New Things or Something-Something-Blog-Title

As if being 1/2 real Catholic and 1/2 fake Jew wasn't enough of a guilt trip, Facebook just sent me a text reminding me that I haven't posted anything recently, basically asking what I'm doing with my life. 

LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS, OKAY FACEBOOK???

And by important things, I'm actually kind of leaning more towards not important things. Like watching The Bachelor. Did you watch it this season? I think I'm the only woman on the planet who's not smoking bachelor crack and hating all over his Venezuelan ass (Is that where he's from? I don't even know.). Nobody and their mom should have been surprised that JP was a party hard Bachelor4Life; he wreaked of it when he was on the previous season. Except all the dumb stay-at-home-moms drooled all over him and called the producer hotline nonstop trying to get him in the hot seat. Anyway, on the final episode when Chris Harrison kept asking the same damn question over and over again like he had Tourette's and JP was like "I'm not telling her I love her" I was like "GOOD. You stay strong, JP. If homie don't love her and homie don't want to marry her, homie don't play that." Even if the whole thing was a farce and they split up like a day after the show ended, whatever. The whole thing is a shitshow anyway.

"Hola muchachas, let's make besos."

Did you watch the HBO series, True Detective, featuring the devilishly handsome Matthew McConaughey and the devilishly ugly Woody Harrelson? Eric and I watched every episode, feverishly studying the clues and the behind-the-scenes interview to solve the mystery on our own. In the end, it totally fell flat and everything that you expected to happen, happened. (Eric disagrees with me on this and thinks the ending was fantastic.)

BABE ALERT. And then there's Woody H. too.

Speaking of Facebook, it's really been showcasing all of my acquaintances worst, most annoying habits lately, making me question why I even associate with these people. I'm probably just being hateful, but probably not actually. The philosophical posts that have a facade about being about nothing at all but are really more like giant red "I'm crazy" flags are the best/worst. Like when girls post inspirational shit about if you love a woman, you treat her right and buy her a truck and feed her dog and blah blah blah. Which is basically a one-way message obviously directed straight to their significant other who has apparently mistreated them recently. 

Dumb.

As for annoying things going on in my own life, that's much less interesting. Life has been good, which makes for unfunny blog post business. For now, I'll continue to eat my Fruit Loops and Cheetos for dinner and post politically-incorrect-but-funny internet things.

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Recipe: White Velvet Cupcakes with Strawberry Buttercream Frosting

Last week, there was a Valentine's Day bake-off at work and I was drawing a blank on what to bring. I knew that I wanted to try something from scratch- i.e. no box cake. After a few minutes of Googling around, I found a recipe for White Velvet Cupcakes and matched it up with a recipe for Strawberry Buttercream Frosting.

The directions called for using the blessed Kitchenaid mixer- which by the way, I've had for six years and have managed to never use because I feel like it's the fanciest thing I'll ever own and therefore need to preserve it for as long as possible.

Long story short, the ingredients were all items I had here at home, the directions were easy to follow, and unfortunately I did not win the $20 Target gift card at work. (Cinna-Mon-Amour won; cinnamon + cream cheese? Please. It wasn't even a fair battle). But! I did get second place votes and someone asked me for my recipe, so at least there's that.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday and I made her the same cupcake/frosting combo. The directions were even easier the second time around and with the amendments I made below, yielded a more balanced flavor.

I feel like I'm ready to open my own bakery.

White Velvet Cupcakes

Adapted from this recipe at Fifteen Spatulas

Cupcake Ingredients

3 large egg whites
10 tbsp milk (sounds weird, I know)
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups sifted all purpose flour MINUS 4 TBSP
1 cup sugar
2 1/4 tsp baking powder
1 stick salted butter between 65 and 75 degrees (or on the coolish side)
(Frosting recipe below photos)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F (176C).

2. In a small bowl, whisk egg whites, 3 tbsp of milk, and vanilla until combined. It will smell and look like horchata.

3. In a stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment, mix flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt on low for 30 seconds. Add the butter and the rest of the milk and mix on low until the dry ingredients are moistened. Increase the speed to medium and beat for 90 seconds.

