Every Now and Then I Like to Throw the Vegetarians a Bone.

My friend Melissa is a Vegan. (I'm friends with a real life vegan. I know, I'm just as shocked as you. But she makes up for her lack of meat-eating with sweetness and laughter.)

She designed/created/made a cookbook. And gave me a copy. Because we're friends, you see. And also probably because she's secretly trying to turn me. Into one of "them".

Hello, little bookie.

Lots of helpful cooking information.

Blank pages for kitchen love notes.

Everything your heart desires.

Even though I have yet to attempt one of these recipes, I'm going to fully endorse this cookbook.

Now you may be asking yourself, "TILTE, why the hell are you endorsing this crazy ass non-animal food?"

Well, I actually HAVE tried some of Melissa's food- the Cherry Almond cake, sweet potatoes, and Coconut-Mango Rice, to be exact...

And it's really good! -And I don't just mean for vegans. I mean for reals.

Plus, her homemade leftovers that she brings for lunch always smell super tasty. And not like it's full of vegetable black magic.

So I wanted to let all of you know about her cookbook. Especially those vegetarian type (or just healthy) eaters who get all weirded out by the amount of animal products I consume.

Here's a great cookbook! Learn how how the whole thing came together by visiting Melissa's blog.

Feel like ordering one? Do it HERE!

Boner'ppetite.

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We Had a Hawaiian Potluck at Work Today.

We had a "Hawaiian" themed potluck at work today. We pretty much used the term "Hawaiian" as loosely as possible because it wasn't really very hawaiian at all.

The party was originally supposed to be an after-work event. However, one particular coworker who turns all Hulkamania-roid-rage when he gets hungry asked (and asked and asked) if we could move it to a lunch time party instead. Since we didn't have anything better to do (except work), we decided to get the party started.

And by "party" I mean "everyone swarming the buffet table and eating in silence".

Even with the assistance of some homemade jungle juice, it was snoozeville.

However...

When round #2 of the potluck party came around (after work), things perked up a bit. Drinks were had and games were played. And it actually turned out to be a success!

Coconut-Mango Rice and sweet potatoes (my favs of the day)

Whoopie Pies

Pulled pork, grilled chicken, and tortillas

My Contribution: King's Hawaiian Rolls (because I was too lazy to cook anything)

Spam Musubi

My plate

My Other Contribution: Jungle Juice! (because why the hell not.)

There was more food than what's pictured above. There was tons of food, actually. Unfortunately, this was all I had patience for. Because I wanted to eat.

We had a limbo contest AND a hula hoop contest. At first, no one could master the act of actually keeping the hula hoop up for more than one second. But once we YouTube'd "how to hula hoop", things got REAL.

This is one of my coworkers who shall remain nameless (unless you want to hook it up, in which case let me know and I'll do what I can).

Lastly, I may or may not have made the office listen to Mele Kalikimaka today. (I don't fucking care that it's a Christmas song.) (Have you even HEARD Hawaiian music?? It's all boring and everything sounds like that dumb Iz "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" shit.) At least my song was fun and festive.

Boner'ppetite.

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I Take a Picture of Almost Everything I Eat.

I take a picture of almost everything I eat. Not because I have a weird eating disorder. But because I have high aspirations of blogging about it.

The blog only happens about 8% of the time.

The eating happens 100% of the time.

Here are some random shots of food that never made it to the blog. (They were all taken with my phone, so don't expect some Dorothea Lange photojournalism here.)

Holiday Hams (Vons)

Three giant cakes I made for Pearl's birthday party.

Picnic at Malibu Winery

Picnic at the beach.

Snow Cone at the Obon Festival

$5 Cosmos at Aloha Steakhouse.

Happy Hour.

A favorite homemade dinner, spaghetti and asparagus.

French fries at Father's Office.

Albondigas soup at Casa de Soria.

Happy Hour at Cabo.

Happy Tuesday!

(I don't know why I said that.)

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Recipe: Penne al Forno (It's Great for Entertaining!)

