Lots of Things That Have Nothing to Do With Each Other.

Once again, I've fallen behind on my blogging and now my head is full of mental sticky notes of things I wanted to blog about.

Welcome to all the Weedies visiting from Joshweed.com. If you've never been to his page, Josh's latest entry is about his recent run-in with a colonoscopy, which was not too dissimilar to my own experience. Josh was kind enough to send you new visitors to my page so we could all become acquainted with each other in a totally-acceptable-on-the-internet way, by talking about our buttholes. Nice to meet you. (BTW Josh, I'm glad your results came back negative. It would have been a real bummer if you'd discovered you have endometriosis too.)

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Things that bother me: Loud ass music blaring from cars. It doesn't matter whether it's rap, country, metal mania, or big-top-circus-style tejano. I don't want to hear your shitty music. I want to hear MY shitty music.

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Boyfriend, Pearl and I recently stayed with Boyfriend's sister for the weekend. She and her husband threw together this hearty and delicious breakfast that I'm pretty sure I had thirds and fourths of. If you're anything like me (lucky you), you like to strap on the old feedbag the morning after you've been out on a bender. And if so, this is just the meal to do it with.

Vicki's Hangover Scramble (I took the liberty of naming it myself.)

Ingredients:
-Eggs
-Cheese
-Bacon
-Frozen hash browns potatoes
-Bell Peppers
-Onion

Directions:
Cut bacon into bite sized pieces and cook. In a separate skillet, brown potatoes. Add julienne peppers and dice onions. If you want to save yourself some time, just use the Ore-Ida hash browns that come with potatoes and onion already mixed in. So basically, this is where things get dicey. I'm not sure if Vicki scrambled her eggs in a third skillet or just mixed them straight into the potatoes. I'm going to say just add them to the potatoes. And throw the bacon on top. And also, feel free to add any leftover meat from dinner the night before (she added kielbasa). Heat until cooked. Then eat the shit out of it.


Boner'ppetite.

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Remember my last entry- the one on the royal wedding? Well, it looks like I did such a fab job on my wedding fashion recap that people from all over the world started visiting my page. That's right, I'm big time now. I got a whopping 316 pageviews for that one entry (of which I'm still getting as we speak), 193 of those being unique views. And as if that weren't enough, the average time spent on that post was 2:14. That means people were actually REEEEADING and looking at shit on my page. I know to most of you all that shit above makes no sense. But to a techie blognerd like me, it means a lot. Ahhh, I'm so proud of myself. Nevermind that I didn't get any new followers or even one comment from a new visitor. I'll save that rant for another day.

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I posted this morning at Sprocket Ink. You can check it out HEEERE. Usually my Sprocket Ink posts are more about current events and less about my life and shit. However, today's post DOES have something to do with food... Two birds, one stone.

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Also, if you haven't joined my Facebook group yet, what are you waiting for?? I'll even make it easy for you- JUST.CLICK.HERE. Thanks! Seriously.

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31 is the New Black. (Part 1)

Last Friday was my birthday!!! Yes, my birthday really is on April Fools! And yes, I really am the big old boring 31. Somehow it seems like 30 was more acceptable, like it was still grouped with the 20's, so I was cool with last year's birthday. But I feel like 31 is kind of grouped more with the 40's and I'm feeling old and like my obsession with Judge Judy is all making sense now.


Anyway.


Friday night we had a few friends over for my birthday party. It wasn't anything big because I'm not rich and everyone knows house parties always SEEM cheap, but end up costing $arm and $leg because you wouldn't be caught dead running out of food or drink so you always stock up enough to feed 20x the amount of people actually invited. Originally, I couldn't make up my mind about how I wanted to spend the evening: A nice dinner out with Boyfriend... Inviting a bunch of friends out to the pub... House party... I opted against the private dinner because we can really do that anytime. And I nixed the pub because all of my friends are married avec kids and they can't get sitters and don't have money to blow at the bars (that makes two of us) and act like recluses at the mere mention of going out in public. So all things considered, I was very happy to have a little get together at home.


Since I'm not a fancypants, everything at my party was on the cheap. I purchased Pillsbury Funfetti cupcake mix and frosting and made the cakes myself.



Party hats and plates: Dollar bin at Target.



My favorite decoration of all: The birthday banner that Boyfriend made on the down low.




