The Story of TILTE, as Told by TILTE (AKA It's My Birthday So I'm Making This One All About Me).

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I'm pretty sure it's going to be a bust. This is why: It's on a Sunday, which means A) It will get overlooked by coworkers and B) People are either hungover or doing dumb family shit.

I guess that's all fine and well, it's not like it's a special-number birthday or anything. I'm going to be the magical age of 32, which means absolutely nothing in the spectrum of "special birthdays".

I always fancy myself as being much more important than I really am and usually like to celebrate with "Birthday Week", a time in which I don't acknowledge anyone else's plans and typically fall asleep elbows deep in a bag of taco flavored Doritos. (Just kidding, taco flavor only came out a year ago.) (It's usually nacho flavored.)

So if you don't have anything better to do, head over to my Facebook page and say Happy Birthday! Or ask me any question you want! I'll answer it as long as it's not creepy.



For now, I'm going to tell you the story of TILTE, based on photos found on my Facebook, Myspace, and Photobucket accounts.


Once upon a time, TILTE was born. Actually, it wasn't really "once upon a time" so much as it was actually April 1, 1980. She had a head full of crazy fucked up hair that is an embarrassment even to this day. Thank God it didn't take long for her to get cute.



She did all the usual kid stuff like hoard neighborhood cats and sneak bites out of the butter stick when no one was looking.

She made it all the way through kid'dom without ever breaking a bone or getting majorly busted for anything.

In high school, she studied French and spent her free time making collages and reading Choose Your Own Adventure books doing super cool things like riding in convertables and hanging out with celebrities.

She also went to prom with her cousin.

Although I can't put my finger on why she could never get a date.

In college, she dyed her hair all kinds of ridiculous colors that were completely unnatural for someone of her ethnicity (What is her ethnicity anyway...?).



There was also a lot of this...





After college, she backpacked through all the important countries in Europe.



She liked it so much, she made the move to London.


And married a Brit.


...And then divorced a Brit.


Along the way, she was blessed with the beautiful and talented, Biscuit the WonderDog.


She spent several years working in a dental office.



And then someone very special came into her life.


And brought along one of these.



And now her days are filled with things like this:


...and this:



...and this.


And she wouldn't have it any other way.

The end.


Wasn't that a good story?

Styrofoam Apple Slices: They're Actually Pretty Good.

Have you seen these?



A coworker of mine purchased them for the office. And in my bear-like starving stupor, I decided to try them out.

According to the package, they're:

"Fuji apple slices with cinnamon"

-and-

"100% real fruit"

Which is usually not my style, so I was pretty skeptical that it would be settle my rage-a-holic hunger.

But surprisingly, they were really pretty good.

Just like the package states, it's just fruit. There's no fireworks or laser beams inside. And the texture is a lot like what I imagine styrofoam to be like if I were to eat it. It's light as air. Also, within a few seconds of putting it in your mouth, the consistency changes to a marshmallowy blob. (Is that how all freeze-dried food is? It's kind of cool at first, but I can't imagine being able to fill up on this stuff. Astronauts must starve when they're in outer space.)



I know I'm doing a horrible job at selling these things, but it's not like Kirkland is paying me or anything. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I actually DID like them.

Has anyone else tried these? What did you think of them?

Boner'ppetite.

What's That? An AWARD You Say???

Back when I was relatively new to the blogging world, I received several awards and memes from fellow bloggers.

It's been a while since I've received any awards.

I don't think it was because my writing was any better then than it is now (If you think my stories are stupid now, just take a look through my archive. You'll have a fucking field day.), but I think it had more to do with my newness. Now I'm too old to be considered a "new" blogger, and I'm not famous enough to be considered a "real" blogger. I'm just lost somewhere in the middle, with millions of other bloggers. Which is probably why I haven't gotten any awards lately. I mean, that's the only logical reason. It can't be my writing, that's for sure.

UNTIL!

Until two weeks ago when The Number Whisperer from Original Thoughts of an Unoriginal Thinker laid The Liebster Award on me.



If you're not familiar with The Liebster Award, it's specifically for bloggers with less than 200 followers. It's a great idea because the point is to spread the good word about our little-known pearls of wisdom.

And if you're not familiar with The Number Whisperer, she's my sister. And I don't mean like "Yo girl, you my sista!" I mean, literally. She's my sister.

She also happens to be a great writer. And if you follow her blog, you may even catch a story that has yours truly in it.

She also happens to have three boys and a dog. Which is basically like comic gold right at your fingertips. And as is that weren't enough, she takes pictures like this:


Make sure to add her to your blogroll/ feed/ reader. It's worth it.

With that said- thanks, Number Whisperer!

So, here are the instructions for the award:
1. Thank the person who gave me the award and link back to them.
2. Nominate up to five others for the award.
3. Let them know via comment on their blog.
4. Post the award on your blog.
5. Bonus step: Follow this link and at least consider signing up for the A-Z Challenge. It's a great way to find new and interesting blogs, have people find your blog, and meet new people.