Last weekend Boyfriend and I hosted a little Game Night get-together at our house. Since we were having a good amount of people over, I jumped at the chance to try out a Nadia G. recipe (Bitchin' Kitchen).

Can you tell we like Bitchin' Kitchen...? I'm pretty sure Pearl wants to actually BE Nadia G. Like, in real life.



Penne al Forno

INGREDIENTS (bolognese)
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
2 garlic cloves, smashed
1/2 tsp chili flakes
1 red onion, minced
8 oz ground beef
4 cups San Marzano tomatoes, hand crushed
1/4 cup fresh parsley, minced
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp raw sugar
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp sea salt
-fresh ground pepper to taste

INGREDIENTS (pasta)
-salt
-1 lb penne lisce pasta
-1 tbsp unsalted butter
1 cup grated mozzarella
1/2 cup grated parmesan





DIRECTIONS
For the bolognese: Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the garlic and chili flakes and fry until golden (about 1 min). Add onions and saute till crispy (8-10 min).




Add ground beef and cook until crumbled. Add tomatoes, parsley, oregano, sugar, bay leaf, sea salt, and pepper. Mix and simmer for 20 min.





For the pasta: Bring salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook till almost al dente (8-9 min). Drain.

To assemble: Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 15x10 baking dish with butter.





In a bowl, mix pasta with half of the bolognese. Put a light layer of this pasta into the baking dish, followed by 1/4 cup sauce, 1/3 cup mozzarella, and 1 tbsp parmesan. Repeat with second layer till everything is used up.




Place in oven and bake until edges are golden and bubbly, approx 30 min.


Pig the fuck out.

NOTES:
-I used salted butter. Because that's what I buy.
-I used about 1/4 of chili flakes because I'm not a big fan of spicy food.
-I only bought one can of San Marzano tomatoes, which turned out to only be half the amount I needed. Being the resourceful person I am, I just substituted Ragu Traditional sauce for the other half. Also, it's because I'm fancy.
-I used way more than the suggested amount of cheese. Maybe twice as much mozzarella and four times as much parmesan.
-You know those free packets of red peppers that come with pizza? And the brown packets of "raw" sugar at Starbucks? I used those instead of buying a whole box of each. I never use those ingredients and they're the perfect serving size. And, I'm cheap.
-I was also a little nervous about using a whole red onion. We actually only went with half.

Boyfriend and I were very happy with the meal (it was fucking delicious). All of our guests had full plates and I even had enough for a few leftovers. And believe me, I ate the shit out of those leftovers.


Other things I like to eat (from game night)...

kettle corn from the farmer's market thanks to our friends Todd and Alex

baked brie thanks to our friends Melissa and Justin


my favorite green salad


dessert tartlettes thanks to my friend Rawnie


and Old Fashion cocktails thanks to Boyfriend

You should plan a game night too.

Boner'ppetite.

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I Just Took Ten Years Off My Face! (And Also Added Ten Pounds to My Face.)

Remember when I was contemplating whether or not I should get bangs?

Well, obviously I got them.

And I say obviously because I'm impatient about that kind of stuff.

So, before I reveal the "After", let's take a look at some of the good times I had without bangs.

Poses inspired by Toddler & Tiaras

And now. For the moment you've all been waiting (for the past 38 seconds), MY BANGS!!!

I think bangs tend to make me look younger, which I'm not really complaining about. However, said bangs also accentuate my acorn-storing cheeks, which is something I AM complaining about. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Except for maybe go on a diet. And obviously that's not going to happen. Oh well, c'est la vie.

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Vlog: Working Out with TILTE

Many of you have asked how I keep in such great shape.

Well, here it is. The secret to my success.

The Wii Fit.

I discovered it in our garage two weeks ago, but I've already used it like four times. Which basically means I'm fucking ripped now.

You ready?

It's time to get swole.

(Music: Satisfaction by Benny Benassi)

People also ask how I manage to stay so fresh and beautiful while I exercise. To which I reply "I guess I'm just lucky that way".