The party menu consisted of chicken dino-bites, frozen CPK pizzas, chips, veggies and dip. Why? Because I like them.



The night was spent shooting the shit while drinking White Russians, PBR's, and shots of whiskey.











Once everyone was nice and too-liquored-up-to-be-embarrassed, we fired up the ol' Rock Band.











And don't forget the gifts and cake.



The rager lasted into the wee hours of 12:30am. (We're wild. I know.)

I really had SUCH a great time and I'm so grateful for all the cool people in my life- friends, family, bloggers, commenters, etc. I'm really not even joking. Looking back and knowing I was thiiiiiiiis close to canceling my party because I got in a funk Thursday night (thanks for slapping some sense into me, Boyfriend), I'm so glad I didn't.

Happy Birthday to me.

The birthday festivities continued all weekend long, so expect like two more entries about this booshet. For now, I'll leave you with a quick vid from me and Biscuit.

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Sprocket Ink - You Can Find Me Here.

Something great has taken place here, friends. And I'm not just talking about the return of McDonald's Filet-O-Fish (aka "Catholic Friday"). A blogger by the name of Jerrod (from The Yellow Factor) started up a new blogging site called Sprocket Ink and asked me to one be of the contibuting editors. When I first got the invite I was totally not surprised at all and patted myself on the back for climbing my way up the blogging ladder. But my self-admiration was quickly replaced by flattery and excitement over the idea that someone else (who's actually not a family member) thinks my writing is noteworthy.

So, starting tomorrow I will be featured HERE every Tuesday at 11am PST (I use "at" loosely) and Thursday at 8am. (Heads up- tomorrow's entry is titled "Looking to Start a New Career? Let's Talk.") Please take a few minutes to check out all the great bloggers involved in this project- their bios can be found here. And feel free (please.please.please.) to add Sprocket Ink to your regular blog visits.


Since there was cause to celebrate tonight (Ahem- see above), Boyfriend and I blessed the night with alcoholic beverages and video games. -Whiskey Sours and Super Mario, to be exact. Since I'm sure most of my readers enjoy Mario and drinking as much as I do, I'm going to share our recipe for Whiskey Sour and hope you rejoice as well. (Make them, they're good. I downed two in like eight minutes.) (Just kidding, Mom.) (No seriously.)


WHISKEY SOUR


Ingredients:
2 oz. bourbon
1 oz lime juice
1 oz. lemon juice
1 tbsp sugar
Orange slice
Maraschino cherry


Directions:
In a rocks glass combine bourbon, lime juice, lemon juice, and sugar. Stir until dissolved. Add ice cubes. Garnish with orange and cherry.


Happy drinking, and don't forget to check out Sprocket Ink!

Recipe courtesy of last month's Anyone Can Cook magazine.

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Famous People Like Me.

Believe me when I tell you the most unbelievable thing happened Saturday night. -Which was quickly followed by the next most unbelievable thing.

I received a friend request on Facebook from a CELEB! -And by celeb, I really mean pseudo celeb. But he gets paid to be on TV, so that's all that matters to me.

Some background info: I MAY be a little obsessed with Current TV. (I use the word "obsessed" loosely. This is actually nothing like my obsession with Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.) The person who friend requested me happens to be one of the main Current TV personalities: Ben Hoffman. So when I saw his picture pop up as wanting to be friends with me, I nearly diarrhea'd all over my computer. I mean, if we're going to be honest here, I wasn't really THAT surprised that he wanted to be friends with me seeing as how worldly and clever I am. So naturally, I accepted.

I immediately clicked on his wall to see if this was the real deal Holyfield. And it was. It was not a fan page or a group page or any of that shit. Ben Hoffman and I were about to be fucking besties.

I imagined all the comically genius insults that were about to go flying. I would make fun of his hat. He would make fun of my mustache. It would be great. So I started the new-friend banter by going to his wall, where it says "Ben Hoffman and TILTE are now friends" and adding the comment "La-la-la-LIKE!" I then patted myself on the back because if there's anything that's funny, it's liking your own comment.



Well friends, this is where things got ugly.

Not five minutes later, WE.WERE.NO.LONGER.FRIENDS.

I know. I'm just as shocked as you.

I thought it MUST be a computer glitch- The Hoffster and I were like THIS. I refreshed my page 500 times and each time, we were STILL no longer friends. I was a little bit in shock and awe over the whole episode, but actually managed to shrug it off because he's a TV personality and that's one of the perks of being famous: "Let's be friends!" :::lurk lurk lurk::: UNFRIEND.