My Liebster-awarded bloggers are!:

Attracted to Shiny Things - FUNNY writings about family life.
Musings of a Mad Woman - Entertaining, funny, AND we're actually friends IRL!
The Sky is Falling... - Everyday life stuff and she loves rescue dogs as much as I do.
Kazoo - Funny everyday life stuff.
Six-Fingered Monkey - Funny everyday life stuff written by a MAN.

As you can tell, I really like the funny blogs. I'm mostly a one-trick pony when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Make sure to check them all out.

Happy readings!

"What is TILTE Doing Right Now...?"

ALL THIS...

Potato-leek mashed potatoes, Shepherd's Pie, vegan corned beef and cabbage, and Rosemary-potato loaf with Kerrygold Dubliner cheese.

Desserts.

Buffet line.

Green beer.

An early St. Patrick's Day feast.

Boner'ppetite.

Have You Heard About Marilyn Hagerty?

Marilyn Hagerty is an 85 year-old woman who works as a freelance writer. She wrote a review for her local newspaper about a new restaurant that had recently opened in her hometown of Grand Forks, North Dakota.

The restaurant was Olive Garden.

Hagerty doesn't care about going to hotspots where she can look cool or impress. She eats where she wants.

And she also manages to throw in a jab about "bloggers" in her interview with Today.

:::swoon:::

This woman is my hero.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Facebook: The Most Annoying Website Ever.

I'm irritable and I'm on week two of an endless sea of mind-numbing work at my job. I feel like talking shit and the easiest prey right now seems to be Facebook.

I'm sure you've all seen plenty of other bloggers or writers talk about how annoying Facebook can be. And I'm here to tell you, this post probably isn't going to be any more interesting/ funny/ enlightening/ heart-warming than those others.

But I feel like venting about that stupid site. So that's what I'm going to do.

Everyone has seen a status or 20 that made them ask "Why am I even friends with (insert name here) still...?" Or "Ugh, I wish (insert name here) would quit with these stupid mother fucking statuses already".

Here are a few examples of Facebook friends who make my eyes roll double-time.

1. The Cryptic Poster: "I don't know why I even bother..."
What the fuck does this even mean?? If you don't want people to be all up in your business, don't post that shit on Facebook. And if you want people to be all "Ohhhh, what's wrong sweet baby girlfriend rock-star-of-the-world???" then just say what's going on in the first place. Or better yet, call someone. Human contact is great for that kind of stuff.

2. The Illiterate Fool: "If your going by the skool later on, hit me up becuz I'll be going there n-e-wayz." (That sentence actually took a lot of thought to come up with.)
I get that people want to be cute and use text slang. It's not cute. So quit.

3. The One Trick Pony: This is the person who just keeps posting the same damn photo over and over and over and over again. One might be at the beach, another might be at a club. Whatever. It's the same head tilt, the same smile, the same Paris Hilton stance with maybe a costume change or a different buddy next to them. OR! Better yet, and this basically applies to every teenager I've ever seen on Facebook, the backwards-camera move. These typically include shots from the neck up and (if you're lucky) duck lips and giant anime style eyes. Now, I'm the first to admit that I've taken many backwards-camera photos, but I try to minimize the assholeyness and I definitely don't make it my signature look.

4. The Radical Thinker: "By not speaking out, you're part of the 1%!!!"
I don't even know if that example makes sense because I made it up and clearly I'm not a radical thinker. My point here is that I get it, you're super over the top passionate about something. Great. But that doesn't mean you have to "Like" or repost every fucking anti-religion or pro-breastfeeding-till-the-age-of-82 article you come across. And I know what you're going to say: "TILTE, that's what Facebook is for- to express our likes and interests" and yes, you're right. But I'd like to ask the following question: If we ran into each other at Target (the only store I really ever go to these days), would we even be talking about this radical topic? If you answered no, then your Facebook statuses probably sound loco to anyone who isn't as radical as you. (And I know I'm a hypocrite because I post articles about adopting pets and saving lives, but I at least try to do it very sparingly, OKAY.)

4. The Scheduler: "Going for a run, then washing the car, then going to the beach, then going to work at 5pm."
Oh really? No one cares.

5. The Bragger: "Just got another raise AND was offered a position with the next president of the United States!"
This person is constantly updating their statuses with accomplishments that are secretly filled with smugness and superiority. You know the ones.

6. The Gatherer: This person "Friends" every person they've ever met in their life. Shared a cab with someone? Become friends on Facebook. Handed off your shopping cart at the grocery store? Become friends on Facebook.

7. The Non-Commenter: This person is actively ON Facebook, posting status updates left and right. But they never comment on any of your statuses, photos, or activities. They're basically either stalking or hating.

8. The Fake-Lover: "I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world and I love him so much!!!!"
My theory about people who are 24-7 ooey gooey about their significant other? It's fake. And transparent.

Just kidding. Only sometimes.

Have I left any out?

Feel free to add them in the comments below.

Also, if any of you are actually friends with me on Facebook and have secretly been annoyed with my posts, take this chance to unfriend me with no hard feelings. Seriously, a Get Out of Jail Free card. (Unless we're friends through my TILTE page, in which case I beg you to still be my friend.)