Things I Like to Eat (...and Other Nonsense)

Girl Scout Cookies: The Big Debate

2012-01-27T12:59:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning on my way into work, I was listening to Kevin and Bean on KROQ. The topic of debate was Girl Scouts. More importantly, how Girl Scouts just aren't doing their job these days.

One of the hosts (Kevin or Bean, I'm not sure which is which), was going off about how kids these days don't even participate in their own selling events. Instead, it's the parents who go into the workplace and hit everyone up Soprano's-style to buy a paycheck's worth of Samosas and Thin Mints.

Isn't the point of selling goods for your group/ club (other than to rake in the scrilla) to teach children some valuable life tools? Like getting the courage to nervously mumble your well-rehearsed speech about being in troop #blah-blah-blah and explaining that the money will help buy more activity books and field trips? Or the responsibility of keeping track of all that filthy rich money in a tattered manila envelope without blowing it on Blow Pops and Big Sticks when the ice cream man comes around? Or the feeling of pure high-fiving accomplishment when they finally make a sale after practically begging people for 4 hours straight?

When I was in elementary school, I was a Brownie. In junior high, I played volleyball. In high school, I was in French Club. All of these groups required its members to sell cookies/ candy/ random shit to raise money. I don't really remember how things worked when I was a Brownie because that was a long-ass time ago, but I DO remember going door-to-door in junior high and high school, trying my hand at fund-raising.

I know some parents are all up in arms because they can't bear to let their kids out of their site for two seconds. I'm not saying these little tykes need to brave the mean streets of suburbia on their own.

But I don't see any harm in dressing them up in their club uniforms and sending them up to your neighbor's door to make the sale, while the parents stand back on the sidewalk.

If these kids showed up at my door, I'd buy the shit out of some Peanut Butter Savannas. (I'd probably also ask where I can get one of those cute little berets.)

What do you think? Is there anything wrong with these parents who take over for their kids when it comes to fund-raising? Is the importance in the lesson or the money? Am I being too old fashioned*?

*I'm not

Every Now and Then I Like to Throw the Vegetarians a Bone.

2012-01-25T20:48:00.001-08:00

My friend Melissa is a Vegan. (I'm friends with a real life vegan. I know, I'm just as shocked as you. But she makes up for her lack of meat-eating with sweetness and laughter.)

She designed/created/made a cookbook. And gave me a copy. Because we're friends, you see. And also probably because she's secretly trying to turn me. Into one of "them".

Hello, little bookie.

Lots of helpful cooking information.

Blank pages for kitchen love notes.

Everything your heart desires.

Even though I have yet to attempt one of these recipes, I'm going to fully endorse this cookbook.

Now you may be asking yourself, "TILTE, why the hell are you endorsing this crazy ass non-animal food?"

Well, I actually HAVE tried some of Melissa's food- the Cherry Almond cake, sweet potatoes, and Coconut-Mango Rice, to be exact...

And it's really good! -And I don't just mean for vegans. I mean for reals.

Plus, her homemade leftovers that she brings for lunch always smell super tasty. And not like it's full of vegetable black magic.

So I wanted to let all of you know about her cookbook. Especially those vegetarian type (or just healthy) eaters who get all weirded out by the amount of animal products I consume.

Here's a great cookbook! Learn how how the whole thing came together by visiting Melissa's blog.

Feel like ordering one? Do it HERE!

Boner'ppetite.

We Had a Hawaiian Potluck at Work Today.

2012-01-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

We had a "Hawaiian" themed potluck at work today. We pretty much used the term "Hawaiian" as loosely as possible because it wasn't really very hawaiian at all.

The party was originally supposed to be an after-work event. However, one particular coworker who turns all Hulkamania-roid-rage when he gets hungry asked (and asked and asked) if we could move it to a lunch time party instead. Since we didn't have anything better to do (except work), we decided to get the party started.

And by "party" I mean "everyone swarming the buffet table and eating in silence".

Even with the assistance of some homemade jungle juice, it was snoozeville.

However...

When round #2 of the potluck party came around (after work), things perked up a bit. Drinks were had and games were played. And it actually turned out to be a success!

Coconut-Mango Rice and sweet potatoes (my favs of the day)

Whoopie Pies

Pulled pork, grilled chicken, and tortillas

My Contribution: King's Hawaiian Rolls (because I was too lazy to cook anything)

Spam Musubi

My plate

My Other Contribution: Jungle Juice! (because why the hell not.)

There was more food than what's pictured above. There was tons of food, actually. Unfortunately, this was all I had patience for. Because I wanted to eat.

We had a limbo contest AND a hula hoop contest. At first, no one could master the act of actually keeping the hula hoop up for more than one second. But once we YouTube'd "how to hula hoop", things got REAL.

This is one of my coworkers who shall remain nameless (unless you want to hook it up, in which case let me know and I'll do what I can).

Lastly, I may or may not have made the office listen to Mele Kalikimaka today. (I don't fucking care that it's a Christmas song.) (Have you even HEARD Hawaiian music?? It's all boring and everything sounds like that dumb Iz "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" shit.) At least my song was fun and festive.

Boner'ppetite.

I Take a Picture of Almost Everything I Eat.

2012-01-24T11:52:00.000-08:00

I take a picture of almost everything I eat. Not because I have a weird eating disorder. But because I have high aspirations of blogging about it.

The blog only happens about 8% of the time.

The eating happens 100% of the time.

Here are some random shots of food that never made it to the blog. (They were all taken with my phone, so don't expect some Dorothea Lange photojournalism here.)

Holiday Hams (Vons)

Three giant cakes I made for Pearl's birthday party.

Picnic at Malibu Winery

Picnic at the beach.

Snow Cone at the Obon Festival

$5 Cosmos at Aloha Steakhouse.

Happy Hour.

A favorite homemade dinner, spaghetti and asparagus.

French fries at Father's Office.

Albondigas soup at Casa de Soria.

Happy Hour at Cabo.

Happy Tuesday!

(I don't know why I said that.)

Recipe: Penne al Forno (It's Great for Entertaining!)

2012-01-17T21:07:00.001-08:00

Last weekend Boyfriend and I hosted a little Game Night get-together at our house. Since we were having a good amount of people over, I jumped at the chance to try out a Nadia G. recipe (Bitchin' Kitchen).

Can you tell we like Bitchin' Kitchen...? I'm pretty sure Pearl wants to actually BE Nadia G. Like, in real life.

Penne al Forno

INGREDIENTS (bolognese)
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
2 garlic cloves, smashed
1/2 tsp chili flakes
1 red onion, minced
8 oz ground beef
4 cups San Marzano tomatoes, hand crushed
1/4 cup fresh parsley, minced
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp raw sugar
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp sea salt
-fresh ground pepper to taste

INGREDIENTS (pasta)
-salt
-1 lb penne lisce pasta
-1 tbsp unsalted butter
1 cup grated mozzarella
1/2 cup grated parmesan

DIRECTIONS
For the bolognese: Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the garlic and chili flakes and fry until golden (about 1 min). Add onions and saute till crispy (8-10 min).

Add ground beef and cook until crumbled. Add tomatoes, parsley, oregano, sugar, bay leaf, sea salt, and pepper. Mix and simmer for 20 min.

For the pasta: Bring salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook till almost al dente (8-9 min). Drain.

To assemble: Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 15x10 baking dish with butter.

In a bowl, mix pasta with half of the bolognese. Put a light layer of this pasta into the baking dish, followed by 1/4 cup sauce, 1/3 cup mozzarella, and 1 tbsp parmesan. Repeat with second layer till everything is used up.

Place in oven and bake until edges are golden and bubbly, approx 30 min.

Pig the fuck out.

NOTES:
-I used salted butter. Because that's what I buy.
-I used about 1/4 of chili flakes because I'm not a big fan of spicy food.
-I only bought one can of San Marzano tomatoes, which turned out to only be half the amount I needed. Being the resourceful person I am, I just substituted Ragu Traditional sauce for the other half. Also, it's because I'm fancy.
-I used way more than the suggested amount of cheese. Maybe twice as much mozzarella and four times as much parmesan.
-You know those free packets of red peppers that come with pizza? And the brown packets of "raw" sugar at Starbucks? I used those instead of buying a whole box of each. I never use those ingredients and they're the perfect serving size. And, I'm cheap.
-I was also a little nervous about using a whole red onion. We actually only went with half.

Boyfriend and I were very happy with the meal (it was fucking delicious). All of our guests had full plates and I even had enough for a few leftovers. And believe me, I ate the shit out of those leftovers.

Other things I like to eat (from game night)...

kettle corn from the farmer's market thanks to our friends Todd and Alex

baked brie thanks to our friends Melissa and Justin

my favorite green salad

dessert tartlettes thanks to my friend Rawnie

and Old Fashion cocktails thanks to Boyfriend

You should plan a game night too.

Boner'ppetite.

I Just Took Ten Years Off My Face! (And Also Added Ten Pounds to My Face.)

2012-01-16T13:42:00.000-08:00

Remember when I was contemplating whether or not I should get bangs?

Well, obviously I got them.

And I say obviously because I'm impatient about that kind of stuff.

So, before I reveal the "After", let's take a look at some of the good times I had without bangs.

Poses inspired by Toddler & Tiaras

And now. For the moment you've all been waiting (for the past 38 seconds), MY BANGS!!!

I think bangs tend to make me look younger, which I'm not really complaining about. However, said bangs also accentuate my acorn-storing cheeks, which is something I AM complaining about. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Except for maybe go on a diet. And obviously that's not going to happen. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Vlog: Working Out with TILTE

2012-01-11T23:49:00.000-08:00

Many of you have asked how I keep in such great shape.

Well, here it is. The secret to my success.

The Wii Fit.

I discovered it in our garage two weeks ago, but I've already used it like four times. Which basically means I'm fucking ripped now.

You ready?

It's time to get swole.

(Music: Satisfaction by Benny Benassi)

People also ask how I manage to stay so fresh and beautiful while I exercise. To which I reply "I guess I'm just lucky that way".

If anyone wants any workout pointers, just hit me up.

Life with Endometriosis.

2012-01-09T16:07:00.001-08:00

Most of you have no idea what endometriosis is like. Lucky for you, I'm here. Today I'm going to enlighten you on what it's like to have endometriosis.

WARNING: This is not really a humorous look at endometriosis. I mean, it's somewhat humorous, but the point here is that it really fucking sucks. This is a 100% frustrated rant based on the fact that I've been in unbearable pain today. (Male readers- go ahead and exit this window now.)

So, there's the given: Periods with endometriosis are not like normal periods. They involve fucking nightmarish cramps that take over your whole mid-section. Front to back. Down the legs. Buttcheeks? Yes. Those too.

Day one of period time consists of two locations: the bed and the toilet. The pain is so intense, the only reason you'd even consider getting out of bed is because you're about to blow your insides right through your butthole. And by "insides", I don't mean "poop". I mean like your internal organs and shit. Right out your butt.

Toilet times are spent alternating between getting the chills and feeling feverish. Your stomach contracts like you're about to wretch. Only you don't. Instead, you just pass some uterine lining. And then you feel relief. And go back to bed. And wait for it to start all over again.

Kind of like this. Only not as human-looking.

And then there's the big whopper when it comes to endo: The 40% chance of infertility. Which is a bummer. Especially when everyone you know is getting pregnant. Or worse yet- hearing about another unplanned "accident". It seems like (for some women) the wind just has to blow a certain direction and they get pregnant.

That shit makes me mad.

Especially when you consider that genes this cute may go to waste.

Too cute to not have kids.

But then, there are also the ongoing side effects. Pains and discomforts that happen at any time, without notice, and for no good reason.

At any given time, it feels like someone's taken a bicycle pump and is slowing blowing up your stomach, making it feel like there's not even enough room for your own organs inside your skin. Even the weight of a feather resting on your tummy feels like a 10 ton boulder.

...It feels like there's a little monster living inside your lower abdomen who likes scrape a razor blade along your insides. Over and over. In slow motion.

...And you know that aching feeling you get in your back when you're about to come down with a bad cold or flu? Yeah, that ache comes with endo too. And it shows up whenever it feels like it, not just at period time.

...And you hardly make it through a day without your over-the-counter pain killers. (My liver is screwed.)

...And your appetite is fucked because your stomach is usually somewhere in the queesy zone. Not that you'll necessarily eat any less. You'll just find that your favorite foods have lost that "loving feeling".

...And don't forget about the lack of energy and endless fatigue. Napping quickly becomes your favorite extra-curricular activity.

...And also there's a really annoying heaviness in your bottom. Like someone just opened a flap on your back side, tucked a brick in each butt cheek, and then closed it back up again.

My insides. (Click for a better view)

And the cure for endometriosis? Well, there is none. But there are a few ways to decrease symptoms:

1. Hormone therapy. AKA Turn yourself into a man.

2. Hysterectomy.

3. Birth control.

Now, I'm no doctor, but none of those seem like viable options for anyone who may be trying to conceive. Which means, sorry sucker, you're just going to have to be in pain.

Well, that's all I care to think of right now in regards to endometriosis. I'm sure there's more to add, but the Vicodin's kicked in and I'm ready to stare mindlessly at the TV.

If you get anything out of this post, just know that endo really sucks. And if you know someone who has it, maybe you'll have some compassion.

Luckily, everyone I know has been really understanding when I say I'm not feeling well (except maybe my ex who suggested it was all in my head). But it's days like this, when I've really had a hard time with it, that make me want to share my experiences.

I Need a Makeover. Or a Wig.

2012-01-05T13:39:00.000-08:00

I want to change my hair. Like RIGHT.NOW. I want bangs. To be more precise, I want hair like this:

Keep in mind, my hair isn't nearly this long. Or straight. Or colorful. And I guess if we're going to be nit-picky here, I'm not a Caucasian waif.