But then this morning, it all came back to me and I realized Ben Hoffman and I should totally be friends. So I sent him the following message:

"My name's TILTE and we were friends once, remember? I know we had our ups and downs, but I say let bygones be bygones and let's start this party train over again, shall we?

We can totally forget about that time I commented
"La-la-la-LIKE" on our friendship status. That was sofa king lame.

Your
friend,
TILTE"

If this doesn't win him over, I don't know what will. (Ben- if you're reading this, we're still cool, right...?)

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Another Meme? I'm So Cool.

Well look at this y'all- I've been tagged in another meme. It looks like all that soul searching, and bribing, and colonoscoping has finally paid off. The people, they want more TILTE. And really, who am I to deny the masses?

The Tsaritsa over at The Tsaritsa Sez tagged me in a meme that's actually something a little different from the norm. It involves pen and paper and moving your hand in a way that doesn't result in tap-tap-tap and carpal tunnel.

Instructions:
-Answer the following questions in written format.

1. What's your name/your Blogger name?
2. What's your blog's name/URL?
3. Write "the quick fox jumps over the lazy dog"
4. Favorite quote?
5. Your favorite song?
6. Your favorite band/singers?
7. Anything else you want to say?
8. Tag 3-5 other people

(Click photo to enlarge because I'm no HTML wizard and I don't know how to make this shit bigger.)

They say you can tell a lot about a person based on their writing. Anyone with a legit* Penmanship Reading degree, feel free to tell me all about myself. -And skip the obvious stuff, like how I'm super beautiful and lactose intolerant.

*actually, it doesn't matter how legit your Penmanship Reading degree is, I'll take whatever you can give me

In Other Nonsense...

I'm thinking of doing my first vlog! I'm really excited and hopefully you guys will help me out by flooding my inbox with questions for me to answer. It can be a serious question or a silly question or a whatever question. Just send it to TILTE@live.com over the next few weeks. Depending on how well the questioning goes, I'll post it around March 1st. If nobody sends me anything, we'll pretend this paragraph never happened.

THANKS!!!

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I was Tagged- Stuff I Love.

The always sweet and fashion savvy NikosMommy at Fabulous! (Pasta Not Included...) tagged me in a post about My Favorite Things. She must know how much I like to talk about myself.

Let's get this party sharted!

FIVE CURRENT LOVES

1. Topsiders. If you don't know what these are, just imagine the shoes you'd wear sailing your boat around Cape Cod while eating oysters and sporting a cardigan tied over your shoulders. Yep. Those are the ones.

Except I prefer they not be ratty and beat up like my pair above. Um. I'm not sure if you can tell by my quality pic or what, but they're old as hell. And I wear them, like, everyday. I saw a brown pair of Sperry Topsiders at The Rack the other day, and although I'd really prefer the blue pair, saving myself $25 (plus shipping) is totally how I roll. Fingers crossed I get drunk enough this weekend to not care about spending money.

2. Red/ White/ Blue Stripes. I love striped clothing, especially in those colors. If it makes me feel like a wealthy, nautical, yacht-owning person and/or a French mime, I NEED IT. Important Note: NOT to be confused with American flag themed attire.

No,these are not dust rags. They're my actual clothes.


3. Uncrustables. That's right. I'm talking about those circle shaped bites of Heaven that are found in your local freezer section. Listen friends, I don't even LIKE peanut products and I've been eating these every day for the past three weeks straight out of SHEER.ADDICTION.

It's like crack served between two slices of Weber's bread. :::droooool:::

4. My New Tattoo. Okay, so here's the story with the tattoo. The first gift Boyfriend ever gave me was a little keychain character called Poop Dog. I fell in love instantly and it's actually one of the reasons why I think Boyfriend is so great.

With all this recent shit with my health going on, I've realized what a caring and positive support Boyfriend has been. Aaaand since we'd both been wanting to get a tattoo for a while (and wtf am I waiting for already) we decided to get matching tattoos.

What! I know!

It didn't take long for us to decide what we wanted...

I know, I love it too! We're.So.Bad.Ass.


5. Mark Ronson's Bang Bang Bang. I've been obsessed with this song since I first heard it last summer and my love for it still hasn't waned in the slightest.



