Recipe: Apple Spice Cake with Caramel Sauce.

As you may or may not remember, I recently made an apple cake. While the recipe was good, I wanted something a little more cakey and a little less bready. I wanted something with real apple chunks (instead of apple sauce) with an icing that wasn't as heavy as the cream cheese frosting from the previous cake.

I knew if anyone would know their shit when it comes to baking, it would have to be Martha Stewart.

I found this new recipe on Martha Stewart's website and tried it out for Eric's family's Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, I basically ate my weight in French onion dip and Fritos and turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and chardonnay, so there wasn't much room for dessert. But being the devoted baker I am, I managed to shove a slice down my throat. And let me tell you, it was gooooood. The caramel glaze REALLY makes this cake a treat.

APPLE SPICE CAKE WITH CARAMEL SAUCE
According to MarthaStewart.com

INGREDIENTS
1 1/3 cup vegetable oil
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 cups sugar
3 large eggs
4 Granny Smith apples, cored and cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans
1 tsp pure vanilla

CARAMEL SAUCE
1 cup light brown
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1/4 cup evaporated milk
1 tsp pure vanilla
Pinch of salt


DIRECTIONS FOR CAKE
1. Preheat oven to 350 F (176 C). Spray a bundt pan with cooking spray; set aside.

2. Working over a large sheet of parchment paper, sift together flour, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to combine vegetable oil, sugar, and eggs. Mix on high speed until batter is lemon yellow.

4. Fold parchment paper in half, creating a valley where the sifted ingredients gather. With a mixer on medium speed, slowly add in dry ingredients until just incorporated.

5. Add apples and nuts to batter. Mix till just incorporated. Same for vanilla.

6. Pour batter into prepared pan and bake for 75 - 90 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into the the thickest part of the cake comes out dry.

7. Remove from oven and cool slightly on a wire rack.


8. Invert cake onto rack; turn cake right-side up to cool completely on rack.

9. Serve with drizzled caramel sauce.

DIRECTIONS FOR SAUCE
1. Combine ingredients in a small saucepan over medium heat. Cook, stirring, until sauce has reached desired consistency.

NOTE:
-The apples and nuts were my favorite parts of the cake. You really can't overdo the apples in this recipe, in my opinion.

-I added more evaporated milk to the caramel sauce than what the recipe called for. I'm guessing it was closer to 1/3 cup. I like the taste of evaporated milk (Ew! Gross!) and I wanted a runnier consistency.

-Keep an eye on the cake as it gets closer to its "done-cooking" time. I made this cake again two days later and left it in the oven a touch too long. It resulted in the apples along the outer edge looking like mini burnt briquettes. Since I didn't want those burnt bits ruining my cake, I just plucked them all out and figured the sauce would hide the holes. In actuality, the sauce did not hide the holes, and instead, my cake had a  Swiss cheese effect to it... with caramel sauce pooling in the potholes.

-The caramel sauce really is the star of this cake. The more sauce you can get on your slice, the better. It has a little more flavor than standard caramel, maybe closer to a thinned out dulce de leche. It was gooood.

This cake is really easy to make. And it feeds a lot of people. Try it out for your next holiday gathering!

Boner'ppetite!

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A Recycled Vlog from My Facebook Page.

A couple weeks back, I asked on my Facebook page for some on-the-spot vlogging topics. I was bored, and had important things to do. Which essentially means, I was not doing said important things, and instead, wasting time and begging for vlog topics.

Michael chimed in and asked about restaurants that I'd recommend in the Ventura County area.

And then... the vlog was reborn.

The bad news is that it probably won't benefit you if you don't live in the area. The good news is that it might not even benefit you if you DO live the area because I'm the world's worst restaurant critic.


RESTAURANT RECOMMENDATIONS IN VENTURA COUNTY


Here's the link to my Facebook post. I'd upload the actual video, but it's too big and I can't figure out how to resize it and The People's Court is starting in 15 minutes and I need a nap.

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Things I Hate: Generic Family Photos

Eric and I were talking the other night about family photos. Specifically, the fact that we need to take a picture for our Christmas cards before Christmas has come and gone and we're sending out Christmas-themed Easter photos.

The conversation quickly reminded me how much I hate certain types of family portraits. That "certain type" being the staged, contrived ones where everyone in the family wears a white button-down shirt and jeans/ khakis because that's what lame-brain photographers tell them will make them really "pop" and that these photos will be "timeless."

In case you happen to live on another planet, allow me to show you exhibits A, B, and C:

(This is also Xzibit. But this pic doesn't really apply to the scenario above.)

I don't usually use stock watermarked stock photos, but I opted to this time in order to avoid photographers suing me for talking shit about their dumb photos.

I know where photogs are going with this advice- it's an easy trick to make the subjects stand out. 

I still think it's generic. And when I see photos like these, my laser eyeballs automatically hone in on the crazy matching outfits, not the subjects' faces.