So if we take into account my stats instead, getting bangs will probably look a lot closer to this:

When it comes to my hair, I have a hard time NOT being impulsive. When I was younger, I used to cut my own hair all the time- bangs, front, back, everything. Now that I'm older and my looks are quickly going down the drain, I'm a little more cautious about sabotaging myself.

It's taking everything in me to not go into the utility drawer, get the scissors, stick my head under the bathroom sink, and cut them right now.

I've been growing my bangs out for a year because I had high hopes that long, sleek hair would make my face look thinner. Unfortunately, that hasn't really happened. In fact, unless I put a shit ton of time into drying/straightening/curling my hair, it just looks like I have a dirty, dowdy, frizzy, shitty mop on my head. And on any given day, I look like I've spent hours chasing after wild children at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Which is exactly where I draw the line when it comes to my hair.

Do you think I should get bangs? Or stick it out with the long hair?

If you need a refresher on my current hair state, just refer to my Christmas post. HOWEVER- keep in mind, that WAS the holiest day of the year and Baby Jesus visited my hair that day with a Christmas miracle, making it turn out especially healthy and darling.

Either way, I have a hair appointment this weekend. Fingers crossed.

Recipe: Homemade Cut-Out Cookies.

2012-01-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

This is a recipe I discovered a long time ago and over the past few years it's turned into my signature Christmas cookie. I.LOVE.THEM. The fact that I'm even sharing this recipe right now is blowing my mind because I imagine that someone is going to read this recipe and then get super famous over it, sharing it with people like Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres, and then I will find out (and probably get roid rage) and then have to track them down AND KILL THEM.

Anywho.

Even though it's my absolute favorite cookie and I could eat these babies for days (weeks) on end, I save it strictly for Christmas time because they usually take all fucking day to make. And I only have that kind of patience and dedication once a year.

It doesn't require many ingredients. And the directions themselves are surprisingly short. However, anything that involves "chilling" time (unless it's wine) gets -2 points. Add in the fact that you have to roll out the dough and cut, cut, cut, and then roll out the dough and cut, cut, cut over and over again... I'm sure you get the idea on why this has turned into my once a year delight.

Also, the frosting is the kind of stuff dreams are made of.

(CHRISTMAS) CUT-OUT COOKIES

COOKIE INGREDIENTS:
-1 cup butter
-1 cup sugar
-3 tbsp milk
-1 tsp baking soda
-1/2 tsp salt
-1 tsp cream of tartar
-1 tsp vanilla
-3 cups flour

DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients.

(This picture is kinda gross. I don't care.)

Once thoroughly combined, chill dough.

Roll out to about 1/4" thick on a floured table.

Cut with cookie cutters in desired shapes and place on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Sprinkle with colored sugar. Bake at 350 degrees until brown around the edges.

FROSTING INGREDIENTS:
-4 tsp butter
-1 tsp milk
-1 tsp vanilla
Powdered sugar

DIRECTIONS:
Melt butter with milk in microwave until hot. Add vanilla. Mix in powdered sugar until you have a good spreading consistency.

Frost the shit out of your cookies. Eat them by the handful every time you make a trip past the kitchen.

NOTE:
-I chilled my dough for about 30 minutes. I also placed it back in the fridge in between batches.

-I don't bother with measuring the rolled dough thickness. I just stop rolling when it looks like it's a good thickness for cookies.

-I don't do the colored sprinkles. Instead, I insulate my cookies with two inches of frosting.

-Start checking your cookies at 8 minutes in the oven. It doesn't take much for these guys to to get crispy.

-I've turned my back on "greased cookie sheets". Instead, I just use parchment paper. It gives the same non-stickness, but prevents baked goods from slipping and sliding and go all pancake style.

-These cookies don't really expand in the oven. Which means you don't have to worry about cutting apart one giant pizookie.

-The frosting takes a lot of powdered sugar to become the perfect spreading consistency. Start by adding a lot of powdered sugar to your butter mixture. Use a whisk to break up all the lumps. Then add a shitload more sugar. Whisk again. And right when you think you've got it perfect, add more sugar. Whisk as needed.

Boner'ppetite!

Christmas with TILTE 2011.

2011-12-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

Despite knowing that every other blogger is posting millions of holiday pictures and really, nobody cares about holiday pictures unless they're featured in them, I'm still going to post a shitload of my own Christmas pix.

I can't promise they're going to be entertaining. But since this is my blog and I call the shots around here, I'm just going to do it anyway.

Christmas 2011, Featuring TILTE and Family.

Decor...

My favorite wrapping paper this year: Purchased at the $.99 Store

Holiday cards on display

Our tree

Wintery decorations at Boyfriend's relative's house

Nativity at Boyfriend's parents' house

Biscuit being a regal beagle

My Christmas cookies in the making

White Russian. AKA dealing with baked goods that take fucking forever to make

A cooking staple at my Grandma's house

Family Time...

Pearl and her cousin playing in the yard

Mom showing off the new scarf I got her

The kids were mesmerized by A Christmas Story

"Come play with us Danny..."

Grandma talking to relatives in far away places

Me and Boyfriend

Pearl and her Grandpa

Gifts and Miscellaneous...

Red Robin gift card - Holla!

Biscuit's wearing her Chippendale's bowtie

Pearl and a LaLaLoopsie (I hate those scary ass dolls)

One of our top favorite gifts: New plateware!!!

Boyfriend's super shocked face over THE BEST GIFT EVER (that I happened to get him)...

...CUSTOMIZED GUITAR PICKS.

Special Moments Caught on Film...

Worth noting:

-I've turned into a hermit and can't bear the thought of going into work tomorrow. Even though I love my job, I'm hurling at the thought of having to wake up early and sit in traffic.

-My breakfasts for the past four days have consisted of cookies and Earl Grey.

-In related news, I've outgrown every item of clothing I own. Even my scarves.

-My actual Christmas night dinner consisted of a tuna sandwich and Lay's potato chips. Since our official celebration meals took place on Friday and Saturday, neither Boyfriend nor I had any desire to cook/ clean/ go out for food. It was fucking delicious.

Was my Christmas everything you imagined it would be???

Christmas 2011.

2011-12-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

My life has been super hectic lately, as I'm sure everyone else on the planet's has been. This year, Christmas has been creeping up quickly on me, much like a ghetto thief hanging around the parking of the local Wal-Mart.

Just so we're all on the same page here, this is what I've been busy with.

We had a "Cookie Decorating" party at my mom's house. As you can see, the kids went crazy with the sprinkle shit. By round two of cookie decorating, all the supplies were gone.

They also made a really easy candy-type recipe my mom found, called Peppermint Bark.

Lastly, all the kids made Christmas Pomanders. If you've never made these, they're easy and make the house smell great.

I met the star and director of the film Bellflower. He was super nice and we hung out, shooting the shit, in the Humor section of Barnes & Noble.

(My coworker pointed out that I was dressed like Fred from Scooby-Doo.)

Biscuit's made some guest appearances at my office lately. She LOVES being a hard-working professional. Especially on "business casual" days.

We had my company holiday party at The Delphine in Hollywood. As I'm sure you all have guessed, I'm not a high-roller and would probably not go to a place like this on my own. So, I was very excited and felt like a pimp daddy. Unfortunately, the food was a thumbs down. On the positive side though, my hair and makeup turned out great.

And because I like to save the best for last, here are some special moments caught on camera. These are from the "Lazy Eye Club". (Click to enlarge)

This one was my original pick for my TILTE Christmas photo. However, it was too embarrassing, even by my standards.

So on that note...

Happy Holidays from the TILTE household!

Snickerdoodles.

2011-12-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

The other day, I woke up from a nap in a Snickerdoodle frenzy. After a short Google search, I made up my mind on this recipe.

SOFT SNICKERDOODLE COOKIES

INGREDIENTS:
-1 cup butter
-1 1/2 cups sugar
-2 eggs
-2 3/4 cups flour
-2 teaspoons cream of tartar
-1 tsp baking soda
-1/4 tsp salt
-3 tbsp sugar
-3 tsp cinnamon

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. Mix butter, 1 1/2 cups sugar, and eggs.

3. In a separate bowl, combine flour, cream of tartar, baking soda, and salt. Blend dry ingredients into the butter mixture.

4. Chill dough and ungreased cookie sheet in the fridge for 15 minutes.

5. Mix the remaining sugar and cinnamon.

6. Make 1-inch balls of dough and roll in cinnamon mixture.

7. Place on cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes.

8. Remove from sheet immediately.

(Unfortunately, this is the only picture I took. In real life, they don't look quite so much like they were dropped in sand.)

NOTE: Since each oven is different, I would suggest messing around with the cooking time a bit. At the 10 minute mark, my cookies came out gooey in the middle. 11 minutes, 30 seconds worked perfect for my batch. They were still soft.

Juju Bee @ Food.com did not let me down. These cookies are simple to make and I had all the ingredients already in my kitchen. They're a great baked item to take to holiday events since they're kind of festive (cinnamon!) and take no effort. And by "holiday event", I mean for those days when you call in sick so you can stay home and watch DVR'd episodes of Judge Judy.

Boner'ppetite.

A Funny Story About My Dog.

2011-12-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

I know what you're saying.

YES, it's another post about Biscuit. And YES, this blog is supposed to be about food. And YES, I am looking great today.

I'm still a little burnt out from the Thanksgiving fiesta, so I don't really have much to share on the food front.

Which means you get another story about my dog.

And before you get too involved, BE FORWARNED: This story has to do with poop.

On the December 24, 2008 (two weeks after we'd adopted Biscuit), my boss called an in-office meeting even though we all had the day off. It was going to be a short meeting and my coworker Grant and I were both allowed to bring our newly adopted pups.

During the meeting, Biscuit was full of energy. She was only a 2.5 month old puppy, so it wasn't surprising that she spent the hour pulling and tugging and yelping and just being an overall nuisance. I had to put her on a leash because otherwise she would take off running throughout the office or chew up naughty things like the Play Station cords. (I'd like to add- Grant's dog Stella was a total DREAMBOAT and just slept in his lap the whole time. Some dogs should take note (Biscuit, I'm talking to you.).)

My boss, who thought he was a fucking dog whisperer extraordinaire, offered to take the leash so he could demonstrate how to get a dog "under control".

Not long after, Biscuit wandered outside the conference room. Still inside the office suite, but outside of view.

I noticed the slack on her leash wasn't moving. Like all of a sudden she wasn't curious about anything and everything in sight.

Something seemed wrong.

I quietly got up from my seat and walked towards the door to see what she was doing.

That was when I saw it.

She was squatting to take a pee.

After a quick "Oh fuck", I ran to the kitchen to grab the roll of paper towels. I ran straight back and unrolled what I can only guess was about 500 paper towels to soak it up.

As I pressed them onto the floor, making sure to BLOT, not WIPE, I realized something was wrong again. In the split second between realizing "Uh-oh" to when I lifted my head and looked over at Biscuit, I saw the last thing any employee (who actually LIKES their job) wants to see...

Biscuit was positioning up for a shit.

INSIDE.MY.BOSS'S.OFFICE.

I quickly leapt (like an actual leapfrog) from the lesser-important pee spot over to Biscuit.

Somehow in my horrible realization of what was about to go down, I forgot to bring the paper towels with me.

And it was too late to turn back for them.

Because the shit was coming.

Literally. She was shitting.

It was just like in the movies where the main character is looking left and right for something and then at the last second they do something real crazy-like.

Which is exactly what happened.

Because I reached my hands out...

And caught Biscuit's poop.

In my hands.

Hot, steamy, soft-served poop. In my hands. While I'm kneeling in my boss's office.

This was seriously the biggest poop I could have imagined coming out of that little body, because not only was there enough to fill my hands, some turdage also landed on the carpet.

Thankfully, I managed to be hidden behind walls during this whole disaster. And lucky for me, nobody has the image of me sitting on the ground holding hot dog turds on Christmas Eve burned into their memory (like the way it is in mine).

From here, the action wraps up pretty quickly.

I throw the shit out in a trash liner, tie it up tight, and toss it in the main trash. I soak the carpet through with 409. And I burn my hands off in an incinerator.

A few months later, I was laid off due to company cut backs.

I didn't feel so bad about the shit anymore.

What's New with Biscuit?

2011-12-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

Many* of you have been asking how Biscuit is and what she's been up to these days.

Here are some updates:

She had to go to the vet a couple weeks back for a mysterious gaping, oozy wound on the side of her neck. Thankfully, it was just a "hot spot" that had gone awry. The vet gave her a shot of steroids and sent us home with a daily ointment (and a nice little $160 bill).

Since her hot spot was in just the right positioning that a funnel collar was pointless, and bandage wrapped all around her torso slipped off within minutes, the vet advised that we put an old t-shirt on her to prevent scratching and irritation. As soon as I heard about the shirt suggestion, I knew the perfect thing.

I KNEW THIS DOG COAT WOULD COME IN HANDY ONE DAY.

Last week, I saw this cool dog toy at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

It's a dog puzzle where you hide little treats under each slide-able circle and the dog has to sniff around and figure out how to get to the treat. It was a little pricey, but it was one of those "smart" dog toys that keeps dogs busy for hours. I figured it would be good for those long days when Boyfriend and I are at work.

Yes! Great idea!! I'm pet owner of the year because I think about smart dog toys to keep my dog entertained for hours because she's a fucking dog genius and needs brain stimulation all day long!!! High five to myself!!!

Yesterday, Boyfriend came home to this...

Hm. Not exactly the outcome I was hoping for with my new genius-dog-toy.

Or maybe she's smarter than I originally thought.

*None

We Hosted Our First Thanksgiving.

2011-11-27T15:37:00.001-08:00

When it comes to cooking a Thanksgiving meal, I've heard some horror stories. Everything from forgetting to thaw the turkey, to forgetting to take out the giblets, to overcooking, to under cooking, to putting the thermometer in the wrong part of the meat, to the thermometer not working, etc.