Mark Ronson and the Business Intl - Bang Bang Bang on MUZU.

I'll tell you why I love everything about this song.

-It involves two of my favs: Speaking French and Japanese game shows
-Nutella
-80's influenced video
-It makes my ears drool every time I hear it
-Synthesizers
-Mark Ronson is a babe-a-rino
-I get to put my four years of French to work
-Star Tours-like effect with the shooting stars
-The whole Ronson family is a little cuckoo and therefore I love them
-The girl in the beginning of the video looks like a little TILTE

Enough said.

FIVE QUESTIONS

Favorite Make-up Brand: Well, I'm totally not a brand loyal shopper and I'm really not the best at taking care of my skin. I'd like to say M.A.C. because it brings out my inner drag queen, but I really only have, like, 5 M.A.C items in my whole makeup bag. If we're going to be honest here, I'd probably use colored chalk in my face if I felt I could get away with it.

Favorite Clothing Brand: I don't have a favorite clothing brand either. I like to mix my shit up and shop everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean everywhere that's cheap. I'd say most of my closet consists of thrift store finds, Target, and Forever21. But I'll tell you what I stear clear of- anything with logos or a brand name plastered across it, Uggs, and obviously Ed Hardy. (Obviously.)

Your Indispensable Makeup Product: Lip gloss. It not only brings some life to my shit, it can also double as blush when you're in a pinch. (I know it's a Grandma move, I don't care.) Without that little bit of color on my face, I'm in total crypt-keeper mode.

What Country Would You Like to Visit and Why: (Let the bragging commence...) Wellllll, since I've already been to... France, England, Spain, Italy, the Netherlands, and Greece... I'm going to say I'd like to visit an island resort. Like St. Barts or something. Does that count? I think I'd also like to go to Japan and maybe Argentina.

What is the Last Concert You're Been to: I know this will cause shock and awe amongst you all, but I've never been to a concert. I mean, one time I saw Cake play at a small venue when I went to the Sundance Film Festival, but 1. it was hardly a "concert", and 2. Cake? Seriously?? So... As for concerts I would really love to see, I'm going to say top three would be Air, Ladytron, and Beck.

Alright ladies- tag, you're it.

Stephanie C @ Seriously??... Reeeally?... Seriously?

Bonnie @ Glam Kitten's Litter Box

Coyote Rose @ Dancing on the Bar of Life

Lorraine @ Late to the Party

Kara @ Sunshine Cupcakes

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Alright, I'm Back to Talking About Food. Also Known as: No More Butt Talk.

Before we get to the real deal Holyfield...

Remember that social networking/ blogging site I told you about, Studio30Plus?? They asked me to be a guest writer for their blog magazine. (Looks like all those colonoscopies are finally paying off, amirite??) Check it out here.

As I was saying...

I'm sure I've bragged mentioned it before, but I spent a short time living in London a few years back. It was through the Bunac program and although it was hard being away from all my friends and family, it was a GREAT experience. I met some really cool people that I'm still friends with today (and one not so cool person who won't lose my number- Michael, I'm talking to you) and we usually meet up a few times a year.

Since we all became spoiled when it comes to tea (Thank you Savoy and Ritz Carlton), we always meet up for an Afternoon Tea. This time we tried a tea room we've never been to before: Royal-T in Culver City.

This place has an industrial feel to it- raised ceilings, exposed ductwork, cement flooring. The front section is more like an art studio-slash-gift shop. This area alone gives Royal-T some major street cred.

The view when you first walk in.

In the art studio area...


A section devoted to everything Barbie. :::Droooooool:::


Mini chandeliers.


My FAVORITE item in the shop: The Little Wanderer by Yoshitomo Nara. It has wheels underneath and when you drag it backwards, it winds up and wobbles across the floor. :::Mega drooooools:::

Some art pieces on the way to the dining area.

The crowning glory at Royal-T???

All the waitresses are super Asian (and by "super Asian", I mean beautiful and courteous and have tiny voices). Their uniforms look like Alice in Wonderland had a baby with Flo from Mel's Diner and that baby decided to move into Anime land. These girls are seriously cute and immediately I pretended I was super Asian just like them.

Royal-T offer about 10-12 teas to choose from. I ordered their namesake, the Royal Tea, which was basically a sweetened black tea steeped in milk.