4. With the mixer on medium low speed, slowly add half of the egg mixture and beat for 30 seconds. Scrape down the sides and repeat with the remainder of egg mixture. It will be thick, like pancake batter.

5. Pour into lined cupcake pan; fill to approximately half full. Bake for approximately 20-22 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. Remove cupcakes to a wire rack to cool.

6. Once cupcakes have cooled, top with frosting and enjoy!

UPDATE: My mom, niece, Eric, and I all loved them. It was noted that the frosting was the best part. My brother-in-law thought they were muffins. I'm not sure what that says about my baking/presentation skills.

Strawberry Buttercream Frosting

Adapted from Add a Pinch

Frosting Ingredients

1 basket of strawberries, sliced
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup water
2 sticks of salted butter
4.5 cups confectioner's sugar
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp milk (optional)

Directions

1. In a small saucepan, combine strawberries, water, and granulated sugar and bring to a boil over medium low heat. Reduce heat and allow to simmer for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and blend until smooth. Chill for 20 minutes or store for future use.

2. Cream butter and 1/2 cup confectioner's sugar, then add 1 tbsp of the strawberry syrup. Repeat until all of the sugar and 7 tbsp of the strawberry syrup have been added. Add vanilla and beat on high for about 20 seconds.

3. If your frosting needs to be thinned out, add milk, starting with 1 tbsp at a time. (Both times that I made the frosting, I didn't need milk at all.)

4. Use immediately or refrigerate up to three days. To bring frosting back to life after refrigeration, allow to reach room temperature, then beat on low until smooth.

Note: My frosting didn't turn out very pink. In fact, it's on the pale side. If you want a more pinky effect, I'd suggest adding a drop of red food coloring.

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Recipe: Raspberry Coconut Layer Bars

The other day, I walked by the kitchen at work and saw these raspberry beauties out on the counter, just begging me to eat them. Not wanting everyone at work to know how well I can tie on the old feedbag, I looked disinterested and nonchalantly grabbed one on my way to my desk, like "Oh hey. What's this. Sure, I'll take one. I guess."

It was the so freaking good, it took everything in me to not go back and eat the whole plate.

After casually inhaling two more, I complimented my coworker Jill on her handywork and basically begged for the recipe.

Hopefully, it's not a secret family treasure because I'm totally sharing it right now with the whole, wide world (and by world, I really just mean my mom and two friends in Casper, WY).

Raspberry Coconut Layer Bars

Ingredients

1 2/3 graham cracker crumbs
1 stick melted butter
7 oz sweetened flaked coconut
14 oz can sweetened condensed milk
1 cup raspberry jam (roughly 3/4 of the jar, if you don't feel like measuring)
1/2 cup chopped, toasted walnuts

Directions

Preheat oven to 350.

1. Mix together graham cracker crumbs and butter. Press into a compact crust in a 9x13 baking dish.

2. Spread coconut evenly over crust.

3. Pour condensed milk evenly over coconut.

4. Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until the edges turn golden.

5. Let cool, then evenly spread jam over everything. (It will seem like there's not enough, but there is.)

6. Chill 3 - 4 hours. Top with toasted walnuts; you may want to use more than 1/2 cup. As you can see in the photos, it's on the sparse side.

7. Cut into squares/ rectangles and serve!

I made these for our Super Bowl party and they were a fucking hit. Not to mention, they were super easy to make. Anything that's easy to throw together and makes me look like I know what I'm doing in the kitchen gets a thumbs up in my book. Five chins all around!

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An Estate Sale Like No Other.

We went to an estate sale this past weekend and it turned into something of an obsession for me.

As we pulled up to the old house, we noticed that the outside had been neglected for quite some time. The yard looked like the Swamp of Sadness from The Neverending Story. As we pulled around to the back, we realized the house was much bigger than our initial impression. 

We started in the garage. Eric was looking through all the boring man-stuff and I told him I was heading inside. Only I didn't make it past the garage threshold because the narrow makeshift hallway looked like something out of a haunted house. I waited till Eric was done and we made our entrance together.