If anyone wants any workout pointers, just hit me up.

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Life with Endometriosis.

Most of you have no idea what endometriosis is like. Lucky for you, I'm here. Today I'm going to enlighten you on what it's like to have endometriosis.

WARNING: This is not really a humorous look at endometriosis. I mean, it's somewhat humorous, but the point here is that it really fucking sucks. This is a 100% frustrated rant based on the fact that I've been in unbearable pain today. (Male readers- go ahead and exit this window now.)


So, there's the given: Periods with endometriosis are not like normal periods. They involve fucking nightmarish cramps that take over your whole mid-section. Front to back. Down the legs. Buttcheeks? Yes. Those too.

Day one of period time consists of two locations: the bed and the toilet. The pain is so intense, the only reason you'd even consider getting out of bed is because you're about to blow your insides right through your butthole. And by "insides", I don't mean "poop". I mean like your internal organs and shit. Right out your butt.

Toilet times are spent alternating between getting the chills and feeling feverish. Your stomach contracts like you're about to wretch. Only you don't. Instead, you just pass some uterine lining. And then you feel relief. And go back to bed. And wait for it to start all over again.

Kind of like this. Only not as human-looking.

And then there's the big whopper when it comes to endo: The 40% chance of infertility. Which is a bummer. Especially when everyone you know is getting pregnant. Or worse yet- hearing about another unplanned "accident". It seems like (for some women) the wind just has to blow a certain direction and they get pregnant.

That shit makes me mad.

Especially when you consider that genes this cute may go to waste.

Too cute to not have kids.

But then, there are also the ongoing side effects. Pains and discomforts that happen at any time, without notice, and for no good reason.

At any given time, it feels like someone's taken a bicycle pump and is slowing blowing up your stomach, making it feel like there's not even enough room for your own organs inside your skin. Even the weight of a feather resting on your tummy feels like a 10 ton boulder.

...It feels like there's a little monster living inside your lower abdomen who likes scrape a razor blade along your insides. Over and over. In slow motion.

...And you know that aching feeling you get in your back when you're about to come down with a bad cold or flu? Yeah, that ache comes with endo too. And it shows up whenever it feels like it, not just at period time.

...And you hardly make it through a day without your over-the-counter pain killers. (My liver is screwed.)

...And your appetite is fucked because your stomach is usually somewhere in the queesy zone. Not that you'll necessarily eat any less. You'll just find that your favorite foods have lost that "loving feeling".

...And don't forget about the lack of energy and endless fatigue. Napping quickly becomes your favorite extra-curricular activity.

...And also there's a really annoying heaviness in your bottom. Like someone just opened a flap on your back side, tucked a brick in each butt cheek, and then closed it back up again.

My insides. (Click for a better view)

And the cure for endometriosis? Well, there is none. But there are a few ways to decrease symptoms:

1. Hormone therapy. AKA Turn yourself into a man.

2. Hysterectomy.

3. Birth control.

Now, I'm no doctor, but none of those seem like viable options for anyone who may be trying to conceive. Which means, sorry sucker, you're just going to have to be in pain.

Well, that's all I care to think of right now in regards to endometriosis. I'm sure there's more to add, but the Vicodin's kicked in and I'm ready to stare mindlessly at the TV.

If you get anything out of this post, just know that endo really sucks. And if you know someone who has it, maybe you'll have some compassion.

Luckily, everyone I know has been really understanding when I say I'm not feeling well (except maybe my ex who suggested it was all in my head). But it's days like this, when I've really had a hard time with it, that make me want to share my experiences.

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I Need a Makeover. Or a Wig.

I want to change my hair. Like RIGHT.NOW. I want bangs. To be more precise, I want hair like this:

Keep in mind, my hair isn't nearly this long. Or straight. Or colorful. And I guess if we're going to be nit-picky here, I'm not a Caucasian waif.