I've never been a plain tea/ plain coffee drinker, so I had a feeling I was going to like this little diddy. Well let me tell you, my tea was fucking delightful. I ended up drinking nearly the whole pot by the end of my visit. Now, if you're not one for cream and sugar and bells and whistles, this may not be the right one for you. But if you're like me and try to make everything taste like candy, this drink is the perfect choice.

The High Tea (This is totally a misnomer based on some quick internet research I conducted. It should definitely be called the Afternoon Tea.) consisted of four finger sandwiches, a slider, and some mini desserts. I substituted an extra egg salad and curry chicken salad sandwiches instead of the lox and seared tuna because those raw fishes make me nervous. I wasn't crazy about the curry chicken mostly because I didn't know ahead of time it was going to be a CURRY chicken salad (the waitress only called it "chicken salad"). And the egg salad wasn't much better- it had almost no flavor at all. BUT! The kobe slider was SO good, it almost completely made up for the duds in the sandwich department.

The portions seemed tiny. Surprisingly though, they got the job done and I didn't even eat all of my meal.

One of the desserts was this brown spongey thing. I had a few bites and really liked it. My mouth couldn't put it's finger on where I knew the flavor from, but I still knew that I liked it. My friend Tricia said it was a Green Tea Flan. Hm. Interesting. Not something I would have ordered on my own, but it was good nonetheless.

(I have lazy eyeballs. I already know.)

On our way out, we spotted an exhibit based on Warhol photos.



Guests were encouraged to go into the photobooth, attach one of their photos from their photobooth strip to an index card, and clip onto a prehung string for all future patrons to see. Well, since the camera loves me (naturally), we were all over that shit.

Ta-da!

Also important to note: Royal-T is available as a rental space. (Click here and watch the video to see what this place is really about.). If anyone plans on throwing a party here, I'm totally available.

Overall, a great experience at Royal-T, but mostly because of the art scene and novelty of coolness. I would give this place 3.5 out of 5 chins.

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Pubic Service Announcement.

Ok, I want to take a moment to point out that in between my last two poop entries the unthinkable happened.

I lost a follower.

Maybe my butthole hijinx are too much for some people's fragile eyeballs, but I don't think I really ever write about anything TOO weird or unacceptable. My point in sharing these stories with you is partly (hopefully) to give you something to laugh at, but also just to share my random experiences. I'm not getting paid to go out and look for weird shit to blog about- this weird shit is just my life.

(Important Note: I'm totally open to getting paid if anyone out there wants to commission my work.)

Maybe my honesty is too much for certain readers, in which case that's fine. Unfollow. I only want followers who enjoy my writing and stories anyway. -That's actually not true, I'll take followers whether they like me or not. But seriously folks, it's fine if this isn't your thing.

Now that I got that shit outta the way, I want to tell you all about Studio30Plus. It's like a social networking site for bloggers over 30. I only just recently joined (the website and facebook page too) and I'm still totally new to it all. So imagine my surprise when I saw I was nominated for the BEST FEMALE BLOGGER AWARD!!!!!!

Dudes, I'm not even shitting you right now. People like me (I use the word "people" loosely. I really only needed one vote to make it through to this round.) I'm totally not expecting to win because I'm way too new to this game and haven't worked up nearly enough PR to rig that shit in my direction. But I'm soOoOoo excited to even be nominated. In honor of making it this far, I'm going to celebrate this weekend by wearing one of my fanciest dresses and eating banana splits while watching tivo'd episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker.



So go to their website and vote. And maybe even send them messages on facebook harassing reminding them how great I am. (I don't even know if that would hold any credibility, but it's worth a shot.)

File this one under B for "bragging".

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2011: Let's Get This Party Sharted.

I don't know what it is about the new year that makes everyone decide to throw their money down the nearest 24Hr Fitness' toilet, eat nothing but water and dust (<-- that vid made me lose my shit the first time I saw it), and swear up and down how they're going to be a better person.


It seems like I've come across a bevy of emo blogs lately that are all about how shitty life is. I get it, sometimes life reeeeeally sucks. Mine included. But if there's one thing I don't want to read about when life hands me shit it's someone else's unhappiness. I lurk on other people's blogs because I like to read hilarious/ interesting/ gossipy shit and I assume that's why other people come to my blog. So I'm not going to bore you with sad tales from yesteryear.


Instead, I'm going to share my master plan for 2011 and why it's going to rock my fucking face off.