That, coupled with my not-exactly-stellar cooking abilities meant the potential for things going wrong this Thanksgiving was in a zone I'd like to call "EXTREMELY HIGH".

Did I mention, neither Boyfriend nor I had ever made a turkey before...?

So Boyfriend and I were in shock and awe over the TOTAL MOTHER FUCKING SUCCESS that was Thanksgiving 2011. We pretty much high-fived each other all day long.

The menu went as follows:

TILTE and Boyfriend in charge of...
-turkey
-mashed potatoes
-asparagus
-rice pilaf
-sweet potato casserole
-rolls
-cranberry relish

Mom in charge of...
-apple pie
-pumpkin pie
-cranberry fluff
-stuffing

Sisters in charge of...
-cheese ball appetizer
-crackers
-drinks

Our preparations actually began probably two weeks before, when I started hoarding non-perishables like the people on those crazy couponing shows. Except, like an asshole, I totally forgot to buy my fresh herbs until the day before the dinner (which was actually the day AFTER real Thanksgiving). I went to two local grocery stores and both "herb" sections were picked clean. Except for Tarragon because nobody fucking buys Tarragon.

BUT THEN...

The produce guy at Albertson's was my superhero when he brought me a "Thanksgiving Plant" that had the exact three herbs I was looking for: Sage, Rosemary, & Thyme.

My next hero was a pack of Knorr Homestyle Stock that was a freebie from BlogHer. I used two little tubs to make stock for basting the turkey. Adding stock to the bottom of the roasting pan was a savior. And as a non-turkey-maker, I had no idea anything even needed to be added to the pan.

Since I'm not a big fan of plain old turkey, we opted for one of those fancy looking, "herby" birds. The recipe we used for the herb-butter can be found HERE. It was delicious tasting and looking. And it made the house smell like we were legit chefs and shit.

The house was all set up for guests.

People started arriving. While Boyfriend and I slaved away in the kitchen, everyone mingled and ate homemade cheese ball.

All the food was ready for serving by 5:30.

Only 30 minutes late, which is great if you ask me because I'm always late and with a menu like this, things were destined to not only be late, but really awful too. But they weren't awful. In fact, everything turned out great. AND it was all ready at the same time due to meticulously planning out how long each item will take to prep/ cook and noting exactly what time to start said item.

The blessed turkey.

The herb-butter was a hit. However, next time I would probably cook it for a tad longer.

Table 1 of 3. With some extra tables, everyone was able to eat in the dining room. All twelve guests.

That's right.

We fed twelve people without making anyone sick. And trust me, if we had made anyone sick, they would have called to complain by now.

Afterwards, everyone split up around the house and found their preferred lazy spot.

Mom and sister watching TV in the bedroom...

Brother and his middle finger...

Boyfriend relaxing from our victory...

And yours truly. Practicing my greasy Barbizon model pose for the camera.

Awww, and Biscuit with her hologram eyes. (Contrary to what you've heard about Jersey Shore's Sammy the Sweetheart, BISCUIT is actually the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.)

All the kids had their own thing going on. And since they had free reign to do whatever they wanted as long as no one was being an asshole, there was lots of running and hiding and it seemed uncomfortably close to Lord of the Flies.
Also, there were costumes.

And just because I don't want any of you thinking my nephew is some kind of bohemian hooligan, here's a picture of him being "normal" with a mouth full of whipped cream.

Also. A pic of my sister. So there's that.

And just so we end NOT on a note that points out how weird we all are, here's a shot of some pie.

Now that you've basically participated in a home cooked TILTE Thanksgiving, are you as impressed as I am??

Probably not.

But it was a completely success in my eyes.

Boner'ppetite.

Pre-Partying: Thanksgiving Edition

2011-11-22T21:40:00.000-08:00

Meet my coworkers.

Today we celebrated our office "Thanksgiving". The boss said he was thankful for having all of us rad people to work with. (Damn, he stole my line.) It was a success and everyone pigged out.

I even tried Tofurky for the first time. It was kind of like thinly sliced bologna. Not turkeyish at all. Meateaters will not be fooled by it. With that said, it wasn't so bad. I was actually pleasantly surprised.

There was even some of this.

And this.

But surprisingly, no one had any.

It's because we didn't want to ruin our focus. We're dedicated employees, you see.

Anyway.

I'll be going to Boyfriend's family's house for the real Thanksgiving day. And then...

AND THEN...

We'll be hosting our first official "hosted" "holiday" "event" on the following Saturday.

Crazy, right?

Shut up. Yes it is crazy. You've seen the way I cook. Plus, three days of holiday food in one week is a lot, even by my standards.

Are there any helpful cooking hints I should be aware of before I start on this downward, drunken turkey-hating spiral...?

White Bean and Sausage Rigatoni.

2011-11-20T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I don't even need to say "I found this wonderful recipe in my FAVORITE magazine, Anyone Can Cook" because just about everything I make comes from there.

So.

I found this wonderful recipe in my favorite magazine, Anyone Can Cook.

It's for baked pasta.

And if there's one thing I like to do, it's eat the shit out of some pasta.

WHITE BEAN AND SAUSAGE RIGATONI

INGREDIENTS:

-6 cups (or one box) dried rigatoni
-8 oz. cooked kielbasa
-1/2 of a 6 oz. can Italian-style tomato paste
-1/4 cup dry red wine or reduced-sodium chicken broth
-2 10 oz. packages frozen chopped spinach, thawed and well-drained
-2 14.5 oz. cans diced tomatoes with basil, oregano, and garlic, undrained
1 15 oz. can Great Northern beans, rinsed and drained
1/3 cup grated or finely shredded Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 375F. Cook rigatoni according to package. Drain and transfer to a large bowl.

Cut kielbasa in half lengthwise, then cut into bite size pieces. In a small bowl, combine tomato paste and chicken broth.

Add kielbasa, tomato paste mixture, spinach, tomatoes, and beans to the rigatoni; stir to combine. Transfer to an ungreased 3-quart rectangular baking dish.

Bake, covered, about 25 minutes or until heated through. Uncover; sprinkle with Parmesan. Bake, uncovered, about 5 minutes or until cheese melts. Makes 6 to 8 servings.

NOTES:
-I used chicken broth instead of red wine.
-20 oz of spinach is way too much, IMO. Next time I think I would take it down to 10-12 oz.
-I couldn't find Great Northern beans at my grocery store. I went with standard "White Beans" and I loved it. Boyfriend wasn't so crazy about the beans in general, but I think it was actually my favorite part.
-Add as much Parmesan as you want. It's impossible to have too much. Also, only used fresh. It's way better than the dusty canned stuff.

This is a pretty hearty meal and it's simple to make. Perfect for rainy days or a quick family dinner.

Boner'ppetite.

New Things to Keep Your Eyeballs Enterainted While You Sit at Your Desk and Pretend to Work.

2011-11-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

Both of my sisters started blogs.

Crazy shit, right?

Shut up. Yes it is crazy.

You would think it was crazy if you actually knew them.

Check out their blogs during down time in between my posts. Which basically means ANY time because I hardly ever post these days.

Unnamed sister A (Bigger Than Average Mom) is writing about trying to lose weight and UTIs at Ramblings of a Bigger Than Average Mom. Apparently, talking about TMI runs in the family. Who knew.

And unnamed sister B (the NumberWhisperer) is writing about random family stories and work stuff at Original Thoughts of an Unoriginal Thinker. She has three young sons and I'm pretty sure she hates life sometimes (ironically, those two things aren't even related).

When comparing all of our blogs, mine probably fits right in between their two. Which, coincidentally, is pretty much how we are in real life, too.

Make sure to check those mofos out.

Also?

OMFG!! THERE'S ONLY 38 DAYS, 3 HOURS, AND 17 MINUTES TILL CHRISTMAS!!!

(Picture courtesy of my new favorite site, codyketchum.tumblr.com)

I just get a little excited, okay.

Semi-Homemade Cupcakes.

2011-11-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

I originally had these cupcakes at my friend Rachel's birthday party for her one year old son. They were delicious.

And although I was tentative and skeptical at first because they're vegan (VEGAN??!?), I ended up fucking inhaling it in two seconds flat. And then I had another. Because I like even numbers.

Trader Joe's Vegan Cupcakes

CAKE INGREDIENTS
-Trader Joe's cake mix
-3 tbsp flax seed powder
-Canola oil
-9 tbsp water
-Almond Breeze Vanilla

DIRECTIONS:
-Combine flax seed and water until mixed. Set aside.

Follow cake directions, substituting flax seed mixture for eggs AND Almond Breeze for water. Bake according to package.

When cupcakes are done (Use a toothpick to check- if it comes out clean, it's done.), set aside to cool.

FROSTING INGREDIENTS
-Trader Joe's White Frosting Mix
-Canola Oil
-Almond Breeze
-Strawberries

DIRECTIONS
Follow directions according to package, substituting oil for butter AND Almond Breeze for water. Frost your cakes.

Top each cupcake with slices of fresh strawberry.

Eat it.

Worth Noting:
-Rachel used Trader Joe's Vanilla Bean cake mix; I used Golden Yellow cake mix. Both came out great, IMO.
-I noticed buttermilk was one of the ingredients in the cake mix. I'm not sure if that totally cancels out this whole "vegan" thing I have going on here.
-Do NOT omit the strawberry. It seriously makes the cupcake.
-I had some problems with my frosting. At first I thought it had too much oil, so I added some powdered sugar to soak it up. Then it was too clumpy. Boyfriend suggested adding more Almond Breeze. The combination of the extra Almond Breeze and several minutes with the electric mixer resulted in a perfect consistency.
-I LOVE these cupcakes. In fact, just posting these pictures has been making my mouth water. However, not everyone in my family was as impressed with them. My mom complained about tasting canola oil, my nephew Hogan grinned from ear-to-ear when he politely said "I hate it.", and a couple of other family members thought they tasted more like banana-nut bread or corn bread muffins. Just a heads up.
-You can also just make these totally non-vegan.

Boner'ppetite.

A Halloween Post. And Yes, I Know I'm a Week Late.

2011-11-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

Last year, Halloween ended up being a bust because I wound up with a migraine ON Halloween night. And when I finally came out of my Excedrin-induced coma, I was pissed that all my hard work had gone to waste.

I was Gallagher.

This year, I recycled one of my old costumes (I have PLENTY.) and dressed up for work. Here are some highlights from the office.

Neo from The Matrix

A kitty playing with a ball

A scary grim reaper

Yours truly as Pippi Longstocking

And my favorite: Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation. (This guy gets major cred because he actually grew his moustache for a month preparing for this costume. Well played...)

Since Boyfriend and I weren't going to have Pearl on Halloween night, we took advantage of a local pre-Halloween event and got all dressed up the Saturday before. There was a costume contest (that Pearl would have killed in, but she was too scared) and lots of downtown shops were giving away candy so kids could trick-or-treat safely during the daytime.

Here are my top three faves from the day...

#3: Old school scaryass clown

#2: CATS the broadway musical

#1: Albert Einstein

Pearl's makeup was inspired by this tutorial. Her dress was a $30 steal from Home Goods. In my head, I'm going to say she was Claudia from Interview with a Vampire. In Pearl's words, I think she was actually something like Zombie Vampire Dead-Girl Doll-Princess.

BEFORE...

Step 1: Powder face...

Step 2: Create "sad eyes" (and I don't mean "Sad Eyes" the homegirl from down the street)...

Step 3: Draw some wicked cool eyebrows (like "Sad Eyes" from down the street)...

Step 4: Add some contouring and lipstick...

And voila. Your ~~Claudia from Interview with a Vampire~~ Zombie Vampire Dead-Girl Doll-Princess look is complete.

I love that she's not all girly-girl'd out. Also, Biscuit's trying to go in for a smooch. She's a lover, not a fighter.

Speaking of Biscuit...

This bitch loves Halloween.

And lastly, we'll end on a "normal family" note. We went to the pumpkin patch.

I'm still large and in charge. Diets are for suckers.

How was your Halloween??

Blogging Etiquette: What Would You Do?

2011-10-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Recently, The Vegetable Assassin had a post that got me thinking...

What do you do when a blog you're following has taken on a different style? Let's just use my blog for example.

Let's say you joined my blog early on, when all I wrote about was food and restaurants. Maybe you're a foodie or whatever. So as time goes on, my post topics change to House Hunters, and endometriosis, and poop. And you think to yourself "I'm not into this shit anymore."

Do you unfollow the blog? Is that bad blogging etiquette?

I mean, I could totally unfollow someone's blog and not think twice because the chances of ever running into a fellow blogger IRL is like negative. But is that actually considered poor form? It shouldn't be, right?

I know some bloggers might be offended. I know because I've been there. But seriously, people stop following for a number of reasons and it shouldn't be the scandal of the century to UNfollow someone. What does it matter if I don't care what you wore today or how you choose to raise your kid? Or my favorite blog type of all- the ones where people constantly post NOT ironic duckface? You might be a cool person, but I'm just not super interested in your blog topic.

I mean seriously, see how silly you look...?

Anyway.

We read stories we're interested in. If we're not interested, why read?

So, follow or unfollow: What would YOU do?

I'm Running Out of Time.

2011-10-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

The title of this post makes me think of those emails you get from that Nigerian Prince you never met who needs your "asistanse" getting you that large inheritance from his independently wealthy uncle who just died and has no other heirs to give it to. (What?) And since those emails always have complete success, I'm only assuming the same thing will happen with this blog.

Anyway.

Time has been going by so fast lately.

I'm in a little bit of a routine. I don't really mind it. Because it's a good routine that keeps me busy and entertained. But it just seems like there are things I want to do, stories I want to write, accomplishments I want to make. And there's not enough time.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to speed things up and see what's in my future. Or if I want to slow things down and stop to smell the flowers. I guess I'm a little like that crazy bitch Jesse Spano when she took some stupid caffeine pills and started dancing around, singing The Pointer Sisters. "No time! Never any time!!!"