Off of the hallway was a small indoor shed that looked like it was mainly used for gardening supplies. There were vines growing through the cracks in the roof. It looked like something from Flowers in the Attic or American Horror Story. Up till this point, the house wasn't exactly very inviting feeling. However, I'm a sucker for a good vintage deal, so we pushed forward.

We rounded the corner and were immediately met with a stairway. There was a built-in lift chair and it was obvious that this estate sale was because of an older person's passing.

The upstairs consisted of one large bedroom and one large bathroom. The bathroom had double sinks, a built in closet space, and a door that seemed to lead to nowhere, but actually opened up to a small patio space built on the first story roof.

There wasn't too much of interest to us in the bedroom. A pair of super cool boots that probably would have cost $200 at Aldo or Urban Outfitters, but were too small for Eric. Lots of old computer pieces and floppy disks. I also came across an old file folder that contained the quit claim deed for the house that Benjamin Bachman had signed in 1940-something. It showed that he was in the Navy and was a bachelor at the time of purchase.

Downstairs, the first room we walked into was the kitchen. It was huge. And pink.

With all of the narrow hallways and creepy upstairs doors and pink kitchens, it felt like we were in the Winchester Mystery House. (I don't know if you can see, but the kitchen cupboards had pink flowery fabric in the panels.)

The kitchen sink

There were lots of dish sets. I would have loved to have snatched some of these up, especially the pink set, but we didn't really need them, nor do we have the space for them.

The rooms were stocked full of years of treasures. I could walk in a room, look around, leave, come back and find all new items that had been unearthed by fellow shoppers. As I paid more attention to things, I noticed the "haunted" feeling of the house was slowly going away. Instead, I felt more like I was in a house that I had known all of my life. It was like being at a grandparents' house.

I learned that Ben Bachman married a woman named Marjorie.

And that Marjorie played the organ at church for many years.

This is all sheet music

Ben had worked as an engineer at the local naval base. He was very much into building things- like the whole second story of his house- and had attached most of the bookcases in the house to the walls. (It was very earthquake-proof.) Every room had speakers built into the walls.

There were definitely a few interesting things there, like the cord closet...

And these old bottles (you could barely make out the old naval pharmacy address on one)...

And there were some sad things, like newspaper cutouts...

And a pair of glasses buried in a hatbox of old crochet pieces...

But mostly, it was just quick glimpses into the life of a loving, Christian family that had once lived in this house. 

Recipes taped in the kitchen cupboards

(Katie- I thought of you when I saw these. 

By the time I came back into the room, they were both gone.)

Clothing patterns

The original Elf on a Shelf

We ended up buying a few records, the black typewriter from the photo above, a cookie sheet for mini bundt cakes, and two index card boxes full of handwritten recipes. I can't wait to see what family-approved recipes I've just inherited. 

Upon paying for our loot, I struck up a conversation with the woman who was managing the estate sale. She told us that Ben had purchased this house right when he got out of the Navy. He and Marjorie ended up having six children, hence the considerably large kitchen and add-ons. More recently, it was just Ben and his granddaughter living in the house. She was his caretaker. The way the woman described the house upon their arrival sounded something akin to hoarders (minus the filth). In the weeks leading up to the sale, the family came in and cleared out all of the photos and sentimental items. (There was lots of emptied out photo albums left behind. It seemed sad and ghostlike.) Just knowing the amount of cool stuff that was left behind, I can't even imagine what kind of stuff the family took with them. Apparently, it was truckloads full.

In the short amount of time that we were at the house (a couple of hours), I felt like I'd learn so much about these people. It seemed like there had been such a happy family living there, it was almost a shame to leave. 

When we got home, I did some Googling on Ben Bachman. It turns out his son became a captain in the air force and flew a stealth fighter in a local air show. Marjorie had passed away sometime before 2006. 

Ben was born and raised in California. He graduated from UC Berkeley and had participated in the invasion of Normandy, as well as the battle of Iwo Jima and Okinawa. 

In the end, he was surrounded by his family when he passed away peacefully at home. 

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