1. Being proactive about my guts. I'm taking vitamins, Lactaid, and Oil of Evening Primrose RELIGIOUSLY. "Oil of Evening Primrose? What's that for, TILTE?" Well, all symptoms seem to be pointing to endometriosis up in my shit and since I don't want to pay the $300 copay for a Colons Gone Wild video, I'm just going to assume that's what it is. Oil of Evening Primrose is supposed to help ward off that fucking monster that rides the party train all around my insides every month and makes me want to hari kari my brains out. So far it seems to be doing it's job. Fingers crossed, mother fuckers.


2. Staying on top of my blog. Shit happens all the time that I take pictures of and have a good chuckle to myself while saying "Ohhhhhh man! I can't wait to share that with my best friend, Blog!!!" And then one tivo'd episode of Judge Judy later and it's forever erased from my memory bank. This year I want to up my facebook group members, get some commentary going (don't be escared- I LOVE facebook comments) and DEFINITELY get my blog followers to the big fucking 100 milestone. (To all you secret lurkers- I see you stopping by. I see your visits from Prior Lake MN, Ridgecrest CA, Mcminnville TN. It's time to join the club already. Unless you've already joined. In which case, thanks for joining.)


3. Experimenting in the kitchen. No, I'm not referring to crazy shit like drugs or placentas. These past few months I've really enjoyed trying out new recipes. Some have been winners, some have been losers, and some have been WTF's, but I realized that I fucking love cooking, baking, eating, sharing, and repeating. This is going to be the year of TILTE in the Kitchen. In related news, it may also be the year of Small Kitchen Fires, Accidental Food Poisoning, and Antacids: A Hero in the Making.

2011, I'm ready for you, you sonuvabitch.

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Domo Arigato.

I'm suing for using my likeness.




If you want the full story, go here.

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Magician's Assistant

I know. I'm totally falling behind again. I'm a shitty friend, I'm never there when you need me, etc. But on the bright side, I got REALLY great deals on face cream, foot scrub and TWO shower gels at TJ Maxx today!!! Every cloud has a silver lining, right...?

I have an entry all lined up, but I just can't get myself to get to work on it. In lieu of this imaginary blog baby, I'm going to give you a recycled blog entry I wrote on my MySpace wall (shock, I know, MySpace??? Wtf is that???) back in June of '08.

Picture it, Sicily, 1928...

Keith and I decided to take our 20th holiday this month and go to Vegas again. We were fooled into thinking the Luxor is a nice hotel because the casino plays dance music that makes me want to wiggle and "stars" like Audrina from The Hills have their birthday parties there. Our room sucked and this is why: The window had greasy forehead prints on it, there was no full length mirror, and the 85 thread-count bedspread had a print that looked like Egyptian Where's Waldo.

(This is Audrina, not TILTE. I know, people make that mistake ALLLLLL the time. It's ridiculous, really.)

Other than the room, we actually had a really good time. We went to see the shark reef at Mandalay Bay and now I want to own a giant swimming turtle. We also went to the Titanic exhibit, which was totally fabulous. Despite it not having a cheezy photo opp for Keith to hold on to me as a lean out over a fake ocean, it was definitely something I would recommend going to. It had lots of cool photos, recreated ship rooms, and explained some really interesting stuff like the differences between the passenger classes. Most interesting fact at the exhibit: Most of the people who died from the Titanic crash actually died from freezing to death, not drowing. I want to become a Titanic aficionado.

The best part of the whole trip was Penn and Teller. Do you know who Penn and Teller are? They're the best magicians in the world because they don't try to wine and dine you with magic wands or clouds of smoke or Affliction t-shirts or goatees from 1994. Instead, they tell you exaaaaactly how they're going to trick you. AND.THEN.THEY.TRICK.YOU. And even then, it's still amazing. The highlight of the show was when Penn came down into the audience to pick an assistant from the crowd. Being the suave and sophisticated babe I am, Penn naturally fell in love with me and took me on stage to be the girl-who-stands-in-front-of-a-wall-while-magician-throws-daggers. I could see exactly what they were doing, but still, it was pretty radical that I was selected to be a magician's assistant in Vegas. And by I could see exactly what they were doing, I mean I shit my pants the second Penn made eye contact with me.

