate my space.

Sara said...

This post is cracking me up! I can't get over all the hair! So funny! And those shows bug the hell out of me too. I actually know a couple that was on House Hunters a few years ago. They had already found and purchased a house when they filmed. The show filmed them in the house they bought and then picked 2 other houses that were "similar but less desirable" and filmed them making comments about what they liked and didn't like about the houses (even though they had zero interest in either of them). So staged. That really turned me off on that show. Boo.

Sara Louise said...

I really want to watch this show now. (I like yelling at my TV).
And the women all making the same lame joke about the closet size reminds me of Cribs, when every guy says "this is where the magic happens" when they walk into the master bedroom. Lame.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

BONNIE - i know, i hate the hair. it reminds me of ted danson in the 90's. i never thought he was cute. and the 90's was an ugly decade.

CRYING - i saw one with an indian girl too and she was HARD to please. she complained about everything. i'm going to say it as the same person you saw, even if it wasn't.

ERIN - i've never heard of Sarah's House. am i missing out on something else to spit hate on...?

VERONICA - i hate dummy shoppers. i'm glad when they end up with a house that they love, but everyone else knows is a piece of shit.

NIKO - YES!!! i forgot that one! i hate it too- they're basically getting a brand new mansion, and they have the nerve to bitch about something so minor and pointless. i hate people.

ASHLEY - when my ex and i bought our house, there was the thought "what if we had offered $5k less?" but honestly, when you're already committing to a lifetime of payments on a chunk of money you can't even fathom, another $5k didn't mean anything to me.

ABBY- exactly. it's even more ridiculous when it's a first-time shopper and they have a huge list of "must haves". dude, it's your FIRST PLACE, you're not going to live there forever.

BRUTALISM - lol @ "making it my own"

MRANTHROPE - bahahaha! you got that right. "WHOA!"

SIMONE - ahhh, i forgot about Flip this House. I used to LOOOVE the company in Georgia (i think) with Ginger and her little white dog. the owner of that company was the best.

Trude said...

LOL totally with you on them not understanding how much you can change! That's why the "staging" business sprang up in the first place, because these dolts can't envision the house with the upgrades they could make. I'll never forget watching an episode of House Hunters just because it was a special one in Norway, where an American woman and her Norwegian husband were moving there family there. They wound up blowing their budget and building a whole new home because she was insistent on having a/c. Half the country is in the ARCTIC CIRCLE. There's a reason no one has a/c, idiot!!

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

DEBS - i'm addicted too! i KNOW there are going to be annoying fools, but i can't NOT watch! btw- i LOVE that you like those hair dudes. you're funny.

SARA - i told BF your story about knowing people on the show and now we're both skeptical and ruined forever. the other night we were watching it and we had already imagined that the couple was fake based on your input. stupid House Hunters.

SARA LOUISE - ha! that's the BEST comparison! i remember that stupid cribs shit and i always make that joke to things that it totally doesn't apply to. ie, the bathroom- "this is where all the magic happens.".

TRUDE - that IS frustrating, watching these couples who can't see past the dirty kitchen or stained carpet. duuuuumb.

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