Maybe it's the time of year? School just started (not that it makes any difference to me), holidays are around the corner. The next couple of months are going to fly by, and before you know it, it'll be 2012.

Maybe it's my age? Everyone around me is starting (or continuing) to grow a family. They're doing special "parenty" events like taking their babies to the pumpkin patch and planning birthday parties and posting on Facebook about first teeth and first steps. Yeah. This kind of stuff bums my shit out.

Maybe it's my new job? Did I tell you about that? My new job? I'M GETTING PAID TO WRITE. Crazy shit, right? Anyway, I LOVE everything about my new job. Really, everything. But considering I'd been totally used to working from home for the past year (and by "working from home", I really mean blogging and watching The People's Court), I guess it's possible that actually GETTING UP and going INTO work might be making me feel like my days are slipping by, like the sands of time on the opening credits of Days of Our Lives.

Does this feeling ever slow down? Or have I reached a point of no return because I'm all old and shit and soon I'll be lecturing teenagers with anecdotes that start out with "When I was your age..."?

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I just thought I'd share.

Oh- and mega thanks to those who commented on my last post about Kids: Yay or Nay? I'd still love to hear all of your thoughts on the topic, guys especially. There's no right or wrong answer, so don't worry, I'm not going to bash you for saying babies suck and they ruin everything.

Since It's Almost Halloween, Here's Something Scary to Think About.

2011-10-21T20:21:00.001-07:00

It has to do with babies.

Hopefully, I didn't lose any male readers right there because I would actually love to get all kinds of perspectives on this- males and females, with/ without kids.

The other day, a male friend and I were talking about babies.

He mentioned something about how getting pregnant just messes up the girl's body and basically ruins the guy's life.

This statement really made an impression on me because I guess I just never thought of it as such a DIRE situation.

Am I disillusioned because I'm at a point in my life where every fucking person I know is getting pregnant/ having kids (and posting their every fucking move on Facebook) (ignore my passive-aggressiveness- I'd probably be doing the same thing) and I'm not in the same babyboat because my stupid insides have taken a long walk off a short pier? Pretty much everything baby-related looks like roses from where I stand.

I mean, I'm not dumb. I know it's not always like this:

In fact, it's usually a lot more like this:

But there has to be a fair amount of Kodak moments... And they eventually grow out of the goofy alien stage and turn into a cool kid (depending on the parents, I guess). That probably has some fun stuff involved, right??

What do you guys think? I'd like to hear every and all sides of the topic.

Aaaaaaaand go.

Homemade Chili.

2011-10-14T08:09:00.001-07:00

Remember that one time I went on a diet?

That was cute when I did that.

Anyway.

Boyfriend and I made chili last weekend and it was off the chain delicious. And considering how easy it was to make, I think we were both surprised by how great it turned out.

CHILI (adapted from Anyone Can Cook magazine)

INGREDIENTS

1 lb of lean ground turkey
1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped onion
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 15-oz can of tomato sauce
1 15-oz can of red kidney beans, undrained
1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes, undrained
2 heaping teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dried basil, crushed
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
cheddar cheese, grated (optional)
sour cream (optional)
avocado, sliced (optional)
margaritas (not optional)

DIRECTIONS

In a 3-qt saucepan cook ground beef, bell pepper, onion, and garlic all together over medium heat until meat is browned and onion is tender. Drain fat.

Throw in the rest of the ingredients- tomato sauce, beans, tomatoes, chili powder, salt, basil, and black pepper. Bring to a boil, reduce heat. Simmer, covered, for 20 minutes.

Top each serving with cheddar, sour cream, avocado, or whatever you feel like. It's also great served with cornbread muffins.

Also, eat it with a margarita. It's perfect, actually.

Also-also, this is perfect "Sunday" food. It goes with football AND bridal marathons.

Boner'ppetite.

TILTE's Panzanella Salad.

2011-10-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

This is a recipe for something healthy I ate.

I figured I should share it with you right away because I'm probably going to fall off the wagon before the week is over (I've already fallen off several times, actually) and I'd like to look back on this glorious moment and feel all nostalgic about that one time I became super healthy and fit.

Important Note: If you omit the chicken from this recipe, it is TOTALLY SUITABLE FOR VEGETARIANS AND VEGANS!!!

TILTE's Panzanella Salad

INGREDIENTS

- Italian Bread
- Italian seasoning
- olive oil
- 20 cherry tomatoes, halved
- red onion, sliced into thin strips (however much you like)
- 8 leaves fresh basil, chiffonade'ed
- 1 avocado, sliced into wedges or cubes
- 1 chicken breast (we cooked extra, but all you need for this recipe is one)
- 3 white potatoes
- 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 1/4 tsp pepper
- romaine lettuce

Missing from this picture: Italian seasoning, olive oil, garlic, salt, and pepper

DIRECTIONS

Sprinkle salt, pepper, and onion powder on both sides of chicken breasts. Place in a shallow baking dish that's been coated with olive oil. Cook for roughly 25 minutes at 400- or until juices run clear.

Slice bread into cubes and place on a cookie sheet. Drizzle with olive oil and Italian seasoning. Throw it in the oven for 15 minutes. Or until they're toasted the way you like it.

Boil whole potatoes until you can easily stick a fork in them.

Once chicken is done cooking, cut into cubes. Throw chicken, tomatoes, onion, basil, potatoes, avocado, croutons, and lettuce into a large bowl.

In a screw-top jar (or one of those "make your own salad dressing" containers), combine vinegar, olive oil, garlic, salt, and pepper. Shake that shit up. Pour over salad.

Eat it.

This salad is perfect for people who are NOT very "salady". The ingredients are hearty and filling and the dressing is full of flavor. I will definitely keep this on my regular dinner rotation.

Anyone out there willing to try it, let me know what you think!!

Boner'ppetite.

I'm Going to End Up Eating Kibble When No One's Looking.

2011-10-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone* (*no one) has been majorly concerned about my whereabouts lately and wondering why my posts have been so few and far between.

So I'm here to tell you all* (*mom) not to worry, everything is going great. And by "great", I mean "fat". And before you embarrass yourself and ask if I'm pregnant, let me say No, I am not pregnant. So when you see me out at happy hour, don't be worried that I'm damaging my unborn baby. There's no baby. It's just waffles.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way.

I have something to share with you today. It's something that I'm pretty fucking excited about, but I realize that you probably won't give a shit about it. That's totally fine. Based on my analytics, I've come to accept the fact that our friendship "honeymoon" may have come to an end.

Alright, so the big topic of discussion is... my diet.

My diet is shit and I'm gaining weight and I'm not looking good.

With that said, I'm taking a stand against my chins and butts, y'all.

And I'm inviting YOU to stand against my chins and butts with me. (I know what I said.)

I created an account on DailyBurn to track everything I eat. With every item I track, my counter updates and lets me know how many calories, grams of fat, grams of protein, and grams of carbs I have left in the day in order to stay within my "lose weight" range.

If you're interested in making a DailyBurn account to track your food, let me know and we can be buddies! We can totally keep each other motivated AND get ideas from each other for healthy meals. And don't worry- nobody can see your private details (weight). And if we become buddies and it turns out you actually CAN see my weight details, you better fucking pretend like you never saw that shit.
Disclaimer: If you're one of those super competitive people and you have no problem going all anorexic and shit, we can't be friends.

And to get the ball rolling on this bitch, I'm even going to share my digits for today:

See that exclamation point in the "Fat" category? That means I did an OUTSTANDING job at overeating fat today. Also- it looks like someone needs to drink more water.

So... Who's in???

Easy Pasta.

2011-09-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

This recipe started out as a total fluke one night when groceries were slim and Boyfriend and I were being "resourceful". It turned out to be one of my favorite quick meals.

EASY PASTA

Ingredients:
-egg noodles
-butter
-red sauce
-bell pepper, diced
-mozzarella cheese
-salami, chopped to bite sized pieces
-truffle oil (optional)

Forgot to include the damn bell pepper.

Directions:
Cook pasta in salted water according to package. Once cooked, mix with a little butter and truffle oil (this helps it not stick AND the truffle oil adds a nice flavor). Add diced bell peppers, salami, red sauce and mozzarella in any amount that you like. I go easy on the sauce and heavy on everything else. Throw it in the microwave until cheese melts.

I know it looks pretty questionable here, but it's actually really good. And it's really easy to make because, if you're like me, you always have these items on hand.

Boner'ppetite.

Very Important Question.

2011-09-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

Last night, Boyfriend and I went buck wild on some Popeyes chicken. Which reminded me of a convo I had with some family members about a month ago.

My mom suggested we get Popeyes chicken on our way over to my Grandma's house. Well, you would have thought she'd just committed a mortal sin/ burned the flag/ turned down tickets to The Ellen Show with the way my relatives reacted.

Apparently I was in Kentucky Fried Chicken territory. And the mere mention of Popeyes sent everyone into a shit-talking frenzy.

In my opinion, Popeyes wins. Every time. Hands down.

The chicken is crispier and lighter and not dripping with oil. The biscuits taste like they're coated with butter (flavoring). They serve sweet tea which makes me feel like I'm about to sunbathe.

So, friends. I'm asking you...

WHICH DO YOU PREFER: KFC OR POPEYES?

Disclaimer: I'm well aware that I'm comparing two basically identical, fast food corporations that offer a shitload of deep-fried calories and instantly clog every artery in your body. And I know many of you are going to shit your pants at the thought of ever putting that kind of (crispy, delicious) poison into the temple that is your body. Blah blah blah. Whatever. I eat shitty food. We've already established that.

Sundays with TILTE.

2011-09-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, we decided to mess around with some face paint.

Boyfriend donated his artistic abilities, while Pearl and I donated our facial abilities.

I now present to you: A Sunday Morning at TILTE's House.

Hope you enjoyed!

Bitchin' Kitchen.

2011-09-14T21:27:00.001-07:00

Have you guys heard of this show called Bitchin' Kitchen?

It's on The Cooking Channel.

For a while, I flat out refused to watch Bitchin' Kitchen because the host, Nadia G. seemed fucking ridiculous. And I watch a lot of ridiculous shit, so that says a lot if even I refuse to watch it.

And then one day I made the mistake of lingering too long on an episode (in the hopes of spitting hate all over it). And the fucking obvious happened.

I fell in love with it.

The premise of the show is an Italian-American (by way of Canada) bombshell who has a Brooklyn/ Jersey/ Unidentifiable accent makes good food and cracks jokes along the way. She also has regular guests on the show who add helpful tidbits and sometimes pointless drivel, but at least they're semi-good-looking.

So, have you guys seen this show? What do you think?? Am I crazy for loving it?

Salmon and Orzo.

2011-09-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight Boyfriend and I made what I would consider a "fancy dinner". It didn't involve cheese sauces or butter, which is pretty strange, I know.

I've had this salmon recipe since I was in my early 20's. I'm sure I saw it online, but who knows how I found it.

The recipe for orzo was something I tried at Trader Joe's. It was one of those samples you get and hope they're not looking when you stop in for round #2 and #3 because you're starving and it was so fucking good and if you could just get ONE MORE TASTE you'd be able to decide if you want to try it at home.

EASY BAKED SALMON

Ingredients:
-2 cloves of garlic, minced
-6 tbsp olive oil
-1 tsp dried basil
-1 tsp salt
-1 tsp ground black pepper
-1 tbsp lemon juice
-1 tbsp parsley
-2 filets salmon

Directions:
Prepare marinade by mixing garlic, olive oil, basil, salt, pepper, lemon juice and parsley.

Place filets in marinade and refrigerate about 1 hr, turning occasionally.

Preheat oven to 375. Place filets in aluminum foil, cover with marinade, and seal.

Place sealed salmon in glass dish. Bake 35-45 min.

NOTE:
-I got my salmon filets straight from the fish market. Both cuts came to a total of just under 1lb and it was juuuuust over the right amount for two people.

-I used fresh parsley and fresh lemon juice (I'm sure you can use dried parsley and the lemon juice that comes in that plastic fake-ass lemon, but it's probably more flavorful if you use fresh.)
-I cooked the filets for 40 min and then let them sit in their tin foils for another 5 min before serving. They came out moist and flakey. Fucking perfect.

TRADER JOES ORZO SALAD

Ingredients:
-Orzo
-Cherry tomatoes
-Greek Style Feta dressing
-Feta cheese
-Artichoke hearts (frozen)

Directions:
Cook orzo according to package. Cook artichokes according to package.

Slice tomatoes in half.

Combine cooked orzo, artichokes, salad dressing, tomatoes, and feta. Serve room temperature or cold.

NOTE:
-Since this was a Trader Joe's sample, there's no accurate measurement for the ingredients. Just add enough stuff to make it taste good.
-I made the mistake of not cutting the artichokes into bite-sized pieces and they were kind of a mouthful. Next time, I would cut them post-cooking, pre-eating.
-In my opinion, it needs a generous portion of dressing and feta. That's where most of the flavor comes from. So if you're not big on cheese that smells like feet, this recipe probably isn't for you.
-This recipe seems perfect for big groups and potluck type events.

I know I made a big, giant, cooking faux-pas by serving these two items together because the orzo has feta in it and everyone knows that fish + cheese = barf. Whatever, I did it anyway. Next time I'll probably split these two lovers apart and serve them with other items.

This post goes out to my vegetarian readers since I pretty much never make anything non-meaty. (Fish counts as vegetarian, right? It does today.)

Try these recipes out and let me know what you think!

Boner'ppetite.

In Case You Need a Laugh.

2011-09-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I came across two things that made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a while.

The first one is a website I found on StumbleUpon. The page in question involves a guy who steals his friend's photos from Facebook, slightly alters them, and then places them back online on his own account. This page seriously had me laughing out loud, by myself, in my office. And then again on my drive home. And then again when I got home.