I have to admit, I was pretty fucking nervous when he stood me up against the painted female silouette on the wall... -Because she just happened to have one arm positioned up over her head... And I just happened to have the sweatiest armpits on the face of the planet. I thought my drippy pits were going to make both Penn and Teller do a vanishing act fosho. Luckily, Keith told me afterwards you couldn't see anything. After the whole show finished, I took a picture with P&T in the foyer and audience members kept coming up and telling me I did a great job. -Which probably means they could tell I looked nervous as hell. It doesn't really matter... I'm still a celeb and I'll be signing autographs after this blog is posted.

(Teller totes wanted to adopt me. I could tell.)

(Penn totes wanted to marry me. I could tell.)

You are friends with a bonerfied celebrity.

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MORE AWARDS?!?! Dreams are coming true, folks...

Mega sorries for the delay since my last post. If you're anything like I imagine you are, I'm sure all 6 of you have had some pretty restless nights and many days were spent viciously refreshing your blogroll.

So I'm back. And guess what! (I know. There's no surprise because I can't keep a secret and already spilled those beans up there in the title.) I have more aWaRdS!!!
Shall I do the honors?? Of course, I shall.

Thankyou thankyou thankyous to my new internet besties (Note: Anyone who gives me an award gets an automatic promotion to this prestigious status) Lacey Ree at This Freckled Lemonade, Jessica at Cheese Grater in Paradise, and Coyote Rose at Dancing on the Bar of Life. All of these lovely ladies think that MY blog is worthy of the (wait for it.......) Versatile Blogger Award!!! And if three separate geniuses happen to think I'm a versatile blogger, well, who am I to argue.

In fact, I'm so versatile, I googled images for "Versatile Blogger" and picked another image to use as my award. This is cutting edge stuff here, people.

According to the rules of the world wide web, the award goes something like this:

1. Thank the award giver. (Duh. I'm not turning my backs on you now, mes amis.)

2. Share seven things about yourself. (Only seven??? This is where I may have some difficulties.)

3. Nominate new award winners and let them know. (Oh, don't you worry. Check and check.)

Ok, so since THREE (did you catch that? I said THREE) people nominated me, I feel it's only natural to share 21 things about myself. And for those of you who are my real-life friends, most of these may seem familiar because they've been recycled from a Facebook note.

1. I don't like chocolate, marshmallow, coconutz, or peanut stuff.

2. When I was around 8 years old I begged my mom for L.A. Gear shoes. For Christmas she got me cheap knock-offs because we didn't have a lot of money. I wanted to DIE. Now I look back and think it's lame that it bothered me so much.

3. There's a rumor going around that I got wasted and puked at a Bat Mitzvah.

4. My college roommate Katie and I backpacked across Europe- London, Paris, Barcelona, Valencia, Rome, and Amsterdam to be exact. It was the trip of a lifetime.

5. I wish I had the time/ money to take fine art classes again.

6. Try putting a dress on a cat. You'll love the way it looks, I guarantee. And by looks, I mean paralyzes.

7. I'm lactose intolerant. Despite my gastrointestinal tract's pleas for mercy, half of my diet consists of butter and cheese. (Shout out to my homie Lactaid Fast Act.)

8. Accidentally saying "Reece's Penis" (instead of Reece's Pieces) or "Beaver Cleavage" (instead of Beaver Cleaver) or that you want to live in a "condom" (instead of a condo) when you are little is NOT funny.

9. I made it all the way to the state level of the Science Fair. I have the trophy to prove it.

10. As a kid I had imaginary friends who were mice named Kiki and Kuku.

11. One day in college Susie and I thought it would be funny if I played a trick on Rawnie by telling her to wear a certain outfit (I had the EXACT same one, head to toe) to class the next day. So, the next day I wore the same outfit and caused a scene saying "Oh my god, I TOLD you I was going to wear this today! Why would you do that?!?"

12. I lovelovelove disco music- my favorite song is "You Make Me Feel" by Sylvester. I wish Studio54 was still around and I was cool enough to get in.

13. A few years back I was taking Christmas photos of my sister and her kids all dressed up. My niece Annalise was sitting on my lap all prim and proper in her Christmas dress when she accidentally farted. I laughed so hard, launching her off my lap saying "Ewwwww, Annalise- gross!!!" She got really embarrassed and ran out of the room, crying. I still think it's funny.

14. One time in Vegas, I was pulled on stage by Penn and Teller to be a magician's assistant. I will share this story with you at a later date.