So if we take into account my stats instead, getting bangs will probably look a lot closer to this:


When it comes to my hair, I have a hard time NOT being impulsive. When I was younger, I used to cut my own hair all the time- bangs, front, back, everything. Now that I'm older and my looks are quickly going down the drain, I'm a little more cautious about sabotaging myself.

It's taking everything in me to not go into the utility drawer, get the scissors, stick my head under the bathroom sink, and cut them right now.

I've been growing my bangs out for a year because I had high hopes that long, sleek hair would make my face look thinner. Unfortunately, that hasn't really happened. In fact, unless I put a shit ton of time into drying/straightening/curling my hair, it just looks like I have a dirty, dowdy, frizzy, shitty mop on my head. And on any given day, I look like I've spent hours chasing after wild children at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Which is exactly where I draw the line when it comes to my hair.

Do you think I should get bangs? Or stick it out with the long hair?

If you need a refresher on my current hair state, just refer to my Christmas post. HOWEVER- keep in mind, that WAS the holiest day of the year and Baby Jesus visited my hair that day with a Christmas miracle, making it turn out especially healthy and darling.

Either way, I have a hair appointment this weekend. Fingers crossed.

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Recipe: Homemade Cut-Out Cookies.

This is a recipe I discovered a long time ago and over the past few years it's turned into my signature Christmas cookie. I.LOVE.THEM. The fact that I'm even sharing this recipe right now is blowing my mind because I imagine that someone is going to read this recipe and then get super famous over it, sharing it with people like Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres, and then I will find out (and probably get roid rage) and then have to track them down AND KILL THEM.

Anywho.

Even though it's my absolute favorite cookie and I could eat these babies for days (weeks) on end, I save it strictly for Christmas time because they usually take all fucking day to make. And I only have that kind of patience and dedication once a year.

It doesn't require many ingredients. And the directions themselves are surprisingly short. However, anything that involves "chilling" time (unless it's wine) gets -2 points. Add in the fact that you have to roll out the dough and cut, cut, cut, and then roll out the dough and cut, cut, cut over and over again... I'm sure you get the idea on why this has turned into my once a year delight.

Also, the frosting is the kind of stuff dreams are made of.

(CHRISTMAS) CUT-OUT COOKIES

COOKIE INGREDIENTS:
-1 cup butter
-1 cup sugar
-3 tbsp milk
-1 tsp baking soda
-1/2 tsp salt
-1 tsp cream of tartar
-1 tsp vanilla
-3 cups flour



DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients.

(This picture is kinda gross. I don't care.)

Once thoroughly combined, chill dough.



Roll out to about 1/4" thick on a floured table.



Cut with cookie cutters in desired shapes and place on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Sprinkle with colored sugar. Bake at 350 degrees until brown around the edges.


FROSTING INGREDIENTS:
-4 tsp butter
-1 tsp milk
-1 tsp vanilla
Powdered sugar

DIRECTIONS:
Melt butter with milk in microwave until hot. Add vanilla. Mix in powdered sugar until you have a good spreading consistency.



Frost the shit out of your cookies. Eat them by the handful every time you make a trip past the kitchen.




NOTE:
-I chilled my dough for about 30 minutes. I also placed it back in the fridge in between batches.

-I don't bother with measuring the rolled dough thickness. I just stop rolling when it looks like it's a good thickness for cookies.

-I don't do the colored sprinkles. Instead, I insulate my cookies with two inches of frosting.

-Start checking your cookies at 8 minutes in the oven. It doesn't take much for these guys to to get crispy.

-I've turned my back on "greased cookie sheets". Instead, I just use parchment paper. It gives the same non-stickness, but prevents baked goods from slipping and sliding and go all pancake style.

-These cookies don't really expand in the oven. Which means you don't have to worry about cutting apart one giant pizookie.

-The frosting takes a lot of powdered sugar to become the perfect spreading consistency. Start by adding a lot of powdered sugar to your butter mixture. Use a whisk to break up all the lumps. Then add a shitload more sugar. Whisk again. And right when you think you've got it perfect, add more sugar. Whisk as needed.

Boner'ppetite!

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