OLI AND ALEX - JAMES' FACE

The second is a clip from that horrifying, redneck, disaster of a show, Toddlers and Tiaras. When we first watched this scene, Boyfriend was silent, jaw on the floor. I, on the other hand, immediately burst into a fit of cackles and had to rewind/ rewatch like eight times. And then I recorded it. To share with all of you. Because that's what good friends do.

To those I'm friends with IRL or in my Facebook group: Apologies for the repost. These things were just too good to not share.

And speaking of too good to not share...

Happy Friday.

The One Where I Complain About Being Old.

2011-09-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

Before you flip the fuck out and slap me across the face for pretending like I'm old, allow me to explain myself.

I've never thought as the "30's" as old. Never. And when it comes to fashion and humor and maturity (see: Immaturity) level, I definitely think I'm far from being old.

But lately, my shit's been saying otherwise. And by my shit, I mean my body. Not my actual shit.

When I turned 30, my friend Melody said something along the lines of "Good luck. Your body totally changes like the second you turn 30. It happened to me." I thought she was bluffing her balls off and I didn't bat an eyelash at it. And here I am, 31, and now I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

-At 30, my mystery stomach problems kicked into high gear leaving me in such severe pain that I ended up in the ER. A year later, it was diagnosed as endometriosis. It was such a relief to finally get a fucking answer about what my problem was... but that feeling of relief was quickly followed by the realization that I might not be able to have kids. And that pretty much sucked.

My future.

-I started getting melasma spots on my face that now make me look like I have a permanent Hitler stache. And if you don't know what melasma spots are, they're those unfortunate looking dark spots that some women get on their face that make them look like they've been playing in dirt ditches and shit. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be winning America's Next Top Model this season.

My future.

-My metabolism slowed waaaaay the fuck down and I'm getting rounder by the second. I know what you're saying- "TILTE, maybe it's because you eat all kinds of fatty shit and you're the laziest person I know." Well, to that I say "I KNOW. QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE ALREADY." The thing that gets me about gaining weight is that I've always eaten like this and I've never had a problem staying thin. But now, it's like all the cranks and shafts and pulleys and levers inside my body have rusted over and come to a complete deep-fried halt. Even just getting dressed in the morning makes me FUCKING IRATE because it's like WWIII trying to break into a pair of freshly laundered jeans. And when I'm sitting at my desk and lean over to get something, my belly rolls are fighting their way to make it past each other. And as much as I hate to admit this, I've even worn loose fitting yoga type pants OUTSIDE of the house. -Which is fine for some people. But I'm just not one of those people. And to make matters worse, almost all of my friends have kids and they're still in just as great shape as always. And don't even get me started on the ones who've had kids and look BETTER.THAN.EVER. (I'm talking to you, Rachel C.) I'm not even pregnant and I'm already letting myself go. :::suicide:::

My future.

-My back always hurts. I've turned into one of those crazy old bats who always carries around a heating pack and downs Motrin like it's heroin-laced Skittles. I know my endometriosis plays a big part in my chronic back pains. It's tiresome and frustrating to know I get achy just after a normal day of sitting/ standing. Again, I know what you're going to say- "TILTE, if you just do some exercises and stretches it won't be so bad" to which I say "I KNOW. QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO ASSHOLE." And I know you're totally right. But I have zero motivation to do something unless someone else is there telling me to do it. -And doing it with me. -And then taking me out to froyo afterwards to celebrate.

My future.

-I'm going gray. But I'm not like one of those freekazoids who actually lets their hair grow out gray. I dye those sonavabitches every few weeks. Because if I didn't, I would literally develop trichotillomania and pluck myself bald. Gray hairs are disgusting assholes and I hate them.

My future.

-The other night I had an Old Fashioned and a Peach Iced Tea Martini... and the next morning I woke up with a hangover. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?!? When I lived in London, I used to get TANKED on Vodka/ Redbulls. Sure I'd wake up with a hangover, but that would be after like 6 drinks. -You know, when it was totally warranted. Now, I have to match my cocktail/ water ratio, pig the fuck out to soak it up, and take an Ibuprofin before I go to bed just to make sure I can function the next day. Ugh. It's embarrassing, really.

My future.

-My friend Dar (who's a dentist) once told me that a person's saliva changes as they get older. Mostly starting when they turn 30. Apparently, your spit gets thicker, you get more dry-mouth and consequently, you get more build-up. When he told me that, I thought he was full of shit. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure he was right. And you know how I know? Because my teeth feel fuzzy by the end of the day. And I'm blaming that shit on my old-person spit and it's lack of cleaning abilities.

My future.

-I hear motorcycles or cars with loud exhausts rev their engines as they drive down the street and I literally want to shit in my hand and throw it out my window at them.

My future.

I hope I didn't bum any of you about-to-be-30'ers out, but it's about time we face the facts here. Getting old sucks.

Extraordinary Desserts.

2011-08-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

If you're anywhere in the greater San Diego area, and you have a sweet tooth, it is worth your while to find Extraordinary Desserts.

Earlier this month, I was in San Diego and my friend Michael (who knows I like to eat) took me to this place. He has a friend who works there, so he has an "in" when it comes to fancy feasts.

Since we were just stopping in for a mid-morning snack, we decided to share a pot of tea and a dessert. Michael advised we get the Birthday Cake tea ("Reminiscent of a warm out-of-the-oven cookie with strong caramel and vanilla notes. Delicious with milk."). We ordered it as a milk-tea served over ice and added simple syrup for sweetening. Now, before we ordered I was skeptical of Michael's advise because 1) he usually makes bad decisions, and 2) I don't like vanilla, cake-like flavors. But! I loved it! It was light, but creamy, sweet and a little floral and it was perfect for my mid-morning snack.

There were PLENTY of gorgeous looking desserts to choose from, all sitting behind the protective glass so I couldn't maul them. Seriously, if you like beautiful, decadent desserts, this is your place.

We ended up going with the Lemon-Blueberry Streudel. Unfortunately, it's not listed on their online menu, so I can't tell you exactly what's in it. But I can tell you it's MOTHERFUCKINGDELICIOUS and I may or may not have eaten a greater portion than just my half.
Worth noting: This crazy-good dessert was only $8.50 and enough for two people to share.

The streudel is served up with a drizzled design of fruit syrup on one side and a fluffy dollop of freshly whipped cream on the other. They also decorate each dessert before it's brought out to the table, adding flowers, designs, and even edible gold leaf.

Extraordinary Desserts also has a breakfast and appetizer menu, but I didn't try either since I was busy inhaling my dessert. But if it's anything like the quality of the strudel I had, this place is a MUST for anyone in the San Diego area.

Extraordinary Desserts has two San Diego locations: (Little Italy) 1430 Union Street, and (Balboa Park) 2929 Fifth Avenue.

The Red Door Restaurant and Wine Bar.

2011-08-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

On my last visit to San Diego, Morgan arranged a dinner for a group of BlogHer attendees. Somehow, I lucked out and made it into the group.

We took a couple of cabs from the downtown Marriot and about ten minutes later we arrived at The Red Door Restaurant and Wine Bar. When the first half of our 11-person reservation arrived, the waitstaff was a little confused. When the second half of our reservation arrived, the waitstaff was a little frantic. From what I could tell, it seemed like maybe someone forgot to make a note in the RSVP book about our group.

Fortunately, the manager came straight out and got to work. She apologized to every one of us and offered us complimentary drinks. Thankfully, the wait wasn't very long and we ended up getting the whole bar-room area to ourselves.

The exterior, and even interior, of Red Door looks like a house. It's broken up into three separate rooms- the first is the bar/ dining and the other two are just dining. The overall decor is very cozy, lots of natural lighting, and has a feel like you're sitting in someone's living room. It's on the small side- I would say maybe 10 or 12 tables max. This would be a great place for a quaint, intimate meal and also possibly if you're looking for a small venue to rent out for a cocktail party (or something like that).

Because our reservation was a prearranged event to showcase Red Door's new happy hour menu, our food consisted of appetizers and cocktails. -Which totally worked for me.

Appetizer #1: Red Door Sliders

"char grilled meyer natural ground beef on ciabatta buns, american cheese
lettuce, tomato, carmelized onions, house burger sauce with shoestring fries - $8"

This burger was good, but I think it may have been too toasty for me. Most of the buns were blackened and I'm not really a fan of char-grilled flavor, in general. Keep in mind, this all comes down to personal taste. I'm sure this burger would be perfect for many people, but I don't think I'm really a "fancy burger" kind of person.

Appetizer #2: Steak Skewers

teriyaki glazed charolais ny steak - $5

Again, these weren't really my thing. They seemed a little... overcooked, in my opinion. The teriyaki glaze was flavorful and sweet, but I just wasn't a big fan of how the steak was cooked. Too tough and chewy.

Appetizer #3: BBQ Pulled Pork Quesadilla

"mozzarella, parmesean and romano cheeses housemade bbq sauce
and onion straws - $5"

Now this.... THIS is where the money's at. These quesadillas were by far my favorite item that night, and to this day I cannot stop thinking about them. The craziest part is, I don't really eat pork very often (unless you count my bacon addiction) and I can't believe I almost passed on this appetizer all together.

The cheese combination creates this great, salty-yet-mellow flavor. The pulled pork is moist and not overpowering. They use corn tortillas, which is less commonly seen than its cousin, the flour tortilla. -But definitely much better, in this case. And it's fried perfectly so the edges are crisp, while the center still has a bready texture. Finally, the bbq sauce is sweet and tangy- a great topper for this delicious plate. I would strongly recommend ordering the BBQ Pulled Pork Quesadilla if you try this place out.

Appetizer #4: Shrimp Creole

"mexican white shrimp sautéed with onion, celery, green bell pepper, garlic.
cajun spices, white wine & cream served over crispy polenta - $8"

I don't have too much to say about these guys because I'm pretty weak when it comes to spicy food. I only had one bite, just to get a feel for what I was missing out on. Based on my one taste, I can tell you the shrimp was perfectly cooked, not gummy at all. The shrimp itself tasted great... but those creole spices were a bit too spicy for my fragile palate. But for people who like spicy food, I would recommend these.

The Red Door Restaurant and Wine Bar is located at 741 West Washington St., San Diego.

The Latest with Me.

2011-08-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been phoning in my recent blog entries. Which is unfortunate because I'm always getting ideas for topics throughout the day or taking pictures of things I want to share. But when it comes down to getting it out on paper (see: keyboard), I just haven't been able to do it.

So, I'm going to try to update you on what I've been up to lately. In bullet-point format, of course.

-After BlogHer, I came back with millions of tidbits I wanted to share. I met some VERY cool people, experienced a summer-camp-like whirlwind vacation, and had somewhere near 100 pix to prove it. By the time I was able to get my thoughts in order, enough time had gone by for everyone to say "BlogHer...? That's so six months ago." I kind of dropped the ball on that one. But don't be surprised if more random pix (and videos) show up in a future post. BTW - for anyone who went to BlogHer, I posted pictures (and have more to add shortly) on my Facebook TILTE page. If I took a pic of you, it's probably there.

-I got laid-off. (Everyone give a collective "Awww..." and share some words of encouragement that will lift my spirits. -Like giving me totally exaggerated compliments or telling me Red Robin is having two-for-the-price-of-one lunch entrees.) It wasn't really a surprise since basically 90% of the company had already been let go. But it was still stressful time, mentally and financially. I didn't want to tell you right away because I was still high off BlogHer. Then my days were crazy busy hunting for jobs, filling out stupidass, pointless online applications, and meeting with employment recruiters. I was actually working harder as an unemployed person than I had been as an employed person.

-And the whole "unemployment" thing kind of cramped my style in the "food blogger" department. With a tight budget, there was no room for fine dining or trying out new recipes. My meal options mostly consisted of pasta, Uncrustables, and ham/ cheese sandwiches. -Which is not horrible if you ask me (because I like to eat that kind of shit), but they're not exactly notable delicacies.

Other little random things that have been going on lately...

-Boyfriend's daughter Pearl spent some extra time with us these past few weeks AND she just started kindergarten this past Tuesday.

-My family is planning my grandma's surprise 90th birthday party, which isn't actually until next April, but my mom is pretty excited about it and wants to get the ball rolling. (Also, I'm not sure if the "surprise" part of that title refers to the fact that it's a "surprise party" or the fact that my grandma is probably going to be surprised that it's her birthday.)

-Biscuit got into a naughty funk and kept getting into the trash every time we left the house. One day there were even day-old stinky, rotting chicken guts all up and down the hallway. Boy, that was fun and appetizing to clean up. Fortunately though, we were able to find a Biscuit-proof trash can. No more chicken guts problems.

-Lastly, I was lucky enough to get some short term employment through my friends, Rob and Bao. So far it's been a dream job. The team is all work AND all play, which are my two favorite things. (Just kidding. My two favorite things are frozen yogurt and cupcakes.) I will bring my extensive blogging knowledge to the table as the one-and-only Copywriter. I KNOW! I'm totally big time now, guys. Anyway, hopefully this shit pans out and I get acknowledged as a permanent full-time employee.

-But this Copywriting gig pretty much means I'm using up all my writing juice during the day. And when I get home to blog, it just turns into a bunch of useless drivel. So don't expect anything earth shattering over the next few weeks.

So that's it for my updates. I'm sorry I haven't been able to comment on all of your blog entries. I'll make it up sooner or later.

Is there anything important I've missed since I've been MIA?? Do tell.

xo,
TILTE

Double Trouble at Sprocket Ink.

2011-08-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

Hello friends!

Today I posted TWO articles at Sprocket Ink. Make sure to check them out. (And comment/ Like/ Tweet/ Stumble as you see appropriate. Thanks!!)