15. It makes me sad when I see older people working minimum wage jobs. That's someone's grandparent, they should be relaxing with their grandkids, not cleaning up my dirty dishes.

16. I will take a Stella over a glass of wine, any day.

17. My favorite genre of music is 80's New Wave. There aren't nearly enough dance clubs that cater to this type of enjoyment.

18. I have a deep-rooted fondness for carbohydrates. And horchata.

19. My favorite toy as a child was a dollhouse my Grandpa bought me. From the thrift store.

20. Sometimes when I'm at my desk I find it hard to concentrate on anything other than my bellies hanging over my jeans.

21. I lived in a UCLA frat house one summer. Talk about disgusting.

I am now passing this magnificent award on to...

Danielle at So Here's What You Missed...

Ally at Fourth Grade Nothing

Asha Lanae at ...Project Me

RN Mama at 29 and Holding...

Junks at Junket Juice

And for my next bit of totally believable unbelievable news, Sara Louise from Le Petite Village has ALSO given me an award!!! That's right. Amazing things are happening.

For this award, you need to list ten things that make you happy. Since I could be here all day, I'm going to limit my answers. Here we go...
1. Good makeup days.
2. Good parking spots.
3. Good meals.
4. Good deals.
5. Making food that isn't poisonous.
6. Being goofy with friends.
7. Playing Rock Band.
8. Doing things well. Whatever it is. Doesn't matter.
9. Hearing favorite songs on the radio.
10. Dressing up for costume parties.

And now I'm bestowing this lovely over to NikosMommy at Fabulous! (Pasta Not Included). Congrats!

And thank you to all my besties!!!

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Opinions... I Need Some.

Essiting news- I'm gonna be featured on a comedic community blog in a few weeks! I mean, it's not like they hand picked me or anything. It's more like you just submit an entry and they tell you when it's going to be posted. But still, I'm essited!

So I submitted my entry back on like day 2 of my blog... aka, when I wasn't very funny. I want to do a switcharoo to up my funny in time for the post and I need your help.

Which blog entry is your favorite??? (Please make sure to limit yourself to one of MY blog entries, thank you.)

In other food news...
Today I grabbed lunch at a new Jersey Mike's that just opened up three weeks ago. When it was my turn at the counter, one of the sandwich doods asked if I usually go to the Westlake store, which I did. He totally remembered me from like the total of five visits I'd had at the other location that had been over a year ago! That's some service!!! To you, sandwich dood, Thank You for making my day.

Also, thank you for not fucking up my order.

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You're Going Places Award!

Look at that- a Christmas miracle! Someone has given me another award. The first time around I was convinced that one of my internet besties had made an internet error and cut/paste the wrong blog url somewhere. But now that I've received my second award, I'm pretty sure it's just because my blog is off-the-chain magical and gets you VIP service in Hollywood clubs.

Big ups to Island Gal for bestowing upon me the You're Going Places Award. Thank you, thank you, and once again I'd like to thank the academy. And by academy, I mean the mountain of parmesan cheese I ate back on 6/25 that obviously wowed the pants off the masses.

So, the deal with this award is that you have to state where you picture yourself in 10 years. Well, anyone who knows me knows this is actually a hard one because I usually don't even think farther than my next tivo'd episode of Judge Judy. With that said... here's my life forcast...

In ten years, I imagine that I will be paid billions by a creative company who can see past my lack of design degree and hires me because I am rad and bring in baked goods. I will probably have like two kids or something. For sure a daughter (who may or may not be named Moxie Crimefighter)... I MAY be persuaded to birth a son, but don't hold your breathing on that one. I will drive all around town in one of the following badass cars:



I will probably live in the Monsanto House of the Future. In between my career and being beautiful, I will drive my kids to ballet recitals and tennis matches because even though they will only be three and four years old, they are child prodigies.

Plastic surgery will have advanced so much by then, I will have completely morphed myself into Zooey Deschanel.

Or at least more like those cute little ajins that look especially darling with their peace sign fingers (and less like the ajins who sing Whitney Houston songs).


I will definitely still be blogging but I will totally have at least 56 followers by then. I will also still think the original Nintendo was the best thing ever invented.

Now, time to pass the torch... I am sending my blog love and awards over to...

Allison at The Adventures of Kiddo and Ramona
Debs at Fashion Plate
LaceyRee at This Freckled Lemonade
Erin at Blogging is for Dorks

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