How I Spent the Day Before Surgery.

I've been on a bowel cleanse for the past two days and guess-what-it-fucking-sucks.

My surgery is tomorrow morning and surprisingly I'm not too nervous about it.

Probably because my mind/ body/ soul is too busy being starving as fuck.


So, how have I spent the last day before my surgery?

-Washing all the clothes in the house

-Bathing Biscuit (because someone needs to have anti-fungal baths until her medicated shampoo runs out. Approx: a million years.)

-Not eating (except for the Jell-O Boyfriend made me)

-Getting a pedicure and manicure because, according to a nurse friend, "All we care about is that you've painted your toenails and shaved your legs."

-Sorting through Pearl's bedroom (with Boyfriend) and created a good "garage sale" pile

-Dying my stupid, witchy, grey hairs (thanks to Boyfriend, who did all the work)

-Drinking clear liquids only

-Listening to my mom talk about how she's going to video tape me when I'm acting loco on meds

-Starving


SIDE NOTE
This weekend, I learned two things:
1. I like to stay busy before surgery.
2. Boyfriend is even more caring, generous, and supportive than I already knew. (He's really great.)


...And I just remembered I need to pack still.

Gah! This vacation surgery is totally sneaking up on me.


See you guys in a few days!

So... I Have Some News to Share.

You know how I'm always complaining about how I feel shitty and my insides are all kinds of awful?

Well, there's something I haven't quite let you in on.

And no, it's not that I'm pregnant.

I'm actually FAR from pregnant.

Unless you count endometriosis as "pregnant".

In which case, I'm about 60 months pregnant with the endo-baby from hell.


So, what's been going on (kind of) behind the scenes is that I've been playing scavenger hunt with doctors, trying to get to the root of my health problem. In the hopes that we can kill that fucking root dead.

Long story short: I'm going in for surgery on Monday.

------------------------------------------

Long story long: It's not exactly a simple little "endo removal" process.

You see, typically an endo removal procedure is around an hour'ish long, it's done laparoscopically (3-5 tiny holes made through the stomach), it's outpatient, and you're approved to go back to work the next day. Shoulder pain can occur due to all the carbon dioxide they pump into you. Over-the-counter pills aren't great, but they get the job done.

In my particular situation, (and this is where all of the male readers get hysterical blindness and quickly vacate the premises) the endo has attacked my colon. At this point, we don't really know how extensive it is, but it's enough to hinder my everyday activity (read: eating and sleeping).

What does that mean?

It means I will be getting laparoscopy surgery for endo removal AND a bowel resection. This procedure will be 3-4 hours long and *may* end up turning into a laparotomy (lateral incision of the stomach).

WTF is a bowel resection?

It's exactly what it sounds like.

They're going to REMOVE a section of my colon and REATTACH the two sections together.

Gross, right?

I KNOW.


It's kind of like MAJOR surgery.

Surprisingly, I don't feel nervous about it. Or it could be that I'm just not mentally aware of my nervousness. But actually, if you ask my guts how they feel about things, they'll probably tell you a completely different story about how they shit their brains out 85 times today while I was at the hospital doing my pre-op tests. That was awkward.

So, if all goes well I will keep all of my baby-making organs (minus the crusty endo-bombs), the resection will heal perfectly, and I'll be watching tivo'd Judge Judy episodes from the comforts of my own home in no time.

If all goes horribly wrong, I could end up with a hysterectomy and a poop tube sticking out of my stomach.

Fingers crossed for the first option.

_____________________________


I'm really excited to see what's going to happen. I'm ready to wake up post-op and find out when I can apply for the show Monsters Inside Me.

Hopefully after the surgery, when people ask me how I'm doing, they won't receive answers like "Explosive diarrhea all weekend." or "Bowel cleanse. Couldn't sleep because I thought I might shart myself all night."


I've forgotten what it's like to feel normal and not have to worry about a flare up, or staying close to the bathroom, or being stuck in the bathroom for 30 minutes at a time. I can't wait to get healthy and be able to make plans AWAY from the house. It's going to be a newfound freedom, that's for sure.