Paula Deen vs. Anthony Bourdain: Who's team are you on??
No really... who's side are you on...?

A Review of (locally made) Indie Film: Bellflower
A must-see film.

Santa Barbara.

2011-08-21T18:40:00.001-07:00

The weather was beautiful this weekend, so Boyfriend and I decided to go up to Santa Barbara for the day on Saturday.

This post is going to be picture heavy because it's basically a visual recap of our day in SB.

Starting the day off on a walk at the beach.

One of three weddings we saw getting set-up. I tweeted this pic saying I was at the Kardashian wedding. FYI: Nobody believed me.

Sunny, perfect weather. Lots of palm trees.

A path down to the water.

Lots of families riding rental bikes. Probably tourists.

I'm pretty sure I caught Biscuit mid-shake with this pic. Usually her face isn't this crazy looking.

My favorite shot of the day.

After the beach, we headed down to State St. For those of you who have never been to Santa Barbara, a walk down State St. is kind of like LA. -Minus the plastic surgery and nannies. -And with more granola-crunchers, rich white people, and spoiled college kids. I know what you're thinking. And yes, I fit right in.

I like the details around this hotel doorway.

Theatre marquee.

This was right after we saw David Spade and he pointed at Biscuit saying "Hey, look at that dog". Thankfully, Biscuit wasn't doing anything embarrassing at the time, like mauling small kittens, so I took it as a compliment.

We decided to stop for drinks and appetizers at Holdren's. By the way, if you're ever in Santa Barbara and you're looking for great food (on a fancier budget), GO TO HOLDREN'S. Hands down, the best steak I've ever had.

All orders come with complimentary bread. I'm not sure what the white bread was, but my guess would be a light sourdough. And the dark bread, I think, was a honey wheat. But the real magic comes in the dipping sauces. You get the standard butter, but then you also get this cracked out version of olive oil that makes you want to chug it by the gallon. Word on the street is, it's a special combination of cayenne pepper, garlic, and red wine that they add to it. It was so good, I was *this* close to throwing it back like a shot of Vodka.

Boyfriend ordered a Cucumber Martini, which uses Hendricks Gin (his favorite). I ordered a Blood-Orange Margarita, which comes with a salt/ sugar combo on the rim (a very nice touch). I can't vouch for the martini, but the margarita was very fruity and refreshing. A perfect drink for day out in the sun.

We ordered the Spicy Spinach and Artichoke Dip, which was served with homemade pita chips. This dip is very chunky and hearty. If you like big bites of artichoke, this is the one for you. Also, it doesn't seem very spicy in the first few bites, but trust me, the spice is there. I went at it like I was trying to win 1st place in an eating competition, only to come to a screeching halt when my mouth felt like burning hot lava.

We also ordered the Crab Cakes. I've only tried crab cakes once before, so I'm not exactly a crab cake connoisseur. But I can tell you that these cakes were fried and crisp on the outside, it broke apart easily with my fork, and the inside was moist, with the flavors of the ingredients all blended together perfectly. So I'd say they were pretty great. Also, the cakes were served on a bed of rice pilaf and came with a light and tangy sauce on the side.

Worth Nothing: Both times I've been to Holdren's, I had the same server. His name is Trevor and he is fantastic. If you end up going here, make sure to request his section. He is very happy and helpful, two great qualities that you want in a server.

One more important piece of info... I just learned this weekend that Santa Barbara has passed some kind of city code making all restaurants with outdoor seating "Dog-friendly". Crazy, right? I know, I'm really excited about this. Biscuit especially loved this when it came time to sniffing the edge of our plates and trying to sneak a stray bite.

Me and Boyfriend!

Until next time, Santa Barbara...

Boner'ppetite!

My Acting Credits.

2011-08-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to share on the food front.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about my short-lived career in the show biz industry.

When I was in high school, I got really into the whole acting thing. And by "really into the whole acting thing", I mean I had mega crushes on famous dudes and was sure that acting was my ticket to stardom. Even though my family was dirt poor, my mom managed to save up enough scrilla to get me in acting classes. I started off with a weekly children's acting class taught by a former "stage dad". I don't know how much I really "learned" in that class, but I know it made me feel less like an awkward, self conscious weirdo. Also, I do remember one nugget of wisdom he taught us: "Scenes with no dialogue are much harder than scenes with dialogue. Work on conveying emotion without using words."

Soon after that class ended, I signed up for another class with one of those "We'll Make Your Kid a Star!" agencies. You know the ones. They usually advertise in the local paper and set up shop in an executive suite. And they have a line out the door of ugly brats whose parents swear they're the next Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Yep, that's where I went. But to clear my name (if possible), I wasn't going because I thought I was hot shit. I was going to take acting courses.

So, I took a few classes there at the knock-off agency. We practiced improv and working in front of the camera. I don't remember anything remarkable from this place and now I'm beginning to question their true intentions...

Anyway, when I was around 18, I got my first paid acting job. I wasn't the starring role or anything. But I was just as important. Because everyone knows Extras totally make the scene. The job was a TV show pilot that was to air on the WB channel. I was instructed to be at Warner Ranch by 7:30am and bring "party" clothes.

I arrived on time. Which was a fucking miracle because it's nearly impossible for me to be anywhere on time, much less somewhere that involves LA rush hour traffic. I spent the day with a herd of about 100 other kids hanging out on the WB lot. It was boring as hell because apparently actors mess up their lines a lot. And if there's one little tiny thing that's off with the set/ film/ cast, they cut that shit and start all over.

Things got really unfortunate when it started to rain. They moved our herd into one of the empty houses on the neighborhood lot (it was actually the house from Lethal Weapon). But that wasn't really any better because these houses are set houses, you see. And they don't have furniture or heating or walls or fucking ANYTHING inside them. We were like well-dressed squatters.

So the main scene I was in was at a house party. I was with a group of people in the backyard and we were supposed to silently mime and silently laugh and silently drink non-existent booze like we were really at a party. In reality, it was just awkward and totally unnatural. The day finally ended around 7pm and I was stoked because as a non-union extra you make a set amount of money for the first 8 hours of work, and then anything over that is overtime. My favorite part about this job? Craft Services.

By the way- that show? Got pulled before it even aired.

My next job was through my friend Jessy, who's stepdad was a fairly popular make-up artist in the industry. It was on a Showtime series called Resurrection Blvd. It was a mostly Latino cast and the show was about Latinos living in LA. Jessy and I were in a few scenes- the day time one was at a park. Nothing exciting. But the night time one was set in a dance club and we were told to wear "sexy club" clothing. I wore a tight, red, leopard print cocktail dress (because I'm ghetto and tacky like that). And seeing as how this was a "sexy club" environment, I even busted out the big guns: My clip-on fall. Because apparently nothing says "Latina" like a leopard print dress and big hair. (What. It was the 90's, okay.)

This job was even more difficult and awkward than the last because in the "club" we were instructed to "dance to music". Only there was no music. Because then the mic's wouldn't be able to pick up the actor's voices. So me and my clip-on fall and some random dude pretended to salsa dance. Without making a sound. And without music.

There wasn't too much I learned from this job other than not to date Production Assistants. Especially if they're ten years older. Because it's just creepy.

After that job, I pretty much hung up my acting boots and decided to retire. I figured I wasn't cut out for something that takes that much effort and patience. I was never going to make it to mega-stardom, or be in a music video.

Or was I...?

Flash forward to last year. My friend Danielle and I went to a bowling/ karaoke get-together thrown by her friends Ming and Ping.

It was officially the first time I'd met them, but Danielle had shown me their website and some YouTube videos. This was basically a recipe for me to get super nervous and make an asshole out of myself.

Which obviously happened.

But the great thing about it was, everyone was pretty drunk and having a great time and nobody made any comments about me acting like a leper with Tourettes. And to top it all off, Ming and Ping used film footage from that night's events for their next music video, Bridge and Tunnel Music.

And guess who made it into the video!

I DID, THAT'S MUTHAFUCKIN WHO!

So, it looks like my big dreams came true afterall. It's probably because of all those acting classes I took. Or maybe it's just my natural talent.

Also, did you watch the Ming and Ping video? Were you able to spot me??? I have a few quick appearances, as do my dancing feet. FYI: Most of the people in the video are Asian. So what I'm trying to say is, it's basically like playing my own personal version of Where's Waldo.

So that's the story of how I got über famous.

Green Beans with Bacon.

2011-08-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you all will agree with me when I say that pretty much everything tastes better with bacon. Which is why Boyfriend decided to try out this recipe for green beans with bacon. Only he kind of made it his own by omitting half of the ingredients. We work with what we have, okay.

Our Version of Green Beans with Smoked Bacon

INGREDIENTS:
-Green beans
-Bacon, cut into half inch pieces
-Olive oil
-Salt

DIRECTIONS:
If you've never made green beans before, let me tell you, they're pretty foolproof. Just rinse, snip the ends off, and boil in heavily salted water (with a little olive oil for taste) until tender- approx 3 minutes. Transfer beans to a bowl of ice water to "shock" the hell out of 'em and prevent them from getting mushy. Drain and set aside. Fry up your bacon until it's just about to your liking, but not quite. Drain the grease. Add green beans to the bacon and saute until everything is cooked the way you want it.

I'm sure this recipe will work just as well if you substitute turkey bacon, or even tofu bacon.

And by "I'm sure", I really mean I have no idea because I've never tried it.

Do you have any green beans recipes you'd like to share?

Boner'ppetite!

BlogHer Part II

2011-08-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, BlogHer was this past weekend and I was lucky enough to experience it. If you don't know what BlogHer is (and clearly didn't see my last vlog post), it's a big convention for women bloggers. This year it was held in San Diego and over 3,600 bloggers attended.

Since there's TONS of material to cover, I'm going to *try* to make this as cohesive as possible. However, I'm totally aware that this post may just end up being an endless pit of pointless rambling. Thankfully, I have low standards and that's pretty much how all my posts end up anyway.

OVERALL SCHEDULE

I arrived in San Diego on Thursday night and had dinner with Erin and Christina. This was our first time meeting IRL, and everything went totally smoothly like we'd known each other all along. After dinner, we headed back to the hotel to check out the The People's Party and Queerosphere. I had high hopes for both because The Bloggess was supposed to be at The People's Party and Queerosphere was a disco-themed gayfest, two things I love, natch. Unfortunately, neither party was very exciting. Maybe it was because it was just the first night and technically the "conference" hadn't really started yet. Regardless, I think I would probably skip the first night's parties next time.

If you remember from my vlog, I was going to stay at Morgan's house. Plans changed at the last minute when I received a text from Mandy offering the extra bed in her hotel room. So that's what I did.

Anyway, Friday was filled with convention stuff and I felt like I was on the go nonstop. Breakfast was served from 8-9am. First session started at 9:30, the last session started at 4:45, and there was a 1.5 hr lunch break in the middle. After 15 minutes of sitting through my 1:15 session, I didn't feel like I was getting much out of it, so I went back to the room to rest. I headed back down to the convention center for my 2:45 session because you better believe I wanted to learn the move to the Single Ladies dance (a class on losing your inhibition). That night, Erin and Christina and I went to the Sparklecorn party, an event that nearly everyone was at. We danced and snacked and I called it a night when my feet had turned into burning hot lavaballs.

Saturday was my "free day" because I only purchased a one-day ticket for the conference. I grabbed some free breakfast at the convention center, made my rounds to grab free shit in the expo hall, and then spent the day with my friend Michael who lives in the area. That night, a group of us had dinner at The Red Door thanks to Morgan's networking talents.

After dinner, we went to the Aiming Low party, which was supposed to be a relaxed, low-key getaway from the rest of the BlogHer parties. Unfortunately, there was too much going on for it to be "relaxed", but not enough for it to be a real "party". It wasn't really my thing, so I went back to my room. After reading some tweets about how great the Cheeseburgher party was I decided to check it out. Pretty much everyone was there and the dance floor was packed. This party was sponsored by McDonalds and they had hot cheeseburgers and fries on hand all night long. :::WINNING:::

PROS

-Great speakers who made you feel like they were casually talking to you one-on-one.

-Plenty of blogging topics to choose from at each session.

-Tons of swag.

-Breakfast, lunch, midday snacks, and party admission included in the price of ticket.

-Food options offered Vegan and Gluten-free.

-Opportunity to meet people whose blogs you follow and/ or who follow you.

-Opportunity to meet completely new bloggers who you may have never heard of before.

-Reliving the "sleepaway camp" feeling (unless that feeling was awful, in which case, it was nothing like that).

CONS

-Seemed like the "speed dating" thing was poorly organized. (It was supposed to be a quick introduction between two bloggers, switch business cards, and then move down the line. In reality, our line never moved.)

-Not enough down-time planned into the day. The conference was non-stop, but I had to make my way back to the hotel to rest twice because it was exhausting. My first "nap" only lasted a few minutes though because I felt bad for wasting my precious BlogHer time.

-Breakfast at 8am? Next time, let's move it back an hour.

Knowing what I know about BlogHer, would I do it again? Yes, definitely. Would I go to next year's BlogHer? No, because it's in New York and that's a bit too far (see: pricey) for me.

Favorite part about BlogHer: A certain blogger I met told me I'm just like I seem based on my blog. This was really great to hear because I always wonder what people think I'm like. So basically, if you think I'm annoying on my blog, chances are you will think I'm annoying in real life.

PHOTO HIGHLIGHTS

The main registration area.

Breakfast...

Breakfast.

Midday snacks.

"Speed Dating", the first event at BlogHer.

Favorite speaker Ananda Leeke, during the Wellness session

Practicing stretches and breathing exercises.

Learning the moves to the Single Ladies video thanks to Jenny Eckton.

Blogger dinner at The Red Door: Mandy, Morgan, Jules, Lexa, Kristine, Carrie, Stacy, San Diego Momma, and two others whom I didn't get to meet (we were at different tables).

