I Guess My Doc Was Right. Colonoscopies ARE Great.

Last time we left off with this saga, I was all faded and xrated at the hospital after my colonoscopy. The GI doc said everything looked great and there was one section she had some trouble maneuvering around because I have a lot of insides crammed into a small body (Aww... I'm flattered). She also casually mentioned that she took two biopsies of areas that she thought were just inflamation from the scope, but wanted to be sure. Then she sent me on my way, with Beef N Cheddars on my mind.

So last week I got a call her from her on the biopsies...

Positive for endometriosis.

If you aren't familiar with endometriosis and don't feel like getting all clinical on that link above- it basically means my uterus is loco.

When my doctor gave me the news, I felt like highfiving her through the phone, setting off fireworks, and riding through the town on my black stallion while waving a flag that read "SCREW YOU, MOTHER FUCKERS! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME!"

It was a huge relief after feeling like shit for two years and going through test after test for the past year. And with every follow up appointment, hearing "Everything looks good. No abnormalities", I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. This news was especially victorious when I remembered back to a certain someone who had the nerve to not only discount my pain, but also say "I think it's all in your head. If you didn't expect to feel bad every month, then it wouldn't happen." Well now, I think we all know that wasn't the case.

So after Biscuit and I did the Mambo #5 around the living room and I came down from my adrenaline delerium, I had a moment of WTF. I'd done enough internet research to know what endometriosis meant. Long story short, it meant (depending on the severity) I could take hormonal suppression. i.e., Turn myself into a dude. And it also meant my chances of having kids is probably compromised. And that there may be some laproscopic surgery in my future.

None of these options sounded particularly appetizing to me. I had a freakout or two. But with the help of boyfriend reminding me to stay strong like Donkey Kong, I'm back to feeling good about it. The way I look at it, if I happen to get pregnant I get little mini TILTE's to dress in vintage thrift store finds, and take to afternoon tea, and watch them fall in love with Judge Judy, just like me. If kids aren't in my future, I get to sleep in for the rest of my life, never have to find a sitter when I want to go out, never be able to commiserate with friends who passive-aggressively bitch about how miserable motherhood is, and never go nine months without alcohol or Advil. It's a win-win, really.

On a separate, but somewhat related note... I got a tattoo.

Yes, it's real. More on this to come.


Nikki Rules said...

Oooh cool tattoo! People'll think you may be Harry Potter's sister! Cooool.

Don't worry about kids, they're overrated (yeah, I totally I had some, but I'll get over it) and you know what else is overrated? That whole "you can't drink during pregnancy" bs, that's what. What you can't do during pregnancy? Smoke, do heroin, bungy jump, get tied down on train tracks. Drinking? It's actually good for you! Trust me.


ツ my cyber house rules

Marie a la Mode said...

Sorry to hear that. I have a couple of friends who have it and they have babies now so if you want little nuggets in your future it's very possible : )

I'm glad they found out what it is! I had gallstones for about 7 years before I found out what they were! I had the laproscopic surgery and all is fine now.

theTsaritsa said...

Sweet tatt!!

I'm sorry about your diagnosis, but at least you know what's up. It sucks when people don't believe you, or think you're making it all up. I think having kids is overrated, too. My kitty is enough for me, plus she doesn't have to go to college.

And you def shouldn't drink when you're pregnant. Some doctors say a glass of wine is okay, but it's not the best idea.

Chrystal said...

I'm sorry honey-you know my sis has it & has been doing some natural therapy that has helped. Let me know if you want to know more information. Love the tatt & can't wait to hear more about it!

Wombat Central said...

Well, hooray for a diagnosis. I hope you send copies of the report to the person who said it was all in your head. Then betch slap 'em.

You can entertain my kids anytime you want. ;)

Nikosmommy said...

Sorry to hear that you have endometriosis but seriously im glad that now you have some answers! Pain isnt usually all in our heads right!

Again, I know it sounds really anecdotal but I have a few girlfriends with edometriosis who have had laproscropic surgeries and have definitely got it under control. With the right birth control pill and monitoring by their doctors, they ve really managed to keep it at bay.

I think I am definitely one of those mothers who passive aggressively bitch about my children. Guilty!

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

HA! SO glad you got to ride through town on your black stallion instead of being on an episode of Mystery Diagnosis in 5 years. Congrats!

Kara said...

Wowsers, that's quite a diagnosis. I'm really happy you figured out what it is for sure. (The colonoscopy was worth it!) I hope you find a treatment plan that works best for you.

Rad tattoo. Wanna hear the story.

Biscuit said...

WEll sweet fucking christ on high!

GOOD, i mean that you got a diagnosis, not that your ute is jacked. At least you know now and can move towards a treatment plan or something, shit.

Kim said...

I'm so glad you got a result that wasn't just some doctor douching it up and telling you it's nothing. Not super that it's endo, but I have friends with it and you'd never know, PLUS they get to take vicodin or some other serious shiznit for their periods. Uh, that sounds awesome. (I realize I'm totally trivializing this, but I promise I get it.)