Recipe: Panzanella Salad Redux

I know I've posted this salad recipe before, but I just wasn't happy with the pix I posted last time.

While the iPhone is great for snapping covert shots of stupid shit like a woman in gold spandex pants, acrylic platforms, and wig that would make Jan Crouch jealous, it's not so great for making food look appetizing.

So, here we go. Panzanella Salad Redux.

INGREDIENTS:
- Italian Bread
- Italian seasoning
- olive oil
- 20 cherry tomatoes, halved
- red onion, sliced into thin strips (to taste)
- 8 leaves fresh basil, chiffonade'ed
- 1 avocado, sliced into wedges or cubes
- 3 white potatoes
- 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 1/4 tsp pepper
- romaine lettuce
-chicken (optional)

DIRECTIONS:
Slice bread into cubes and douse liberally with olive oil and Italian seasoning. Bake at 400 for roughly 15 minutes, or until cooked to desired crunchiness.

Boil potatoes until they are tender enough to split with a fork, but not falling apart mushy. Cut them into halves or quarters.

Chiffonade your basil so it looks all feathery and makes you look like you know what you're doing when it comes to cutlery. (Mine turned out a little bruised. SO WHAT. THIS ISN'T A BASIL CONTEST.)

I made this super easy for people who are lazy, but like good food, but are trying to eat healthy, but really just want to eat five pretzels with cheese sauce and a large Ice Blended Vanilla from Coffee Bean, BUT-NO-I'M-TRYING-TO-EAT-AT-HOME-AND-SAVE-MONEY-AND-CALORIES, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE OKAY?!? Just buy a fully roasted chicken from the grocery store. They're always juicy and and practically begging to go home with you. And Friday nights, they're only $5.99 at Vons. Ridiculously good deal, if you ask me.

Cut chicken into cubes. Add tomatoes, onion, basil, potatoes, avocado, croutons, and lettuce into a large bowl. In a separate container, mix vinegar, olive oil, garlic, salt, and pepper. Pour over salad.

Now, I'm no Jillian Michaels, but I would classify this meal as "way healthy". Which means you can eat a shit ton of it and not feel guilty. However, since it's so hearty and filling, you really won't even want to eat more than like 4 servings because you'll be full. But it's a "healthy full" which means you practically just went to the gym.

Boner'ppetite!

Why Did the Duck Cross the Busy-Ass Freeway?

Yesterday was like the 5th time I've seen a duck family crossing the 101 freeway during rush hour traffic in the past few months. I don't know what it is about this stretch of land that's so inviting to a family of ducks. Every time it happens, and I see them waddling across the road, I gasp and my heart skips a beat and I want to run out and scoop the ducks up and return them to safety and be a duck-hero and have Sarah McLachlan write a song about how I'm an animal saver.

But instead I make a sad face and zoom past them.

Most of the time, traffic slows and swerves and I leave the scene saying a Hail Mary. One time though, when traffic was particularly shitty and barely crawling along, a women in the car next to me threw her car into park, jumped out, and started scooting the chicks to safety. I was happy and proud and beaming for that woman who risked getting her car pulverized for the sake of some dumb little birds.

But every time since then, I feel ashamed that I didn't get out.

And I think "Maybe that's why bad things happen to me- Because I don't save ducks!!!!!"

These little duck families are super cute too. If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's cute, baby, fuzzy animals in danger.

What would you do??? Would you stop and shoo them across? Or would you drive away, humming The Circle of Life?

Like this. Only we weren't in Europe. And I wasn't wearing a vest.

How's My Weekend, You Ask...

Yesterday morning, Boyfriend went up to Santa Maria to help his parents move. Since I had a shitty (read: endometriosis) week, I decided to stay home and make the most of this maxing and relaxing weekend.

This is how my weekend panned out.

SATURDAY

-Wake up at 7:30am to take Biscuit to the vet. Two hours and $175 later, we have a diagnosis of "fungal infection". The vet mentions something about "contagious" and "ringworm" and my skin literally jumps out the window and runs down the street.

-Boyfriend leaves for Santa Maria. I decide to spoil myself with a mani/pedi gift card that that I'd been hoarding for the past three months. (Since I'm poor as shit, I have to use these special moments sparingly.) Feel good about myself and manage to make Vanna White gestures as often as possible in order to show off my beautiful nails.