With that said, I love family portraits. I love studying the faces and seeing which characteristics were taken from which parent. I love seeing portraits that span several years of time because then you can see how each person has changed. I love holiday-themed portraits that show the change in seasons or decor. I love seeing portraits from generations past and recognizing fashion styles that have rerun over and over, like old episodes of Gilligan's Island. 

But I really dislike the cookie-cutter, lack of creativity, boring Webers-bread'ness of these white shirt portraits.

If you have family portraits like these, I apologize for pooping all over them. 

Does anyone else feel the same...? I realize I could be way out in left field here and maybe this template for photography is really the best thing ever invented.

Also, if I receive any holiday cards that use this template, we'll pretend this conversation never happened.

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A Trip to the Lady-Doctor.

(Originally written December 04, 2012)

This is going to be one of those posts that makes men- and probably women too- cringe and vacate the premises.

Today I had to go for another medical procedure. Although this one was much less risky/ invasive/ potentially damaging, I was much more stressed/ panicked/ scared shitless. I guess my fear came from the fact that I was going to be wide awake for this procedure. With my surgery, I was knocked the fuck out, so I didn't care what happened. But this time... Knowing there was going to be business going on in my own personal Netherlands while I was totally wide awake to suffer through it all...?? Just thinking about it made me want to take a long walk off of a short pier.

The procedure I went in for is called a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG for short (because nobody can ever remember how to pronounce that long-ass name). It's typically performed on women who have period issues. And since I have, like, every issue known to womankind, I was a prime candidate.

Basically, the procedure goes like this: The patient lies on a table in the exam room, legs in the old heave-ho position. (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.) There's a big X-ray machine overhead that takes photos of the belly area when needed. The radiologist inserts a speculum in your hooha, followed by a catheter that goes into the uterus. A dye is injected, making its way through the uterus, fallopian tubes, and spills out into the body cavity. They take X-rays and send them to your physician for review. The end.

I had read a lot of chat boards about HSGs. While there were women who said it was no biggie, there were a lot more who narrated tales of horror. No joke, I read more than one account that said the pain was worse than being in labor. And I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not down with labor. Other stories included horrible cramping, the dye burning, getting light-headed with the dye injection, nearly passing out afterward. Not to mention: the use of a CERVICAL CLAMP. (Guh. The name alone makes me queesy.) A whole treasure trove of delightful descriptions. All of this, combined with the fact that I have a known condition (endometriosis) that already makes things difficult? Which is why I would randomly burst into weepy tears over the past few days at the thought of VOLUNTARILY subjecting myself to this.

How did your visit go, TILTE? Cut to the chase already.

I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

As soon as my radiologist entered the room, I blurted out that I was scared as shit and I'm sure the insanity shooting from my eyeballs reaffirmed it. He was friendly and comforting and we sat chatting for a bit. -A trick I've seen the veterinarian pull a million times with Biscuit. (You doctor-types know your stuff.) He did the whole procedure very slowly and explained exactly what was happening each step of the way. No pain with the speculum. No pain with the catheter. And I didn't even feel the dye. Sure, it felt awkward and uncomfortable, but what do you expect when your private parts are cranked open and there's a tube hanging out of you? But it wasn't painful. And I was so grateful.

With help from the radiologist- who kept the the tech gear in place- and his assistant- who literally pulled the paper lining that I was laying on to slide me up the table and into X-ray position- it was time for photos. There was some minor tilting of the hips in order to get the right view of my internal organs. And the next thing I knew: It was over. I never got light-headed. I never felt sick. I totally worked myself up over nothing. And! I got to watch the whole thing on a TV screen. My insides lit up like normal!

Maybe I should mention I totally loaded up on meds before my appointment. Norco, Ibuprofen, and Xanax. They are my friends.

If you're planning on having this procedure done, DON'T STRESS ABOUT IT. I did and it totally turned it into an insurmountable obstacle that was messing with my brain. Also, take a sanitary napkin with you to your appointment. Otherwise, you'll walk out of there looking like you just peed your pants.

(Have questions about this procedure? Email me at TILTE at live dot com.)

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"Ladies Who Lunch."

Back in October, I hosted a Ladies Who Lunch. It was essentially an excuse to get together with friends who are either A) unemployed, or B) have random work schedules that give them time off during the work week.

I didn't know how successful the event was going to be since most of my friends are usually busy with their spouses and kids.

Turns out, they'd easily toss those babies aside for a weekday jaunt over to a friend's house for food and drinks. Which is probably why we're such good friends.

I provided two options of finger sandwiches- tuna salad and cucumber/ cream cheese. I also threw together a mixed greens/ goat cheese/ candied walnuts salad. And no luncheon would be complete without booze. But since we're ladies, I classed it up with orange juice and served mimosas. Lastly, I used leftover CandyMelts to make souvenirs. Which I then forgot to distribute and ended up eating myself.

The event was a potluck and my friends did not let me down. They brought a meat/ cheese platter, corn/ black bean salsa, and cupcakes.

Oh my God, did I end up going to town with all that food. I think my face was buried so deep in my plate, I didn't even contribute one word to the conversations.