And snazzy tattoo! You are so brave! And look how rockstar your air fist punch looks with that lightning bolt on it!

I want a tattoo. But alas, I am a wussy baby.

Crying and Croquet said...

That's why you got them big ass, hairy ass endometrial cells all in your guts, cuz you deserve 'em!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

You have an amazing attitude about it all, so that pretty much means everything will work out well. I'm high on optimism today, so hoorah! Well wishes and all that, and plus, tell us the tatt story!


You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

NIKKI- i'm going to tell everyone i'm harry potter's asian sister.

MARIE- isn't it frustrating not feeling well and not knowing what the problem is?? wtf are these docs getting paid to do, other than present inconclusive findings and charge an arm and a leg...?

TSARITSA- thanks! i have a pup and i think she might be enough work for me too. plus, its not really a big deal when you leave your pet in it's crate for 3 hrs at a time. but try that with a baby and it's a whole different story.

CHRYSTAL- did your sister ever try acupuncture?

WOMBAT- hah! that's a great idea about sending copies of the report to that person. i actually told him about the news the other day and he seemed pretty sympathetic. i wonder if he completely forgot about his previous suggestions.

NIKO- hey, at least you look great doing it! i was actually referring to those mothers who look all kinds of wrecked and blame all their unhappiness on their kids.

VERONICA- thanks. i'm relieved about not being featured on Mystery Diagnosis as well. with my luck (and now because i think i'm infertile), i'll end up on "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".

KARA- yes! that's my point exactly! don't be afraid of the colonoscopy- it can tell you some really important things!!

BISCUIT- yeah, the treatment isn't really anything to look forward to. hopefully i won't have to take any hormonal suppressants. because if i do, just start calling me Mr. TILTE.

KIM- thanks! -and it hurt. i made faces the whole way through.

CRYBABY- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xM0KytpjXRI&feature=related

LORRAINE- thanks. i'm TRYING to have an amazing attitude over it all. only time will tell on the kids thing and there's no point in spending the rest of my days crying over it. besides, frowning causes wrinkles and if there's one thing i don't want, it's old-lady face.

Classic NYer said...

I'm so loving your attitude... everything is win-win if you think about it right. And great tat!

Deborah said...

Hey! I have old-lady-face! Well, I'm an old lady anyway.

I'm glad you got a diagnosis. It's AWFUL when you know something's off-kilter, but no one will listen.

Simone Says... said...

just think, if you become a dude, you'll make more money and get away with murder.

StephanieC said...

Well, I am happy you finally got answers. Not knowing and feeling crazy is awful (I know it all too well).

Hopefully, though, this means you can do everything possible to treat it.

And worst case sleeping-in-age sounds pretty effin' sah-weet to me.

Also? Totally love the TILTE/Biscuit Mambo #5 visual.


Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?


Bonnie said...

That must be the 329423th time I have peed my pants while either reading your blog or reading your comment on my page.


RN Mama said...

I also have endometriosis and I remember when I was diagnosed with it at age 20, my GYN talked about the hormone supression and I was like WTF? No way!

Needless to say, I had surgery. I got pg without any difficulty, and we all love Judge Judy. It's a fucking fairytale I tell ya!

mrbmoderator said...

First time commenter, I found you on Twisted Susan! Listen, the best part about the diagnosis is knowing you are not crazy. I was in pain for years and finally got the laparascopy, and bingo, I had endo. To know it was real was such a relief, I hope you feel the same!

theTsaritsa said...

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I tagged you in a post! http://thetsaritsasez.com/2011/02/how-crappy-is-your-handwriting-cuz-mine.html

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

CLASSIC- thanks for the visit! i think attitude will play a big part in how i deal with things to come. so no point in getting upset just yet. right...?

DEBS- yes, it's fucking annoying and dumb when every test comes back normal. have you experienced something similar?

SIMONE- good point. things are already starting to look up.

STEPH- glad you liked the mambo #5. it was between that and the macarena. i feel confident in my decision.

BONNIE- i'm relieved to know you thought that comment was funny. part of me thought you might think "wtf is she talking about?" but i went for it anyway. what can i say. i'm a risk taker.

RN- your kids love judge judy?!?! let me know if you ever need a sitter. ;)

MRBMODERATOR- yes! it was seriously a huge relief. thanks so much for visiting and sharing your experience.

TSAR- thanks for the tag! i'll get up on that shit asap. <3

GoodTimesDad said...

Just to echo, one of my friend's wives (he only has one wife...I guess i should say the wife of one my friends) has endometriosis, and they're having their second kid any day now.

When my mom was pregnant with me, she was having premature contractions at about 7 months, and the doctor told her that the way to stop/slow them down was to have 3-4 ounces of hard alcohol a night (apparently, it relaxed the muscles or something, but I'm no doctor). When she would be drunk and didn't want to drink anymore, my dad would be forcing a screwdriver on her and have to be all, "Please, honey, for the baby!"

Of course, that could explain a lot...

Good times.

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