Like these except not as nice.

-Bathe Biscuit with special anti-fungal shampoo. The bathroom looks like I wallpapered it in black angora. Decide to leave it for later when it's all dried up and I can easily Swiffer the heaps of dog hair.

-Do 85 loads of laundry, including bed linens and dog beds, due to a certain canine's "fungal infection".

-Proceed to have wrestling matches with both a fitted sheet and a duvet cover.

-Notice that my "splurge" manicure is fucked. Rage out.

-Get awful, binding, diarrhea cramps. Drag myself backwards ala The Exorcist into bed and pass out.


SUNDAY

-Wake up at 2:45am with painful, explosive, faucet-butt diarrhea. (You can thank me later for that image.)

-Play hopscotch from the bed to toilet from 3-4am.

-Play hopscotch from the toilet from 8-10am.

-Boyfriend texts that he's on his way back. Drag myself out of bed and attempt to clean the black angora bathroom.

Pretty much just like this.

Which brings me to right now. 2:11pm, laying in bed, guts are sore, exploding butt, haven't eaten anything except Gatorade. I guess the bright side to this ongoing hell (read: endometriosis) and constant stomach problems is that I've lost weight. And if we're going to brag here, I even weigh less than when I got married back in 2007. At least being sick is good for something. At least.

So much for my weekend of maxing and relaxing.

Recipe: Oven Fried Chicken.

I bought a new cookbook.

It's this one.

The other night, Boyfriend and I decided to try out our first recipe.

This recipe was destined to go one of two completely different ways: Boyfriend loves fried chicken. I'm not really a fan.

Here are the details.

OVEN "FRIED" CHICKEN
According to Real Simple magazine

Ingredients:
-Canola oil for the rack
-1/2 teaspoon paprika
-Kosher salt and black pepper
-1 cup buttermilk
2 3/4 pounds bone-in chicken parts, skin removed
1 cup crushed buttery crackers, like Ritz


Directions:
1. Heat oven to 375. Oil wire rack and place it inside of a baking sheet.
2. In a shallow dish, combine paprika, buttermilk, and 1/2 teaspoon each of salt and pepper. Add chicken and turn to coat.
3. Place crackers in a shallow bowl. Remove chicken from buttermilk mixture and coat in crackers. Press gently to help stick the crackers.
4. Place chicken on wire rack and bake until crispy (or until thermometer reads 160F for white meat and 165F for dark meat). Make sure to turn chicken halfway through the cooking process, at roughly 20 minutes.

Notes:
-For the wire rack, we used olive oil.
-We don't have kosher salt. We used cheap-ass Morton.
-I let the chicken sit in the buttermilk for about 20 minutes because I've heard all the fancy chefs on TV say that the enzymes in buttermilk are good for breaking down the meat.
-I only like chicken breasts. So that's what we used. Before beginning any of the recipe, I placed them in a Ziploc freezer bag and beat the shit out of them with a rolling pin. That way, they'd be nice and tender. Then, I cut each breast into 2-3 strips. Because I like chicken strips.
-We used grocery store brand "butter crackers". I wasn't disappointed.
-Since we used "tenderized" breasts, we also only cooked it for approximately 35 minutes total.

Review:
This chicken never got "golden" or "fried" looking like the picture in the magazine. And it didn't really TASTE like fried chicken either. With that said, this chicken was really good. The meat was juicy and tender. The coating really was rich and buttery. And if there's one thing I like, it's RichAndButtery. It reminded me of something I would have eaten when I was little. Like, if I lived in the south or something. Because they eat a lot of fried chicken in the south, right? Anyway, it was definitely a kid-friendly meal, that's for sure.

Serving up this plate of belly-filling goodness made me feel like a real life June Cleaver. It seems really wholesome and familyish. The leftovers were even good the next day. I think next time, I might try adding more paprika to the buttermilk and salt/ pepper to the crushed crackers.

This recipe was easy to make and yielded a filling result. Make this on Friday night and you'll have a great snack to take to the beach on Saturday.

Boner'ppetite!