MegaSwag thanks to all the generous sponsors at BlogHer.

My business card thanks to the wonderful design talents of Mr. Boyfriend.

So that's it for the second installment of BlogHer11. I think I'll probably give it a few days and then post some pix of what people wore. And maybe even a video of the Single Ladies dance.

Stay tuned.

Boner'ppetite!

BlogHer.

2011-08-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a little video I just whipped up. It's about BlogHer.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

(Since I can't preview the video before posting, I'm not sure if it's going to be all glitchy and possessed looking. If so, I'm blaming it on Blogger.)

Also- Are you going to BlogHer???

For more BlogHer intro videos, visit the blogs below.

Musings of a Madwoman

The Sweetest

Velveeta Cheesy Skillets.

2011-08-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

The other day we were at the grocery store and something caught my eye: Velveeta Cheesy Skillets. I'd never tried one of these before, but the image on the cover sold me. Plus, they were on sale for like $5 at Vons.

This dinner kit includes: Pasta, Velveeta cheese sauce, salsa mix, and spices. All you need to add is water and 1lb. of ground beef. And if you want to make it fancy, just top with crunched up tortilla chips.

So we followed the directions. And added tortilla chips because we were feeling especially chefy.

And guess what.

IT WAS GOOD!

Not the best picture I've ever taken, but you get the idea.

It's kind of like the best combination of enchilada casserole/ lasagna/ nachos. It was cheesy and gooey and crunchy. And when we reheated the leftovers for lunch the next day, it was just as good as it was the first time around. But trust me when I say ADD THE TORTILLA CHIPS. I was doubtful that they would make any difference, but it ended up that I wanted some chips in every bite.

The spices are very mild, so if you like your Mexican food espicy, I would season the ground beef a little before adding it to the rest of the meal. Or maybe top with hot sauce. I don't know, I'm not a spicy person. To my mouth, it was pretty fucking tasty for a boxed meal, not to mention super easy to make. I will definitely be keeping this on my shopping list.

And if you're looking for a new drink to add to your summer bar menu, check out this week's post at Sprocket Ink.

Boner'ppetit!

It's a Nice Day for a... White Wedding.

2011-07-28T08:17:00.001-07:00

Two weekends ago, Boyfriend and I headed up the coast to San Luis Obispo for Katie, my old college roommate's wedding.

The beautiful bride making her entrance. She was escorted by her cousin.

Her super cute dress was from a vintage store in Hollywood.

The ceremony was very short, but very sweet. Katie's dad was the officiant. He told sentimental stories about what it means to be a husband/ wife and he told funny stories about when Katie and Adam first started dating. Right around the time when my eyes started to well up, they both slipped their rings on, said "I Do!" and it was over. Which I was thankful for because I didn't want my makeup turning into a Marilyn Manson mask.

Hors d'ouevres. They had my favorite cocktail hour snacks- cheese, fruit, pita, and hummus.

The wedding was held at Tiber Canyon Ranch- a beautiful woodsy venue where they make blown glass and olive oil. During cocktail hour, they also had cubed bread and several varieties of flavored olive oil for dipping.

With roomies, Courtney and Liana. "Durrrrrrrr."

"Just one more picture!"

"JUST ONE MORE PICTURE!!!"

Roommate reunion!! It's just like I'm in college again!! ...Except with less highlights and more muffintop. (L-R: TILTE, Katie, Liana, Courtney)

Gah- I love these photos! Boyfriend is so handsome.

The couple decided to go with a cupcake display instead of a traditional wedding cake. There was no "cutting of the cake". Instead guests were welcomed to pick the cupcakes of their choice any time after dinner was served.

A chandelier hanging over the cupcakes.

The barn where the ranch owners live. The inside is where the buffet was set up. The outside is where the dancing took place.

My plate. Bread w/ butter, seafood paella, green salad, tabbouleh salad, and grilled veggies. Did I mention it was a buffet...? Mm-hmmm.

The happy couple during their toast. The groom's sister told a funny story about when she used to work as Katie's supervisor. She always knew Katie would make the perfect partner for her brother and she kept bugging him to give her a call.

The first dance as Mr. and Mrs. White.

A handsome onlooker.

Cool lighting.

Eating a cupcake the "right way" according to Chelle.

And lastly, our drive back home.

Everything about this wedding was beautiful- from the location, to the food, to the couple. Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. White- hope you're enjoying your honeymoon!

Top Picks for Ice Cream

2011-07-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one today-

Make sure to stop by Sprocket Ink today and check out my post! -Especially if you like ice cream desserts!! And who doesn't?? Answer: No one.

GO NOW!

Sausage Pasta.

2011-07-22T15:53:00.001-07:00

Do you want a filling and fucking delicious meal tonight that's super easy to make? Do you want there to be enough leftovers to cure your hangover status tomorrow morning?

TRY MY SAUSAGE PASTA!*

Ingredients

-Egg noodles

-Johnsonville Mild Italian Sausage

-Bell Pepper

-Butter

-FRESHLY GRATED Parmesan cheese (Don't even THINK about using that dusty canned shit)

-Salt/ pepper to taste

Directions

Slice bell peppers into thin strips.

Saute sausages until cooked. Add bell peppers to the pan at the end.

(Um. These aren't done yet.)

Boil noodles according to package.

When noodles are done, throw in some butter so that ish doesn't stick together. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add sausage and bell pepper to pasta. Top with a SHITLOAD of Parmesan. Eat the shit out of it.

Boner'ppetite!

*Unless you're a vegetarian.

Welcome to Jungle. AKA My Kitchen.

2011-07-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

Since everyone* has been begging to see what's in my kitchen, I finally decided to cave to the masses and share my dietary secrets.

Behold... The stuff we eat.

This is my fridge on any given day. As you can see, we like cocktails and yogurt products. You can't see it, but I actually do have a couple of vegetables in the bins. Broccoli and a bell pepper, to be exact. I'll admit this pic kinda does look sad, but I seriously just went to the grocery store this morning. It must be because I'm such a light eater.

All the important condiments. Like butter. And whipped cream.

This is where I keep my more treasured items, like Uncrustables, fish sticks and vodka.

The pantry. Notable ingredients include pasta, Rice-a-Roni, and yellow Crystal Light. Hey, it's good to have on hand. You never know when a colonoscopy might sneak up on you.

And the piece du resistance, the place where all the magic happens- The Snack Cupboard. This is a favorite stop mainly due to the Sour Cream and Onion Pringles (MY FAVORITE- Are you listening Pringles company???), Handi-Snacks, and Pistachios.

What's in your kitchen?? Post and let's link up!

*no one

K.I.T. Stay Cool!

2011-07-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

Today is a SUPERPOST day because I have posts up at three sites. That's right. I said three.

Basically, I'm counting my own blog as one of those sites. So what.

Honor-of-all-honors, I'm being featured at Meeting Boy's site. Some of you may remember the bathroom etiquette I posted a while back. Whether you do or you don't, stop by Meeting Boy's page. And you might as well give it a "Like" while you're there.

And last but not least, check out today's post at Sprocket Ink where I give you some creative ideas on how to stay cool. And who doesn't want to be cool, amirite?

STAY COOL! (<- click there.)

And because this is such a momentous occasion, Kitty Royalty has come for a visit.

Shit I Hate: House Hunters Edition.

2011-07-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

Do you watch House Hunters or Property Virgins or My First Home or any of those other addicting HGTV shows?

I do.

And even though there is GUARANTEED to be at least one person per episode who makes my blood boil like molten hot lava, I STILL watch it. Like a moth to a flame.

The following is a list of stupid shit I hear people say alllllll the time that really makes me want to roll around on the floor like I'm on fire.

"The pricepoint we're looking at is $XXX,XXX." - Why OH WHY can't they just say "PRICE"?? Why is it now "pricepoint"whenever you're talking about how much money you're willing to spend on a house? DUMB. Just say price.

"I just love the open floor concept." - This is suuuuuch a trendy thing to say. We get it, you want one big house with no walls. So does every other moron out there.

"Hm... I was really hoping for granite counter tops/ stainless steel appliances...." You-Can-Install-That-Shit-Laterrrrrrr. Dummy.

(Said by woman/ girlfriend/ female companion in reference to the walk-in closet) "Well, there's enough room for MYYYY stuff." Ladies- making jokes about hogging all the closet space wasn't funny the first 85 times I heard it, and it's still not funny when you say it.

(Said by shopper who currently lives a tiny-ass studio apartment, OR better yet, his/ her parent's home) "Ugh. This bedroom/ extra room/ workout room/ office is WAY to small." Bitch, please. You're coming from a 10x10 ft room and you're complaining that this 1500 sq ft house is too small??? Just stop already.

"I need a house with a MAN CAVE." Always said by some yolked-out, no-neck-having, Geico caveman lookalike.

"I need a house with a MEDIA CENTER ROOM." Usually said by Man Cave dude, but can pretty much apply to any male. Also, this is another one of those trendy things to have right now. When I was growing up, we didn't have "Media Center Rooms" with theater seating and stupid reels of film affixed to the walls. We had a "Den" that had a couch, a beanbag, a 20in TV, and the walls were covered with embarrassing school photos. Media Center Rooms are for pansies.

"Ohhhh, little Bella/ Ashton/ Fido will absolutely LOVE this house!" Your dog and your embryo don't care what the house looks like. They probably won't even notice they moved. Quit acting like your kids/ pets are super geniuses, it makes you look dumb.

"I don't know. The wall color (chandelier/ curtains/ drawer knobs) are ugly." If these people can't even figure out how to visit the local Home Depot, how the hell are they supposed to be trusted with a giant piece of property??

You know what else I hate? That all the carpenters have this stupid hairstyle.

They look filthy and greasy. GET A HAIR CUT.

And lastly, I love it when a house hunter is offering way below their max and they have the nerve to quibble over a negligible amount like $1-5k. When you've already found the house of your dreeeeeams and you're already ready to put down a whopping $50k on it, what does another $1-5k matter. Answer: IT DOESN'T.

Alright. That's the end of my rant.

Anyone else bothered by stupid shit they see on house hunting shows??

Las Vegas.

2011-07-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

Boyfriend and I went to Vegas last week for a MUCH needed vacation. It was seriously the best Vegas vacation I've ever had and I'll tell you why: No gambling, no partying. Don't get me wrong, I can do both of those and enjoy myself, but the point of this trip was to enjoy the amenities and come back home rested and relaxed. And that's just what we did.

Since I have a shit ton of photos to share, I'm just going to lay out here like this: Start to finish, what you would have experienced on a Vegas vacay with TILTE.

The drive from my house to Las Vegas is about 5 hours. Most of it is through the desert and this is pretty much all you see once you get through greater LA.

First stop- lunch on the go from Tommy's.

The hotel where we stayed.

Just kidding. This is an abandoned motel in the middle of nowhere. AKA Baker, CA.

The World's Largest Thermometer (I cannot verify the validity of this statement).

WE'RE FINALLY HERE!!!

WE'RE IN OUR HOTEL ROOM!!!

First thing we did was head straight down to the pool. If you've stayed at The Mandalay Hotel before, you know HOW FUCKING AWWWWESOME AND INCREDIBLE AND FUN AND RAD this pool is. If you haven't, it's kind of like a giant, deep rectangle and at the far end is a machine that makes a wave every couple of minutes. Not only is this pool sweet relief for burning hot third-degree-from-the-sun burns, it's also fun because you get swept away just like you're drowning in the real life ocean.

Boyfriend. (LOVE this shot.)

$8 beer. And it's not even the good kind. That's how Vegas rolls.

My audition reel for Dexter.

After scorching it up in the desert sun, we headed in for a nap. The nap ended up turning into a half-sleep and we woke up just after 9pm. Oh well, we're in Vegas. It's the city that never sleeps and we can still go anywhere for dinner! WRONG. Apparently the city DOES sleep and bedtime is 10pm. It's nearly impossible to find a restaurant with a full menu open late at night. STUPID. We lucked out and found an Irish Pub called Rí Rá in the walkway between Mandalay and Luxor.

My Stella Artois.

Boyfriend's Guinness. (Fun fact: This was the first time I've ever tried Guinness. Meh... I'm not a huge fan.)

My corned beef and cabbage. I love me some corned beef and cabbage... but this place was actually a letdown. The mashed potato and cabbage was good, but the corned beef was too dry. Take note, Ri Ra.

The chandeliers inside Ri Ra. (I wish I could take the credit for thinking up the brilliant idea of snapping chandeliers, but I got it from drollgirl. Genius.)

The next morning was breakfast-buffet-till-you-bust at our hotel.

Serving #1- The Greasies.

Serving #2: The Healthies.

Serving #3: The Cream of Wheat with butter and granola.

Yep. Three servings. (I actually took a photo of my hot bod when I was laying out at the pool, but I won't be posting that little gem because I look like pregnant-bloated-corpse-belly. Which is unfortunate because I am neither pregnant, nor am I a corpse.)

After breakfast we headed back down to the pool. After we clowned around in the hallway, that is.

Heads up- the drinks at the Mandalay pool bar are strong. I blame my intoxication on the bartender. That, and the roasting hot sun burning the sense out of me.

Poolside weinies.

After we'd made a hundred rounds in both the wave pool AND the lazy river, we headed to the room for a nap. (I'm a napper, okay.) That night, we took a stroll over to The MGM hotel and had dinner at a great Italian restaurant called Fiamma.

Chandelier inside Mandalay.

Chandelier inside Fiamma.

Boyfriend ordered the Gnocchi (potato dumplings) with lobster, mushroom, and truffles. I wasn't a huge fan of the gnocchi, which is surprising because I love both potato and pasta. -But the mushrooms, lobster, and sauce were FUCKING DELICIOUS.

I went safe with the meat lasagna.

Some shots on the walkways between MGM, Excalibur, Luxor and Mandalay.

"Ugh, I'm done taking pictures."

