New Things or Something-Something-Blog-Title

As if being 1/2 real Catholic and 1/2 fake Jew wasn't enough of a guilt trip, Facebook just sent me a text reminding me that I haven't posted anything recently, basically asking what I'm doing with my life. 

LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS, OKAY FACEBOOK???

And by important things, I'm actually kind of leaning more towards not important things. Like watching The Bachelor. Did you watch it this season? I think I'm the only woman on the planet who's not smoking bachelor crack and hating all over his Venezuelan ass (Is that where he's from? I don't even know.). Nobody and their mom should have been surprised that JP was a party hard Bachelor4Life; he wreaked of it when he was on the previous season. Except all the dumb stay-at-home-moms drooled all over him and called the producer hotline nonstop trying to get him in the hot seat. Anyway, on the final episode when Chris Harrison kept asking the same damn question over and over again like he had Tourette's and JP was like "I'm not telling her I love her" I was like "GOOD. You stay strong, JP. If homie don't love her and homie don't want to marry her, homie don't play that." Even if the whole thing was a farce and they split up like a day after the show ended, whatever. The whole thing is a shitshow anyway.

"Hola muchachas, let's make besos."

Did you watch the HBO series, True Detective, featuring the devilishly handsome Matthew McConaughey and the devilishly ugly Woody Harrelson? Eric and I watched every episode, feverishly studying the clues and the behind-the-scenes interview to solve the mystery on our own. In the end, it totally fell flat and everything that you expected to happen, happened. (Eric disagrees with me on this and thinks the ending was fantastic.)

BABE ALERT. And then there's Woody H. too.

Speaking of Facebook, it's really been showcasing all of my acquaintances worst, most annoying habits lately, making me question why I even associate with these people. I'm probably just being hateful, but probably not actually. The philosophical posts that have a facade about being about nothing at all but are really more like giant red "I'm crazy" flags are the best/worst. Like when girls post inspirational shit about if you love a woman, you treat her right and buy her a truck and feed her dog and blah blah blah. Which is basically a one-way message obviously directed straight to their significant other who has apparently mistreated them recently. 

Dumb.

As for annoying things going on in my own life, that's much less interesting. Life has been good, which makes for unfunny blog post business. For now, I'll continue to eat my Fruit Loops and Cheetos for dinner and post politically-incorrect-but-funny internet things.

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Facebook: The Most Annoying Website Ever.

I'm irritable and I'm on week two of an endless sea of mind-numbing work at my job. I feel like talking shit and the easiest prey right now seems to be Facebook.

I'm sure you've all seen plenty of other bloggers or writers talk about how annoying Facebook can be. And I'm here to tell you, this post probably isn't going to be any more interesting/ funny/ enlightening/ heart-warming than those others.

But I feel like venting about that stupid site. So that's what I'm going to do.

Everyone has seen a status or 20 that made them ask "Why am I even friends with (insert name here) still...?" Or "Ugh, I wish (insert name here) would quit with these stupid mother fucking statuses already".

Here are a few examples of Facebook friends who make my eyes roll double-time.

1. The Cryptic Poster: "I don't know why I even bother..."
What the fuck does this even mean?? If you don't want people to be all up in your business, don't post that shit on Facebook. And if you want people to be all "Ohhhh, what's wrong sweet baby girlfriend rock-star-of-the-world???" then just say what's going on in the first place. Or better yet, call someone. Human contact is great for that kind of stuff.

2. The Illiterate Fool: "If your going by the skool later on, hit me up becuz I'll be going there n-e-wayz." (That sentence actually took a lot of thought to come up with.)
I get that people want to be cute and use text slang. It's not cute. So quit.

3. The One Trick Pony: This is the person who just keeps posting the same damn photo over and over and over and over again. One might be at the beach, another might be at a club. Whatever. It's the same head tilt, the same smile, the same Paris Hilton stance with maybe a costume change or a different buddy next to them. OR! Better yet, and this basically applies to every teenager I've ever seen on Facebook, the backwards-camera move. These typically include shots from the neck up and (if you're lucky) duck lips and giant anime style eyes. Now, I'm the first to admit that I've taken many backwards-camera photos, but I try to minimize the assholeyness and I definitely don't make it my signature look.

4. The Radical Thinker: "By not speaking out, you're part of the 1%!!!"
I don't even know if that example makes sense because I made it up and clearly I'm not a radical thinker. My point here is that I get it, you're super over the top passionate about something. Great. But that doesn't mean you have to "Like" or repost every fucking anti-religion or pro-breastfeeding-till-the-age-of-82 article you come across. And I know what you're going to say: "TILTE, that's what Facebook is for- to express our likes and interests" and yes, you're right. But I'd like to ask the following question: If we ran into each other at Target (the only store I really ever go to these days), would we even be talking about this radical topic? If you answered no, then your Facebook statuses probably sound loco to anyone who isn't as radical as you. (And I know I'm a hypocrite because I post articles about adopting pets and saving lives, but I at least try to do it very sparingly, OKAY.)

4. The Scheduler: "Going for a run, then washing the car, then going to the beach, then going to work at 5pm."
Oh really? No one cares.

5. The Bragger: "Just got another raise AND was offered a position with the next president of the United States!"
This person is constantly updating their statuses with accomplishments that are secretly filled with smugness and superiority. You know the ones.

6. The Gatherer: This person "Friends" every person they've ever met in their life. Shared a cab with someone? Become friends on Facebook. Handed off your shopping cart at the grocery store? Become friends on Facebook.

7. The Non-Commenter: This person is actively ON Facebook, posting status updates left and right. But they never comment on any of your statuses, photos, or activities. They're basically either stalking or hating.

8. The Fake-Lover: "I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world and I love him so much!!!!"
My theory about people who are 24-7 ooey gooey about their significant other? It's fake. And transparent.

Just kidding. Only sometimes.

Have I left any out?

Feel free to add them in the comments below.

Also, if any of you are actually friends with me on Facebook and have secretly been annoyed with my posts, take this chance to unfriend me with no hard feelings. Seriously, a Get Out of Jail Free card. (Unless we're friends through my TILTE page, in which case I beg you to still be my friend.)

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