I'm Tired.

I'm tired of being exhausted.
I'm tired of hurting when I sit.
I'm tired of hurting when I stand.
I'm tired of needing to be near a bathroom at all times.
I'm tired of spending half of the day on the toilet.
I'm tired of not being able to make plans because I don't know how I'm going to feel.
I'm tired of making plans and then having them ruined.
I'm tired of colonoscopies that make my guts feel like I did a thousand sit-ups.
I'm tired of shitting my intestines out.
I'm tired of calling in sick.
I'm tired of spending money on medical bills.
I'm tired of back aches.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of people not knowing.
I'm tired of people acting like it's not a big deal.
I'm tired of trying and still not achieving.
I'm tired of having so many doctors I can't keep them straight.
I'm tired of taking pain relievers every three hours.
I'm tired of not having an appetite even though I know I'm hungry.
I'm tired of hearing "oncology" and "bowel resectioning".
I'm tired of describing a gut-wrenching pain that has no comparison.
I'm tired of waiting to feel better.

I'm tired of endometriosis.

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Life with Endometriosis.

Most of you have no idea what endometriosis is like. Lucky for you, I'm here. Today I'm going to enlighten you on what it's like to have endometriosis.

WARNING: This is not really a humorous look at endometriosis. I mean, it's somewhat humorous, but the point here is that it really fucking sucks. This is a 100% frustrated rant based on the fact that I've been in unbearable pain today. (Male readers- go ahead and exit this window now.)


So, there's the given: Periods with endometriosis are not like normal periods. They involve fucking nightmarish cramps that take over your whole mid-section. Front to back. Down the legs. Buttcheeks? Yes. Those too.

Day one of period time consists of two locations: the bed and the toilet. The pain is so intense, the only reason you'd even consider getting out of bed is because you're about to blow your insides right through your butthole. And by "insides", I don't mean "poop". I mean like your internal organs and shit. Right out your butt.

Toilet times are spent alternating between getting the chills and feeling feverish. Your stomach contracts like you're about to wretch. Only you don't. Instead, you just pass some uterine lining. And then you feel relief. And go back to bed. And wait for it to start all over again.

Kind of like this. Only not as human-looking.

And then there's the big whopper when it comes to endo: The 40% chance of infertility. Which is a bummer. Especially when everyone you know is getting pregnant. Or worse yet- hearing about another unplanned "accident". It seems like (for some women) the wind just has to blow a certain direction and they get pregnant.

That shit makes me mad.

Especially when you consider that genes this cute may go to waste.

Too cute to not have kids.

But then, there are also the ongoing side effects. Pains and discomforts that happen at any time, without notice, and for no good reason.

At any given time, it feels like someone's taken a bicycle pump and is slowing blowing up your stomach, making it feel like there's not even enough room for your own organs inside your skin. Even the weight of a feather resting on your tummy feels like a 10 ton boulder.

...It feels like there's a little monster living inside your lower abdomen who likes scrape a razor blade along your insides. Over and over. In slow motion.

...And you know that aching feeling you get in your back when you're about to come down with a bad cold or flu? Yeah, that ache comes with endo too. And it shows up whenever it feels like it, not just at period time.

...And you hardly make it through a day without your over-the-counter pain killers. (My liver is screwed.)

...And your appetite is fucked because your stomach is usually somewhere in the queesy zone. Not that you'll necessarily eat any less. You'll just find that your favorite foods have lost that "loving feeling".

...And don't forget about the lack of energy and endless fatigue. Napping quickly becomes your favorite extra-curricular activity.

...And also there's a really annoying heaviness in your bottom. Like someone just opened a flap on your back side, tucked a brick in each butt cheek, and then closed it back up again.

My insides. (Click for a better view)

And the cure for endometriosis? Well, there is none. But there are a few ways to decrease symptoms:

1. Hormone therapy. AKA Turn yourself into a man.

2. Hysterectomy.

3. Birth control.

Now, I'm no doctor, but none of those seem like viable options for anyone who may be trying to conceive. Which means, sorry sucker, you're just going to have to be in pain.

Well, that's all I care to think of right now in regards to endometriosis. I'm sure there's more to add, but the Vicodin's kicked in and I'm ready to stare mindlessly at the TV.

If you get anything out of this post, just know that endo really sucks. And if you know someone who has it, maybe you'll have some compassion.

Luckily, everyone I know has been really understanding when I say I'm not feeling well (except maybe my ex who suggested it was all in my head). But it's days like this, when I've really had a hard time with it, that make me want to share my experiences.

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