It ended up being a total success! Thanks to the people involved (Rachel, Rawnie, and Christina) the food, the gossip, the timing- everything went off without a hitch. I've been meaning to plan another get-together, but this whole "unemployed during Christmas time" is totally cramping my style. Hopefully, I'll host another in the near future.

Boner'ppetite!

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Recipe: Old-Fashioned Pumpkin Cookies.

Sometimes I blog about a recipe I've attempted and then I try it again at a later date and end up doing a much better job. So then I blog about it again and pretend like the first time never happened.

This is one of those times.

OLD-FASHIONED PUMPKIN COOKIES 
According to VeryBestBaking.com

INGREDIENTS
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup butter (1 stick), softened
1 cup pure pumpkin
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla
Glaze

GLAZE INGREDIENTS
2 cups sifted powdered sugar
3 tbsp milk
1 tbsp melter butter
1 tsp vanilla


DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 F (176 C). Grease baking sheets.

1. Combine flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt in a medium bowl. Set aside.

2. Beat sugar and butter in a large mixing bowl until well blended. Add pumpkin, egg, and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Gradually add flour mixture until thoroughly combined.

3. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto prepared baking sheets.

4. Bake for 15 - 18 minutes, or until edges are firm. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes.

Remove from sheets and place cookies on wire racks to cool completely.

5. Combine all of the glaze ingredients in a small bowl and beat until smooth. Drizzle glaze over cookies.

NOTE:
Instead of greasing my baking sheets, I just lined them with parchment paper. Baked goods always seem to cook more evenly (I.e. not burning the bottoms) with parchment paper.

I added white chocolate chips to my recipe. I don't remember how much though, so just eyeball it. This recipe yields a cake-like cookie, so the white chocolate chips were the perfect addition to break up the chewiness. If you don't like white chocolate (which is a shame, because really, the white chocolate chips were perfect in these cookies), I'd suggest butterscotch chips.


I made these for a Thanksgiving dinner my family decided to have before Halloween. They were a hit. Not to mention, super easy to make. This is a great recipe for cooking with kids.

Boner'ppetite!

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My Post-Thanksgiving Bod.

I gained four pounds between Thanksgiving and Sunday.

For all you non-mathletes out there, I reckon that's one pound per day.

Showcasing all my hard eating work is the laparoscopy aftermath strewn about my midriff. The combination of five tightly cinched scars on the overextended potbellyness of my new physique is something akin to high-quality, Baroque furniture.

For a nominal fee, I'm available to sit in your tea rooms/salons/ parlours and look fancy.

Basically me.

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Thanksgiving: The Holiday Where I Eat Too Much for Two Months Straight.

Since I'm sure everyone is over and done with the whole "I'm thankful for blah-blah-blah" posts, I'll spare you the thankfulness act. Instead, I'll just overload you with a photo dump from the holiday weekend.

We spent Thanksgiving day with Eric's family. His parents recently bought a new house and this was my first time seeing it. I loved it. I also loved the new furniture. And I especially loved the endless supply of holiday food. In fact, when we first arrived I put away nearly a whole dish of French onion dip/ Fritos all by myself. The pilgrims would have been proud.

Pearl and her cousin working on an archeological dig project that we bought at the Gem and Mineral Show.

Eric's parents, who graciously hosted the delicious meal.

Eric's sister and brother-in-law, Vicki and Tate.

The table setting I fell in love with.

Still in love with it.

Eric and his brother Todd.

Pearl and her cousin modeling holiday attire 2012.

Nephew Mark playing the guitar.

Eric and I doing our best "teenager" impression.

Two days after Thanksgiving, we hosted our own get-together for my family at our house. Since everyone was all turkey'd out, we switched up the menu and went with Mexican. Eric and I slaved away over enchiladas, Mom made Mexican rice, and my sister Tanya made the refried beans. My brother Chris brought beer and margaritas. I'm not exaggerating when I say EVERY item on the menu was mouthwatering. Eric and I even ate it again the next night as leftovers and it was even better the second time around.

The kids acting like they have deep thoughts.

Sister-in-law Joy chatting with the girls.

Sister Tanya and niece Annalise.

Mom, probably telling the story about how she swears the movie Losing Isaiah is a real story that she heard about on the news.

Nephew M, his flared nostrils, and Biscuit.

The enchiladas from Heaven.

The enchiladas from Heaven (continued).

The younger kids played Tennis on the original Nintendo, while the older ones played Halo.

All of the kids made their own sundaes for dessert.

My sister, the Unoriginal Thinker. We all acknowledged that this was the best picture taken of her the whole night, so I agreed to actually making it available to her.

Pearl and her new BFF. At one point, I actually saw Pearl run up behind Annalise and casually put her arm around her. You know, like on an awkward date.

Nephew L lounging around while watching TV.

My brother Chris. In our family, it's not a party unless at least one person ends up like this.

That's it for my Thanksgiving round-up. Both celebrations were a success and lots of fun. How did it compare to yours? Pretty standard, I'm guessing. Except fort he enchiladas. Unless you're Mexican. In which case, it was still pretty standard.

Boner'ppetite!

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