"JUST KIDDING! Take some more!!!!"

On our last morning in Vegas, we had breakfast at Hash House A Go-Go in the Imperial Palace. Two of boyfriend's coworkers recommended this place based on the Chicken and Waffles plate.

Chandelier inside Imperial Palace.

Boyfriend started out his meal with a Tallboy-in-a-Bag.

He went with the recommended Chicken and Waffles specialty.

I ordered the avocado/ onion/ bacon/ cheddar scramble with a side of potatoes, fruit, and biscuit. Everything was really good and VERY filling.

While we were in Vegas, my friend Vanessa tweeted that we should go to Freed's Bakery because it's only THEEE most well-known bakery in Vegas AND does the most wedding cakes in all the land. Well, that little "stop on our way out" turned into a 30 minute detour that took us all around greater Las Vegas because Freed's stupid website listed their OLD address. We ended up finding the place and I was super excited to order some cakes TO-GO since we'd just filled up on breakfast. Unfortunately, the woman behind the counter said their cakes wouldn't last a drive to LA unless they were in a cooler. Well, we had no cooler. And I was not about to let this bakery beat me. So we ordered a couple of non-perishable sweets and ONE cupcake that Boyfriend and I planned to split sometime during the drive home.

"Fuck you, cupcake."

As soon as we got back in the car, it started to rain. But desert rain isn't normal rain because it can go from 100 degrees and sunny to torrential downpour in a matter of seconds. I said a Hail Mary because I was sure we were going to get flooded away. We didn't.

Although the vacation was soooo nice, it was comforting to be back home. At least for a short time anyway. I'll be probably be dying for another vacation by the end of the month.

Hope you got to live vicariously through me on this wonderful trip to sin city!

Oh yeah- and after all that searching for Freed's Bakery, the cupcake lasted the drive home. Only I have no idea what it tastes like because I let my mom have it. Oh well. But I CAN say that the Cinnamon Crispy was mouth-watering, very inexpensive, and left me wanting more. Next time, Freed's.

Out Of Office.

2011-07-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, or on Facebook, you might not know that I just spent the past few days in Las Vegas. It was only THE BEST VACATION EVERRRRR and I'm still totally in zombie-death-comatose mode. I have tons of photos to post... But I'm in the process of adjusting to the shock of "normal" life (wtf is that about??) out to do it right now. I'll have mega pix and a play-by-play for you next week, friends. Hope you're all doing well!

Happy 4th.

2011-07-01T13:51:00.001-07:00

Today is great, you know why? Of course you know why. It's the beginning of a three-day 4th of July weekend. And if there's one thing Americans love, it's patriotic three-day weekends. So put on your favorite outfit and make sure to look your best...

...Fire up the old grill for some weenies...

...Stock up on party supplies...

...Make yourself a nice drink and grab a seat...

...And enjoy the festivities.

In other nonsense,

I'm still pretty new to this whole social networking business. Who are your favorite tweeters?? What's your Twitter name? Do you have a StumbleUpon account? If so, what is your username? Let's be friends!

Have a great weekend!

Food Review: Odwalla Super Protein

2011-06-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

I think this pretty much covers it.

Make a Hot Dog, Dummy.

2011-06-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

Are you starving?

Yes!

Want something easy and fast because if it takes longer than 5 minutes to make you'll probably roid rage out and flip a table over?

Yes!!

Want to avoid going to the store because you have Charlie Manson hair and you're still in your pajamas even though it's 2:48pm, and also because Judge Judy is about to start in 12 minutes?

YeSsSsSs!!!

Well. Make a hot dog, dummy.

INGREDIENTS

-weenie

-bun

-Heinz baked beans

-cheddar cheese

DIRECTIONS

Heat weenie. Heat beans. Put it all together.

Boner'ppetite.

Get Mom to the Greek. OR... Weekend Recap.

2011-06-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

You know those awful blog entries that are total cop-outs because they're just a shitload of pictures and nothing of real value? Yeah. This is going to be one of those.

GREEK FESTIVAL

Pile of gyro.

The kids doing arts and crafts.

Me, mom, and sister.

This is my friend, Aris. He has strong teeth.

I had to include this video is of my nephew, Hogan. It was taken there at the Greek festival. It still made me laugh this morning.

TALL SHIPS

We went to see the Tall Ships on Sunday. But these aren't them. These are just regular boats.

Coasty, the talking animated boat.

Apparently, I was the only one making an "Arrggghh!" face. Losers.

The "Surgery". You can tell by the amount of blood on the doctor's apron that he knows what he's doing. Pay no attention to the stash of arms and legs under the table.

Civil War kids playing cards.

Isn't this a great pic??!? It totally goes with my screenname, You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun.

Anyshoot.

This is a "Ladies" gun. I need it for when I get in a hairy situation. Like when the line at the grocery store is too long and they refuse to call another cashier.

What did you do this weekend? More importantly, were you wishing you had a ladies gun?

In other nonsense, check out my entry at Sprocket Ink if you follow The Next Food Network Star.

Greek Festival.

2011-06-23T10:06:00.001-07:00

If you live in the southern California area, you should head up to Camarillo for the Greek Festival this weekend. It's small, but the dancing is fun, the people are friendly, and the food is frighteningly good. And if you need some help deciding what to eat, well that's where I come in.

GYRO: Gyro is actually the name of the meat that is typically served in this pita delight. From what I know, it's a combination of lamb and beef that's been slowly cooked on a rotating spit for a long ass time. As it cooks, the outer layers are sliced off. Add some tomato, lettuce, onion, and tzatziki sauce, and you've got a fucking Greek treasure.

SAGANAKI: Saganaki is basically a flaming cheese. When you order it at a restaurant, the waiter will dazzle your balls off by dousing it with some unknown alcohol and lighting it on fire. Americans love this kind of stuff. When you order it at the Greek festival, it probably won't be on fire because they will be serving it up en masse. But I can guarantee it's still going to taste like the bomb shizzle. If you're a greasy-cheese connoisseur like me, this is right up your alley.

TZATZIKI SAUCE: Greeks use tzatziki sauce like Americans use ketchup. This shit goes with everything. The recipe usually consists of Greek yogurt (there's a difference, trust me), lemon, garlic, cucumber, olive oil, and dill, but it can probably vary depending on who's making it. This sauce really does go with everything, so don't be afraid to dip any of your favorite Greek savories into it.

BAKLAVA: This is the sticky sweet dessert that everyone is familiar with. If you happen to be reading this and you're actually NOT one of my family members, then there's a chance you don't receive a box of this every Christmas and have no idea what it is. Baklava is a dessert made up of crispy phyllo dough, chopped nuts, cinnamon, and lots of syrup. If you're not into ooey, gooey sweets, this might not be the thing for you. But if you're anything like me (lucky you), you're going to want a few for the road.

GALATABOUREKO: This dessert is similar to baklava, only it has custard instead of nuts. It uses phyllo dough and has syrup, but it's not crispy. If you have issues eating softer foods like cooked peaches or cooked mushrooms, you might want to skip this one. But if you like custards, give this lesser known treat a shot.

KOURAMBIETHES: This is the safest route if you're not feeling very adventurous. They're basically airy shortbread cookies, covered in powdered sugar. If you're bringing the kids, these are a surefire crowd pleaser. Just make sure not to inhale as your biting. I've made that mistake more than once.

Lastly, no Greek party would be complete without a beer tent. See? There's something for everyone.

Admission is only $3. And if you go the festival link above, you can even print out free admission vouchers so you can visit my friend, Manolis.

So don't forget this weekend: Drop that zero and get with a gyro.

DISCLAIMER: If any of this information was incorrect, I apologize. It was based on my extensive knowledge of hostessing in a Greek restaurant and eating my way through the entire menu.

Restaurant Review: Ktchn 105

2011-06-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends ago, I met up with my friends Jimmy and Michael. These are the clowns I met when we were all living in London. They're both from the Southern California area and we usually meet up a few times a year to pig the fuck out.

Take note readers: These two are single and ready to mingle.

Anydate. Jimmy suggested a place that supposedly has the best brunch in LA, Ktchn 105.

This place is like one of those eye-magic-voodoo-stare-at-me-long-enough-and-you-see-an-image kind of places. It's on a small street that's almost more like an alley, in the middle of the Produce District, and has a gate that you need to get buzzed in to enter the premises. There's no sign or blinking lights or golden arches. In fact, if you weren't specifically going to this restaurant, you wouldn't even know it existed.

We sat outside in the patio area. It was a nice day.

Apparently, Ktchn 105 has a rotating brunch menu that changes weekly. There are about eight entrees to choose from and they're all a bit on the fancy pants/ "organic" side. I went with the Harissa Scramble. Not knowing what harissa was, all the other ingredients sounded pretty inhaleable.

Harissa Scramble: Eggs, harissa, pumpkin seeds, and goat cheese. Topped with crispy shoestring onions and some green shit. Includes side of fried potatoes and a brioche bun with lemon butter and raspberry jam.

I was pleasantly surprised with my meal. The scramble was nice and soft, not overcooked. The goat cheese and pumpkin seeds turned out to be a DELICIOUS combination and are even making my mouth water as I type this. Potatoes always get a thumbs up in my book. Not to mention, when I first sat down I was feeling all weak and nauseous and fainty, so I wasn't really looking forward to trying something new and adventurous. As i started eating, I felt better in no time. Added bonus: Harissa Scramble has magic healing powers.

The check was presented with freshly made complimentary chocolate chip cookies. I actually don't like chocolate. But I managed to push through my distaste and ate my cookie in .2 seconds flat.

Meal + water + tip = $15

Word on the street is, the owner of Ktchn 105 actually lives at the restaurant. Apparently, this place was originally his loft-style apartment.

According to my sources, that wall of tubes separates the area where the owner sleeps.

This whole story may be totally made up, and if so, you didn't hear it from me.

I give this restaurant 5 out of 5 chins.

In other nonsense...

Check out my latest post at Sprocket Ink where I recap the season finale of Game of Thrones.

Mini Meatloaves, Mother Truckers.

2011-06-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

The other night, I decided to try out a recipe for Individual Sicilian Meat Loaves. From my favorite mag, Anyone Can Cook, obviously. Here's what you need:

INGREDIENTS
1 egg, slightly beaten
1 3/4 cups garlic/ onion pasta sauce
1/4 cup seasoned fine dry bread crumbs
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground black pepper
12 oz of ground beef
2 oz mozzarella cheese or 2 sticks of mozzarella string cheese
4 thin slices prosciutto or cooked ham
9 oz cooked fettuccine

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 400. In a medium bowl, combine egg, 1/4 cup pasta sauce, bread crumbs, salt, and pepper. Add ground beef to that mother.

Cut string cheese sticks in half, crosswise. Wrap a slice of prosciutto around each cheese log. Add 1/4 of the meat mixture around each meat stick to form a loaf. Place in a shallow pan and cook for approx 20 minutes.

Arrange meatloaves over fettuccine. Spoon sauce over top. Add Parmesan if you like it.

NOTES
-The pasta sauce I used was regular old Ragu Traditional.
-I used shredded mozzarella and basically used the sliced ham to make a burrito out of it. Then I stuck a bunch of pieces of the ground piece mixture around it.
-The pasta options we had were slim. I went with elbow macaroni. Next time, I'll try egg noodles.
-I may have used less ground beef than called for. I got three loaves out of it.
-I like Parmesan. I added a lot.
-The loaves were very tender and juicy. I'm not sure if that's because I may have under cooked them, but nobody got sick. So basically, I owned that recipe.

These fucking loaves were DELICIOUS and I've been whispering sweet nothings to a package of ground beef in the freezer ever since. The recipe was surprisingly easy to make and pretty much foolproof if I was able to make them on a whim and not fuck anything up.

If you like spaghetti bolognese, you'll like this. Because that's basically what this is.

Boner'ppetite.

Reupholstering.

2011-06-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

Originally, I found our set of seven dining room chairs on Craigslist. They were vintage, had avocado green seats, and were only $20. Aka, they were right up my alley. Well, when I showed up at the seller's house, it turns out there was a major typo and the price was actually $20 per chair. The guy thought I was trying to pull a fast one on him when I said the ad stated "Dining Room Chairs - $20" After going back to his computer, and realizing he should have never asked his teenage son to create the ad for him, he offered $40 for the set. And he even threw in a child's wicker rocking chair for free. SOLD.

So the chairs have been doing their job for the past few months. But in a really annoying and shitty way. The bottom piece of wood that holds the whole seat in place was basically disintegrating before our very eyes and every time someone sat down, the chair would drop major sawdust all over the floor. Plus, the seats were totally flattened out and any life in those cushions had been squashed many years ago. Boyfriend and I were over that shit and decided to reupholster those mofos.

BEFORE:

Tip for taking the fabric off to get the original wood template: DO IT OUTSIDE. That shit is messy. The years of wear and tear on those seats turned the padding into what looked like a shitload of crunched up Cheetos.

We took the wooden template to Home Depot and purchased new cuts of wood. Boyfriend then used a jigsaw to make the shape of the chair frame.

Then we went to Joann's Fabrics for the padding, batting, and fabric. Originally, we went with a burnt orange color upholstery fabric, but when I got it home I realized it sucked. Did you know you can EXCHANGE fabric? Crazy, I know. So, I went back to Joann's and chose a patterned print from the "Outside Canvas" section.

From start to finish, four chairs done in one day.

AFTER:

The print may not be your thing. But seriously, you can't argue with all that padding.

This is the video we watched as a tutorial.

It was really easy and ended up costing roughly $42 per chair (chair, wood, padding, batting, and fabric) for a a matching set of brand new dining room chairs.

Go buy some old chairs this weekend and try it. You'll love the end result or my name isn't Martha Stewart.

In other nonsense, check out my latest post at Sprocket Ink where I discuss cheating husbands who happened to be named Weiner.