My Acting Credits.

I have nothing to share on the food front.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about my short-lived career in the show biz industry.

When I was in high school, I got really into the whole acting thing. And by "really into the whole acting thing", I mean I had mega crushes on famous dudes and was sure that acting was my ticket to stardom. Even though my family was dirt poor, my mom managed to save up enough scrilla to get me in acting classes. I started off with a weekly children's acting class taught by a former "stage dad". I don't know how much I really "learned" in that class, but I know it made me feel less like an awkward, self conscious weirdo. Also, I do remember one nugget of wisdom he taught us: "Scenes with no dialogue are much harder than scenes with dialogue. Work on conveying emotion without using words."

Soon after that class ended, I signed up for another class with one of those "We'll Make Your Kid a Star!" agencies. You know the ones. They usually advertise in the local paper and set up shop in an executive suite. And they have a line out the door of ugly brats whose parents swear they're the next Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Yep, that's where I went. But to clear my name (if possible), I wasn't going because I thought I was hot shit. I was going to take acting courses.

So, I took a few classes there at the knock-off agency. We practiced improv and working in front of the camera. I don't remember anything remarkable from this place and now I'm beginning to question their true intentions...

Anyway, when I was around 18, I got my first paid acting job. I wasn't the starring role or anything. But I was just as important. Because everyone knows Extras totally make the scene. The job was a TV show pilot that was to air on the WB channel. I was instructed to be at Warner Ranch by 7:30am and bring "party" clothes.

I arrived on time. Which was a fucking miracle because it's nearly impossible for me to be anywhere on time, much less somewhere that involves LA rush hour traffic. I spent the day with a herd of about 100 other kids hanging out on the WB lot. It was boring as hell because apparently actors mess up their lines a lot. And if there's one little tiny thing that's off with the set/ film/ cast, they cut that shit and start all over.

Things got really unfortunate when it started to rain. They moved our herd into one of the empty houses on the neighborhood lot (it was actually the house from Lethal Weapon). But that wasn't really any better because these houses are set houses, you see. And they don't have furniture or heating or walls or fucking ANYTHING inside them. We were like well-dressed squatters.

So the main scene I was in was at a house party. I was with a group of people in the backyard and we were supposed to silently mime and silently laugh and silently drink non-existent booze like we were really at a party. In reality, it was just awkward and totally unnatural. The day finally ended around 7pm and I was stoked because as a non-union extra you make a set amount of money for the first 8 hours of work, and then anything over that is overtime. My favorite part about this job? Craft Services.

By the way- that show? Got pulled before it even aired.

My next job was through my friend Jessy, who's stepdad was a fairly popular make-up artist in the industry. It was on a Showtime series called Resurrection Blvd. It was a mostly Latino cast and the show was about Latinos living in LA. Jessy and I were in a few scenes- the day time one was at a park. Nothing exciting. But the night time one was set in a dance club and we were told to wear "sexy club" clothing. I wore a tight, red, leopard print cocktail dress (because I'm ghetto and tacky like that). And seeing as how this was a "sexy club" environment, I even busted out the big guns: My clip-on fall. Because apparently nothing says "Latina" like a leopard print dress and big hair. (What. It was the 90's, okay.)

This job was even more difficult and awkward than the last because in the "club" we were instructed to "dance to music". Only there was no music. Because then the mic's wouldn't be able to pick up the actor's voices. So me and my clip-on fall and some random dude pretended to salsa dance. Without making a sound. And without music.

There wasn't too much I learned from this job other than not to date Production Assistants. Especially if they're ten years older. Because it's just creepy.

After that job, I pretty much hung up my acting boots and decided to retire. I figured I wasn't cut out for something that takes that much effort and patience. I was never going to make it to mega-stardom, or be in a music video.

Or was I...?

Flash forward to last year. My friend Danielle and I went to a bowling/ karaoke get-together thrown by her friends Ming and Ping.

It was officially the first time I'd met them, but Danielle had shown me their website and some YouTube videos. This was basically a recipe for me to get super nervous and make an asshole out of myself.

Which obviously happened.

But the great thing about it was, everyone was pretty drunk and having a great time and nobody made any comments about me acting like a leper with Tourettes. And to top it all off, Ming and Ping used film footage from that night's events for their next music video, Bridge and Tunnel Music.

And guess who made it into the video!

I DID, THAT'S MUTHAFUCKIN WHO!

So, it looks like my big dreams came true afterall. It's probably because of all those acting classes I took. Or maybe it's just my natural talent.

Also, did you watch the Ming and Ping video? Were you able to spot me??? I have a few quick appearances, as do my dancing feet. FYI: Most of the people in the video are Asian. So what I'm trying to say is, it's basically like playing my own personal version of Where's Waldo.

So that's the story of how I got über famous.